14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Counsellors who work with young teen girls who have confidence issues need to be especially alert in this day and age to issues like sexting, pressure from boys who may have seen a good deal of porn, pressure from peers to demonstrate 'maturity', etc. And on top of outright pressure or even coercion there is also the very insidious culture of girls feeling they need to please boys, which Duplodon commented on.

Maybe the experience of your DD with needing her confidence boosted via school counselling will alert the counsellor that teens who need this sort of help are vulnerable to sexual predators and that safeguarding them from predatory males needs to be emphasised, or that whatever they currently do in this area needs to be reexamined. If there isn't a component of raising awareness of what constitutes pressure in the area of sex and how to deal with it then there should be.

And another thought ... I would be tempted to take your DD out of cheerleading, Lincoln. Maybe not at once as having a coach who is keeping an eye on her would be a good thing for the next little while. I know it may seem an insignificant detail, and I know that cheerleading is a sport in and unto itself, but it is essentially a sport where girls boost or encourage others or try to manage the feelings of others and present a fake front to the world, and I think it sends a poor message to participants despite having the advantages of involving teamwork and athleticism (and I know boys are involved, but essentially it involves a stereotype of the female gender role). There is also the issue of physical appearance in cheerleading, which becomes significant the older participants get. I would choose a martial art over cheerleading any day, mainly for the psychological element to it and the philosophy behind it, though it is athletic too. I think it offers a lot to girls, and she might be mixing with girls in martial arts who have a more kickass attitude to life and other people than her cheerleading teammates do.

And don't be afraid of her anger.

i've just read the whole thread and have to say, while you've ended up in a horrendous place, at least you were in a position where your DD trusted you enough to give you sufficient information that you were able to be vigilant.

I remember being 14, she's knows you're right, it's just going to take her a while to admit it.

Math, you're being very gracious in the face of horrible attacks by others (not the op btw)

Hi folks

It gets worse. And worse. And worse.

Read through her messages further. Awful stuff including a threat to attack me. Went to police who went through approx 100 messages and said there was no evidence a crime has been committed as she seemed to be consensual despite manipulative behaviour.

We went further back into the messages. There are around 117,000 There is sexual talk since she was 13. Talk of her being his sex slave. Constant turning of innocent conversations to sex by him. And the worst thing- a copy of an order for two lengths of rope from the Internet. Then a picture of said rope in his bedside drawer. Which he intends to use on my 14 year old daughter. One on her arms, one on her legs he says.

I have printed a sample of these messages and intend to go back to the police first thing. Please please tell me they have to listen this time, that this has to be a crime, whether she consents or not? How can I make the police listen? My poor poor little girl. Devastated doesn't touch it.

It's not a fake thread! What kind of person would do that? I am desperate and asking for help here to make the police listen

Thanks oranges I know it seems unreal. I am shocked and can't stop shaking. What kind of a life must a 16 year old have to be capable of this?

Bloody hell OP, I read the beginning of this thread and was in agreement with you and skipped to the end to add my opinion but am horrified to see the developments.

This IS why there are age of consent laws. Because perfectly consensual natural exploration between teenagers is one thing, but an older person manipulating a younger one is damaging at any age, and particularly pronounced when the younger one is under 16.

So sorry that this is happening.

You have to ask yourself where this boy has been getting these ideas from. How much porn and what sort of porn has he been watching, and for how long, and did his father introduce him to it?

Lincoln, you might like to call Women's Aid (0808 2000 247 is the national number but go to the website and you may be able to find a local number. Leave a message either way, and they will call you back. They are often busy but they return messages) and/or a local Rape Crisis Centre.

These two organisations might be able to help you find focused counseling for your DD in processing what has been going on, and above all, in moving forward as a stronger young woman.

Thank you math he has to have been watching a great deal of porn IMO a normal 16 year old doesn't just come up with these ideas. Dd is going to need a great deal of counselling, as may we all, and the sooner we can get help the better.

Haven't slept a wink last night. Called NSPCC to update the log and they still say it's a grey area if there is any crime as Dd was consenting'!!! Even though I have a pattern of messages going back a year which gradually seem to erode her stance on sex. Even though he has bought fucking bandage rope. Even though there are 117,000 messages on her messenger and that could be the tip of the iceberg. We are going back to the police this morning and will attempt to get a proper criminal investigation. I cannot believe there is no crime here. That seems incredible.

I'm sorry Lincoln, this must be such a nightmare for you . Thank goodness you and your ex are united in how to approach this .

I hope the police take some action this time .

Morning op just caught up. Wow what an extreme turn of events. Have you spoke to her school? I can't see if you have already mentioned it. Does her BF go there?

go back to the police and ask to speak to some one else.

Hope you manage to find away through all this.

tequila yes spoke to school fortunately they are at different ones. Going back to police this morning

I can't believe there is no crime here. Surely grooming is a crime isn't it?! And regardless of whether or not it started before he was 16, that's what he's doing?? Did they let you speak to a child protection person at the police station?

how's your Dd? Does she know the extent of the messages you've seen?

I have been lurking here, not posting as I felt I had little to add. Now I feel that I really just have to offer my support to you. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job controlling this horrific situation.

Keep on keeping on and remember that this horrible child's behaviour does not reflect on your ability as a parent. Also consider whether this thread could be kept online if the police take any action.

Thanks everyone. I think it's grooming but by definition there apparently has to be a 5 year age gap. Going back to police with all the new information regardless. Will ask to involve child protection immediately.

Feel so desperate. Just called Samiritans, just to talk. (not suicidal, just feeling distraught)

educate dd does not know about the extent of the messages I've seen. Stayed with ex and step mum last night they say she was relatively calm just worried about what happens next. No idea how I start repairing the dreadful damage this boy has done

I think Math idea if contacting Rape Crisis and Women Aid is a good one. They will the ones able to give you advise on that as well as the names of some counsellors.
I would organise specialised counselling for her ASAP. She needs someone from the outside to help her process what has happened and re learn what is ok and not ok both re sex and in relationship.

Have you heard about the children services yet?

Goodness me, I was initially agreeing and nodding sagely at Lincolns stance on it all ... by the end of the thread I'm in the stamp it out camp!!

Still think you sound a mega mum though Lincoln and please don'e blame yourself

Oh Lincoln I am so sad and angry on your behalf. I've witnessed something similar myself and it was devastating. I don't have much advice other than to say that your dad must be told asap that it is over with bf and she must stay away. Past experience had taught me that these types of boys are unlikely to surrender the tight leash they often spend years tightening.

Thanks guys. Been to police again and they are taking it seriously which is all over really wanted. There will be a case conference then dd will be interviewed probably at school, social workers will be assigned and counselling for dd as required. They were clear that a criminal offence has been committed, but obviously proceeding without dd's consent is going to be difficult which I understand. Just feel better that someone is listening to us on the seriousness of this. Though the path ahead looks pretty bleak right now.

It is a good albeit a very sad and worrying outcome.

I suppose that, if the Police is taking it serioulsy enough to investigate and maybe press charges then it will again show to your dd how inappropriate this is. And it will give you tools to protect your dd from that guy as much as you can.

It's soooo wrong that girls that age find themselves dealing with that sort of relationship issue/abusive twat. They are too young to deal with that (and her bf should be too young to do that too :()