15 year old going to get herself killed

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

I wasn't going to come back but I see how upset some of you are about this, I wanted to give a little update and I will keep in touch and keep you informed of how things are going. I'm sorry some of uou feel the need to be nasty or disbelieve me altogether, I guess that's what makes these forums so easy to put feelings out on.

DH is off work this week, I was upset about the whole situation last night, DD had gone to her band practice and didn't arrive in until 9pm, when she did get in she didnt want to talk, moaned that what we were watching on the TV was crap and then went to bed.

I spoke to DH about everything and we agree that this cannot go on, I don't want her to leave when she is 16. She has told me she won't be getting a job at 16 because she wants to go to college, one minute she wants to do psycology and the next minute she wants to go to an animal college, my mother has decided that she's just lazy and is only wanting to go to college to get out of working, DH agrees as he got a job as soon as he left school at 15. Our family has always been a "straight into work" family and I have no idea about college, DD says she will need to move out at 16 and live in a student house in order to go to college.

DH has agreed that she needs heating in her room as we dont want to swap DD2 now as she has just got settled, the house is generally warm anyway and DD1 thinks it's freezing cold if she gets slightly chilly walking around in a vest top. We are going to go to B&Q anyway and get her a little heater.

I have told both DH and DD that if they cant talk civil to each other then they shouldn't talk at all. They both agreed, DD adding that she would be happy not to speak to him ever again. DH saying that this means she has to give him back all the CD's she's borrowed, DD going over the top and taking a plug off her stereo to give back to him as it was "borrowed".

I asked DD if there was anything she would like us to do together, she suggested a keep fit class so we're going to look into that for next week.

I asked her if she would agree to getting her shower at 9pm every night, that way she gets as long as she wants and DH is bound to have had his by then, she said that was "pikey as hell" and she couldn't wait until 9pm to get a shower, any suggestions for a compromise with this? DH can't really wait as he comes home stinking of exhaust fumes and this infuriates DD further saying he is making the house stink.

I have to go now but I will be back in an hour or so.

(and yes, by everyone I mainly mean my mother but also DH's parents, FIL called her a bitch a few weeks ago .

It sounds like you are making a good start - things like the keepfit class sound good. Really make sure you follow through with it.

Your DD does not need to leave home at 16 to go to college. It is usual to live at home while studying until 18. However I think you need to support her in her ambitions in the face of the derision from your DH and mother.

Your DH is obviously still behaving very childishly. That CD thing is pathetic. Not wanting her to study because he didn't is pathetic. You still need to make a firmer stand with him.

Drop him!

His parents call her a "bitch"! FFS! I could bloody well shake you up and down you silly woman! Your dh wants his CDs back????? Who is the adult here!

Why does she have to leave home? Because he wants her to? So stuff her education eh? Get her into a crappy little job, then hopefully she'll get with someone and be taken off your hands. Whoopee for you!
If she wants to go to college that's brilliant! Make something of her life! Yet you are forcing her out by telling her that she can't live with you! They don't do accommodation at college, that's University. To go to college she needs somewhere to live you selfish cow! You are her mum, her main carer, it is your duty to provide for her!

Sorry, but this affects me personally as it brings back so many memories and I cannot believe that you could put your dh and his parents over your duties as a mum. You are truly unbelievable!

Sounds like you married a real prize, ATE.

You have no self-esteem. It's no suprise, w/a prize cow of a mother like it sounds you have.

That's why you've allowed your man to bully your child like this. And his family. And why you continue to take no responsibility for the way he treats her.

Your daughter will hopefully NOT go the same way as you b/c she will hopefully be off like a shot at 16.

I know I would!

If she's lucky - or I win EuroMillion - she'll meet people who are able to show her the love, praise and support she never got at home, maybe even get some counselling to help give her confidence and self-esteem so she won't wind up married to some loser like your DH.

It can be done. One of my best friend's had the misfortune of having to live w/a stepmother like your husband after her own mother was unable to care for her.

She joined the Navy as soon as to get hte hell away from that bitch and the git father who let her treat her like that.

She's never spoken to him since.

That was 22 years ago.

Best of lucky to your daughter!

She's going to need it.

I think continuing education after sixteen in some form or other is now almost universally accepted as the best thing to do even if it is concurrent with work like nvqs

She shouldn't need to leave home to go to college and if you as a family are on a low income she can get up tp 30.00 a week ema for staying on in full time education

visit the local college and connexions with her to seee the options

your local college will also have a website

she will keep changing her mind..i am still and i'm nearly 50

arguments about the tv are part and parcel

agreeing not to speak to each other is not going to improve matters, agreeing to respect each other and give each other space is diffeerent

find out how much to change her window to a clear double glazed unit it might not be that much if you go to a local maker..we got a very big kitchen one which dp changed over for a very reasonable price

all teenagers are boshy and fickle

Rhu, she'll NEVER drop him!

He's got a 'bought' house, fgs. And it isn't even council.

People like that stay w/abusers like that b/c they have no self-esteem.

And this thread alone demonstrates how the cycle perpetuates itself.

That's what so upsetting about this thread - you can see exactly the damage emotional abuse causes - and where this girl is headed if she doesn't have the luck of hte gods.

ATE a promising start, although I do think your dh is still being awkward especially around cds and stereo. College doesn't mean moving into a student house and is not an easy option perhaps you could go to connexions or school carers advisor or college open days with her.
If youare a low income family dd would be entitled to EMA funding so she would have some of her own income.
Please do n't listen to everyone else. if my FIL called my dd that we would have nothing more to do with them she is your daughter and she needs you to defend her from these people. I am glad you have posted again and I look forward to hearing your updates

ATE I'm so glad you've come back to this thread. I agree with the others who have said you have made a good start. It does sound like you are having to treat your husband as if he is a child, however, which must be a terrible strain on you and your relationship. His attitude is making my blood boil, but good on you for refusing to go along with it. Good luck!

I never told her she had to move out to go to college, she told me that's how it works, now I know different. If you were not so quick to throw insults maybe you would be able to read the posts properly.

DD1 was talking to an old woman in the street a few weeks ago, this old woman told her that DH's parents had been going around all the local shops (where they know the owners etc) and gossiping about her and telling everyone who would listen all about her. DD1 was furious (rightly so) and phoned DH's mother throwing a load of insults down the phone and calling her a two faced coward, she then challanged DH's mother to come around and tell her exactly what she wanted to say to her or about her. This resulted in DH's father come storming around saying that DD was ruining his sons life and she was a bitch. I told DH that if they carried on the way they were they wouldnt be welcome in this house anymore, my mother cant stand DH's parents at the best of times but after hearing what DD had done she was full of praise for her, she runs hot and cold.

What was your husband's reaction to that ATE?!

btw sounds to me like your dd behaved as any sane person would under those circumstances

the "read the posts properly" comment was directed at Rhubard.

Everyone else, thank you for your support and advice.

I have followed this thread ate, and I really feel for you and your DD with what you have been going through.
so pleased you have managed to talk to her and make a plan for next week to do keep fit together. I didn't notice that she does band practise as well - she does a lot of interesting things, doesn't she?

So in that situation, how on earth can your mother 'decide' that she is lazy????

it is difficult when there is no past experience of anyone going to college in the family, but that is NO excuse for writing her off this way. If she has hopes for doing the kind of work that needs qualifications then she has to study for them.

My suggestion would be to find out a bit more about the colleges in your area, see if they have an open day, when the admission date is, what courses are available. Your dd may be getting confused with university - after age 18 many students do live away from home, but for college between ages 16-18 they nearly all live at home.

And my other suggestion is to start practising saying this:
"Don't talk about my daughter like that. I love her and she is important to me."
And you say this to your mother, your DH, your PIL, and all the rest of the crowd who call her awful names and knock her confidence and 'decide' what she is and what she isn't.
you have made a good start, keep going, good luck!

"going to college to get out of getting a job". these days it is actually quite difficult to get a decent job at 16, gone are the days when you can walk out of school at 16 and get a job and build up to a career. And at 15 I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life either. Nothing wrong with studying psychology, in fact studying psychology might actually bring your dd to the realization that she needs some professional counselling to help her deal with everything she has had to go through in her life.

If she wants to go to study to work with animals, why not tal to your vet and see if you can get her some work experience on weekends to see what veternary work is actually all about. It will give her a much better idea of whether she still wants to work with animals.

She does not have to move out when she is 16. She wants to move out because her home life is so intolerable. Your dh needs to grow up. She is a child, but he is an adult and behaves like a child, is it any wonder she behaves in the way she does when that is the example she is being set at home.

So why are you with this bully then who is making your dd miserable and is ruining relations between mother and daughter?

When you compare how your dd is treated with how his own dd is treated do you not feel at all guilty about allowing this to happen? Do you not think she has a point? She has probably thought of the college option as a desperate bid to move out, maybe she hopes they will provide accommodation for her. I would advise her to call ChildLine who may be able to help her more. I think she is right to want to get out of the house, she is only due for more abuse if she stays put.

ATE - It sounds like you really want to make things better for your daughter but your DH is just controlling things in a frightening way. You need to stand up to him for your daughters sake. If he doesn't like it - tough! You will all be better off without him even if it means living in a crappy council flat - some things are more important than a good house and income.

ATE please find teh strength to defend your daughter - she found something out and instead of be able to talk to you she confronted tehm directly fair play to her. Start looking at the bigger picture it is not just about dd and her (step)grandparents Please try to assess your relationship with dh and his family your dd seems to get blamed for everything that is wrong and a lot of tittle tattle seem sto be going on - get to know her

Oh and I insult because I was once that teenager and your attitude is making my blood boil that some other poor kid is going through what I had to go through - only yours had it worse because she has no older siblings to protect her. I will insult you because I think you deserve it!

I agree with hovely that you should find out about colleges etc and what options are available to her. Is there a careers advisor you could get in touch with?

If she sees an Armed Forces van around, she'll be over there like lightning to dog hair.

Blimey rhubarb, the poor woman is trying to put things right - have a heart!

but perhaps the time for insults is now past and a bit of constructive help and ehtusiasm needs to replace them?

To be honest I think my mother has never really liked me, when I was 18 I moved to Australia to do au pair work and my father told me that my mother didnt cry a single tear. She never came to my wedding as she thought I was making a mistake and I have a feeling she's never liked DD that much either.

She does do alot of things really, more than I ever did. She is teaching herself the guitar and plays in a band. The karate which she has gotten a couple of belts for and her work with animals. She tried to get a kennel hand job for security firms but nobody would take her, safety I suppose. My sister keeps saying she'd do well in the army, DD agreed that the dog handleing part of it sounded interesting. I admit I am very out of touch with her, I just assumed she would leave school and get a factory job or shop work something as thats how things have always been in our family.

what do you do attheedge?

ate, I would be enormously proud if my dd (also 15) were doing the things your dd is doing, especially under these circumstances. Don't buy into the negative viewpoint of your H and his family (or your mother). Your instincts are telling you that they are wrong - you will always regret it if you don't go with your instincts and give your dd the love and support she deserves and needs.

I said it once, I'll say it again. Go to Relate. ALONE as your spouse won't go IIRC from another post.

Or w/your DD.

Two of my closest friends were in the Armed Forces and it was good for them.

They didn't really know what to do when they left school as well, and this gave them some training, some motivation and a grant to use for college when they got out.

They both stayed in for 8 years and by that time, had a lot of experience and maturity to know what they wanted to study in college.

One is a gas fitter and does REALLY well.

The other is a human resources manager and doing great.