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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you allow teenagers to have sex under your own roof?

84 replies

Tappergirl · 23/06/2014 16:46

I have 2 step children who live with us, girl of 18 and boy of 16. This is however not a step parenting issue. I work close to home and often pop home at lunchtime. SD had said she was going out with BF today (she has finished college now), but clearly they were up in her room when I went home at 1pm. The house was quiet so I though I was alone until I heard movement upstairs in her room, and a "foreign" pair of shoes downstairs.

Is it just me or does anybody else feel uncomfortable about teenagers having sex in your own home, whether they are bio or step children?

I know both of them are old enough (SS has a girlfriend who comes to visit occasionally) but I don't really agree with it happening, especially when husband and I are not there. Am I being a prude?

OP posts:
STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 25/06/2014 00:02

How did your SDC's come to live with you? How long have they been there?

Lovingfreedom · 25/06/2014 00:03

She's over 16 and having sex in her own home...what is the problem? Would you prefer she put herself at risk by having sex outside somewhere? I let my DD have who she likes to stay over (not usually on school nights). I ask that they are polite, tidy up after themselves and don't take drugs or smoke. But it wouldn't occur to me to pry into her sex life, or she into mine when I actually had one. I suppose it might be different if any of us got into anything loud or started using different rooms... But teenagers generally prefer discretion IME anyway. I don't see why a regular or LTR makes a difference. I would prefer my kids didn't settle down too young...but it's up to them.

Original poster
Tappergirl · 25/06/2014 00:04

Nope, sorry to disappoint

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/06/2014 00:05

My eldest son has had his girlfriend from university her to stay since he was 18. He is now 20.

My DD was 17 when her boyfriend first stayed over. She was in that relationship for almost a year. She didn't have a serious boyfriend for six months or so after that. She's now 18, has been with new lad for about four months and he has started staying over.

I have younger children and I don't have a problem them with them being aware that when you are in a nice loving, steady relationship with someone, then it's okay to sleep with them.

FWIW many of my daughter's friends, lovely intelligent girls from nice homes, are shockingly promiscuous; go home with boys they haven't known very long, different one every week, that sort of thing. None of them are allowed to bring boys home. My daughter told me her and her lad sometimes feel like the only kids in our town in a respectful, steady relationship.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 25/06/2014 00:11

Nope, sorry to disappoint

Ever searched your own username? Wink

Xcountry · 25/06/2014 00:21

I don't think I would mind at those ages, as long as they were open about it (obv not the details but open about being safe etc) theres a big difference between a 13 year old teenager and an 18 year old teenager. I was married by the time I was 17 and I am still with DH now 11 years later.

BackforGood · 25/06/2014 00:28

I think the OP is getting a hard time here.

If being in a long term relationship and really getting to know your partner well before starting a sexual relationship is considered "old fashioned" by many of you, then, tbh, I'm glad I'm old fashioned.

I know of too many people who regret having a child with someone before they got to know them properly - that's before you start looking at all the relationship threads on here. Of course all teenagers think it won't happen to them, but we know that's not true don't we.

It would be interesting to know which posters have dc of this age (or older) as often your actual feelings are different in the circumstance from what you think your feelings would be, when you are considering something hypothetically.

I have a (literally) just turned 18 yr old ds at the moment and this 'discussion' has been had in our house in the last week.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 25/06/2014 00:37

If being in a long term relationship and really getting to know your partner well before starting a sexual relationship is considered "old fashioned" by many of you, then, tbh, I'm glad I'm old fashioned.

My 'old fashioned attitude' comment was to do with the 'not under my roof' idea. Nothing to do with the length of the DD's relationship.

I could share anecdotes of the people i know who were and those who werent allowed to have partners stay over as adults living with parents and which of those relationships A) lasted and B) resulted in unplanned pregnancy but i dont think it would alter anyone's viewpoint despite the outcomes.

Xcountry · 25/06/2014 00:55

My answer about their ages and I would rather under my roof with them being open about it (and able to give guidance on safety etc) was not a dig at OP, merely my opinion. No I don't have children that age - our eldest is 11 BUT DH and I have been together since I was 13 and he was 15 and we were sexually active then also.

Sneaking around with no guidance and being a lot younger than OPs step children we weren't safe and I got pregnant at 15. Sadly My baby was born at 22 weeks and didn't make it but we were pregnant again 2 years later (probably intentional if I am honest).

The point I was trying to make is that OP has an opportunity to sit down with her step daughter and talk to her about it - yes at 16 she is going to be a stroppy cow, we all were at 16 but at least the subject is broached and OP can encourage her to take precautions and offer her guidance.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 25/06/2014 01:00

The DD is 18. OP wont sit down and talk with her. Not ever.

gingercat2 · 25/06/2014 04:04

I feel for you, I can see that you are in an uncomfortable situation, especially your comment about feeling as if you need privacy in your own home. I think it would be reasonable for you to set firmer boundaries with her, but I know that will be hard without your husband on board.

brdgrl · 25/06/2014 13:59

I guess that if the DSD ever has the OP and the OP's husband to live in her home, she can make whatever objections she likes. Hmm

At the moment, she isn't the homeowner, or even a tenant, so as long as she's living there, she can abide by the rules set by the OP.
Which quite reasonably might include not having sex.

adeucalione · 25/06/2014 16:04

I don't think I'd have any objection to my 18yo DS having sex with his gf while we were out, but I can understand why some of you do; I just have now idea how you can stop it. She's an adult, she's in a relationship, and her DF doesn't mind. I think you'll lose if you turn this into a battle OP.

Original poster
Tappergirl · 25/06/2014 21:33

I'm not turning it into a battle, I was simply asking for advice....

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 25/06/2014 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tappergirl · 25/06/2014 23:08

I get it Usualsuspect. They are "tenants". They consider themselves adults but are living rent free. My SD is now a tenant, having finished ft education. She still expects money from us to get burger buns from across the road. She contributes nothing, but expects everything. If they want to be adults then they should behave like one. On the one hand, they want to be treated like one, but there is a big grey area as to when they can be an actual adult, and to me, that is when they take responsibility for their own life direction and commitments.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 25/06/2014 23:13

Do you class your children as tenants. brdgirl? What a strange thing to say.

That isn't what I said at all. What a strange interpretation. I believe, on the contrary, that I said that the DSD was not a tenant. A tenant is someone who does not own the home, but pays rent to a landlord.

Sicaq · 25/06/2014 23:28

I don't know the backstory to this; it sounds like there is more to it. But on the basis of this thread alone ... do you really feel uncomfortable with her 'eating lunch at your expense', when she's barely a week out of education?

Original poster
Tappergirl · 25/06/2014 23:56

So who are you talking to?

OP posts:
AdeptusMechanicus · 26/06/2014 00:28

Tappergirl Which is better: they do it where you know they are safe and in private or they for example do it in the woods & various other risky places ?

Original poster
Tappergirl · 26/06/2014 00:36

Doesnt matter now anyway, I am telling my husband tomorrow that we are splitting up, so he can have the shit, and be the grandfather (of both of his kids btw)!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tappergirl · 26/06/2014 00:45

FYI Adeptus, when I was 18-21ish, I did it in the woods, car, and other places that were exciting and it was brilliant! But they were not deemed as alternatives to doing it in my bedroom at my parents home. I did it because we wanted to, rather than being banished from my parents home. I didnt feel it was risky because we WANTED to do it there. The thought of having sex in the family home was somewhat creepy to be honest. So having sex in other places was exciting, not forbidden, or the only other alternative. Just a thought, but having sex in my parents home did not occur to me as it would have felt like an intrusion on their own home.

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 26/06/2014 00:50

Your going to split up with your husband because your step daughter had sex in the house? Wtf?

Original poster
Tappergirl · 26/06/2014 00:53

No, its more than you will ever know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tappergirl · 26/06/2014 01:00

Before I go to bed, I just want to ask the question: are there so many naiive people out there who would believe I would split up with DH like VeryStressedMum seems to believe?

FGS, what planet are you living on?

OP posts: