14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Been following this and just wanted to say that I think you're doing a great job OP. I Was groomed and abused and it was well covered up by me and the abuser. I wish it had come to light so I could have been protected far earlier.

She stayed with my mum last night, my mum said she was quiet but calm but there was the odd smile. The police rang me. They have spoken to the bf and told him that the pattern of the messages suggested it was him that had been asking for sex. He did not argue that point. He was told that because dd hadn't made a complaint he was very very lucky as then things would have been very different and he would be being interviewed under caution. He was told all sexual contact must cease. He too insisted he and dd are in love. The crime report has been closed, but if anything comes out from social services it will be reopened. Referrals have been made to ss for both families, us at our request for counselling etc and Bf's family for all their myriad of issues and to the sexual violence unit for dd.

The next step is breaking contact and we need to do it very carefully. I am thinking of getting all 4 parents to sit down with dd so it takes the heat off me. I have been in the firing line and it's been so tough I thought I might have a complete breakdown. I am thinking about it a bit more clearly today. I am thinking of approaching it from the standpoint that this experience has been hugely traumatic for all involved. A period of reflection and recovery is required, during which social services do their job, dd has counselling and the Bf and dad are worked with to change their behaviour. With this and the threat of prosecution if the bf tries to initiate a sexual relationship again this means dd cannot contact him again until after she is 16. We can go at it from the angle that if, as dd says it is true love this time apart would make no difference except in the teaching of them both how to conduct a healthy relationship. I am betting with counselling dd will realise the bf is a dead loss, or one or the other will meet someone else, it is 16 months after all. If not and I have to accept when she turns 16 that she wants to see him again I will just make the experience as unpleasant as possible for him. What does anyone think to that approach? It means we can cease contact whilst not removing all glimmer of hope from dd, which I think she would be unable to cope with.It's still not ideal, the ideal would be that he moves to Outer Mongolia and never returns, or has a sudden fit of spontaneous human combustion. (see I made a joke, we're getting there )

I think your approach might work, on the principle that teenagers want most the things they are forbidden to have.

" i'm not trying to minimise the situation, but I think there may be a bit of a generation gap misunderstanding of the technology here.

No not really . I asked my 15 yo daughter and her 16 yo friend who is here today

" a mum on musnet has a 14 yo DDS who is getting 160 texts a day from her 16 yo BF. What do you think ? "

They both said immediately " I think he's being controlling and it will only get worse "

I told them nothing except what I wrote above BTW

I think thereis no way that this 16yo boy who has been having sex regularly will wait around until the Ops DD is 16 . He will find another GF ASAP

No, Facebook messenger is different especially if they use it on computers as well. It's very much like an instant messenger service. It's not the same as texting. 160 texts would be obsessive. 160 facebook messages could easily be one long conversation, or two or three shorter ones. I'd tell you how many I have to DH but I can't find how you get the count of total messages.

If they've been using them as text messages, it's a lot. If they've been using it to IM, then it's not necessarily, but it is still heavy contact. That's like a few hours' worth of conversation every day.

As an estimate, I'd say on instant messaging, assume around 20-30 seconds average between messages. Because you're actively watching, waiting and immediately responding to them and them to you, and typing on a keyboard is faster than a phone. At that rate that's an hour, maybe an hour and a half's conversation.

But, it doesn't actually matter. The messages have been shown to be coercive. That is the problem.

I'm sorry to hear that Stair in your experience is there anything I can say that will make her realise the truth about the relationship quickly? Or do we just have to wait it out?

lincoln - how are things going?

Your question if how to make her realise the truth of the relationship is very tricky. For different people the 'truth' can look different, depending on their perspective.

It can make her less likely to see the dangers of the relationship, if this is emphasised by adults, however if adults don't point it out it would put her at risk. So it's difficult to know.

Depending on how your daughter feels about him, how he behaved, you and the other adults, the actions taken by the adults around her, counselling, the legalities etc, you might just have to slowly work on the relationship with your daughter, until you feel she is able to take in to your concerns. She may agree, she might not. She may love him but also have concerns. She may not be concerned. And even these thoughts and feelings may go up and down. At the end of the day the goal is the wellbeing of your daughter and for her to develop the ability to chose and develop healthy relationships in the future. Allowing her to come to her own conclusions will probably serve her best in the long run. If the b/f has a sentence hanging over him as a threat for the next year and a half, chances are they will both tire in the end and they would finish it by own choice anyway...

It has been quite a dramatic situation, so it might just take a bit of time for everything to settle down again. Good luck!

Lincoln unfortunately I don't think so. I loved him and it wasn't until he showed his true colours towards me that I realised it what a shit bag he was.

Thanks guys. Alvah your post rings true, we think she has to realise for herself and no amount of trying to hammer the point home will change that. She kicked off at me last night and called me all the names under the sun, but I did get an apology AND an I love you which is progress. She's up and down. She realises he is troubled and must seek help. The question of whether she can ever see him again hangs over us like a sentence and we're not prepared to answer it yet. If she does it will be under the strictest imaginable conditions. If she doesn't I run the risk of losing my daughter permanently. It's having a horrible effect on me and I've been signed off work for two weeks with stress. But she is talking to me now which is something

Perhaps you could just be completely honest with her and tell her that this is a difficult one for you to call, because of your DD's age and the fact of her bf being troubled, so you: either need time some more time to think about it or will get professional advice about whether she should be able to see him. I wonder if it would be a good idea - you'll be the best judge - to tell her that you've (both) talked about this at length/been going round in circles so you're not going to discuss bf until you've done of the two options above. She needs to have a feeling of normality and as much 'drama' taken out of this as possible. If you keep discussing it without 'getting' anywhere she might get the feeling that the situation is out of control IYSWIM.

Does she have a date for her first session with a professional?

It is really tough lincoln, but because we love our DC we do whatever is in our power to protect them. One day she will know this without doubt.

I hope you feel better soon and manage to get some peace of mind. I can sympathise, I have been feeling almost constantly stressed since my oldest DS turned 14.

I'm glad to hear she is connecting with you again, and that she can see he is troubled.

Personally I don't believe forbidding contact will serve the best purpose here.

My sister started going out with a 21 year old drug addict when she was 12!!

Admittedly my mum was useless however I am 7 years older and really tried to sort it out.

In the end shed run away for weekends at a time with him. The police were useless and said she wasn't actually missing if we knew who she was with. Problem was we didn't know WHERE she was or what she was doing.

Luckily, although he tried. she never took drugs. Or wed be in a very different situation. Keeping them apart never worked and in the end she realized for her self how bad he was because he stole my bank card from her and emptied my account. She then cut all contact with him herself and when he was next put in jail he sent me a letter threatening to set my house on fire with my three year old in it and that was totally the end of it but it did last two years and nothing we did to try end it worked. She had a social worker and school knew and shed run away from school at break or lunchtime and go to his and disappear for days.

I think if someone is deep down a good girl they will eventually work it out for themselves.

My sister has no issues regarding it at all now at 22.

Good luck it is a horrible situation to be in and you can get as much advise as possible but in the end its a unique situation and so you need to follow your gut instinct as you know your daughter better than anyone on here.

One thing (not sure if it's already have been mentioned, or you might have already thought of it), is to tell her that, whatever she's feeling about him and the situation now, and however things turn out, you absolutely do not want to be in the position in the future of having her ask why you let this boy back into her life
I'm sure this is something you've considered, but it might be worth communicating with her about it. Seeing things from your point of view is obviously not something she cares about now - but to me she needs to know that you know what this boy's about and you wouldn't be considering her best interests if you let her have contact with him. Tell her it's part of your job as her mother (parent), and if you didn't do it you wouldn't feel as if you were doing that job properly.

Sometimes they need to know that there are things parents have to do for their children's future well-being. Not saying any of this to judge you, btw - you have my full sympathy and wishes for a positive outcome.

Lincoln wondering about the state of play at this point how is DD and how are you holding up? Has there been any progress arranging a meeting with the police counselling?

I think it is extremely important for all the parents to insist on no contact, and you and the three other parents need to hang tough and make sure DD knows there is a united front there, not against her but supporting her as she engages with the counselling and tries to make sense of what has happened.

Please try to stay strong and don't worry about things you cannot control in any way i.e. the prospect of losing DD for good. I agree wholeheartedly with Shotgun's comment you absolutely do not want to be in the position in the future of having her ask why you let this boy back into her life. Do not be tempted to allow your fears of losing DD to get in the way of facilitating a proper withdrawal from this 'love' she has gone through. There are no shortcuts here for DD, unfortunately, and no way to get through this and emerge healthy on the other side except what may look like the very hard way, and what she may say in anger to you is unbearably difficult for her, and there will be blaming and resentment. Think of the relationship with the BF as an addiction and it may help you to dig in for the long haul of helping DD out of it.

I know the title may be offputting, but maybe you and DD could read this -- 'Facing Love Addiction' by Pia Mellody. If you order it, read it first.

Same goes for this one:
'The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us' by Ross Rosenberg. This may offer a lot of insight for you and as she progresses through counselling, for your DD too.

There is also a book by Melody Beattie called 'Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Co-dependents'. Again, don't be put off by the title.

'and what she may say in anger to you is unbearably difficult for her'

Sorry, chopped a few important bits out of this sentence. I meant to say:

and even though she may say in anger to you that this is unbearably difficult for her, and there will be blaming and resentment, stay strong and optimistic.

I think your daughter will be very confused for quite some time

She may not be looking at life long term, more day to day
As a parent you have her longer term interests at heart

If the messages have been occurring for some time, she & he will need to "detox"
They may set up "fake" social media accounts to keep in contact

I guess this is one of the reasons sex/relationship education I believe is due to start in primary schools

A very good point there about the fake sm accounts to keep in touch. Be very vigilant, Lincoln.