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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD's friends staying over mealtimes when not eating with us

195 replies

fessmess · 12/06/2015 15:44

Just want to check what you guys think of this. My dd (15) thinks it's perfectly fine for friends who aren't staying for dinner (either we don't have enough or they're having dinner at home) to sit in our lounge or even at the table with us whilst we eat. Now, to me this is the height of bad manners and this would NEVER have happened when I was a kid. My dd says "nowadays people don't worry about this."

Am I alone in this? To clarify I am not about to change my rules and non-dinner guests will have to leave.

OP posts:

merrymouse · 12/06/2015 19:58

It's not all or nothing - the choice isn't between always having teenagers drifting in and out and having wonderful relationships with all their friends on the one hand and exiling your children on the other.

Again, there is middle ground where everybody gets to voice their opinions and have their feelings valued.

iwanttobeanonymous · 12/06/2015 19:59

When I was a teen, we would always go home at mealtimes unless staying had been previously arranged.

We had some relatives who had a habit of turning up just before a meal time. Mum would always ask them to stay (as they were obviously expecting) and would suddenly have four more mouths to feed. The woman (an in law) used to make rude comments about it always being egg, chips, beans and corned beef but those were the things Mum always had plenty of.

BertrandRussell · 12/06/2015 20:14

I do think you need to back off on the "my house" thing when you have teenagers. Or even before you have teenagers. Isn't it "our house"?

But I don't put up with sullen and rude. From anyone's teenagers- including my own.

Ragwort · 12/06/2015 20:19

I'm with you OP - I do think it is bad mannered of the girls to stay when you are clearly having a family meal - my DS is a teenager and this hasn't arisen yet but it is something to be aware of. Equally as irritating is the friends who do stay for a meal, when invited, and then are extremely picky about what they can or cannot eat - no alllergies - just pickiness, worse than toddlers .

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/06/2015 22:26

I'm over 50 too, and have an open house policy - for exactly the reason Maryz gives - because I want to know what's going on with them, and have that relationship of trust.

I think a happy, open relationship with my dses and, by extension, with their friends, is more important than dinner time etiquette.

AgentProvocateur · 12/06/2015 22:37

I agree with SDTG AND Maryz (as usual). There's always an assortment of teenagers here. If we're eating and they're hungry, they get fed. You know the magic porridge pot? I have a magic pasta pot. Pick your battles.

MoreBeta · 13/06/2015 08:36

I do think this is also partly a 'girl thing'.

I have two DSs and no male friend of theirs has ever turned down a burger, hotdog, pizza type meal - except for an especially picky Spanish exchange student. Had a few hang around far too long and end up staying for food though. Its usually vey much stick it in a fryng pan, bowl of salad, bread bun, drink, ice cream or piece o cake. No one dies, minimises inconvenience. God help me if a vegetarian friend arrives though.

However, I can well imagine girls coming round and refusing to eat. Girls at teen age are often carefully and secretly monitoring what they eat according to DS1 and obsessing in conversations with other girls school about their weight and 'thigh gap', etc.

Thankfully we haven't had many teen girls round yet and the last two brought food and dragged DS to their house impromptu to eat with them.

My rule is I need to know who is coming and who is staying for dinner, lunch, about 24 hours in advance and I always contact their parents so they know when to pick them up. Most live out of town so teens have to go when 'Mum Taxi' arrives.

Love51 · 13/06/2015 09:09

I would be making it clear that those who refused to leave would not be welcome for a long while. Although I would be ringing parents after 5 minutes. Dd would be banned from visiting those houses while unable to return the hospitality.

I would suggest that at the start of the summer holidays, one day a week dd is in charge of cooking dinner. She chooses with a bit of guidance, you shop as normal, she cooks. Plenty of opportunities to big her up and make her feel.good, and she will realise that meals don't just materialise.

alreadytaken · 13/06/2015 09:54

fessmess your dd is wrong. There are, obviously, people who don't care and there are people who will see them as very rude and ill-mannered if they cause inconvenience to their host.

What you might want to say to your dd is that if you cause inconvenience to your host they may decide they dont want to invite you back. Therefore if they want to be welcome everywhere they go they will learn some manners. Putting your host out is bad manners - that is a simple rule, it's not rocket science, it's about consideration for others.

Perhaps you can come up with examples of when people have been inconsiderate to your dd and draw out the similarities with her behaviour now.

However much your dd protests now at least she will know how she should behave and will probably behave decently when away from home.

BertrandRussell · 13/06/2015 10:06

How is someone causing inconvenience to their host by sitting at the table with a cup of tea or a coke while everyone else eats?

Sparklingbrook · 13/06/2015 10:10

I have no idea Bertrand

BertrandRussell · 13/06/2015 10:13

And actually, who is the host anyway?

Incidentally, I think the very word "host" is riddled with artificial expectations. I might host a formal dinner party- I do on occasion. But surely things are more relaxed on a daily basis? I don't really consider chucking an extra handful of pasta in the pot is "being a host". If my children have friends round I ask if they are going to eat- there's always something if the "family dinner" won't stretch. And if they don't want to eat they come and sit round the table anyway.

DurhamDurham · 13/06/2015 10:14

Unexpected guests happen a lot in our house. Sometimes it's slightly annoying but mostly I don't mind. If I can stretch out the meal to feed an extra I will, if not I've offered cheese and crackers. Sometimes they take me up on the offer but usually they are happy with a drink or a bag of crisps as they are eating at home or have already eaten.
If they are close friends of my girls I'm happy to have them at the table, a couple of their friends have been in holiday with us so we all feel comfortable around each other. With friends I don't know so well we just give them the Sky remote and tell them to make themselves at home while we sit at the table in the kitchen.

Every family has differed rules and you should do what you feel comfortable with

merrymouse · 13/06/2015 10:17

They are causing inconvenience if the people that live there want some privacy (for whatever reason).

Sparklingbrook · 13/06/2015 10:21

Privacy to eat a meal?

BertrandRussell · 13/06/2015 10:23

Well, if people want privacy for some specific reason, then obviously guests can be asked to leave. But simply because ti's dinner time?

merrymouse · 13/06/2015 10:23

Privacy to be in your own house without visitors.

I'm not saying it's reasonable to expect that all the time, but I think it is normal to want it sometimes.

merrymouse · 13/06/2015 10:24

Again, there is a middle ground between shunning your children's friends and having a permanent sleep over.

Sparklingbrook · 13/06/2015 10:26

I think when you have teens you have to expect a lot of visitors and be prepared to go with the flow a lot. It can even be fun.

merrymouse · 13/06/2015 10:31

But simply because ti's dinner time?

For some people yes - why is that a problem? It might not be your way of doing things, but other people do things differently.

There are many different ways to be friendly and hospitable.

CMP69 · 13/06/2015 10:31

DS is still small so I always know if friends are staying for food or not. In my mind the conversion would go "DS friend, I making xx for tea. Would you like to stay or are you going home for tea?" If the answer was not eating I would assume that they would leave when we sat down and would make sure they and DS were aware of this

bigTillyMint · 13/06/2015 10:31

I agree Sparkling - I never really know how many will be in for dinner till very near the time (and sometimes not even then!) which can make for interesting meals!

In your position, OP, I would offer food/drink and a place at the table, but if they said no thanks, then I would be fine with them sitting in the living room and watching TV while we ate.

Sparklingbrook · 13/06/2015 10:34

I am really not familiar with the private meals and evicting DC's friends from the house way of doing things.

merrymouse · 13/06/2015 10:35

I think when you have teens you have to expect a lot of visitors and be prepared to go with the flow a lot.

Perhaps, but as a teenager living with other adults you also have to learn to respect other people's feelings. Many houses containing teenagers have children of multiple ages and include elderly relatives.

Different strokes for different folks.

HSMMaCM · 13/06/2015 10:36

My parents would always welcome my friends. They would offer food if they were with us at meal times. If they declined food, they would sit at the table and chat to us. It's one of the things I didn't really notice at the time, but look back as an adult and I'm glad about how my friends were always made to feel welcome, however inconvenient it was.

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