16 year old and money towards keep

[Faithope]

Hi, so DS has a well paid job for his age-he has a salary of £10,244 a year and last month took home £950. We ask for £300 a month, I do everything for him as in washing his clothes, ironing and putting away and cook his food.
Now my issue is, he has an issue with how much we ask of him to pay. I have broken it down and shown him our outgoings each month and his £300 hardly scratches the surface of what we pay out. I have explained to him that when I was 16 (20 years ago) that I had to pay my mum £250 a month and didn't earn near as much as he does. That's the reason he needs to pay towards his keep is because he is now classed as a working adult and if he was out in the real world, he wouldn't have a penny left after paying rent, bills, food, mobile etc.
He has no idea how to handle money-last month he spent his entire wages in 7 days (all I have seen is a pair of trainers, he got his ear pierced and bought a hoodie) and had not even bought his nan a birthday present. He then asked us to pay his bus fares to work 3x!! I did but told him it was a loan and that he needs to manage his money better next month.
He's been working for 4 months now and each month is the same.
How else can I explain to him that money has to last the month?

I'm surprised so many are against board full stop. Like I said I think it's a bit much but I guess it's each to their own. However OP I would be seriously concerned about him dropping £150 in two days with nothing to show for it. You said he smokes, are we talking cigarettes or a bit of weed? Both?

You shouldn't be opening his bank statements though. Once he's paid the money to you the rest is his to do as he wishes. I think it's a good idea to suggest he saves but ultimately you can't force it. The only sticking point I have is the bus fare. I understand you want him to get a bus pass and indeed suggested getting it out of the board but where I live you pay for unlimited travel for a week/month but it would be throwing money down a drain if I were only getting 2 buses a week. I would need to get 10 for it to be worth it.

I think he also needs to take more responsibility in the house. Personally I would prioritise this as it seems like you want him to be financially responsible as an adult but still baby him (this isn't an insult) in other ways. If you want to treat him like and adult by charging him board at quite a high rate (IMHO) then do so but don't then go through his private mail and tell him he had to pitch in with some housework. But then I would also say that you then have no right to know how/when he spends the wages he earns unless he is forthcoming with it. Ultimately I believe you need to pick a path and stick with it, this criss crossing is going to cause problems.

I don't think a parent should charge a child board unless your really struggling money wise.

My mother never charged me and Id never charged my kid.

Let him be to do as he wishes with his money, he still very young.

Salene, where would you draw the line though. 18? 25? 30?

I think yanbu to charge 300 contribution towards his keep, that's way less than he would pay if he was living independently so you are helping to ease his transition into independent adulthood whilst still supporting him significantly. He should also have some household responsibilities, perhaps sorting out the bins and recycling each week?

Letting him fritter away all his money with no spending on life's essentials would be doing him a massive disservice and setting him up for failure later.

lynette so could my 15 yr old!

Yes I know he gets paid very well for an apprenticeship :) He doesn't pay tax or into a pension-he did but they stopped it as he is under age and paid him back over £138 this month. His usual wage is £850. I was a TA and earnt less than he does.

I only opened one bank statement and didn't like doing it but just needed to see what he had spent as all his wages went in one week. It was to check it was above board. He told me he had ordered a christmas present online and could I take it in when it came, not to shake it as it was breakable. Well it arrived and I thought how sweet. Turned out from the bank statement he had bought an E-cig set up pack!! For himself! I know teens lie. Its part and parcel of growing up.

Here is a link to renting in Oxford, you may be shocked (or not if you live in London) at how much is asked.. www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/oxford

And yes we have been saving for our son since he was a week old!!

to add-I was also on my own for a good few years and was on benefits for part of that time and I still managed from my income support to put £5 a month in his savings. Once working it was easier to save for him.

The e cig kit is a good sign, sounds like he's trying to quit smoking. Shame he felt the need to lie about it though. How is your relationship in general? It's sounds like there is a few issues that may need to be addressed.

Or on second thought and thinking of my own 16 year old self it may be a way to flout your no smoking in the house rule. The is no smell from ecigs so you wouldn't know...

There's a whole lot of difference between renting a room to a stranger and charging your son to live in his family home

Perhaps he lied re the parcel to stop you opening his post.

Salene, we don't plan to charge DS either. This will always be his home. We chose it, we chose where to food shop or who to buy electric from. When he gets to make those choices as an adult he'll learn to pay for them. He will still now how to budget without me taking a profit from him.

Are his friends taking advantage? I wonder what the hell he is spending it on - hard to drink through that much money. I'd try and talk to him about that.

Honestlie-Yes thats what I thought, that he has bought it to smoke when he is at home.

He stays at this friends house alot just lately. He has already said he buys food for them and cooks at their flat. I am wondering what else he pays for when he is there. As he smokes, the weed thing has crossed my mind.

He doesn't know about the bank statement and of course I wouldn't open any of his parcels. He has one coming tomorrow and I have no intention of opening it. He is entitled to his privacy I understand that (that's why his room is his room and why theres millions of clothes on the floor, an overflowing bin, and an unmade bed) O and I haven't been snooping, his room door is always ajar as he lets the cats roam in and out to sleep on his bed.

I think at 16 he is in transition from school boy to independent adult but as a parent you need to also transition from parent of him as a child to parent of him as an adult.

I asked my DCs (all mid/late teenagers) what he could be spending his money on. Their thoughts:

• is he lending/giving money to mates?
• is he spending a lot of money on on-line gaming? Buying mods etc
• is he being careless buying say a jacket then losing it within a couple of days.

I totally disagree with posters saying that he should be allowed to fritter the money all away if he wants to as he is only young. Now is when patterns of behaviour become entrenched. Bad spending habits at this age would be a lot to have to change when he is older and cant afford to fritter.

How well off is he compared to his friends? Is he being seen as the group bank? Is he running with a wealthy pack who have even more money than him?

Try and get him to sit down and talk about this. In the car is always a good place as you dont need to make eye contact. Keep it calm and not accusatory. Just get him to talk.

I assume the OP's son has chosen apprenticeship instead of a-levels of his own free will. He is choosing to step into a more adult role, unlike his peers still at school he has the perks and prestige of a pay check. Part of this choice should be having a few adult expenses. It's all part of the package in my opinion.

As for looking at his bank statements? Damn straight! I'd make my girls sit down with me once a month to go through their bank statements chat about their budget, financial goals etc. I would not leave it to them to manage it on their own at 16. Is regard this financial guidance as part of parenting. By the time he is 18 or 21 or whenever he flies the nest, he should be confident and competent. He doesn't sound like a bad kid at all, just typical. And therefore needing a close eye and lots of guidance.

It was DS choice what he wanted to do when he finished year 11. He went to 6th form in the summer holidays to do taster sessions. As it turned out his GCSE's would have meant they wouldn't have him anyway. He also applied for two jobs, a college course and 3 apprenticeships and heard back from ALL of them wanting to take him on. Ho chose to do the apprentiship :) In answer to your questions (thanks by the way)
His mates all go to 6th form or college-he is the only one working full time, some of his mates have a part time job.
He buys mods for his xbox games but as he used my email to set up his xbox account 2 years ago-I see what he purchases and we are talking £1.39 here and there, nothing major. Any games he has, have been presents.
As for the clothes-he will but a new jacket, wear it once and it lands up on the floor. He has a winter jacket that he bought for work and hasn't worn it. but that is up to him as it was his money he bought these items with.
We don't have a car so talking in one isn't an option ;)

Op - you do what you are happy with.

Personally I am shocked that some people would never charge their children. Out of curiosity I am wondering do these people also pay for such things as their adult children to go on family holidays.

I get what you say about the car so IME you could do with some other scenario where you can sit without making eye contact.

Some other thoughts my DCs had:

• £300 probably sounded to him like a huge amount of money when he is used to spending in dribs and drabs even if he is spending lots of dribs and drabs.

• you dont want to but you probably do need to go through a budget for housekeeping. How many meals is your DS actually home for? Agree a number, explain what they cost and then that gives a cost per meal. He agrees up front for the coming month and if he then goes elsewhere well that is his lookout. Everything else (toiletries, bus, haircuts) he buys himself.

• you mentioned (IIRC) that your DS is a fitness fanatic. Is there any danger that he has got into supplements (legitimate or otherwise)? Protein powders can cost an absolute fortune.

He is only 16 so still has lots to learn but also time still to learn it.

I do have sympathy. My DCs are all teenagers with oldest at uni and still dependent on Bank of Mum & Dad. Middle DC is hoping to join the army as a junior soldier in September so we have started talking to him about finances.

A while ago I listened to a woman on the radio who was part of an apprentice mentoring program for a football club. She said that one of the things the footballers had to learn was managing being wealthier than they had ever been before and also being wealthier than many of their friends.

gnomedeplume-He has mentioned protein shakes and the gym, neither have come to anything and he's 6ft 22 naturally slim. His job can be active as he goes out and about. He also does cadets and used to like playing basketball.

I am trying to plan a family holiday-he was all for it and kept on about it and I explained with christmas coming( weeks ago) and that we usualy wait until new year to book. Yet on asking him the other day he said he will think about it? I even offered to let a friend come along as I am sure the idea of holidaying with mum,dad, baby brother and the new baby must sound like boredom ville for him. He said no its ok.. I hope he will come :) time will tell, it's not like he won't have any spending money will it ;)

6ft 2" not 6ft 22 lol

Well...I don't get it whatsoever,what is wrong with charging rent to a teen who is working??? They have to learn the value of money and nothing comes free....whether its a family home or not...that surely makes no difference...He could leave home and rent a room which would cost a LOT more.I would put half the £300 into a savings account for the day he decides to move out as a deposit etc. My goodness...I paid rent to my parents when I started work at 16y....done me no harm..my older children paid rent also....they just accepted it....£600 free money each money...he must feel rich?? You're doing the right thing OP!!!!!!

each month!!!!

:) Thank you smileyforest :)

My actual question was asking for help about how to help DS manage his finances, not what others think I am asking for is too much. I have fought back because I find it hard to understand why some find it OK to let a teenager who is working, not pay their way? I am doing what I think is right for DS and what is morally right. If I was on here encouraging DS to sign on and let him be lazy then I would understand the onslaught. I am bringing DS up how I was. I came out of it very well as I know nothing in life is for free and I appreciated my mum for it, even if she couldn't manage to follow her own rule

ChillySunday I am one that would never charge my kids for board unless I was truly in need. You ask about what we pay for and where we draw the line.

First of all DS is an apprentice and also gets the opportunity to work overtime and make extra money which he jumps at the chance of.

I do not take board off him. My point of view is that I can afford for us to continue as before he was working. In fact I am better off as I don't have to buy clothes, haircuts etc.
I am not giving him pocket money any more ( previously £20 a week) also i am not paying for his sport which we funded throughout high school and has expensive fees and equipment. I mentioned in a previous post that DS is a saver but he also is paying a lot of money each week to get a comprehensive kit together so that he is fully kitted with his own equipment for when his apprenticeship ends. He has also started paying into a pension.
He puts money into long term and instant savings.
We paid for a car for him (£5,000) but he is paying his own insurance (£6,000!! - we have a shit post code address for car insurance and young drivers)
On a weekly basis DS will pick up some groceries for us when we need to and he doesn't get payment.
When we go on holiday he pays for his share. However we are going on a big holiday in the summer that is going to cost around £3,500pp. We have asked for DS to pay £600 towards it. When we go away Ds usually pays for a meal of all of us on the first and last day.

When we go to the cinema sometimes DS picks up the tab,sometimes we pay for him and his gf. Same at the bar or going to gigs or the theatre - sometimes DS pays for us all and sometimes we treat him.
DS and I are going skiing in the beginning of Feb. he is paying for his flight and ski stuff and lift passes. I'll pay for everything else including car hire.

We have been out tonight and DS without a word picked up the bar tab for all four of us.
Sometimes if he is a bit cash short we will slip him tenner, a fifty, whatever but he always offers it back within a day. Sometimes we take it sometime we waiver it. If he didn't come with it though it would be a different issue. I would be mad then. However this has never happened.

Some people may disagree with how we do things but both DH and I are happy with this.
Any way one child down, one to go!

YANBU he needs to learn that life costs!!!

I'm not sure what else you can do for him to learn the value of money apart from him suffering the consequences of his actions. Like having to walk to work as he's no money for the bus...