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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old going to get herself killed

281 replies

attheedge · 23/10/2006 19:45

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 14:29

but do you not have ambition for your dd? do we not all aspire for our children to do better than we do? so your family might all have had factory jobs but surely she is worth better than that.

please try and see the good in her. she plays in a band, she goes to corati, that is so so so much more than so many children her age do. at least she's not hanging about supermarket carparks or in kids parks doing drugs every night - she's actually doing something constructive and yet no-one gives her any recognission for it.

gothicmama · 25/10/2006 14:30

ATE - you are making progress - now remember how much you love dd and how you want her to feel differently about you.
In this day and age getting a job form school is not easy and with prospects harder. Let her decide what she wants to do ( don't consider armed forces as it looks loke youare all trying to get rid of her) college is good just different to th usuual in your family but so what .

expatinscotland · 25/10/2006 14:31

Print her this thread. Tell her how proud people, even random strangers, are of her. What a brave young lady she is for having gone through a lot at her age and coped pretty well.

She needs to know and hear this.

Often.

wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 14:32

and also print off a copy for your h and your family. they also need to know what random strangers think.

Original poster
attheedge · 25/10/2006 14:33

I don't work.

One thing sticks in my mind from years ago, when DD was about 9 she joined a ju-jitsu club, she had been going for a few weeks when she asked for a uniform, I couldn't afford to get her one as I was sturggling on income support. My mother got her one from a charity shop, it fit ok but it was black, the rest of the club was in white. She wore it for a few weeks and then said people were laughing at her and she needed a white one, my sister said "fancy sending her like that!" so it seems that all the stuff she always wanted to do I couldnt afford like the horseriding. That is why now we have a comfortable income and comfortable home I am disapointed that I still dont seem able to give her what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
attheedge · 25/10/2006 14:36

She does hand around parks getting drunk and everything though, she seems to do the best of both worlds! model teen one minute going to her voluntary work and then "difficult teen" the next hanging around shops getting people to buy alcohol for her and drinking in kids parks. We hardly ever see her but when she's out she goes from one extreme to another.

OP posts:
fairyjay · 25/10/2006 14:37

But that just proves that it's not 'things' that make happiness - it's people.

zippitippitoes · 25/10/2006 14:38

as children get older they change and they don't get easier, they hav ehteir own ideas and they need those for when they eventually become independent (about 40)

build on these first steps but also get yourself some help

do you have any nice friends to support you?

nappiesLaGore · 25/10/2006 14:39

rhubarb - i understand completely the way you feel. you have every right to feel so upset by this. But... insulting this woman is not likely to help to change things for the better for this girl. and its the girl who is most important right now.

gothicmama · 25/10/2006 14:39

OK that is all material stuff, if you stooped adn thought about it her going in a different uniform would have openned her up to teasing, but now you have a chance to find out what she wants and support her.
Keep fit classes are astart
find out what she likes and enjoys (she is a credit to herslf for doing all teh activities and learning)

Remember it is not what you buy or how much tehy cost but love attention and listenning to her taht count far more -
I would also suggest you look at why material processions are so important to you, is it about making you feel better or does it give you status or ???

wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 14:39

but it's not about money, it's about love, attention, recognission, equality. She gets none of those. You do give her money to buy alcohol/drugs/go to sleep on the streets/for takeaways, so she does get the money and clearly it's not enough. If you gave her the choice, lots of money, or to be a part of a family, what do you think she would choose? because she's certainly not a part of your family atm.

zippitippitoes · 25/10/2006 14:40

you arelucky she does the "nice" things too, my middle dd tended toward the no interests hanging round top park with no redeeming features!

wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 14:41

and how would your dh feel if someone treated his dd like he treats yours.

wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 14:42

where do you live btw

hovely · 25/10/2006 14:45

here is a website for young people about further learning (and other subjects)
further education

and another one for finding a college close to you:here
(you type in your postcode and select 'further education' from the drop-down list, or try some of the other options)

nappiesLaGore · 25/10/2006 14:46

i agree with printing off the thread. for your DD as well as for the memebers of your extended family who seem to be so corrosive in their approach. maybe they dont quite realise what total gits they are being? sometimes it takes seeing things from a strangers Point of view...

nappiesLaGore · 25/10/2006 14:48

and yes, she does the hanging round being a teenager stuff too... she is a human being and a remarkably well rounded one giver her age and the level of support she has received.

FWIW - i think you cant possibly have done that bad of a job of being her mother over the last 15 years if she is such a productive, motivated, sensitive, intelligent girl. which she seems to be.

nappiesLaGore · 25/10/2006 14:52

and i respect you for having the courage to accept that you have been wrong and to stay and face criticism here, and most of all, to try to make changes.

it is absolutely critical that you continue to try with her, as you well know im sure (and dont need me to patronisingly point out either)

agh! its hard to 'see' this situation from here and not get frustrated at how powerless i, we (MNers) are to do anything... the ball is entirely in your court.

Original poster
attheedge · 25/10/2006 14:52

I don't have any friends to be honest, I don't go out to make them.

Before DD2 was born DH's parents were ok with DD1, we would go swimming with DH's mother and to keep fit classes, everyone was friends. I remember an old woman came upto me once and said "god help your eldest when that baby is born" and she swam off, I know what she means now, they changed as soon as she was born, DD1 got into some trouble and that was all the excuses they needed.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 25/10/2006 14:52

"She does do alot of things really, more than I ever did. She is teaching herself the guitar and plays in a band. The karate which she has gotten a couple of belts for and her work with animals. She tried to get a kennel hand job for security firms but nobody would take her, safety I suppose. My sister keeps saying she'd do well in the army, DD agreed that the dog handleing part of it sounded interesting. I admit I am very out of touch with her, I just assumed she would leave school and get a factory job or shop work something as thats how things have always been in our family."

she sounds like a lovely girl.
Quite clearly she is crying out for attention, hence the disappearing acts and the drugs.

Your husband though, sorry to say sounds like an arsehole- moaning about how clean his car his anal attitude towards wiping down the draining board are signs of a controlling man. Would he, in the future make your dd2 walk through a rough area alone at night? hmm doubt it.

and in all seriousness, if any man- be it step father or biological father told my child that unless they got a job within two weeks of leaving school they would be out on the streets- I would literaaly throw him into the street before he finished his sentence.
How dare he deny her a chance to do something with her life, all her problems are manageable if you grow a backbone and stop allowing your DH and various other members of your family bullying her.

wish I had a spare bloody room, she could come and live with us.

lulumama · 25/10/2006 14:53

well, i'm glad you have come back, ATE, especially as i thought, wrongly it would seem, you didn;t want to start facing things...well done....

re your comments about your own mum

it seems, despite everything, you are repeating the cycle with your own daughter..BUT ..hopefully, will now have the strength to break it...you'll get some sterling advice here....

nappiesLaGore · 25/10/2006 14:56

agree tiredmama. think i was a total pile of shit to live with as a 15 year old, compared! and i like to think of myself as quite nice now

zippitippitoes · 25/10/2006 14:58

and the drugs and the drinking if you look through threads on mn then you will find awfull lot of posters were both doing this stuff and going to school and passing exams themselves

maybe you could find yourself an interest outside the home too? ask your dd for suggestions, get her to show you how to play a few chords on the guitar?

nappiesLaGore · 25/10/2006 15:05

you know, it strikes me that you seem pretty eloquent and intelligent yourself - 2 things which are in your favour if trying to reach out to the world and break your own isolation.

good idea to ask dd for any tips on activities you may enjoy. if you do something toegether even, you may find that an enormously helpful way to build bonds and mend wounds.

wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 15:05

attheedge you say you never go out, why is this? Does your h prevent you from going out? after all, he is this controlling of the way your dd is treated - does he take issue with you as well?

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