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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

975 replies

Ledkr · 27/11/2015 09:01

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far Smile

OP posts:
wellies · 27/12/2015 08:28

I'm just place marking quickly but hope to join in for support.

I have dd who is a lovely but at times incredibly challenging 14 year old, and ds who is 12 and just about hanging onto childhood rather than teenage hood.

I can relate very strongly to waking on eggshells, rows involving removing mobile phones/internet access, huge blow up moods which effect the whole household and leave us all quite shaken and involvement from CAMHS.

Lots of family coming today and as last night ended tensely I've hardly slept wondering what today will bring. Dd is sure to behave nicely in front of my in laws but there may be a fall-out later.

I need to go and get the house straight ready for extended family's arrival in a couple of hours.

Peebles1 · 27/12/2015 10:07

*vobble you haven't failed, please don't think that. They're challenging teenagers - look at all the posts on here. But the one thing we have in common is we clearly all love them and care about them and that's why we get so upset. And we keep trying. That's a sign of a good parent. My 17 yr old DD had a similar relationship with her ex boyfriends family. Always going on about his fabulous mum. Went out with him for nearly three years. Stayed over there much more than at ours (we wouldn't let them sleep together). I felt hurt but never said anything. Joined in her delight over his mother's presents (through gritted teeth). In the end the relationship soured and the mother showed her true colours. DD came running to me coz I'm her mum - just like you are. When the chips are down bloods thicker than water. Just ride it out. Re: not wanting to bring him to yours, I would probably try a calm talk about it. Say you understand what she's saying and if she brings him you'll all (including her) make a special effort to not argue etc. I had a friend who's DD stopped having sleepovers coz she was embarrassed about stuff her mum did (rules etc). They compromised and it was sorted. But I'm no expert! Hope things improve soon. Flowers

Original poster
Ledkr · 27/12/2015 10:16

Maybe she's embarrassed at her dirty room/sheets and doing bugger all.
I'm guessing as time passes those traits woukd annoy the mum and the boyfriend.
Our friends dd was a bit like this but does seem better now she's 20.
She was even horrible about her mums wig wgen she lost her hair through chemo Shock

OP posts:
mamas12 · 27/12/2015 10:18

Vobble I can relate to that.
Ds is always with his gf family I'm just a single parent on my own boring with no entertainment or excitement here.
Well I invited a few friends over and we all had a meal so everyone was sociable last night but guests all gone now and just waiting for him to wake up and 'start' something
Going to ask him for suggestions for a present for his gf but I expect I'll get same response as yours with 'don't bother'

I never thought I would be having stomach turning dread about spending time with my own children I feel as though I have failed

Vobble · 27/12/2015 22:14

Thanks all. I feel we have tried to make DDs bf welcome here but she (for whatever reason) doesn't want him here. I just feel so excluded from her life, despite trying hard to be reasonable (too reasonable tbh, we are happy to let them sleep together, feed them both, there's no real rules as such). Gah I wish things were peaceful.

sparklesnpearls · 28/12/2015 00:12

What's CAMHS ? Could I get some help with my DD? I'm lone parent in Leeds area

Peebles1 · 28/12/2015 00:22

Child and Mental Health Services. Depends what your child's needs are. Mine was referred by GP as suffering from anxiety disorder, school refusal due to panic attacks. What's going on with your DD? Hope you're OK. Flowers

Peebles1 · 28/12/2015 00:23

Sorry, Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (I think!)

steppemum · 28/12/2015 10:49

delurking
ds just turned 13 and I laughed through the first few pages of this with relief at the other parents dealing with attitude and having phone battles.

The days we remove the phone due to behaviour are the best days as once he gets over his huff at having it removed he turns back into a human being.

Every single night we have the battle over time to hand in the phone. I am the Most Unreasonable parent in the World, and Everyone Else's mum lets then have their phone overnight in their room...

If it is any consolation, I spent Christmas with my brother and his 3 girls.
This is the man who was a a nightmare teen and hated my parents and smoked tons of weed etc.
he now runs his own business, is a happy and nice adult and his 3 girls are fab, the eldest is a teen and is quite....um...feisty.... following in her dads footsteps???

Original poster
Ledkr · 28/12/2015 11:25

Totally agree with the child being back to nirmak when the devices are gone!
What a pity eh?
We have the nightly phone battles, it's exhaustibg isn't it?
The desperation to keep the phone shows what an extreme addiction they have to it.
Dd was getting a lot better but ive allowed her to keep it over the holidays so I may pay for that next Sunday when things go back to normal!
Dd just cannot have the phone in her room and sleep at a normal time. She's on it all night.
She's always been the same. Never once fell asleep in front of a film or reading a book, she needs dark and quiet.

OP posts:
longtimelurker101 · 28/12/2015 12:34

The phone thing is really annoying, why the hell do they need to be in contact with their friends at 3 am on a Wednesday morning I have no idea, but they do.

With all 3 of mine I refused to have phones computers, consols, tvs and all such in the bedroom. The bedroom is for resting and relaxing not entertainment. Bought alarm clocks instead of allowing the phone in there, the problem with teens is very few of them have any real self control where the gadgets are concerned.

Ah well, we have had a peaceful few days, and DD16 is still in bed after a late night family party last night, lets see what the day holds.

Clare1971 · 28/12/2015 13:46

vobble my daughter has never been keen to bring friends home and now it's the same with boyfriends. She is an anxious person and has to put on a bit of a act to cope with people outside the family - I think home is somewhere where she can be just herself, which includes being moody and untidy. Maybe your daughter has a more 'adult' personality with her boyfriend and his family and she doesn't want him to see her 'warts and all' at home.

Vobble · 28/12/2015 16:52

Clare1971 I think you might have hit the nail on the head there. Thanks for the insight, never thought of that but it definitely fits. She puts on a big confident front a lot I think.

t875 · 29/12/2015 11:37

Yes - I'm in! Great idea.
Anyone with hints tips to get through year 10 and starting the gcse's prep? Any hints / tips getting then to home work? Keeping focas in lessons their not interested in? X

Hedgehoginthegarden · 30/12/2015 01:02

t875 it might be a good idea to have a look on the secondary education section for tips etc regarding GCSEs. Lots of people on there will be going through this as well. I spent a lot of time on there this year when dd was doing hers. I had a horrendous time with her. It also depends on how compliant and willing your dc is as all the good ideas in the world will be no use if he/she is like mine and can't be bothered. Good luck.

t875 · 30/12/2015 14:25

Thanks very much I'll have a look x

Mummyhey · 08/01/2016 20:32

If your 13 year old son spent the whole of dinner referring to you as 'the lowest of the low' (for no apparent reason), how would you respond? X

Jinsky · 09/01/2016 19:50

Mummyhey : I would not even consider cooking for him for a while and probably withhold other services, as well. And talk to him about keeping some thoughts to himself. Families don't have to like each other but in my books they have to at least treat each other with respect. And I would have a large glass of red wine to cheer me up!

Mummyhey · 09/01/2016 21:07

Thank you Jinsky. I am trying to 'not sweat the small stuff' but because he's so persistently rude I don't know what to react to or what to ignore anymore! Xx

SixtyFootDoll · 09/01/2016 21:14

Marks place.
DS1 is 1, generally ok but thinks he's older than he is.
He aspires to be on Geordie Shore or the Vallies and behaves accordingly.

stablemabel · 12/01/2016 14:53

Trivial, I know, but sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camel's back

Agree with this poster. Have 'briefed' myself on this thread as I am at the above stage Sad. I feel like everything is complete and utter batshit.

I just want to take myself to a desert island and return when they're about 22yr or maybe stay there permanently

Mummyhey · 12/01/2016 19:35

I'm going to live on a farm in Ireland. No teenagers within a 10 mile radius Wink

sighbynight · 12/01/2016 19:45

I'd love to join this thread. DS1 at 15 is a joy. Puberty seems to have set him right. DS2 14 is an abusive, occasionally violent, depressive nightmare. He's on the waiting list for CAMHS after admitting to suicidal thoughts but that is months off. DD1 is 12.5. I can see the change coming with her. DD2 is only 5, but she copies. (And cursed in fluent Russian after her brother learned it on online shootemup games).

I love them all dearly, but a change of mood from one of them, especially DS2, can bring the whole house of cards down. To mix my metaphors, it is like living in a tinderbox.
So yes. I'll be reading this!

sighbynight · 12/01/2016 19:46

No-one has ever said that I am embarrassing though! So winning there.

Ticktacktock · 12/01/2016 20:13

Can I join please? Dd1 17, Dd2 16. Both horrid in different ways.

Does anyone have any advice for dd2 who has absolutely no work ethic whatsoever? Cannot see the point of doing a Saturday job when she would have to get up at school time and work all day, without access to her phone most of the day, and possibly have to make tea, or sweep floors? What is the point exactly, she says?! She has the chance to go to New Zealand this year, but won't be going unless she pulls her finger out pdq.

Does anyone else have a teen who can't seem to bring themselves to get out and get a job?