Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you allow teenagers to have sex under your own roof?

84 replies

Tappergirl · 23/06/2014 16:46

I have 2 step children who live with us, girl of 18 and boy of 16. This is however not a step parenting issue. I work close to home and often pop home at lunchtime. SD had said she was going out with BF today (she has finished college now), but clearly they were up in her room when I went home at 1pm. The house was quiet so I though I was alone until I heard movement upstairs in her room, and a "foreign" pair of shoes downstairs.

Is it just me or does anybody else feel uncomfortable about teenagers having sex in your own home, whether they are bio or step children?

I know both of them are old enough (SS has a girlfriend who comes to visit occasionally) but I don't really agree with it happening, especially when husband and I are not there. Am I being a prude?

OP posts:
MissMilbanke · 23/06/2014 16:51

Well yes you are being a bit if a prude but I totally get that feeling too Grin

Do you not remember being 17 ?

Would you rather them somewhere else ?

Mitzi50 · 23/06/2014 19:18

I think it depends on whether the relationship is long standing. I would not want either of my children bringing a succession of different partners home.

littlegreenlight1 · 23/06/2014 19:18

urgh. thats all I have to say. Nearly 17 year old clearly has done it at our house.... found empty condom wrapper in the rubbish.

morethanpotatoprints · 23/06/2014 19:21

Hell no.
My ds1 is 22 and has been with his gf for 4 years, they have only just started sharing a bed at home. I didn't want to give dd aged 10 the wrong message.
Of course I know they have a sex life, but not under my roof until now Grin

littlegreenlight1 · 23/06/2014 19:31

How did you stop them when you were not in the house?!
DD has left school so is unsupervised from 8-4.... actually that is a whole other thread I think.....

nomoretether · 23/06/2014 19:33

I would. Rather they were safe at home in my house than in a park or god knows where! If they're going to do it, they're going to do it.

SirChenjin · 23/06/2014 19:38

I don't allow it as such - although I know they do (I even provide him with condoms from work!). However, the rules are that they don't when there is anyone else in the house - or at least, not that we would know about it. This is his first girlfriend, they are both almost 17, and he has asked if she can stay over - but we've said no, as have her parents. DC3 is only just 7, and I don't want a string of GFs starting to appear in the morning when he's so little.

Fairylea · 23/06/2014 19:42

I think if they are 18 and paying rent then it's reasonable that they should be allowed to bring a boyfriend or girlfriend back as long as they've been introduced to the family first and they are both discreet about it (no shouting from the rooftops).

Between 16-17 I'd say no. I think they're still a child under my roof at that age and emotionally still very young really. That last year between 16-17 makes quite a difference.

Hulababy · 23/06/2014 19:46

DD is only 12y so it is while off for us.

But I would say that if you are not in, and they are discrete about it and it is a regular partner rather than lots of one offs, then it's fine. Well, maybe fine isn't the right word, but I would turn a blind eye.

But when I was in - no.

Original poster
Tappergirl · 23/06/2014 19:47

Rent? Hell no! I need to dash out but will reply properly later on.

OP posts:
STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 23/06/2014 19:51

"Under your own roof" - you mean in your house? That phrase is an old fashioned one, suggets you are approaching the issue with an old fashioned attitude.

An 18 year old woman having sex in her own bed while no-one else was at home? Why would anyone have a problem with that?

morethanpotatoprints · 23/06/2014 21:01

I am approaching it with an old fashioned attitude, because I'm old fashioned.
There is usually somebody in the house and when there isn't ds1 is at his gf parents house, where they mostly live.
I didn't want my dd seeing them appear together in the morning as if man and wife/ long term partners when they weren't.
Now it is different and we/they consider themselves almost married/ ltr.
As I said they've been together for 4 years, I'm not stupid, I know they have a sexual relationship.

littlegreenlight1 · 23/06/2014 21:04

I really like the above appraoch and that is what I will be telling my dd next time she asks to have him over night (its been a no so far just "because").

LaurieFairyCake · 23/06/2014 21:04

Not under 18. Not very recent relationships, no one night stands.

morethanpotatoprints · 23/06/2014 21:18

I must add though, we are open about sex and we had the chat with all our dc when they were young. We taught them about stds and safe sex and knew straight away when they were sexually active as they told us in their own way.
Our values are very old fashioned but I think fair and neither ds1 or 2 would feel right with their younger sister being in the house anyway.
They are worse than me and have openly admitted they will give any man a hard time if they expect to stay over when dd is older Grin

Cardinal · 24/06/2014 03:26

16+ in long term relationship yes. One night stands and casual partners on a drunken night out? Never.

AdoraBell · 24/06/2014 03:42

Mine are not yet teens, but I think I will be okay with then having sex, as long as it's a proper relationship as Mitzi said.

In my head it's not an issue, I suppose time will tell.

I have an adult step son who I am sure has had sex in our house, just descreetly.

Original poster
Tappergirl · 24/06/2014 07:15

I thnk that for me, its not a case of being old fashioned, but instead I have a feeling of discomfort and lack of respect whilst living in my home. Personally, I feel that, until a young adult is financially independent, then they should respect the rules and guidelines of their parents. Unfortunately, my DH didn't offer any guidelines when they moved in with us, and treats situations like this lightheartedly, much to my annoyance. He knows I feel uncomfortable about his daughter having sex in our home but he shrugs it off. I don't mind what she does when she ventures off to Uni, that is her choice. However, at the moment, I wish some house policies were in place. She has been dating her BF for about 3 months btw.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 24/06/2014 08:10

3 months is not a long term relationship, so you're quite within your rights to refuse/put your foot down. Could you reach a compromise, eg no sex when there are others in the house?

Original poster
Tappergirl · 24/06/2014 17:06

SirChenjin I dont think at all that she would purposely have sex when others are in the house, its just the fact that she knows I often come home at lunchtime, and I wasnt born yesterday!! I just feel she is taking liberties by inviting her newish BF round whilst we are at work, eating lunch at our expense, and taking him up to her room, which btw has very little room to swing a cat. Now I dont have a problem with them going to his parents, and if they are more liberal than I appear to be, then good for them.

I just find it disrespectful. If she was paying her way towards some kind of household expenditure, then I may take a different approach... not sure but I may. She is barely a week out of FT college, and treats our home like a hotel most days.

I do not have kids of my own, so having to deal with 2 teens who want to act like adults in some ways, but not in other ways, is totally alien to me. I remember my teenage years very well, and was never disrespectful to the "rules" of the house, besides I had a much younger brother to consider.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 24/06/2014 17:12

I have to say, that sounds very much like most teenagers I know (it was certainly how I behaved at that age), and these are decent, hardworking 'naice' kids (as I was...). I don't think you should make the payment of rent a factor in determining whether or not she can bring her BF back tbh - if she's a great person in every other way, and you like her BF, then I think you need to cut her a bit of slack tbh - at 18 she really does need a bit of privacy.

But - your house is your house, mine is mine, and our rules will differ Smile

Bowlersarm · 24/06/2014 17:13

Well, yes we do. Ds aged 18, and his girlfriend is 17.

melissa83 · 24/06/2014 17:16

Yeah of course I will let my children once they ate 16. They are adults was only a couple of years after that dh and I were married

Original poster
Tappergirl · 24/06/2014 17:22

Well, here comes the "Evil Step Mother" piece. No I do not like her, I have nothing in common with her, and find her to be very petulant and immature most of the time, oh and I've hardly met her boyfriend more than 3 x with little or no conversation.

I'm the one who needs privacy in our household, but then thats totally a different story, one of which has been aired on the "step parenting" thread. And before you say my view is tainted because I do not like my SD, then let me say if she showed us some respect and asked if her BF could come round then I may have a different view. She takes liberties that I find irritating and uncomfortable about. I am wishing away the summer until she goes off to Uni, assuming she gets her grades.

OP posts:
melissa83 · 24/06/2014 17:24

I could tell it was a stepmum thing. I had a friend at college with a stepmum like this who was always tryingto get rid of her.