hi guys. Thanks for all the advice.
First off, apologies for the size of this post.
As I had feared, he refused to go into school today. So I rang up the head of his year and told her the truth. She was sympathetic & listened supportively which helped me a lot coz I was feeling very exasperated by that time.
Later, when I finally told him that I had spoken to his head of year, he basically flipped out on me!! Lots of cursing & "Oh no, now the whole school will know what I am like!" & "they will keep on checking up on me all the time. You've had it!"... followed by "I'm not going to school anymore. I quit!" & "you've really done it this time! you've ruined my life!", etc. etc. intermittently interspersed with the most foul language known to humankind!!
Under normal circumstances, in that scenario, I would also have flipped out & we would have ended up having a massive argument he would be simultaneously destroying the furniture/walls/utensils/house, etc. But fortunately for me, I scoured the internet late last night for some teen advice & came across this clip on YouTube:
And it really saved me/us. Might not work on every child but I include the link in case it might help some of us on this very difficult journey.
Throughout his angry outbursts, I remained calm & explained to him why I had little choice but to talk to the school and that it will be awful if this issue ends up tarnishing his reputation at school. That I really love/cared for him & wanted him to be happy. Then I asked him about school & his friends, while all the time trying to remain calm (which was incredibly hard coz all I wanted to do right then was to grab him by shoulders & shout,"Pull yourself together, boy, and stop behaving like this a spoilt brat!"). Instead I tried to apply the technique of mirroring as prescribed in that youtube clip together with some ruthless compassion.
And surprise, surprise, it worked. He slowly opened up to me & we ended up having a proper conversation about school life... And the furniture was still intact!! I couldn't believe how keen he was to tell me all about his life at school. We talked properly for at least an hour which was amazing in itself coz usually most times all I ever get from him is a monosyllabic grunt in response to most of my enquiries!! I can't remember the last time I ever had a "proper decent conversation" with my child!!
He finally admitted to me that homework was an issue for him. That he couldn't be bothered to do it because it took up too much of his "quality time" at home!! I chuckled inside myself upon hearing this. I never knew he saw
it that way. So we negotiated & agreed to spend an hour of undivided attention each evening straight after school to get his homework out of the way. It remains to be seen if this will last!! My fingers are tightly crossed.
So far, so good. He's done all his homework for tomorow so now he has my permission to vegetate during his "quality time"!! :)
Later this evening there was an incident which could have escalated into an all-out war except I found myself handling it differently. He was getting frustrated, angry & vocal about a game he was playing on the computer.
What normally happens in this situation is that I would get annoyed & go to him & tell him to stop playing or else or I might say it's only a game & not to get worked up about it. This usually infuriates him more & makes
matter worse so no one wins in the end. But instead, I went to him & sat with him & praised him for doing so well getting this far in the game and agreed with him how frustrating these games can be. The end result of this mirroring was that he ended up showing me, in a mature way, what he was trying to achieve & willingly sharing his frustration with me. In the end he told me to help him find out on the internet how to find the last clue in the game. I did this & averted what could have been another stressed out incident at home. It is true that this technique does feel very counter-intuitive but it is unbelievable how quick & effective it is!!
I cannot believe how chatty he is tonight. Frequently coming into the kitchen to chat & joke with me. It is like he is now feeling this connection with me all over again. As to how long this grace period will last, I honestly do not know. But I am guessing much of it will depend on me & how long I can maintain this connection with him by relating to him in the proper manner. I am only human.
I know some parents are instinctively wonderful at relating to their kids & I take my hat off to them. Sadly for me, I was never given a handbook on how to deal with these strange alien creatures!!
My journey is only just beginning.
Best of luck to those of us still on this journey.