DD's friends staying over mealtimes when not eating with us

[fessmess]

Just want to check what you guys think of this. My dd (15) thinks it's perfectly fine for friends who aren't staying for dinner (either we don't have enough or they're having dinner at home) to sit in our lounge or even at the table with us whilst we eat. Now, to me this is the height of bad manners and this would NEVER have happened when I was a kid. My dd says "nowadays people don't worry about this."

Am I alone in this? To clarify I am not about to change my rules and non-dinner guests will have to leave.

"For some people yes - why is that a problem? It might not be your way of doing things, but other people do things differently."

But it's causing a problem between the OP and her daughter. The OP is basically saying that her way is the only way- and I don't think it works that way once you have other not-a-million-miles-from-adulthood people in the house.

YY welcoming people HSMM, that's all it is. I didn't know it was such a problem. My parents were the same.

Everyone is fed here.
However, if DC mates turn up after cooking has started, they are responsible for sorting out their mates.
Would never send someone home.

The OP is basically saying that her way is the only way

I don't think she is saying that, but if she is clearly it would be better to reach some kind of compromise with her daughter.

That does not mean having no boundaries and giving up things that she values.

I think it is the 'height of bad manners' to have someone at your table and not offer them food. but there you go.

Yes, Yes, Maryz, exactly!

My DC are welcome in their friends houses, and I want their friends to feel welcome here. I would much rather know who they are hanging out with and for them to hang out safely, than drive them all out!

YY welcoming people HSMM, that's all it is. I didn't know it was such a problem.

Because you don't have enough food.

Because you are ill.

Because a sibling needs the house to be quiet.

Because your house is very small.

Because relatives are visiting.

Because you want some time together as a family.

And many other reasons.

It is quite possibly to be very welcoming sometimes, even most of the time, and at other times say that visitors must go home and come back tomorrow.

Of course, merry. But as a rule, you can be welcoming and accommodating most of the time?

We have 2 extras here right now.

Aren't manners supposed to be a way of oiling social interaction not obstructing it?

Merrymouse- the OP has just said she has a blanket ban- not that there are particular circumstances where she wouldn't want people staying. Of course there are times when you woildn't want other people in the house.

I have 4 MaryZ
The full English is about to begin. Works every time

Well there will always be the chance of any of those things merry I Suppose, but 99% of the time-no problem

Not sure about house size being relevant.

An extra has turned up here in the last half an hour. we are going to the pub for lunch, he can come with us if he wants.

"The OP is basically saying that her way is the only way

I don't think she is saying that"

Yes she is!

I'd be ok with them sitting watching TV while we ate. There wouldn't be room for 3 extras at our dining table anyway! Any extras would have to eat off laps.

I like the idea that some nights are 'protected' for family dinner but the others are open house.

As for people who won't leave, stand up and put your coat on and say 'We have to go out now! It's been lovely to see you' and walk out with them to the door. Even if you have to actually leave the house with the persistent ones, you can return 3 minutes later when they've gone...

From the OP

"Am I alone in this? To clarify I am not about to change my rules and non-dinner guests will have to leave."

But as a rule, you can be welcoming and accommodating most of the time?

Yes (unless your children's friends are rude and take advantage - which you would hope wouldn't be the case).

Its just that the "we always have loads of teenagers at our house, can't understand why everybody isn't like me" posts lack empathy. Fine if you enjoy that, but it's also fine to set some boundaries if you (or other members of your household) find it more challenging.

The problem with saying 'Your friends aren't welcome here any longer, dd - because they were rude/didn't do things our way/whatever', alreadytaken, is that the likelihood is that the OP's dd will just go out to be with her friends, if her friends aren't welcome in her home - and then the OP will have no idea where she is, who she is with, or what she is up to.

Plus she will have lost a bit of the trust between her and her dd, and ramped up the conflict a bit - and that is not going to improve their relationship - and I firmly believe that, if you have a good relationship with your teens, they are far more likely to come to you if they are in trouble - or if their friends are, and need help.

Ds3 knows he can ring us if he is too drunk to get home. It doesn't happen often, but it has happned. He knows there will be a lecture in the morning, but our first priority is his safety, and if that means trekking out in the middle of the night to find and retrieve a pissed teen, so I can put him to bed in his own bed, and keep an eye on him if necessary, then that is what I will do.

And he has friends whose parents are far more strict - and sometimes he will bring them here to sober up a bit before they go home, rather than them all wandering the streets together. I am not seeking to undermine their parents, but I think it is safer for pissed teenagers to be in my house, under my eye, than out there, I know not where, getting into danger.

I think it is also worth remembering that we do not have to do things the way our parents did, the way we were raised - not if it doesn't work for our lives and our family, in the here-and-now.

For example - my mum always did a roast on Sunday, cold meat with salad and fried up, left over roast potatoes on Monday, and a hot dish with the remains of the joint on Tuesday. No deviation ever. I don't do that, because it doesn't work for us.

And yes, the OP might well say that the standards of her childhood work for her, but given that they are causing conflict with her dd, I don't think she can argue that they are working for her family as a whole.

the OP has just said she has a blanket ban

As far as I can see she is happy to include people in family meals - she doesn't just chuck everyone out. Maybe she will change her mind after this thread and be more free flowing. However, letting your teenager have friends over most of the time, but asking them to leave when they haven't been invited to join a meal is hardly inhospitable.

It's just different people having different boundaries.

I am sure that equally there are people who couldn't care less about visitors in their house, but don't really know their names.

Yes merry, of course.
Maybe I should say - as a rule, you can be welcoming and accommodating most of the time and in so far as constraints (such as space/other family members/prior commitments, etc) allow, of course.

Maryz, hats off to you!

I suspect that sometimes my parents shared a meal in order to accommodate a guest, but never mentioned it.

DD knows she can bring a friend any time. If we particularly want a quiet family dinner, we will let her know in advance and she'll work around it.

My DS will have friends round but rarely on a week night- home work ,revision etc but usually for lunch at the weekend /hols.
Also the new GF is here as well
Breakfast and lunch are a free for all here- if DS has friends/GF over he will make arrangements for their food, buy pizza or make pasta .
Im not running a restaurant, they can sort them selves out

Im not overly keen on a house full of teens in the evening, I want to relax and chill out after work. put my pyjamas on
It has always worked out - I offer food on a week night they state their parents are expecting them for dinner and they go
If they sleepover- DS is responsible for the dinner menu and cooking breakfast !

I think the OP is getting a hard time here - the teens refused to leave, very rude!
Its perfectly fine and normal to want to have a bit of peace and quiet sometimes and how on earth do people afford to feed that many every day

"I think the OP is getting a hard time here - the teens refused to leave, very rude!
Its perfectly fine and normal to want to have a bit of peace and quiet sometimes and how on earth do people afford to feed that many every day confused"

Two different issues though. The refusing to leave is outrageous and I would stomp hard.
But the OP is complaining about people staying when she's not feeding them, so it's not a matter of cost. And as to the peace and quiet- well, yes it's fine to want that sometimes. But surely it's OP for the OP's dd to have her friends over sometimes as well? It's the blanket ban I can't figure out. And the strange insistence that being in a house at dinner time and not eating is the height of rudeness.

Incidentally, I always make sure I've got something in the freezer if I find I have unexpected people for dinner. Our table quite often goes chop, chop, pizza, chop, pot noodle, cup of tea, glass of wine,chop.