14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

So his true colours emerge and even I am shocked at his brass.

it turns out the boy is actually manipulative and sly. And also that his father has no respect for you, an attitude that his son has picked up and reflects in the slavering over your daughter in your home right in front of you. All that hair stroking on your couch was a way of telling you your home is his turf. Parenting boys is indeed different from parenting girls. Give some an inch and they will take a mile.

When he told you you were selfish he was telling you your daughter is now his. This is an entitled young man you are dealing with and I hope he has not treated your DD the way he has tried to treat you.

Lincoln, you may not believe me when I say this, but I fell very sorry that you had to find out the truth about this boy and about his father the hard way. At least you didn't find out by way of learning your DD was pregnant, having been manipulated into it by this very selfish and immature and determined young man.

Don't bother trying to get the father to see things your way. He and his son are laughing at you. I am not saying this to hurt you, but to try to help you see reality. You have already realised the father is a problem here, but you believed he might have the same level of care for your DD that you did. Now you know this was an incorrect assumption. I would assume this man will no longer be counted as your friend - he is certainly no friend to your DD

Please, for her sake and also for yours, just tell your DD the relationship is now over. There is no way you can possibly allow it to continue knowing what you now know about this boy. He is challenging you directly as to who is running this show, and he is pretty sure he has your DD on his side. You cannot hope to have any rules of yours observed by this boy from now on, and you are not in any way in control.

Don't let him get away with this. You have to stop it now.

And to you and your DD.

My bads, never saw the implant section.

I think you need to intervene more strongly. He has taken the piss and absolutely disrespected you and the situation.

But I was the same at 16. I thought I was smarter than everyone else, knew more about the world than all the adults around me and definitely caused a whole deal of stress to my family at times.

And I lied and manipulated situations to my advantage when it came to what I wanted. Whether that meant staying the night with my BF or going to clubs etc. I did it all.

That wasn't my 'true colours'. That was me being 16 and thinking no-one understood me or what I wanted and that everyone was trying to stand in my way but I was oh so mature and knew it all.

After I grew up and got my degrees and after a few years working in MH was working with adolescents - a lot of them had the same attitudes.

This young man may be someone sinister in the making. He might be. But it's just as likely he's a 16 year old pushing boundaries left, right and centre.

So you need to be firm with those boundaries. I'm having flashbacks now to me loudly playing 'she's just 16 years old, leave her alone they say...' a reggae song. I played it at enormous volume when my Mum grounded me to try and stop me seeing my older BF because I'd been caught out lying to get to see him.

I was SO in love (I thought) and so full of the injustice of people trying to tell me what to do and keep us apart. I could cringe now.

Oh and I had a scholarship to one of the oldest private girls school in the country.

Many of the girls on my friendship group were in sexual relationships under age. All intelligent, high achieving etc etc.

How he ends up, or where, are irrelevant.

He is an entitled, aggressive liar and manipulator right now, and that is all that matters.

He has demonstrated to the OP that he (and his father) can be trusted as far as she can throw them.

I haven't posted much as I don't have teenagers so felt I didn't have much to offer by way of advice.

However, I will say that from my observations of friend's teenage boys and from the reading I have done to prepare myself for DS's impending teen years that on the whole (with possibly some exceptions) boys require very firm boundaries around their behaviour in the 14-17 wilderness years.

It sounds to me the bf has lacked this type of parenting in these crucial years. If he had good parenting before that it might turn out OK for him in the long run, if he didn't then things look a bit bleak for him and even more so for his future partners

Irrespective of this, the op's main concern is her daughter and she needs to stop this relationship in any way she can. She also need to stop communicating with the father and asking for his support/help. He has shown he is not going to give it.

i for one tell my Kids i do not approve of underage sex, in fact I tell them to wait. I ensure that very little opportunity is given, and I make no apologies for it.

Frankly I don't care if they do it outside, let them get cold, nettled...if they are that desperate then let them feel the burn.

Also consequences, no grandma will not be looking after your baby, no grandma will not be putting you through uni, no grandma will not be letting you gave nights out with your mates, by minding your baby.

Old enough for sex, old enough for consequences.

Btw I'm the product of a 16 year old, I had a shit childhood, and my mother is still living out the consequences of marrying a teen, who beat her, and ruined her life.

All for an underage shag.

Yes math but you always seem much harder on boys than you do on girls on these threads.

This young man might be what you say 'actually manipulative and sly, telling you your daughter is now his, entitled, selfish, immature and determined young man'.

But your post on 23/05 at 20.30 (and I agree with this part) says 'the brain doesn't mature physically until the early 20s. ...people who's cognitive development is still ongoing lack good judgement. They can be impulsive, hasty and even selfish'.

You used that as an example of why the OPS daughter might be thinking she is 'in love' and happy to be in a sexual relationship.

The same could well apply for the BF. He might be some kind of predatory 'entitled young man' or he might be a teenager who's pushing it too far.

I agree that OP should come down hard on both of them but let's not attribute sinister motives and psychopathology such as 'extremely manipulative and telling you your daughter is his' on a 16 year old kid we don't know too much about.

Maybe you missed the bit where this young gent encouraged the DD to lie to her mother, made a devious plan to have him and the DD spend a day at his house, presumably with sex on the schedule, and not only tried to change the OP's mind about her expressed desire to have them at her home, supervised, but when she stood her ground told her off?

Maybe you missed the bit where he tried to blow off what she wanted and do exactly what he wanted with her daughter instead? Maybe you missed the bit where he insulted Lincoln?

This is not about love in the context of brain development, on the part of this boy. This is a case of a teenage boy who has somehow got the message from his upbringing that he is entitled to get what he wants, and perhaps also that he owes women no respect.

He has behaved as if there are two patches of turf here - one that he controls with the help of his father, and one that Lincoln is now trying to reestablish as her own, having lost ground by allowing him to go to the DD's bedroom and havin been challenged by the slavering that she remarked upon but did not put an end to. That was him testing her boundaries. He will not easily give up the 'rights' he thinks he has won, hence the resort to insult.

I didn't miss any of those bits math. I'm saying that 'those bits' aren't entirely unusual behaviours of teenagers of either sex. Wrong?. Yes.

Just from boys? Indicative of someone (a 16 year old) who 'perhaps owes women no respect'?- maybe or maybe not.

You make damaging assumptions about boys on many of your posts. Just became they're boys. And you may be right in some cases but I'll point out the difference in how you view the boy on this thread 'manipulative, entitled etc' and how you view the girl 'vulnerable to pressure from peers'. Leaving condoms out as 'a way to be rescued from a situation not entirely of her choosing'.

And a teen girl being involved in a sexual relationship as seeking 'something missing or a short - cut to adulthood'. And the boy ' something has gone wrong in his upbringing or development'.

So the girl may be 'looking for something' but the boy has 'something wrong' with him.

And that's just this thread (i've been aghast at some others). I'm not looking for a fight. But your posts suggest you have different views of genders.

And i'll object to that sexism when I see it.

I am just wondering if DD and her boyfriend might be slightly confused about this situation. If they were already sleeping together and now have been to the clinic to arrange contraception, but now they are not to have any alone time together, sounds a bit confusing to me.

I feel there would either need to be a clear message that they are simply not allowed to have sex full stop or an acceptance of that they are in a relationship which has moved on to become an intimate one and that they are taking precautions.

A 14 y/o and 16 y/o who are (or think they are) in love, who have organised themselves as responsible teens (contraception=green card), are most likely going to try and arrange alone time. They have already started having sex, and if at home it is made impossible, where will they be doing it!!??

I wonder how people who announce to teenagers that their relationship is over, expect their teens to react? As that is most likely going to make them hell-bent in finding a way to see each other, in secret. And if it goes underground, how will they he able to share their worries and concerns, if/when things go downhill?

Lincoln I understand that it is disappointing that they have lied and been deceitful. Not very nice that b/f's dad went behind your back too. I have no idea what kind of boy he is, but what they have done is most likely not meant to hurt you, rather probably a way to try and achieve their goal - creating opportunities to be together (alone).

I wouldn't judge them too harshly, as they have in a way been given the all clear,still the 'traffic light stays red". It must be confusing, and perhaps frustrating especially if they were already 'doing it'.

Bf is probably outraged at the unfairness of having his plans interfered with . He probably doesn't see past his annoyance at having a perfectly 'harmless' plan wrecked for what he will see as no good reason at all especially as his gf's mum knows that they have had sex. So what is her problem he will wonder.

Justifiable annoyance is with his father who ought to know better than to undermine another parent. Perhaps he feels slighted by hearing that the DM of his son's gf doesn't think he's 'good enough' for OP's DD, as he might perceive it. Or he might just be thinking 'lads will be lads - leave them be you're only young once'.

Lincoln - justifiably furious though you are, hold your nerve and your tongue as much as you can - this relationship probably won't last too much longer (hopefully). If nothing else soon BF will be wanting to go to pubs etc and the gap in age will become more of an issue. Don't criticise your DD's BF or his DF in front of your DD - she might not understand your (mature) POV and even if she does she won't want to 'lose face' by admitting that her BF and his DF are behaving badly. You don't want to force her into a corner IYSWIM.

Keep the bf close - be very welcoming and engage him in dinner table conversation. Treat him well. Be seen to be taking an interest in him, his views and opinions. There's nothing less exciting than a bf talking nicely about school etc to your mum!

The novelty of the different atmosphere at BF's home will wear off for your DD and she will come to see the contrast between the support she gets from you and the lack of interest/support her BF's DF offers.

x-posted with Alvah - excellent advice IMO. I completely agree.

The relationship needs to be ended, and since the DD was so quick to admit the deception that was afoot when confronted, I would be inclined to take from that the message that she would welcome a very firm intervention by Lincoln. She may not be comfortable at all with the amount of subterfuge the bf is trying to involve her in. He is essentially asking her to choose between him and her mother. I suspect the be has not been as tactful to her about her mother behind Lincoln's back while planning the day at his house as some are asking Lincoln to be in future dealings with him.

If she has ever been uncomfortable in the bf's home, or concerned about the bad relationship between the bf and his dad, or if she has ever seen or heard any abusive language or seen physical abuse then that would equally be grounds for assuring her the ending of the relationship was for her own good, and since she seems to be a smart girl she may well agree. Certainly Lincoln seems to have standards of treating others that are not shared by the other family, so it is appropriate to ask how much else there is beneath the surface that does not mesh well with what Lincoln expects when it comes to treatment of her daughter.

Is this a family that would think nothing of a girl getting pregnant and having to delay her ambition to go to university or work twice as hard to get there as her peers who do not have babies to worry about?

Would the father be as happy to facilitate a sexual relationship involving his gay younger son and a boyfriend he might have?

Maybe you have forgotten that this boy has a brass neck?

Maybe you have forgotten the damage boys can do to teen girls? Pregnancy, no mater how you deal with it, is no laughing matter.

Or is it sexist to suggest boys have been known to get girls pregnant? Is it sexist to suggest boys have proposed having babies as ways for girls to show their love? No boy has ever been controlling and possessive about a girl, and no boy has ever pressured a girl about anything, ever.

Maybe you have forgotten that this boy has already managed to get the DD to lie to her mother about where they will be, alone together, and that a few weeks ago Lincoln only found out about her DD having sex by accident? Whose idea was it, really, to not talk with Lincoln about this big decision of the DD's?

In other words, the charge of sexism is ridiculous.

"assuring her the ending of the relationship was for her own good" - this is the DD who feels that nobody understands her and her bf. I'd be very surprised if she'd agree to ending the relationship. It will end anyway. There's more than one way to skin a cat.....

Remember the tale of Romeo and Juliet? aka Pyramus and Thisbe as recounted two thousand years ago or Tony and Maria as recounted 50 years ago.

The effect of trying to ban this relationship would probably be either to push it underground or have a DD full of seething resentment who vows not to tell her DM anything ever again and seeks an alternative way of exercising her own choices - especially ones that aren't good for her.

The drama must not be fed - a brisk, matter of fact comment on BF's brass neck followed by a magnanimous attitude to him -on the grounds that he's a teenager and a friend of DD - sends an implicit message that her mum is a calm and capable parent and reinforces the idea that the relationship doesn't deserve any drama. Much more likely to influence her DD with that approach IMO.

Horrible situation to be in OP.

Things have moved on rapidly since last night....

I spoke to dd's dad and step mum after the lying incidents and they shared our concerns. Bf had tried to message dd's dad saying I was imposing my rules, changing them to suit myself etc and could he help. My ex sent a brilliant response. Dd then approaches her dad to say she wants to move in with him..totally out the blue. As me, DH ex DH and step mum have by now set up a group chat to share information we were all in the loop straight away. We all suspected the Bf in this sudden desire to uproot so after dd was in bed I went through her phone. He is the driving force behind moving to her dad's. He talks about how they will have more freedom to see each other, have sex etc. He has also been trying to drive a wedge between me and dd, saying the rules I impose etc is not being a mother, basically doing a slow, sly character assassination on me. I haven't waded back far enough to see if he has pressured into sex as I just couldn't read anymore, but nothing would surprise me after reading these messages. To us, it looks like grooming, the four of us are worried sick and step mum is speaking to a colleague in child protection who specialises in this short of thing tomorrow about our next steps.

I feel devastated. This relationship has to end and we have to get her away from him one way or another but that almost seems the easy bit, how I rebuild my relationship with dd after all this nasty young man has done is beyond me. I just don't know what to do

Not posted on the thread previously, but have been following.
No experience other than having DDs 17 and 12, and eldest only had BF in past year.

Very difficult situation, really feel for you, not sure what I would have done up till now other than what you have already been doing.

I would be reluctant to tell your DD you've been through her phone, but is there anyway you can get evidence of the messages in case she deletes them (to protect boyfriend if all kicks off). Screen shots perhaps?

With regards to keeping them separate, can't remember if they are at same school or not? But if he's in yr11 and her yr10, he must be on study leave by now, and she will be back at school next week. Can she be taken to and from school and activities?

Its great that you and your ex DH are all in contact and agreement. If your DD does turn on you, would she be able to stay with them for a while without too much disruption? You would know she is safe, and they would be able to reinforce how you acted in her best interests, and hopefully she would come round and you could start to rebuild from there.

Things have moved on again...

Dd and Bf hacked into my Facebook last night and read the group chat. Currently going mental as you can imagine. Bf dad's reaction was to save the group chat to a memory stick- he seems to think it is us in the wrong.

Am thinking of getting dd to stay with either grandparents nearby or ex and step mum short term until this calms down a little. She's been vicious towards me, it's horrendous I'm terrified at the hold this boy has on her

Where were all the men in her life, her dad and your DH while all this was happening? My DH would never let a 16 year old near our 14 yr old dd. Sorry this is not meant to criticise you OP as it all sounds so stressful and overwhelming but you seem to be doing all this intense parenting and protecting alone.

Oh OP just x - posted with you. I am so sorry they are being so outrageous. You are such a loving mum.

Can they see this thread?

No they can't have secured everything x

Whilst they can't see the thread through your account, remember its public. If they have an idea you might be posting on MN, they may search for specifics. May be an idea to remove the post that contains precise wording to BFs dad, as that may 'out ' you.
Apologies if that sounds paranoid.