Ok, due to time differences I couldn?t post last night. I have had a long read of all the posts and here is what I may have said last night?..LONG!!!
?Could you please tell me what I am doing that is so bad?
You?re letting this happen?.
?Her karate friend is a 15 year old boy who would've been quite safe walking home on his own, I wouldn't mind but she dislikes the kid anyway?
Well, you ever thought that maybe your dd was thinking she would get a lecture or yelled at in the car, so the friend was there as she was hoping your dh wouldn?t ?act up? in front of her friend?
?If we all went to the cinema there would be a row about which film we went to see, she wouldn't sit through a kids film for example and I couldn't expect DD2 to sit through "Saw 3" for example?
So what?s wrong with you taking dd1 to see something, while dh takes dd2 to see something? Meet up afterwards for dinner.
?A few months ago a big heavy metal band was toruing England and her penpal (who lives 200 miles away in Newcastle) had two tickets and asked if she would go, I said she could and then got slagged off by all the family (especially my mother) for being so 'careless' and so ended up saying she couldnt go afterall and she was gutted. It just seems that I mess everything up no matter what I do?
Another big promise you broke, on the say so of others.
?She doesnt make "girl" friends, all her friends are boys for some reason, including the penpal which is why I didnt let her go in the end. Plus knowing her she would've ended up sleeping on the streets?
I think Expat is partly right here, tho I hate to think so. But if she isn?t sleeping with them, I would think she is looking for the male attention she misses from her dad.
?I would spend my last £ to buy her a mazagine she wanted. Now if she decides she doesnt want what we're eating she gets money for a takeaway for herself, she gets money for DVD's, clothes and anything else she wants?
The only thing you haven?t mentioned giving her is your time, that?s priceless.
?I was really upset when DD2 was born..when she was about a year old DD1 asked if she could take her out to the shops or to the park, my mother said she would never trust her with DD2 and I would be mad to let her so I never did and DD1 has been horrible to her ever since?
Maybe she was too young to be trusted by her self with dd2. BUT you listened to your mother (again) without trying to find an alternative. Maybe you could have said ?well dd1 is a bit too young to be going to the park (I know it?s prob bollox, but YOU need to think of ways to spare her feelings), how about you push her around iin the garden while I do some housework? or lets take her to the shops together & you can push her all the way?
?I think she hates me and DH is constaly in the background moaning.
You know what? Maybe she does ?think? she hates you. The hardest thing I ever heard was from my 14 yr old god daughter, she said ?sandcastles, I really hate her (her mum) I really really hate her, I can?t wait to leave home? You know what, she DID really hate her, you could see it , but the same level of emotional neglect. That girl has left home (did in 2005, just turned 17) She is only just starting to speak to her mum, a year on. Breaks my heart that the mum couldn?t see what was happening, didn?t trust her friends enough to listen.
?When me and DD1 have a row she will usually come and apologise and DH then starts on saying "yeah she gets around you with the water works and the "sorry mum (said in a whingy voice)"
So, she is being a bigger person and saying sorry, trying to recify what she has done/said. STILL she gets belittled for it! How dare your dh do this? Making her feel that her apology isn?t worth shit! And of course tries to get around you with tears, she?s a child, that?s what they do!
?We tried the jobs for money but they were never upto DH's standads?
Speaks volumns (sp) she is trying trying trying?.she?s 15, not a lot will be upto an adults standards, but you have to acknowledge the effort!
?She would do the washing up but wouldnt wipe the side down, when he told her to wipe the side down she did but didnt dry it, when he moaned about that she turned around and said "do it yourself" and threw the cloth at him. so that was that one gone?
You know what? You should see my kitchen when I?ve washed up! Bloody water everywhere, and I?m 33! She tried, she did what you asked, but still he finds fault! That would make me throw a cloth at someone too!
?She washed his car for him, came in freezing and then he moaned because it was streaky, its all more hassle than its worth?
So he says ?that?s great, thank you. Saved me a job? Then when she?s out he goes and gets rid of the streaks.
?apart from one time she cleaned the over for no reason at all?
To show you that she can, that she?s willing. ?look what I did for you mum? . So you say ?thank you, I?d been dreading doing that!?
I remember I did the ironing for my mum once. I did as best I could, and I did a bloody good job, I can tell you! She threw all the ironing on her bed, literally tipped it out of the basket, and said ?no, not good enough, now I?ll have to wash it and start again? I kid you not! And she did! Did I ever iron again, yep, I had too, had no choice. But not to her standards, it was just a quick rub over, knowing that it wouldn?t bee good enough. (have you seen earlier in this thread that I left home at 18 and haven?t spoken to her since, I?m 33 now!)
?Something still sticks in my head, about a year ago DH had a crash at work, he came home and cried in the kitchen, he thought he was going to lose his job. DD1 came in, took one look at him and asked if he was ok, telling him it wasnt his fault and that he would be ok?
She was trying to show you that she understands he has feelings, she saw he was vulnerable and responded how you should. She has proved herself here, while he takes the mick out of her crying, she has sympathy for him & his feelings.
You doubt her intentions at every turn, you/your dh pick faults when she tries to help. She saying to you ?look, I will do it, I can do it? when what she is hoping you will do is say ?thank you? give her a hug, say ?well done?. Every time we try & post something helpful, or try & help you see the good in her, you come back with something that you hope will have us all saying ?poor you? etc.
I can?t find the part where your dh said she could leave at 16. My mums 3rd dh told me when I left the house at 18, that I was no longer part of HIS family (did he not realise that it was my family, HE had walked into?). Ok, fine that hurt, but you know what hurt more? Mum let him say it, and agreed with him! That hurt more than his excluding me, why do you think that was?
How is she expected to know that you love her, when I can see little evidence of it on here?