DD's friends staying over mealtimes when not eating with us

[fessmess]

Just want to check what you guys think of this. My dd (15) thinks it's perfectly fine for friends who aren't staying for dinner (either we don't have enough or they're having dinner at home) to sit in our lounge or even at the table with us whilst we eat. Now, to me this is the height of bad manners and this would NEVER have happened when I was a kid. My dd says "nowadays people don't worry about this."

Am I alone in this? To clarify I am not about to change my rules and non-dinner guests will have to leave.

Don't let mine eat in their rooms either, a bedroom is for sleeping in. Starting to think I know why my dd is always at her friend's house.

We do have an open house attitude tho, it's their home too, their friends are always welcome as are ours. It's how I grew up. Maybe that makes a difference?

ha ha fessmess, it's not necessarily a bad thing, our house is always heaving with teenagers. But they are very lovely, and I like to know the kids' friends.

You'd leave if a friend made herself lunch when you'd been there for coffee?! Really? Wow if I was the friend I'd think that was really weird / rude (would always offer food but not be offended if turned down).

How did I not know of this rule? Maybe all my friends think I'm an uncultured....EATER

I have open house too, helps you to get to know their friends and what they are up to.

Last night her friend sat in dd's room, and felt very awkward apparently. I would have felt very uncomfortable with her sitting at table with a drink whilst I ate. It's this discomfort I want to avoid, my mum is exactly the same.

I'm starting to worry too pomeral

I get the impression is that you like to have a sit down meal with your children.

Could you compromise and reserve some nights for family meals and let other nights be more casual?

maybe if you just relaxed about it it would start to feel less uncomfortable? Are you all quite formal?

I would think it rude.

I have a teen DS age 15 who is just about to move into full scale inviting friends over phase and we will undoubtedly face this battle. On the few occasions it has happened so far I rustled up hotdogs and chips so no big deal but I suspect as I have foolishly spent many tens of thousands building a teen basement den for him and his brother we will become a sort of convenient youth club. Most friends live out of town and we live in town centre so it looks like we are going to have to have strict rules.

So far one pre-emptive rule is we get told who is visiting and when so we do not just have teens floating in and out. This will begin in summer holidays. Just dreading it. I don't want teens in my house when we are eating.

Pick your battles?! If I had my way he would be out working on some manual job like hod carrying, road mending or harvesting like I did at his age. Not sitting on his backside watching Champions League with his mates and inviting random blushing love struck girls into my house.

What do you do for dessert (when you have it)? Are people not allowed to decline because then you might be eating when others aren't?

Yes, POMERAL I would leave because a meal starting, without me, is a cue to leave. A bit like at the end of a dinner party and host offers coffee, subtext is it's time to go.

Well, I never thought this thread would come to much. It's certainly got me thinking.

get him some gravel and a paper bag, morebeta

I think you're being pedantic now Pomeral tbh.

Not sure it's generational - my Mum is mid 50s and never made my friends leave when I was a teen. They were always offered food, which was often accepted, but if they had already eaten / had plans to eat later they would just join us and chat. It certainly wasn't considered rude in my family, but it seems that this may be a bigger issue than just wanting them to leave at mealtimes? Do you need to set some more general rules about how often and how long friends can stay?

Im as shocked as you OP, we're clearly in the minority. I value family meal times, my mum valued them with me. Its our time to talk, to discuss our days. Its a great family time. I'll be pissed off if my kids are galloping through their dinners because their mate is sat upstairs.

Im trying to think if you ate as a family in a restaurant, you wouldnt expect someone to say "i'll sit at the bar whilst you all eat and then i'll eat at home" but is that too far fetched a comparison?

I am starting to conclude it's all about personality, I am quite reserved and introverted. NOT stuck up or prissy. Also, it's about how you were brought up. I don't mind people staying for dinner, in fact I like it, it's the assumption you can ALWAYS rustle something up and that teens can call round at any time. SOmetimes it's not convenient.

Yep I was brought up to leave if a family were about to eat. When dc's have had friends at mealtimes that don't want to eat, we've waited until they left to eat.

Probably wrong too

It has never crossed my mind to ask my childrens friends to leave because we were having dinner. I must have been dragged up

THank you Tinker, I was starting to feel like Mary Whitehouse or something. I never thought this issue was so divisive. I like the restaurant analogy, it works for me.

Just remembering, when I was a kid you never phoned anyone during "the dinner hour of 5-6" it was sacrosanct. Stay if you're invited, go if you're not. SImple.

If your dd and her friends feel welcome at your home, do you think they will spend more time at your house? And if so, is having her friends at your house whilst you are having dinner, a price you are willing to pay?

I think, looking at the bigger picture, it is better to make small compromises if that makes your house a welcoming place for your dd and her friends to hang out.

My dses know I am happy to welcome their friends here. Ds3 has a couple of friends whose parents are much more likely to get cross if they stay out too late or get pissed (they are 18) - I would rather he felt they can come back here than that they were wandering round the neighbourhood. And if ds3 has drunk too much, I would rather he came home so I can keep an eye on him than that he was out there somewhere, pissed as a fart.

He is part of a close group of friends - they look after eachother, which I think is very important - and I aim to foster that by being welcoming to his friends.

That said, I would be very cross if I asked his friends to leave because he had homework, and they refused! But if you give a little over the dinner time thing, you have every justification to say 'Look, dd, I have listened to you about dinner time, and your friends can stay whilst we eat - but if you have homework to do, then they do have to leave - I think that is a fair compromise.'

I would always offer food to guests if they were around at a mealtime.

I can't imagine sitting in someone's house while they eat though. If I had no intention of eating with them I'd leave and let them enjoy their meal.

I should also say, I do think things have changed - I think the 'dinner hour' is far less sacrosanct than it used to be, and family mealtimes are often more casual than how I was raised - but I am comfortable with those changes.

Sometimes we all eat togwther, and sometimes we eat at the same time but in different rooms, watching TV, and sometimes we eat at different times. But when we do eat together, there are no phones, and we enjoy family time and conversation. Another compromise.

I'm shocked these visitors were brought up to not only sit on in your home over dinner time but to refuse to leave when asked !
Outrageously disrespectful. I don't think I would have them back to be honest.

We have open house too and always have a houseful of teens. When I get home from work I ask who is staying for tea. Those who are going home for tea leave after a bit then those who are staying come and collect some food and eat it round the table in DD's room. I just ask them to bring the dirty crockery down. I don't expect them to sit and eat with me- I am a teacher at their school so it would be awkward for everyone!