Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

ds 16 has moved out again after kicking off last night and have to call the police out. he can home stoned, went straight to sleep, then decided to wake up at 12.30 and pick a fight with his brother over the xbox. oh such fun. social services have put him up in a b & B for the night and he will hopefully be going into a hostle tomorrow.

Hope they've found him somewhere decent foxy

i have no idea where he is spending tonight. i have been in work all day 12 1/2 hours. his social worker was supposed to be phoning me and letting me know when they were dropping him off at the hostel, that didn't happen. ive not heard from her all day, and even phoned them myself to find out what was going on but she wasn't in the office.
what i know is he came home while me and dh were in work to get some stuff and she was supposed to pick him up from ours to go to hostel. that didn't happen. there is a problem with the hostel, its to do with when he was in a different one before, owned by same company, he apparently owes £600 in damages. he was kicked out of the last one for his behaviour, and from what i can gather they put up with a lot. so i don't know if he is going there or not. he told the social worker he was staying with friends tonight, then asked if he could come home as its "taking the piss" staying at friends. i was in work then and dh told him no, he said he was staying with friends so thats where he could go. if he hadn't said that i would imagine the social worker would have got B&B again tonight.
he not happy with us as he now has a new court date due to us having to call police out because of his behaviour sunday. its all our fault he is in trouble again, what kind of parents call the police on their kids. none of its his fault.
so what to do now? go to bed i suppose and to see whats going to happen tomorrow. he has great timing when it comes to this sort of thing, i have a 2000 word essay due thursday for uni i was going to start on the weekend but didn't because of dealing with him, and still haven't started. he always seems worse when i have an essay to write lol

Well the essay didn't get done. Spent the afternoon and evening last night with ds at the hospital. He took 30 valium. He was medically ok after being checked out, but him head was not in a good place. They wanted to keep him over night so he could see CAMHS this morning but he refused. The Dr managed to find a fantastic guy from adult mental health who came to see him. He talked a few time to ds and he was thinking and feeling much better afterwards. He is going to push CAMHS for ds and talk to one of the Dr there he knows about him. So hopefully something possitive will come from it.
Ds spent last night at a friend's, the B&B wouldn't accept him last night and he is unpredictable on valium, so we couldn't have him home for the night. I have younger children I need to think of. X

foxy you're quite right that you have to think of the younger ones (and yourself). I really hope that things improve for you all ASAP x

Sometimes I could just scream. Anybody else have a dc that is always losing or breaking things? Dd has lost keys, glasses, clothes, shoes, broken phones, forgets to lock up etc etc. She is just so careless and I just wait for the next mishap.

She can't seem to look after her possessions and she wonders why I fuss!

I've come here, read a few posts and now think that my problems with DS (15) are absolutely nothing in comparison to what some of you are going through.
And yet I can't cope.

Yet again there have been screaming matches, all because he's spent 2 weeks researching a (very expensive) tablet that he "needs" and his Dad and I have said it's too much money.
It ended up with his Dad saying that he'd have been punched by his Dad if he'd spoken to him like that, and now DS is saying that his Dad threatened him. He didn't, (he could maybe have dealt with it better and not waved a fist in front of DS's face as an example of what used to happen to him) and DS has stomped off to school saying that he's going to report his Dad to the school saying that he threatened to punch him.

DH's idea this morning is to remove all privileges from DS, so no internet, no phone, no laptop, no tablet (he's not lacking in material stuff!) and all he'll have is his bed, 3 meals and day and a roof over his head. I think this is TOO heavy handed and told DH so. I think it'll make DS worse. And I can't take any more.

DS says that once he's reported his Dad, he'll be taken away to live somewhere else and that'll be better.

I have literally cried all night and morning and feel wrung out. I'm physically trembling and twitching.

Sorry for this lengthy post. Needed to tell someone.

I'm sooooooo tireeeeddddd. Anyone else knackered from dealing with them? DD couldn't sleep all night two nights ago. I was up at 4.30 with her, she finally went to sleep at 6 which is when I have to get ready for work. Last night she phoned late having a major melt down, talked for ages, then I'm up at 4.30 coz God knows why - probably coz I can't sleep for thinking about her ALL THE TIME!!! I would like to stand on the top of a remote hill and scream. Nearly cancelled going out with group of dear, old girl friends coz I couldn't face listening to them talk about their perfect teens. I went. They're lovely of course. But they just don't get it and I feel boring talking about it. Just wish she could get out of this depression/anxiety, kick the bf into touch and lead a happy life like she deserves. She just seems to be getting lower recently.

And I'm sick of moaning on on here! I really need to stop being obsessed with MN. But it's such a comfort. I'm usually a really happy person, honest!

Girlandboy. DHs can be a bit of a pain can't they? My DH clashed with one of our DSs. Improved when he went to uni! No comfort to you right now though, sorry. It's very common for the DH to be stricter than you - most of my friend couples are like that and it causes endless trouble. Try and mediate I guess, but I know it's very hard coz I've been there, and my DS was actually not a pick of bother - I can't even remember what they were fighting about. Hope you are feeling a little better. Try talking it through with your DS calmly

Don't worry about it Peebles. That's what MN is for, having a good moan and being supported by other stressed parents.

I too am a bit obsessed with MN but I don't know how I would have coped without it over the past year.

I apologise but I am going to swear now. Its just one fucking thing after another with dd. She is currently tucked up in bed with every muscle in her body hurting, after doing some sport last night. She is terrible with pain and illness and I get the brunt of it. But you can bet your life she will be well enough to go to a party tonight! Then tomorrow will be ill again!

And yes everyone else's kids are just wonderful.

Girlandboy I hope that you are feeling a bit better. Perhaps when things calm down a bit when ds gets in from school you can have a chat. Its horrible being in that atmosphere, especially in your own home.

Thanks chocolate and oh Lord I've so been there with the illness thing!! Yep, I too bet your DD will be fine to party tonight - then you feel such a fool, don't you?! Been there sooooo many times. I suspect it's almost always psychological with my DD. Which she even recognises herself but it still makes her feel physically ill so what can you do? for you - it's Friday!

Yes its Friday so lots of and treats for me and hopefully no dramas from dd. Hope she doesn't want a lift home as I won't be able to

Thanks Peebles and Chocolate They're both home now. DS walked in the house and just ignored his Dad. DH was the same.

DH came home first and we chatted. He thinks I'm wrong, and he's probably right to a certain extent, because I think I do try and keep everyone happy and therefore give in to DS a bit.

DS is now up in his bedroom on his xbox.

I just want all this to stop. I'd like to book a remote cottage somewhere and disappear on my own

curiousflannel, ds loses stuff constantly, its because they are never thinking about what there are doing and doing things absent mindedly ( is that a word?)

girlandboy, ive played piggy in the middle between DH and the DC's more times than i can remember, he thinks im too sort and i think hes too hard, he will also have a go about everything, where as i try to pick and choose my battles.

i have no where else to talk about all this stuff, other partents just dont understand, unless you have to deal with them, you can't. mumsnet is great for just having someone to open up and not be judged.

so if anyone's interested lol, ds is being put up in a B&B by his social worker, who is trying to look for a foster placement, this she said could be anywhere in the country. she is not expecting her serch to be easy with his history. i think the farther away the better. get him away form his friend group and start again, hopefully he would be able to get off the weed then and sort his head out. ive seen him for a bit and he seems better today and yesterday, he seems to be thinking a bit straighter.
i just feel its such a shame it has to come so far for others to help. his youth offending worker has been great and has given him a cheep mobile so he can stay in touch, everyone seems to want to help now he's not living at home. whilst he was here, i have asked for help thousands of time and always get told i will get it but its never materialised. i have often felt that while hes at home hes my problem to sort out, and i cant do that on my own. hopefully early next week ill have some good news for a change.xx

Thanks foxy6
I'm trying to pick and choose my battles too. It's just there's too many.

I really don't know how you're coping. You sound so much stronger than me. I actually didn't realise that teens could be fostered out or put in b & b's? That actually scares me rigid because DS said last night that he wanted to go somewhere else, because it would be "better". I'm twitching again now

DS came downstairs for his dinner, but sat in a different room to DH and me. He's now gone back upstairs.

My eyes are so sore with crying today. And I realised at dinner time that I'd not eaten since yesterday! Still couldn't eat it though.

Oh, and last night during "the row" DS told me that after the previous row a couple of weeks ago he'd contacted Childline!

I honestly didn't know what to say, but it saddens me desperately

Grilandboy have you had a talk with DS about all this? Will he talk calmly to you when he's not feeling angry? These things usually pass, I'm sure it'll improve. It's so horrible when you're in the thick of it though. My DD and DH had a poor relationship for years. It's much better now.
Foxy so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds a living nightmare. I hope they find somewhere for your son soon. I bet your relationship will improve when there's a bit of distance between you. It makes me angry that people are being left to cope alone with dreadful situations. This is such a growing problem and services really need to improve. It's not the fault of the staff, I know that. I work in the NHS I know what it's like. But I've also been desperate for help and there's been none. Now I can see DD wasn't a priority, but when you've never dealt with anything like it before you just feel so lost and don't know what to do. Good luck to you and your DS.

Peebles I've not had a talk with DS about the Childline issue. He's not really speaking to anyone at the moment. So all is quiet and calm downstairs, but it makes me agitated as to what's to come, if anything? I don't really know. And I hope DH and DS will get on better in the future. It's just that DH is so "old school" and wants to come down really hard on DS, as he sees that as the only way.

And yes, I hope it'll pass. I just hope it doesn't get much worse.

I've been backtracking through this thread, and I now realise that my situation, although it feels bad to me, isn't a patch on what some of you lovely ladies are going through. I got to the fourth page and I actually felt physically sick with some the stuff written here. I actually had to go into the bathroom and hover over the loo just in case. I don't know how you all manage/cope. But this thread also frightens me. There's stuff written here that I had no idea about and that terrifies me.

Getting you teen fostered is incredibly hard, there sent many foster carers and they like to use them for real abuse cases, ect. Not a grumpy teenager unhappy with his parents trying to disapline them. I wouldn't worry too much you don't sound abusive to me x.
Ds once called the police on us. He hadn't come home when supposed to so missed his dinner, when he did come home it was the police that brought him home, so he got sent straight to bed. He mush have been about 12 then. He wasn't happy we hadn't kept him dinner, we was going to let him stu a bit them give him something to eat. He called police said his dad had hit him and threw him down stairs. We had police at the house for 2 hrs talking to all the kids (I have 5) doing background checks on us, we had to strip youngest two off to underwear to be checked over. They left happy that ds claims were false, but still it wasn't a nice experience.

We all have our struggles and just because you don't think you son seems so bad compared to some things you've read doesn't mean it's any easier for you.

I don't think I'm strong, just a mum. The stress ds has caused has made me ill. I've just returned to work after 3 months off due the stress causing my fibromyalgia to flare up. It's not easy, but I have other children I have to think off to. I'm trying to minimise the impact it all has on them. I think the best advice I've read is to try a detach your emotions from the situation. It take some practice. And is very hard to do, but I have to remember ds is not like he is due to bad parenting, my other kids don't cause half the problems ds does, and their words are aimed to hurt for the reaction, but it doesn't mean they mean it. Xx

foxy6 You sound like you've been through so much. And you are strong - a strong mum. Your advice to detach my emotions from the situation is good. I shall try to remember that. I have an older daughter (20) and although she was a bit stroppy as a teenager it was very short-lived. So I must have done a reasonable job there.

I think I actually need to see my doctor to sort my stress levels out. The stress with DS comes on top of going no contact with my mother (years of narcissist behaviour with her) and then 2.5 years ago we had a row and she assaulted me and I went to the police in order to protect my dad. My dad now has end stage Alzheimer's and doesn't recognise me anymore and lashes out. DH would see my stress as just something I need to "snap out of" though. He struggles to understand any mental health issues and has little sympathy. (Not painting him in a good light am I?!)

I've just been up to DS's room to take him a drink because he's got a cough, and I gave him a little hug and a kiss. He looked at me suspiciously, but let me do it. DH would say I'm too soft. Maybe so.

and a for you xx

I am always telling ds I love him and what a lovely boy he is, because despite all his problems, inside is a very lovely young boy. He just makes the wrong choices. For example the other day he had been given a fiver for food by his social worker. He told us he spent 3. pound on food and gave the rest to a homeless man, I believe that as its the sort of thing he would do. I know he feels bad enough about himself, without me adding to it. I try to tell him it's not him I don't like, it's his choice in behaviour, especially as I know he is capable of much better.
Dh has just gone to pick him up, he's very down and feeling suicidal, so he's coming home for tonight. I don't think he's had any drugs since the hospital incident so I should imagine he's on a major come down now.
I often don't know what to do for the best xx

I have just flipped with DD (17). I've been doing a hell of a lot of driving her around recently, which to a certain extent isn't her fault because we live rurally with very few buses. It's the entitlement that really pisses me off, though, and the conviction that I haven't got anything better to do than to arrange my day around hers. I've just got back from the bus station and packed up all the towels in the airing cupboard and put them in the loft. Maybe now she's start reusing the ones on her floordrobe rather than getting a clean one every day. And don't get me started on her using all the hot water!

Sorry, realise that's very trivial compared to some of the problems on here, but just needed to vent. And Curious, yes, I keep getting texts at work, 'Sorry, couldn't find my keys, house unlocked'

I have just had a text exchange with dd 14 as apparently I am unreasonable to not allow her and her mate and TWO boys CAMP out tonight.
Apart from the obvious problems it's gale force winds here and biblical rain.
Exhausted with it all