DD's friends staying over mealtimes when not eating with us

[fessmess]

Just want to check what you guys think of this. My dd (15) thinks it's perfectly fine for friends who aren't staying for dinner (either we don't have enough or they're having dinner at home) to sit in our lounge or even at the table with us whilst we eat. Now, to me this is the height of bad manners and this would NEVER have happened when I was a kid. My dd says "nowadays people don't worry about this."

Am I alone in this? To clarify I am not about to change my rules and non-dinner guests will have to leave.

Pack of 3 frozen pizzas from Aldi is less than £3 - I always have a couple of packs in the freezer. Also have burgers and rolls in the freezer. And those baguettes that you cook in the oven - always have some of those in the cupboard, and tortilla crisps (nachos are a good cheap snack). Bag of dried pasta or 2 in the cupboard (approx 50p a bag from Aldi) - often will make tuna pasta or last night just stir fried a load of bits of veg and made a veggie pasta with grated cheese when DD had a veggie friend round. If I have bought something else for dinner then we can eat it the next day or DH and I sometimes eat on our own or I put it in the freezer.
I much prefer DDs knowing that their friends are always welcome .....and then I know where they are (and it means I don't have to pick them up as often).
A laid back approach can often work better with teenagers and it doesn't have to be too expensive.

What's the big deal? I'm over 50, but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I would offer them if there was enough, if there wasn't, I would say that they were welcome to stay whilst we ate. We did this with all our 3 teens, and will do the same with dd.

I think it's ruder to kick someone out

Duck - don't worry about not driving, as long as you welcome your kids' mates and ply them with endless food they will flock to your house like bees to a honey pot and you can listen in on what's going on at school

the refusal to leave and rudeness is what would get my goat.

what happens in the houses of the other girls in this situation? are their parents just as strict?

Ah that explains a lot MaryZ
Mine are quite boring when I remember what I got up to and DS 2 doesn't drink alcohol at all.
He is pretty sensible and looks after his mates at parties

I don't mind having teens round at all - not sure if I gave the wrong impression ,after all I have known most of my DCs friends since they were in short trousers and they remember sitting on my lap and having a story read to them
If we are having a family dinner /its a work night then they are generally going off to do homework, have dinner at home anyway.
I agree that I don't want them hanging around the streets- always very firm about that.

Agree Super very odd.

some very strange ideas here - that only if you keep open house at all times for your child's teenage friends can you possibly know what is happening in their lives and that a teenager has the right to dictate who comes into the house at all times.

My teenager was welcome to invite their friends round at times but they were also taught to show consideration for others. They didn't have to spend all ther time at our home because they were, and are, welcomed anywhere.

I am another one who likes DC's friends to feel welcome - and they obviously do judging by the amount of people who come. I wouldn't give them my own dinner though and would be quite relaxed about them eating with their friends.

I agree that they never seem to tire of pizza so I keep plenty in the freezer or send out for a takeaway. So there is food for them but I don't stress about it. DH and I like to eat formally in the dining room in the evening with a bottle of wine, but I don't think that is what most teens want to do all the time, although they love to join us when they are not with friends and Sunday lunch is a bit of a tradition (but I wouldn't mind at all if they had something else on).

I am delighted when the friends want to chat as I like to know what's going on in their lives. We have also been a first port of call on the few occasions when help was needed.

I agree with the PP who said it should be our home not my home and my DC are free to invite guests. I do expect them to be polite though and I can't imagine them refusing to leave.

I think the teens is a very difficult time for parents. They want to experiment eg with alcohol and find friends of the opposite sex. Their bodies are mature but their minds haven't caught up. You need to give them the freedom to grow but protect them at the same time and they need to know that they can always trust you and rely on you to help them out when they need you. Basically you need to keep them as close as possible, which means a bit of give and take on less important issues, and I think the eating scenario is definitely a less important one.

I grew up in a really laid back house with my mum letting me bring people round whenever and whoever I liked. As I got to 18/19 I was bringing boyfriends back and friends from the pub after a night out. I was very studious but also had a bit of a wild side and to be honest used the house like a bit of a hotel because lots of my friends parents weren't as easy going. To be honest a lot of the stupid crap I ended up doing I did because I knew I could get away with it.

I don't plan to be so accommodating with my dd. There is nothing wrong with being the parent and saying no sometimes, it's okay to not have a completely open house.

"don't plan to be so accommodating with my dd. There is nothing wrong with being the parent and saying no sometimes, it's okay to not have a completely open house."

Of course it is.

But having a relaxed open house, and going with the flow doesn't equal bad parenting.

The alternative to having an open door policy is not necessarily not allowing any friends to come over at all or not being welcoming!
I agree withalready its strange that this seems to be seen as all or nothing!
I actually find the "know what they are up to all the time" policy very odd also - I trust DS to be fairly sensible - because I know him so well.

My DS2 has a small group of friends and I cant say I would be overly thrilled to have 10 teenagers crashing through the door morning, noon and night< grumpy old woman> but Maryz has explained why this is very important to her.

I WOH and start very early, sometimes I am studying at home. - its not going to work having teens in the house late at night as I need to go to bed fairly early ,other people might have the constraints of younger DC, shift workers ( nights) etc which mean there are times when the open door isn't going to work.
One hint of trouble or distress and that would of course not be the case.

Where are you Maryz- US?
Hols are not too long here and DS and his GF have jobs .
DS was at a sleepover last weekend and came home at midnight because he needed his own bed - Currently answering to "granddad"

There's a middle ground, Fairylea - and being welcoming to your teen's friends means you have a better idea where they are, and what they are doing, whereas if you aren't welcoming at all, they will just go and hang out with their friends somewhere else, and you'll have no idea what they're doing.

And I'd rather know that my teen and his friends trust me enough to come here when they are pissed, rather than wandering the streets getting into who knows what trouble.

But there are boundaries - like I say, there's a middle ground. All ds3's friends are nice lads - polite and friendly, and they don't take advantage. If they were rude or sullen, I would probably feel a lot less like welcoming them.

It gives me some reassurance too - currently he is off in Malia on his end-of-schooldays holiday, with his four partners-in-crime, and six other lads from their school. Of course I am fretting about too much drinking, sex with strangers, injuries from quad bikes or balcony-jumping etc etc, but because I know his friends, I know that they are going to look after each other, and I trust that they aren't the sorts to go out looking for the worst sorts of trouble - and that is giving me a measure of reassurance.

Mind you - I will be a lot happier when we pick them up at the airport on Friday night, and I can eyeball him for obvious injuries, and start detoxing his liver!

May to September !
Can you employ them all to give your house a makeover or landscape the garden ?

Having an open-door doesn't mean they are here all the time - thankfully most of their friends parents are the same, so they go to each others houses as well - leaving only one or neither of them here! Also it's not every night, usually only Fri/Sat unless it's the holidays.

DD finishes her GCSE's on Tuesday, so I could be eating my words soon!

STDG I have this to come. And it will, definitely come!

MaryZ tut tut - you make them do gardening/decorating in return for food mean mother cracks knuckles