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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

520 replies

lincolnshirelassy · 05/05/2015 12:53

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

OP posts:
heylilbunny · 31/05/2015 12:30

I also don't wish to be paranoid but they do seem to be one step ahead of you. Of course they may well have realised that all the parents and spouses were communicating and I'm sure are more sophisticated when it comes to accessing and hacking social media than your average Mumsnetter (such as myself). These two are really out of line, especially with the enabling dad of the bf undermining you.

Your dd will eventually realise at some point that you only had her best interests at heart. What does her dad have to say?

Tequilashotfor1 · 31/05/2015 12:51

Wow op Flowers

I think you've done your best to get through this with out alienating your Dd. Girls are tough to raise. My dd1 has pulled some stunts although she was a little older. The worry you must be feeling must be awful.

Yep the relasionship has to end but you had no way of knowing this was going to turn out like this. I started having sex with DD1 dad at 14 and we loved each over very much. He wasn't like this boy.

If she went to her dads would be impose the separation properly ?

math you have offered nothing in support to op apart from unrealistic, smug, laughable self congratulatory posts. Here have my first ever ODFOD Smile

shartsi · 31/05/2015 13:51

Tequila, math was spot on. She sussed thst things were not as rosy as Op was being led to believe.

Tequilashotfor1 · 31/05/2015 14:06

It was a guess shartsi

I met dd1 father at 13 and we started having sex when I was 14. He was 15/16. I stayed with him till I was 20. Not all young boys are like this boy.

TheMagnificientFour · 31/05/2015 15:40

wow lincoln

Tbh I agree with pp about having this thread deleted too.

I also believe that having a united from with your dd's dad is hugely helpful. If he is happy with that, she can be at his house for a while, get the same restrictions (or more!) than at your house.
That way, it isn't just about you and you will have another pair of eyes looking after her.

Does she have any 'find my iphone' type of app on her phone too so you can check if she is lying to you or actually doing what she is telling you she is?

Is the bf at the same school? If so could you get the school on board to be sure she isn't skivving etc?

AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 17:00

another one coming on to defend math because I know she would not be crass enough herself to make any posts remotely like "I told you so"

but she did, and she will derive no satisfaction from that

linc you have been working under some terrible misconceptions about what has been happening with your 14 yo daughter

this is now escalating to true life changing stuff, I am very sorry to see Sad

I hope you can help her out of what is, and always was, a coercive, damaging and fucked-up situation

the best of luck to you Thanks

Reginafalangie · 31/05/2015 18:34

Nobody is saying math wasn't right......but maybe if she had made her points without putting the OP down constantly the OP may have taken them onboard sooner.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 18:42

No, Regina, op was determinedly not listening

she made the classic mistake of thinking she knew exactly what was going on in her teenage daughters head

it's a harsh day when you realise you don't have a clue, and never did

I speak from experience ( not the same situation, but something equally devaststing)

I thought I knew my dc. I was wrong.

SarfEasticatedMumma · 31/05/2015 18:45

Hi OP I realise that this is not an ideal situation for you, but I think you are handling it well. You must be pretty gutted. I would be.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 31/05/2015 18:55

I called the NSPCC helpline for advice and talked through it. They were really great and I feel better for having done it even though the fall out will be hell. They felt there was sufficient cause for concern to refer and I've given my permission for a referral to Children's Services, who of course will also information share with the police and others. Dd alternately angry, distraught, resigned. Keeps asking if she'll ever be able to see Bf again. Just don't know what to say. We just have to wait.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 19:07

OP, that was absolutely the right thing to do

Your family needs help Thanks

Northernlurker · 31/05/2015 19:22

Feel very sorry for the situation you are now in OP. It's clear from the whole thread that you have always tried to take care of dd as best you can. Eventually she WILL see that. Somebody I was at school with was sexually exploited by an older boy. The relationship turned into a total nightmare for her and it was her mum who got her through that.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with her dad and stepmum so that will be helpful. Are there any other adults around who have influence over her? Aunt? Godmother/family friend? It might be helpful for her to talk to another caring adult woman about what has happened and why you have acted as you have.

mathanxiety · 31/05/2015 19:48

Jesus.

Lincoln, you have every single ounce of my sympathy.

mathanxiety · 31/05/2015 19:55

This thread is about a young teen girl in a very horrible situation, the victim of a nasty piece of goods (and his deluded father too.)

If anyone wants to continue to address remarks to me about anything I have posted here, please PM me.

mathanxiety · 31/05/2015 20:12

It seems her dad and stepdad are both decent men, so they could be really valuable here in building up her self esteem as a girl again after what was probably a pretty long process of eroding it by the bf.

School may be able to provide some counseling and extra monitoring, as other posters have suggested. If she has a coach for her cheerleading or swimming, I would be inclined to talk to them too, and ask them to try to boost her spirits.

You are brave to have called the NSPCC, and to be willing to face all of the fallout. Many families would sweep it under the carpet.

Reekypear · 31/05/2015 21:30

I hope it gets sorted op.

Thank God we have laws that protect our children from others and themselves.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 31/05/2015 21:59

Thanks everyone. Tough tough day and many more ahead. Dd still can't see what he is doing and insistent the relationship can continue. Treading carefully for now on responding to that, though all means of communication have been severed. There are some blessings in divorce it seems- in some situations the force of four parents is very welcome! Though dd still thinks all four are wrong about this, guess it will take time and patience

OP posts:
longtimelurker101 · 31/05/2015 22:02

Simple then, take the thread to the police, its called grooming and the Romeo and Juliet clause of the sex offences act 2000 will not apply. Your daughter does not have to comply for him to be prosecuted if you report it, you tried to deal with it well, she is being coerced and he can be taken to court.

I believe the charge is explicit but involves the phrase "knowing her to be under the age of 16." See how the threat of the Sex offenders register for life takes him.

As I said previously, if they are happy and healthy there is little you can do, this is neither and should be reported.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 31/05/2015 22:16

longtime it has been reported, Children's Services via NSPCC who automatically involve the police

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 01/06/2015 11:00

Very sorry to read your recent posts Lincoln. I hope that children's services offer her specialised help as she must be feeling confused and conflicted.

And I hope that her bf gets some help too as he is only 16.

Flowers for you and your DD.

NoMontagues · 01/06/2015 11:20

I've just read the entire thread and I'm so sorry OP

DD is turning 14 next month so some of these issues have begun to raise their heads in our household and this thread has been a huge eye-opener.

math thank you for your posts, they have helped me.

Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 01/06/2015 11:28

Thanks everyone. Another awful day ahead but she's gone to school, I took her in and we talked together to the team leader for her year who was brilliant and reinforced a lot of the stuff I have been saying. They've said she can see a counsellor today who she's seen previously for confidence building and who she trusts. Going to her dad and step mum for a day or two tonight so I can have a bit of a break and give time to my other DC's. Dd still mostly refusing to accept how awfully Bf has behaved and smashed her room up this morning but I guess anger, tears and frustration will be around for a bit. I just hope in all her discussiond with all the adults involved she'll eventually see what exactly this boy was trying to do you us allSad

OP posts:
Original poster
lincolnshirelassy · 01/06/2015 11:30

No don't make the mistake in made, to worry so much about predators outside the home that you completely missed the one in your own home sitting on the sofa and eating your food! I could cry, so cross with myself. And so scared dd will never forgive me.

OP posts:
hotlikeme · 01/06/2015 11:58

In time DD will understand why you and the other important adults in her life have acted to protect her and she will not only forgive you but she will thank you too Lincoln.

JustLikeMe · 01/06/2015 12:17

I agree she will thank you, especially as the other adults in the her life are already hammering the same message to her.

Of course she is angry! She is probably angry against you, against the whole world and against herself.
That doesn't mean your relationship has been damaged beyond repair.

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