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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

520 replies

lincolnshirelassy · 05/05/2015 12:53

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

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EducateTogetheralumnus · 02/06/2015 16:09

Lincoln hopefully this will bring home the seriousness of it to your DD. Thank goodness they're not at the same school.

It's great that counsellors are being assigned to her but can I urge you to make very certain that you're happy with the counselling provision? In my experience it can be mixed - particularly for teenagers.

Hope DD is ok when she comes home this evening.

lincolnshirelassy · 02/06/2015 16:54

Dd has gone off to dad's again. She is still so angry with me. I have no idea how we are ever going to rebuild the relationship.

And she is still protecting the Bf and I very much doubt she will budge an inch with the police Sad

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AyeAmarok · 02/06/2015 17:01

Holy Crap OP Sad This is awful.

Math I'm sorry I jumped on you earlier in the thread. I hated how some were making out that this was some sort of parenting fail that only happens to a certain type of family.

Which I don't think is the case at all, it's just your luck what sort of boy a teenage girl comes into contact with, and any outwardly decent boy/man can have a fucked up attitude to sex/women/girls, which we see all too frequently on the relationship boards.

I don't believe all 14 year olds who have a sexual relationship have been abused/coerced into it, I can't fathom that to be the case, it's too awful. But now I wonder.

Lincoln you and your DD have been so so unlucky. It's awful to think a young girl can systematically be worn down to the point where a 15 year old boy sending pictures of ropes to tie her up seems "normal" to her. Is this a 50 Shades consequence? Or just his exposure to porn?

Hard to not blame his dad a bit.

OP, when did her confidence issues start? Before or after she got friendly/into a relationship with him? I'm wondering if he has caused those.

rogueantimatter · 02/06/2015 17:08

She'll need some time to think about everything. It must be confusing to go from getting contraception to having the bf banned in quite a short space of time. She'll take out her hurt and confusion on the person closest to her - ie you.

She's a teenager - teenagers aren't known for admitting they've made a mistake.... But she'll realise that all the significant adults agree that the bf doesn't have her best interests at heart - unlike you who does. It must be very hard for her to admit even to herself that the boy she likes so much was using her.

She might surprise you by bouncing back from this surprisingly quickly - quicker than you. At the moment there's still 'drama' involved, but that will hopefully settle down once she has been interviewed and she can get on with building her life without this boy.

Jen1610 · 02/06/2015 17:23

I know this thread was started awhile ago but I wanted to add my two cents in case the op sees it. I lost my virginity at 14, to a boy two years older on a drunken one night stand and am mortified about it still to this day (his kids go to same school as mine and 16 years later I still cringe web I see him everyday) however I then started going out with my now husband when I turned 15 and wish so much I'd lost it to him.

People do have sex earlier. The positives are she's in a long term relationship so will likely never regret it. She's being sensible and using contraception and opened up to you and he respects her and they made this decision together. What Difference would making then wait until sixteen actually make? Girls DO mature physically and emotionally before boys hence the reason girls usually go out with boys a year or two older and are ready for sex earlier.

I think you have handled this in the best way possible.

EducateTogetheralumnus · 02/06/2015 17:26

Lincoln your relationship WILL recover, I truly believe that. It may take time but from an adult's perspective, it can easily be seen that you're only protecting Her.

Is she talking to your exH? Is he getting an opportunity to reinforce your messages?

This has all happened so fast -- everything she has believed to be true has just been ripped apart - she's surely going to react the most strongly in the safest direction, and that's towards you.

rogueantimatter · 02/06/2015 17:54

FWIW - I feel very sorry for everyone involved in this horrible situation. I hope everyone gets some proper help to enable them to understand what has happened and how to move on to eventually having happy and healthy relationships.

Jen1610 · 02/06/2015 19:57

Okay so I've since sat the last couple of hours reading the whole thread and see the situation has changed and the haven't been in a 'normal' teenage loving relationship that led to sex.

What a wee horror. I do think he's obviously watched a lot of porn or read the fifty shades of grey books. I also think hes latched on to your daughter so much because he's had a pretty hard home life. Mum dies, dad remarries then divorces and hits the drink. Your daughter and the sex has been his escape from it all. But he's gone too far.

I hope all goes well op.I do think you will struggle to get your daughter to see what he has done wrong because as far as shw is concerned she loves him and agreed to it all. Good luck and sorry it came to this.

lincolnshirelassy · 02/06/2015 20:38

Thanks jen that was a very accurate summing up. Yes I think he thought my daughter was an escape, but so much so he wants her entirely to herself isolating her from friends, family etc. I just hope counselling etc will help her with what she is suffering right now.

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mathanxiety · 03/06/2015 01:03

I am more of the opinion that he targeted your DD because he sensed he could. He was a 15 year old boy when they started 'dating' and no doubt he had been working on her for a while before then, testing every step of the way the same way he tested how far he could go in front of you (the slavering was a test for you) and keeping on pushing his own agenda (you have seen this in their texts, where he brought up the subject of sex at every opportunity). I know I remarked that he may have been using her as a 'healer' upthread, but I do not think this was a case of drifting or even consciously using the DD as a salve. This is an aggressive predator imo.

If he had just wanted 'rough sex' or bondage or a sex slave (he used this phrase) why not try his luck with someone his own age?

No, he went after your DD because she was younger and sensed she was in some way more vulnerable than someone his own age or at least older than your DD.

I am very concerned that this boy has had access to two small children with no responsible adult present, on weekends when his two half siblings visit their incapable-of-parenting father. If you have not already alerted SS to the fact that there are two small children in harm's way in that home at least part of the time, then you need to do this. I would hope that SS will be called in to investigate the home life of this BF now that the police have started to take your DD's situation seriously, but I hope someone realises that the two small children may well have been exposed to harm and investigates.

lincolnshirelassy · 03/06/2015 07:38

Hi math yes I told the police about the worrying home life during one of their interviews with us so it will all form part of whatever intervention Ss put in

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JustLikeMe · 03/06/2015 11:14

I have to say I'm still Shock at what this 15~16yo has come up with!

Where on earth did he get all these ideas from (yes I know, It's the porn etc...) but to assimilate them in that way at such a young age?
I mean at that age, most teenagers haven't even started to have sex yet (average is 16yo isn't it?) so to have developped all these ideas and taken the time to implement all that ... :(

I have to say lincoln I would never have expected that from a teenager that age. (All the stuff that Math was related up thread re what girls see as a 'good choice' and if being pg is seen as desirable etc... that I can understand).

JustLikeMe · 03/06/2015 11:15

is your dd still happy enough at her dad and is he still supporting you on that subject?

spanky2 · 03/06/2015 11:38

Your dd has a supportive family, good male and female role models and professional help, which will go a long way to repair the damage. When I was 19 my first boyfriend tried to kill me by suffocating me and raped me often. I didn't have the family to back me up, abusive too, but I had counselling (sounds bad writing it down!) I am now happily married and two dcs. So there is hope. I am going for some cbt, to deal with my childhood, but I have come a long way. Have faith in your strength and love to support your dd. Sending love.

lincolnshirelassy · 03/06/2015 11:59

Thanks everyone spanky how awful Flowers

Her dad is happy to have her as long as she wants and him and step mum are being supportive, so she is safe and well looked after. I just miss her, I saw her for half an hour yesterday but she still blames me because I reported it and wouldn't even let me high her Sad

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lincolnshirelassy · 03/06/2015 12:00

That should be hug her!

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heylilbunny · 03/06/2015 15:02

LincolnLassy this is one of those really hard times when we have to be the parent and not necessarily the friend, the adult when they need to be protected. So sorry you are going through this but you know that the number 1 priority for our children is their safety. Have you got close friends to turn to (?) and your mentioned your DH, I hope he is supporting you emotionally.

Thinking of you and happier days ahead.

lincolnshirelassy · 03/06/2015 15:46

hey yes thanks plenty of close friends and dh is great, just need to be patient I suppose

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mathanxiety · 03/06/2015 18:19

Lincoln, I sense that the idea that you and your DD are close is important to you, but you must not panic about her anger towards you and the cold shoulder you are getting.

Please do not seek reassurance from her in the form of hugs, etc that all is well between the two of you. She has to come to terms with all that has happened in her own time and with professional help. In the meantime, this is going to be a rocky ride for you.

lincolnshirelassy · 03/06/2015 20:06

math I know you're right and I have to back up and accept it for a bit. She's always been able to push my buttons though Wink

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Alvah · 03/06/2015 22:46

lincoln how does DD feel about her boyfriend now? Does she feel he has been inappropriate towards her? (Sorry if this has been explained already) Has she finished the relationship with him or is she still 'in love'?

I have to just mention that 50 Shades had quite an impact on the girls in my DS's age group (13/14). I don't know if the ropes he had purchased was connected to this but it could well be inspired by it. My son was quite perplexed at why 'all' the girls were going crazy about Mr Grey!

I believe it is hugely significant for your daughter whether she at all felt violated? If she did she will in time appreciate the counselling, support etc. If she still feels in love with him and that he's not wronged her, then this will be a very conflicting and stressful situation also, as she'll probably feel torn between you and her b/f...taking her anger out on you and not him, because she feels safe with you.

I wish with all my heart that you and your DD work things out soon. Nothing worse than seeing your DC suffer and not being able to help Sad

BertieBotts · 04/06/2015 00:02

It's going to take a while. Abuse victims often love and feel a very strong sense of protectiveness towards their abusers. She most likely loves him even if she's unhappy with some aspects of his behaviour. As he's had a troubling time the last few years he might have made it clear either overtly or through implication that she really was an escape for him, or she was the only person he felt safe with, etc. Right now she's probably feeling horrible because she's imagining that he's been through all of this stuff and now he's being punished further, and kept apart from her, and she probably feels like it's not really his fault, because of what he's been through or because he's still figuring things out and didn't understand, perhaps because she feels like she had a bit of a hand in things too or encouraged him, and she'll be feeling a bit panicky that others don't understand him like she does, so on top of all of it he's going through it all alone. And at 14 it's so so common to feel as though you know better, feel deeper than all of these adults who are being really harsh and uncaring and they don't understand, they don't take a 14/16 year old's feelings seriously, but they are really serious. Basically, she won't see him as a calculating abuser, she'll see him as a wounded hurting young man who only did what he thought was the right thing and is now being thrown to the wolves. And you can't hope to change her feelings on that, for a really long time. She'll only see his true actions in hindsight, most likely years down the line. What you can hope for sooner is that she realises how trapped and unhappy she felt within the relationship and how much better she feels out of it, though this might be still tinged with guilt, like she feels better off without him but she thinks that he feels broken without her. If he moves on fairly quickly, she'll probably let go of that quicker, because it will be a rude awakening to what she really meant to him. But if he wallows and really seems upset by this (and you can bet she'll be kept up to date about him by her friends etc, even if you don't allow contact) then it will take much longer.

When I was in an abusive relationship the thing that kept me close to my mum throughout it was that she understood that mixture, which in hindsight was because she still had (Still has) an abuse victim mentality too. She never criticised HIM directly, always acknowledged my love for him and really understood how that felt while managing to enunciate how he was hurting me too. She used to give me tips on how to manage it or how to communicate better with him, which I'm now really shocked by, but she thought that she was helping. In fact, she ended up getting sucked into the sympathy thing as well and now far beyond the point where I feel anything for him at all she still has him as a friend on facebook and I think still feels a bit sorry for him. She believes I was right to leave, but she also has sympathy for him as a person and not really understanding why he keeps getting into the same situations.

So long term, not massively helpful. I imagine it's probably a bit early and she's still a bit raw, but I think it will help her a lot if you can communicate to her that you understand that she loves/loved him, the person, if not the actions. And that you're sorry that you had to go over her head and cause both of them pain and anguish but that sometimes as the adult you have to step in. That you don't expect her to understand or forgive you any time soon but perhaps one day she will. And that you will always love her, no matter what happens, which I'm sure you're telling her already. And then don't ever ever be tempted to say "I'm so glad you now see how bad he was for you" until the day that that conversation is totally, 100% instigated by her, because the process of her recovering and getting over the relationship is slow, and back-and-forth, and it's likely that for a long time she'll seesaw between feeling glad and feeling guilty, between missing his good parts and relief at being away. That's so confusing and hard to deal with, and any encouragement of the glad/relieved parts seems to push the others to the surface, as though they are saying "But me! Don't forget about me! What about this!"

You have to wear the bad guy cape for a while, and accept that it is part of loving her. She will appreciate it, but she can't now, because she is hurting. This is where it gets so very hard, but you are doing absolutely the right thing. Please push through, and hold on. She does love you and she will come back. Just as toddlers sometimes hurt themselves through being overwhelmed and we have to take control, which they hate, and stop them from hurting themselves, which they hate more, you are doing SO well by being the unmoving rock here. You take control because she can't, and she will come back. Just like the toddler, it just takes longer. Hang in there! You're a great mum. Flowers

heylilbunny · 04/06/2015 01:02

Bertie although you mean well it is really not the OP's responsibility or role to figure out or analyse the BF. Her only concern should be for the well being and safety of her DD. She has enough on her plate right now, she should not be expected to partially parent or be empathetic to the BF. The BF will have resources to turn to if he wants them.

Let's focus on the OP and her family.

mathanxiety · 04/06/2015 02:13

I think you need to be on the lookout for fallout in the form of character assassination of your DD by the BF and his father and even revenge porn on social media.

Check the BF's FB and any other accounts you are aware they may have, and take a look at FB, etc. of people your DD knows to see if there is any hint of abuse coming from him on those sites.

A great post from Bertie.
I would like to add that the DD possibly felt on cloud nine initially because this older, wounded boy probably told her that he chose her above all the other girls he could have chosen, flattering her and making her feel lucky and special. The realisation that she has been deceived is going to hit her really hard at some point, and she will most feel an acute sense of humiliation.

There is also the possibility that he turned (or alternated) from flattery to telling her nobody else would ever want her and he is the only boy with enough pity for her to pay any attention to her. She may at this point be devastated and looking forward to a bleak future.

This article on Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance may be helpful to you Lincoln. It's several pages long but worth slogging through. You can see how the BF was making your DD choose him or family. The article may provide some insight into where your DD is at the moment, emotionally and mentally.

You may ultimately need relationship therapy for yourself and your DD to get things to where they need to be.

I really urge you to contact Women's Aid and your local Rape Crisis Centre. An abusive/ exploitative sexual relationship is always accompanied by extreme emotional and psychological damage. Your DD is going to need experienced professional help, not just the school counsellor. WA or Rape Crisis may be able to find a therapist for her. Rape Crisis may be helpful themselves.

lincolnshirelassy · 04/06/2015 07:36

All these posts were really helpful thanks. She is still convinced it is love though every so often she does stop for a moment and question his motives. She made a list about aspects of his behaviour that were worrying her a week ago, on knew she had done this but forgot until I found it yesterday, the list mentions a whole range of things such as pressure on her to make him happy happy, worries that he is mirroring his father's behaviour and him 'very discreetly operating guilt' on her. That list has gone to the police as it shows she was having serious concerns about what is going on in the relationship, though at the moment she is still strenuously protecting him.

I spoke to several of her friends yesterday, I am not sure they quite understand how serious it is(and I obviously didn't go into too much detail)but they definitely understood the need to keep her safe, they are lovely girls and it is comforting to know that she has support from them in school.

She currently has no access to phones, computers etc and social media is on lockdown. I appreciate say may try and get a phone from one of her friends but we are doing what we can to prevent this. I have enough of her friends on Facebook to know if she was targeted pretty quickly.

So we just keep marching on it suppose..

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