14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Having been in abusive relationships in the past i'd say Bertie's post is spot on.

I was vulnerable to abuse because I was too nice, I saw the good in everyone. I was in two relationships where my exes had a terrible start in life and I excused their awful behaviour towards me because of this.

It has been a long process to change my thinking on this.

Simply vilifying the boy and making him out to be a deliberate, knowing sexual predator may not be helpful as it will probably be so far from the idea the OP's DD has of him, it could be counter productive and feed into her ideas of them as star crossed lovers, kept apart by adults who just don't understand.

Better to explain that his behaviour towards DD was unnacceptable and damaging (without speculating about his motivations) when speaking to her about him, rather than starting from the point that he went about it all deliberately if IYSWIM.

I agree with wigglylines about being careful about vilifying the boy.

I may have missed some information, but I do not see where he turns into a sexual predator whose even his younger siblings are in danger from!!??

Neither do I see why we are crying rape?!

From what you have said about the text messages, I agree that he has talked/coerced your daughter into having sex with him, which is sadly very common (and encouraged) male behaviour in our culture. I believe he should ideally be caring for/protecting your DD by ensuring she didn't rush into anything. I will assume that he had genuine feelings for your DD considering they were in a long term relationship and not just picked her for her age/personality to abuse and take advantage of. However 16 year old boys with raging hormones may not have as good self control as we would like them to have. Also if DD had feelings for him, she might well also have wanted to be intimate with him, which is perfectly natural. If she still feels in love with him, she will probably not feel 'abused' about the sex. I share your concerns about his 'attack' on you and trying to turn your DD against you - not the kind of boy friend you would like for your daughter...

Although we as parents and adults may see the abuse in this situation, it is not necessarily what she experienced this relationship to be for her. Therefore crying rape and abuse, may make little sense to her. It is good though that she is going through the concerns she had within the relationship; which is healthy reflection in any relationship.

She could probably do with the counselling, however she might need/use it for a different reason than what was intended; to make sense of everything that is going on around her at the moment. She'll need to work out how she feels about him, how she feels about herself in the 'aftermath' and the adults around her (why they are doing what they are doing).

OP I really feel for your situation, I am sure it things will get sorted soon for you and your DD. It sounds like you are a good team around her and once the communication with your DD returns to normal (and because you already had established a good relationship with her before this, I am sure this is not to far away), you can hopefully soon both take a deep breath of relief

We are suggesting getting help from a local Rape Crisis Centre, not because we are sure there has even been a rape per se though I would not rule that out, but because Rape Crisis Centres have counsellors and also can refer clients to counsellors, and those professionals are the appropriate people to go to after a sexually exploitative 'relationship'.

'Long term relationship' means squat. It most certainly does not indicate any true affection, or respect, or any care for the girl's welfare. People have been known to endure long term abusive relationships that went on far longer than this one. This one was imo exploitative from the start. There have been 117,000 texts from him that Lincoln is aware of. She has seen the way he brought sex into virtually every single conversation.

math I am suggesting that for DD it may not make sense if adults approach the situation from a 'he is a dangerous predator who never cared for you and only wanted to take advantage of you because you were young ' approach, if that is not the reality from her perspective. The counsellors from the Rape Crisis Team may be good for working through issues experienced in a sexually exploitative relationship, however I doubt that is how DD views her relationship with the boy.

117 000 texts is probably pretty 'normal' for teens. Over a year and a half and at different schools, with DD being busy with after school activities, it would be the only way to stay in touch.

What matters here is how this relationship made DD feel. How the text messages about sex made her feel and if on reflection she felt coerced and pressured to please him. We do not know about how her boyfriend felt about her or exactly how she felt about him/felt about herself in a relationship with him.

I can see DD turning around and beginning to communicate with OP sooner, if the adult approach to the situation is more compatible with the way DD experienced the relationship herself.

Very good advice from Alvah IMO.

Also, she is probably annoyed at the intrusion into her privacy - she might be resistant to openly talking with her OP about the relationship as a (subconscious) way of taking back some control of her situation. Obviously OP needed to find out what had been happening and gather evidence but it must be humiliating and embarrassing for a teenager (or anyone) to have their private messages read.

And whatever the extent of her bf's intentions he deserves some compassion - he's only 16 - something has 'gone wrong' in his environment presumably. He needs help so that he can learn how to have healthy relationships in the future. This is in the interests of everyone.

Hiya

Thought I would give you a quick update. Two officers came to speak to dd last night.

They bought two specialist police officers rather than a social worker. They spoke to dd for about 45 minutes them summarised with me what was discussed. In a nutshell dd had shared all her worries but would not make an actual complaint against the Bf which was kind of what I expected. They will still be interviewing him formally and if anything comes out of that he could be charged, but that is unlikely given that dd wouldn't make a complaint as they could form no prosecution case. Which I get and dragging dd through court maybe is not the best thing anyway, and it was never so much about criminalising the bf as much as protecting dd anyway.

They were very clear to dd that the adults involved had acted completely correctly and this was the best possible thing for her and the Bf. They made it very clear he had behaved very badly and all the things that happened should not have happened. They will be telling the bf his behaviour has been completely unacceptable and the sexual relationship must cease immediately. If he tries to start it up again they will charge him immediately. A record of the crime will also stay on record forever, with all the details. That will follow him for the rest of his life.

I got the impression one of the officers did not entirely believe dd. She asked if we would like a referral to the sexual violence unit for counselling, which oddly enough dd agreed to immediately. Social services will also probably call us, and I will be going into detail about the emotional manipulation etc on order to get any specialist help she needs.

Dd had gone into incredible detail about the abuse she sees her bf suffering in his house and her worries about it. They asked if they could pass on all the information she gave them to social services and she said she really wanted that to happen. Social services will presumably get involved with the family and put in place what is needed, though I strongly suspect the bf will protect his dad. I prepared dd for the fact that the bf and dad may be angry with her for speaking out but she says she is prepared for that as she knows she has done the right thing, which I reinforced.

The uphill struggle she has now is she thinks she can pick up their relationship again somewhere down the line, albeit without sex
I have tried to be non committal about it. I I need to think this through, discuss with dh, ex DH and step mum and tread very carefully but with a united front again. There are lots of possibilities, bf may quickly become bored now sex is out of the picture, the dad may stop him seeing her, or, best case scenario dd after counselling may decide to end it. She knows the bf has severe problems and needs help and is questioning a lot of stuff. This is going to sound unbelievable but I wonder if banning the relationship is the best thing? Obviously the thought of seeing his face ever again fills me with nausea BUT there is more than one way to skin a cat. I doubt he will hang around until she turns 16. Alternatively we can put so many restrictions in place such as them never being unsupervised. He will have to see her only at our or her dad's house for a very short space of time, with us present knowing we will not back down on a single rule in future. We can put apps etc in place so we are remotely monitoring every single text, photo etc. The relationship will become completely boring to bf over time. Obviously I am not talking about her seeing him for a significant amount of time, but longer term maybe this approach would be better. Unless I never let her leave the house again and completely cut her off from all her friends she will eventually find a way to contact him. I also risk alienating her again if I outright ban it. This way I can still have control over everything, dd accepts the need for change and I also have the option that if things don't change, if anyone tells a single lie, shows even a modicum of disrespect or tries to undermine my rules in any way that is it for good.Perhaps all the adults concerned need a bit of time to mull this one over and then come up with a plan of action.

My personal feeling would be that you can ban her from contact with him and if he contacts her you should report it to the police. They may try and contact each other but I believe the message should be you don't contact an abuser, you need to draw a line in the sand. She may think she's still in love but I think your message should be no matter how she feels his actions show that he is not safe for her to be in contact with. Her reaction to be very willing to speak to the sexual violence unit may mean there is a lot she is not telling you. Please do not condone their relationship.

Totally understand that too heli and to be honest I am torn. Obviously no contact for significant period of time. But after that what do we do??!?? How do we enforce it? She knows the police have not said she can't contact him- I wish they had.

The problem is she just doesn't seem the emotional abuse side, and if I try and tell her she goes for me viciously. I can see what he's doing, she can't. I don't know what we can do to get her to see it, I'd hoped we might be there by now. Any offers on how to approach this, or reasons I can give to her for preventing contact that do not label him as an abuser, as she is not ready to accept that, gratefully received.

linc I think this is going to be a marathon more than a sprint.

I would totally ban any contact. Even a small amount of contact will be enough to keep the fires going if they are determined to see each other.

She seems to respond well to out dude sources so when she starts counciling she will see if from a different view rather than mean old parents.

What I learnt of my DD is that she is actually a really good liar to my face. To the point I believed her when she told me the 'truth' . Which was always half truths. If contact is allowed again - it will undoubted pick up where it's left off.

I'd be ok with her hating me for a while, as I knew I was doing the right thing. After what you have found out about this lad I wouldn't let any where near her. I think her misery and anger towards you is making you soften on your resolve. You don't want to let her manipulate you when your trying to protect her.

She is only 14. She doesn't know what is best for her in these circumstances. It's not up to her to worry for his well being. He wasn't thinking of her well being when he was ordering ropes and trying to turn her against you.

You are most probably right tequila and I probably have to do this, accept it is going to kick off and she'll turn on me and go and stay with her dad again. I have to accept the pain that will cause me in order to do the best for her long term. Not looking forward to it though.

Maybe she goes for you viciously because on a subconscious level she knows you're right and she can't handle/process that that's what he's been doing. Like a defence/protection measure?

Hang on heylil and OP, I was most definitely NOT saying that OP should waste any brain space or sympathy on the BF at all. Really sorry if my post came across that way. I was intending to provide a window into how the DD is viewing the situation, is all.

Sorry I didn't come back to correct that assumption earlier, I haven't had much chance to get on the computer.

Will catch up with thread now. Really sorry if I inadvertantly caused any distress :(

YY, Aye might be right.

I think it's okay to say "You may not contact him because you are 14 and we feel this is best for you." You don't always have to explain your reasoning to her. Or you can promise her that you will explain it when she's 16/18 but not right now.

She might turn around and contact him when she is older, but by then she will be 2/4 years older, have much more experience and have had time to process this.

It's REALLY good that she's open to counselling. Really. Don't underestimate that. I think that the counselling will also help her to square this circle of trusting you but disagreeing with you, of knowing that you're right but not being able to look it right in the eye and accept it. That's just something she needs to do with somebody outside the family, she also probably feels guilty that she's hurting/upsetting you but also not able to accept you or deal with her anger towards you right now. I'm really certain she'll come back and be very grateful and appreciative, but she needs to come through this really hard time first.

Is that article really helpful or constructive here? I found it a bit hysterical (I agree with the premise, but the use of "warping today's youth" and the total absence of any discussion of abuse, as though assuming that perfectly nice boys are zombies to the porn trance) and unnecessarily graphic.

But I think the point was that many sexual practices that adults know to be relatively unusual are normalized for teens by porn. I don't think that is hysterical I think it is a reminder for parents to not be naive. For young teens this can be the new normal and it is possible that they think it is something they are expected to do. They have no context for porn via the internet being a newer platform for their parents, for them it has always been accessible everywhere.

Yes, but this situation is nothing to do with porn and everything to do with this boy being abusive. Porn may have influenced some of the specifics (rope, etc) but guys acting like this existed 30 years ago, too.

Yes they existed but they didn't have a 24/7 live tutor available either. I have asked for the article to be removed because I think I was hasty, my apologies.

OP I hope I can offer you some reassurance now.
I was your daughter ten years ago. I put my mother through hell with my abusive relationship with an older boy. Social services even became involved. It was hard for a few years but by the time I was 18 we were fine.
Now I'm 24 and honestly she's my best friend. I am glad she eventually came down hard on him and banned him from my life. The best thing my parents could have done for me was banning him. At the time I raged at them and sobbed but God I couldn't imagine anything worse than having him in my life now.
Good luck.

117,000 texts over two years is 160.2739726 texts per day according to my calculator.

I think this is an outrageously high number of texts, and not 'pretty normal' by any stretch of the imagination.

Of course the DD doesn't see how she has been exploited. DO you think a counsellor at the Rape Crisis Centre would sit her down and announce that to her and brook no argument?

I can assure you (and I can assure you too, Lincoln) that the approach would be incredibly subtle.

I am very glad that one of the officers seemed not to believe DD (suspects there is more than has been revealed) and that DD has agreed to talk to the police sexual violence unit. The process there will not take the form of anyone trying to bludgeon DD over the head with their take on things either.

For the moment it is immaterial whether the DD communicates with the adults concerned here. Communication with the adults may reassure them that things are getting back to normal and relationships are not severed. But it is the healing of the DD that matters, and even if this involves spells when she is extremely angry with the adults around her, or incommunicado, this is what needs to be done first and foremost, with all the adults here willing and able to wait it out.

The healing of the DD is not going to happen overnight. The adults in this situation need to be very patient.

SS will see right through any protecting of the dad that the BF tries. Glad to know SS will look into this family, and hopefully the small children will be no longer exposed to whatever toxicity there is there.

Lincoln, do not play with fire.
Do not under any circumstances allow any resumption of this relationship in any form.
The dad is absolutely not a trustworthy person and you cannot count on any co-operation or understanding form him, or any concern for your DD.
You have seen how the BF flouted your rules, in your own house, and the pressure he tried to exert on DD.
This is a young man who takes a mile when given an inch.
You must not give him a single inch here.
Please stop kidding yourself that you have any control over things where this boy is concerned. You do not. He is a sly, manipulative and aggressive sexual predator and the police think that too.

You have involved the police and now you have to back them up because they are trying their utmost to protect your daughter from this boy.
The police have warned the BF that if he ever has sex with DD again he will be on the sex offender list for the rest of his life. The police would charge him if DD gave them the green light. Please take that very, very seriously.

Under no circumstances should the DD ever see this boy or have contact with him again. Maybe when they are both in their twenties or later, but for the next few years don't be tempted. You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.
DD needs to go through withdrawal in order to really break free and restart her life here, so give her that chance. Cold turkey is the best way to accomplish this.

If I posted that my DHs was sending me 160 texts a day , everyone would say he was controlling . Trying to keep tabs on what I do , stopping me having any life when I'm not with him

Op, surely you knew about this vast amount of texting ?

It's not necessarily 160 separate communications though - if they're using texts / messages as their main form of communication, then they will probably be having conversations back and forth - each text would be just one line within a conversation, you could quickly get up to 160 a day. That could be normal to many teens.

I'm not trying to minimise the situation, but I think there may be a bit of a generation gap misunderstanding of the technology here.

The important bit isn't the number of texts, but the content of them and their effect on OP's DD IMO.

In more general terms, however, modern tech does mean that an abusive partner (or on the flip side, good friends!) can be ever-present in a teen's life in a way that simply wasn't possible when we were young.

It must feel very odd for her to not have him to talk to after that level of contact, and I agree with others no contact is probably the best way to start healing.

They're Facebook messenger conversation so, don't know if that changes the view of things?

How are things today op what the next course of action?