Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

curious I wanted to reply regarding our lazy unmotivated girls.

It was like listening to my dd when you wrote that you're not allowed to comment on her apathy and lack of work ethic. I took some very good advice the other day from my local kind of young peoples careers office, and one lady in particular who is used to dealing with girls just like ours.

I said I had been banned from mentioning the J word as it 'stresses her out'. She told me bollocks to that. Well not like that, but she said that attitude needs challenging, and quickly.

She said not to let up that she needs to get a job, explain to her the consequences of living on benefits, and what it will mean. She told me to set a deadline for her to get a paid job, and if she doesn't for me to find her a volunteering role. If it means me taking her myself, then that's what's needed.

I took her advice, have given her a deadline, and have in fact already found her a job in a charity shop, should she fail to meet the deadline. She was shocked actually, but I will carry it through. To help her become a fully functioning member of society.

Well, that's the plan anyway. How about it?

i haven't read all of this thread i'm afraid but would like to join in. we have decided that it is time for ds 16 to leave home again. after many attempts with him he flatly refuses to follow house rules regarding drug taking (mostly cannabis ). i am at a loss as to what to do with him nothing we try ever works and i see him ending up spending his life in and out of prison and taking drugs. he is very lucky to not already be in prison but i don't think he realises that. he has that attitude they weren't going to send him anyway. the only reason he isn't already in prison is due the the judge noticing a detail everyone had overlooked and had the charge changed, the original charge had a mandatory 4 month prison sentence.

Hi Ticktack. I don't think I have the energy to do that with dd. Things have been a bit better at home so I don't want to ruin it by causing too much friction just yet. The more I push, the less likely she will be to do anything.

However, she has decided herself to take her CV around and try and get a Saturday job. I'm trying to keep positive but we will see what happens.

Hey Curious. Ive had all that before. Saying she is going to look for a job and study more. False promises as it hasnt happened.

My dd can not possibly fit in a job with all the pressure of college work and socialising! Wtf!! Her life is 90% socialising and 10% work. She will lie in bed all day doing nothing on a Saturday then get ready and go out! And if I say anything she threatens to drop out coz its all too much!

I am getting to the stage where I don't care any more. Can you tell I am a tad frustrated

I've not read the thread but I'd like to join in with my grumpy 14 year old boy.

I've got 4 grown up children (DD26, DS25, DD23, DD22) and a 12 yo daughter. The 4 oldest ones went to boarding school through their teenage years and were no trouble in the holidays. DD12 doesn't. She is "trying". I love her to distraction. Her dad left last January so it is just her and I. She is messy, rude and difficult. Typical teen really. I would love some support though whilst I am going through it.

singlemom sorry about your problems with your DD 12
I suggest you start your own thread to discuss this.
This thread isn't so easy for people to read and reply to individual posts on.

DD 14 is testing , to say the least. This weekend hasn't been to bad in comparison to most but I am thinking of getting a lock for my bedroom door. She borrows/takes all my stuff without asking, this weekend she lent her friend my new Barbour jacket that I'm yet to even wear . Even my knickers end up being taken !

I've just joined Mumsnet because my 15 year old is making me so miserable. So glad to have found this board - I'll be back to write and ask questions when I can stop crying. I feel as though tonight has pushed us to the limit :-(

hi mumofteen xxx

Oh no, why is that?

If like to join.
Mumofteen what's up?
Sorry to hear things aren't good. Been there and know what you are going through. X

well ds had a visit from the substance misuse worker attached to the youth offending team this morning for an assessment. she is going to find out if he has to see her of if its optional to him, i know he will say no. he said she is also going to speak to the mental health team about him too. she didn't tell me this, its what he said so we will see how things go nest.we have his social worker coming thursday

I want to have a good old rant at dd. But its probably better if I just keep quiet. I just wonder when she is going to grow up and realise life is just not about having a social life!

I'm repeating myself, I know, but her laziness and selfishness is getting to me again.

So she can't wait to move out? I want to sit her down and list all the bills she will have to pay and that she will actually have to clean and cook, as well as getting up and getting herself to work on time every day. But it's a waste of time isn't it? All she can see is being able to party and do whatever she wants without me nagging her.

So I will bite my lip and try not to comment because I don't want to argue any more.

Well good morning curious. I see you are feeling like me today. Rant away. My DD was at her pot head boyfriend's flat from Thursday to Tuesday. Asked her to stay home two nights. Tuesday - all went well. Last night - rocked up at midnight. Usual statements: 'I fell asleep I can't help it' 'What did you want me to come home for anyway?' 'I've come home why are you still moaning at me?' 'I can't do anything right'. Arrrrggggghhhh!! I had a small rant then went to bed. DH and I have agreed the best policy is to make home a nice, welcoming place so she'll want to come to it. But I'm torn between sticking to that (biting my tongue), and thinking she's just taking the piss! Might start a new thread on this actually. It's a real problem for me. for you! You are not alone!!

Hi Peebles. Yes start a new thread and I'll certainly be joining.

Its when they just can't understand why you get frustrated that gets me.

I'm trying to keep off the till the weekend. Can't wait

God, can I join? No sanitary pads, at least, but wet underpants, half eaten sandwiches (by him and ddog) , uniform, rubbish, screwed up "incredibly important letters from school", ditto homework instructions. Battles over technology, fights with husband as to how best to parent (am the bad cop, which is exhausting and somewhat unwanted), he's soft touch pushover Disney dad parent.

Are they generally civilised by 16? 18? 20? How much is boarding school?!

my ds 18 seemes to be improving a lot lately but i think the new girl in his life has a part in that.

ds 16 however is a different story, social worker visited today, she seemed very nice. we have told her we can no longer have him living at home with us, so she is going to start looking for foster placement, if they cant find one it will be b & b. im hoping they get him a foster placement as she said its unlikely to be anywhere near home. i think the distance form his friend group would do him good. just wish i had somewhere i could send him.

Utterly fed up this week.

Why is it, we just lurch from one drama to the next with only a day or twos respite in between?

The most recent thing (although it's been an undercurrent for years) is DD's lack of eating. She has always been fussy and we've had dips before (there was a period when she was 7 or so where she would only eat maybe 4 or 5 different foods) but it seems now all she will eat is chips and bread. If I do her a burger she'll take it out and eat the bap. she doesn't eat breakfast so on her insistence I went out thurs night and bought croissants. Fri morning she ripped it into pieces but barely ate a mouthful (I'm not stupid). Tonight she wanted a bacon sandwich, I made it, she took the bacon out and ate the bread.

Of course, she'll eat crisps until the cows come home.

She's still a healthy weight (but on the lower end) but has lost a stone steadily since the end of year 7 (now in year 11). I know it's not a huge amount but where will it end?

I know it's got to the point we need outside intervention, a nutritionist or dietician or something. I know I have to bite the bullet and make the GP appointment. I hate this, really fucking hate this.

OH, and of course whenever I say anything I get the standard teenage response of rolling eyes and DH is useless.

Yep, my dc1 can tear through an entire loaf of bread. Try to keep it wholemeal, at least, but he prefers the dodgy white muck. And sometimes it's with cheese or peanut butter, others just ketchup!

And yy to the mountains of crisps, sweets and no breakfast. 😔 And this from the boy who fairly happily used to be force fed homemade, organic, balanced meals. What to do? It's not ideal, is it?

And he's not (yet) overweight either. Doesn't really exercise but walks a few miles a day to and from school which is good. I fear for what he's laying down for the future though in terms of diabetes type 2, cancer etc etc.

Oh, and just to add insult to injury, if we go out or have takeaway she'll happily eat the burger/chicken nuggets/sweet and sour battered chicken.

So it's just my shit cooking........ and DH is a bloody fussy eater too, so that's two people pushing stuff round their plates while I'm thinking why do I bother.

Sometimes I think God is taking the piss (and I'm an atheist)

Yep, feel for you. Dh won't eat fish, so now dc won't

And dc1 had an ok, pricey burger out yesterday but won't touch a homemade, organic bloody one!

I'm currently at loggerheads with dd3 17. I'm a control freak, I make her miserable, I take her stuff!( I confiscated her vape stick the second one, as I don't want her smoking it especially not in her bedroom or my house!)

I don't understand her! If I think she is rude I should hear how her friends talk to their mum!!!!! I want to cry, I know I should cuddle her and try and let it go, I just can't stand the sight of her atm!

We are having attendance problems with our 15 year old daughter and rudeness, constant swearing, demanding money. We were referred to the Triple P parenting course for Teens. I was a bit sceptical about this, but now in week 2, feel reassured that we are not the only ones. Apparently, it is about setting house rules, time for ourselves, and no monetary rewards. Baby steps! ( school pretty unhelpful!)