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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old going to get herself killed

281 replies

attheedge · 23/10/2006 19:45

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

My 15 year old is driving us all mad, she is rude, ignorant, bitchy and just horrible to live with. She has just been suspended from school and they are now deciding whether to permanently exclude her. Apparantly she was trespassing on the nearby university, something she and her friends do often and have been repeatedly warned about, this time however she was attacked by a German Shepherd guard dog. The dog?s handler said that she was throwing stones at it and that?s how it came so out of control and broke free from him, her and her friends have said that as soon as he saw them he shouted at them to get off the uni property, they shouted something back and he threw the dog?s lead to the floor allowing it to attack my DD biting her arm and wrecking her school bag. The security firm made a complaint to the school and the school believe their version of events over the kids. Personally I could not imagine my DD throwing stones at a dog, she is mad on animals and does voluntary work for the RSPCA!

Aside from this she is constantly in trouble at school, she is cheeky to the teachers, walks out of lessons, drew Nazi signs all over her German work and the final straw came when she caught someone stealing from her bag, she informed the school (apparently!) and they did nothing so she took herself down to the local police station and made a formal complaint, this resulted in the police turning up at the school and the teachers becoming livid.

She is constantly putting herself in danger, just a few months ago she told me she was staying at a friends house all night, turns out her friend had said the same to her mum and they had decided to ?live rough? for the night on the streets to ?see what it was like?. She did the same thing a few weeks ago only this time she travelled to a completely different city 200 miles away via train and told her accompanying friend that they had somewhere to stay when they got there?.obviously they didn?t and ended up on the streets again all night, she loved it, her friend was mortified as was his mother.

I now know she is smoking cannabis and taking speed, she is going out drinking 3-4 times a week coming in drunk early hours of the morning, trying to get her friends (and sometimes trick them) into doing stupid, dangerous things? what is wrong with her??

She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago and in that time I have re-married and had a baby, I know this is a lot for any teen/child to deal with but I?m worried about what will happen to her.

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 09:31

I had wondered about it being a wind-up too expat, esp after the post from the one who said "wait till she's 16 then kick her out and she'll be off your hands" or words to that effect, a post clearly posted to rile other posters.

but I also do think that this senario is not uncommon, and therefore it could be true.

if it is not a wind-up, then would it be possible for mnhq to trace this poster and take the matter further, as, if this is for real, then IMO social services should be involved.

wannaBe1974 · 25/10/2006 09:33

because even if this girl is 15 and ss potentially might not be able to do anything with regard to her, there is a 3 year old child in the equasion who, although currently the favourite, is at risk of similar such treatment in the future.

Rhubarb · 25/10/2006 09:36

I don't think MNHQ would do that tbh. There is not enough evidence that this is going on.

It is emotional abuse I just hope that everyone's reactions on here have opened this mums eyes. It sounds as though she has been listening to everyone else and has shut her eyes to what is really going on. At least by posting on here she is taking a step towards her daughter.

I hope she has the courage to make changes, although I doubt very much that she is that strong. She'll probably never come back to Mumsnet and let others change her mind again.

ghosty · 25/10/2006 09:39

Don't know what else to say ....

munz · 25/10/2006 09:48

I missed the post last night about her bedroom - myt god is it anywonder your DD is the way she is my god at this thread.

how would u feel if u were put into a room like that?? how would u feel if u were pushed out for the new addition your 'H' is nothing more than a low life bully - and tbh I think he's bullying you as well - why don't u stand up to him?? he is the adult FFS, you are the mother here - FFS put heating it - add onto the bloody morgage how much is heating for one bloody room?? - couple of hundred - hell if I had the space/room she could come stay with me . failing that electric heaters are not v much - al;thou I guess then your DH would bitch about the cost of the electric - u seriously need to have a word with him.

i'm sorry here a lot of u will say i'm out of order for this post but I don't care - get some perspective. seriously how hard is it to actually take the time to bother with her - she's not a loast cause. and I'll tell u something now if my DH went for my son (his OWN) son like your so called 'man' of a husband did with your poor DD by god i'd have left him on the spot and not to mention wacked him myself - no one has the right to hit Your child/be violent towards your child .

sad thing is this poor girl doesn't and won't stand a chance until your H realises he's being a total git to her and his behaviour is unacceptable - maybe if u all give her a break she might well behave better. failing that send her to live with your sister, give your sister food money directly for the week for DD - £50 or whatever and leave her be.

going to have to leave this thread now cos that whole bedroom/bathroom thing has really pissed me off - you shouldn't expect a 15 year old, nigh any person to sleep in a room which is prob damp, but freezing cold none the less in the winter - and it's only gonna get colder. no wonder she feels pushed out and hates your other daughter.

munz · 25/10/2006 09:50

alos will ask a Q which was posted on the other thread - would u allow your 'h' to treat your DD2 in this mannor - I think not, so it's not on he should treat DD1 like this - he knew when he married u she came with the package he accepted that and now he doesn't??

Callisto · 25/10/2006 09:53

I too am deeply upset and angry about this situation. I just want to add that your daughter can come and stay with me if she wants. Not much room here but there would be plenty of warmth, patience and compassion which she seems to lack at home.

Mumpbump · 25/10/2006 10:26

I'd be interested in knowing how dh behaves towards you. Also, have you asked him how he would feel if you split up and there was a 4th dh who acted this way towards your dd2?

badkarma · 25/10/2006 10:41

I doubt if she'll be back though. she knows what she is doing is wrong. But she'll fail to change her ways.. she wants her cosy little life.. her, dd2 and dh.. dd1 can just "get on with things til shes 16"

Never has a thread on mn made me so angry
And never have I saw a show of such spectacular weakness from someone who carried and birthed a child only to let some worthless bully of an arsehole treat it like pure shit!

justaphase · 25/10/2006 11:16

I may be wrong but my guess is that attheedge is a victim in her relationship with her husband too.
I think she is being abused if not physically than at least emotionally.
I hurt for the poor child much more because she had no choise in all this.
But I do think that attheedge is being abused and she knows it. This is why she keeps coming up with more and more horendous examples of how her dd is being abused. There is something mazochistic about the whole thing, she just keeps feeding the frenzy. She never said a word to defend her husband in this, she is on her dd's side but she can not get out of the relationship.

badkarma · 25/10/2006 11:31

Can not, or will not?

munz · 25/10/2006 11:33

will not if u ask me.

justaphase · 25/10/2006 11:39

Hmmm, I have never been in an abusive relationship but as far as I have heard it is not easy to walk out.

Freckle · 25/10/2006 11:41

I'm not sure that it's she can't get out of the relationship; more a question that this is her third marriage and her pride seems more important that her daughter's wellbeing. She doesn't want to admit that a third marriage has gone down the pan.

Freckle · 25/10/2006 11:41

I'm not sure that it's she can't get out of the relationship; more a question that this is her third marriage and her pride seems more important than her daughter's wellbeing. She doesn't want to admit that a third marriage has gone down the pan.

Tortington · 25/10/2006 11:48

i think this thread has got slightly hysterical.

come back attheedge.

read your last post. and you say "everyone" a lot.

everyone tells me shes bad
everyone tells me i havent done a good job.

can i ask? by everyone do you mean your mother?

youhave come through great adversity - of that you should be proud.

but it really doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that a bedroom should have someheating - and if you can afford the extension - you can afford a radiator.

your dh backed up by you - are excluding your daughter.

its just about time you included her in your family.

come back and tell us a nice thing you did together today.

zippitippitoes · 25/10/2006 11:51

attheedge if you work on cracking this one then you will feel such a lot better about yourself..it can be done

it is depressing and if you are depressed then everything seems impossible and everything does seem too difficult but you have to work at it

and yes do as custy says come back and tell us

AlfredAitchcock · 25/10/2006 12:58

oh i don't know... having slept on this and worried about it all morning i'm now wondering if this is for real. no heating in the bedroom all winter - they couldn't just get a wee electric radiator for the child? hmmmm. i do hope that you are making this up, attheedge, because if it's true then it's horrific. if it is true, attheedge, take heed of custy.

zippitippitoes · 25/10/2006 13:02

none of it sounds particularly odd to me..in fact a lot sounds very normal if dysfunctional..

actually the radiator in my dds room isn't working but she is ,mostly away at uni so the impetus to fix it is a bit lacking

Raggydoll · 25/10/2006 13:16

ote = what is your dh like with you... does he put you down, belittle you, hit you? Or is it just dd1 that he can not be civil to??

nappiesLaGore · 25/10/2006 13:18

afraid i dont have time to read whole thread but wanted to add my voice to that of harpsichordcarrion and Custy. agree with every bluntly put word in Custys post of: Tuesday, 24 October, 2006 2:41:10 PM

also: i think your daughter sounds intelligent, ambitious, gutsy, confident and generally bloody impressive as 15 year olds go. it would be an absolute trajedy for you to lose your relationship with her because you cant see the wood for the trees. from your early posts (i havnt read any more, so sorry) i want her to come and live with me! i think shed be a fabulous influence on young children.

shes young and a bit lost and she needs YOUR love and attention, fast, before she makes mistakes which have lasting ramifications...

i know you have a lot on your plate, but this is ever so important and ever so urgent. PLEASE do whatever it takes to let her know that you will always love her, support her, and put her first.

x

Rhubarb · 25/10/2006 13:19

We've no heating. That's not the point, it's not Dickensian as one poster said! My kids have no heater at all in their room, but we do have little portable heaters that we can cart around.

The point here is that this girl is being pushed out. The favourite one is her little sister, this girl is just an inconvenience and the husband would rather she wasn't there at all. He is doing what my stepfather did, making home life for her as wretched as possible in that hope that she'll leave soon.

She has no love at home so she turns to drink and drugs in a bid to forget and feel close to something.

I fear for her future, but there is not a damn thing we can do about it sadly. The OP will not be back I'm sure.

lulumama · 25/10/2006 13:20

I would be amazed if the OP actually comes back to this...not because of anything anyone has said, but because she is going to have to face things she doesn't want to....... so many mnetters have been so upset by this ....

zippitippitoes · 25/10/2006 13:21

agree with rhubarb but i hope the poster does come back, she posted this thread after all and she has been pretty honest about the situation

nappiesLaGore · 25/10/2006 13:28

oh jesus, i hope she comes back. and i hope beyond hope that she does face this and make some serious changes. like you say, she has been pretty honest about it, so i hold a glimmer of hope that she may do something...

so and about this. wish i could take her under my wing and give her the home she deserves.

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