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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

866 replies

canttakeanymore · 26/08/2006 19:23

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

OP posts:

jollymum · 29/08/2006 19:50

Custy, custy...we need u! been there done that, etc.My DS walked out and because we blocked the doors (and yes, woke the other 3 up who defended him!) he went over the roof and our next door neighbours came round. The old lady had had a funny turn because of it and when I found him at 3am I told him. I had work the next day, DH had too much to drink to drive and look for him so little old me was driving round the parks etc. He didn't give a shit and just laughed at me. I made him go round and say sorry but that was two years ago, he wouldn't do it now. Thinking of you all the time and watching for posts. You are not the only one and we are not crap mothers. We get beaten down and sometimes it's easier to say yes/ignore/give in than say no. NO MORE!!

It's your house and the others are being affected, and believe me, mine have told me how. They all felt that xxx had all the attention and would fight to get mine. THEIR WORDS EXACTLY.[SAD]

costababe · 29/08/2006 19:59

3lf, he does have all the symptoms u list, but i put it down to hayfever, we have just had a major room search this week, and found nothing to suggest drugs, we are on the look out for this type of thing as it is quite readily availabe. He is very anti smoking and i do not feel that this is the cause of his behaviour, its got to be hormones and a fighting against boundaries surely.

losingdd · 29/08/2006 20:30

Message withdrawn

makemineadouble · 29/08/2006 20:36

spacecadet..know your busy right now dont even know where you are? or what you look like but i am thinking of you and sending you all my mother love and strength and power...x

makemineadouble · 29/08/2006 20:36

spacecadet..know your busy right now dont even know where you are? or what you look like but i am thinking of you and sending you all my mother love and strength and power...x

makemineadouble · 29/08/2006 20:36

spacecadet..know your busy right now dont even know where you are? or what you look like but i am thinking of you and sending you all my mother love and strength and power...x

costababe · 29/08/2006 20:37

i appreciate that, and will continue to look out for the signs, in fact I will continue doing regular bedroom checks as at the moment i have no trust in ds,

makemineadouble · 29/08/2006 20:38

see it is so strong it came to you three times! ha ha

or stong even lol

SpaceCadet · 29/08/2006 21:10

well......the bedroom has been totally vandalised.
shes gouged the walls with her school compass, shes put another hole in the wall near her wardrobe, this was after coming home and finding that i had removed from her room.
tv
dvd
playstation
stereo.
mp3 player
she repeatedly slammed her bedroom door for about 10 mins and screamed. i feel so sorry for my poor neighbour..and very very embarrssed..does he think im beating her up i wonder.
to make matters worse..my bloddy mother has completely undermined me and told me that she wont be enforcing any of dd's punishments because she doesnt see why she should in her house...SCREAM!!!!!!

3littlefrogs · 29/08/2006 21:13

costababe - I was so ignorant of what constituted evidence - it is so hard with the first child, nobody tells you what to look out for and you daren't ask. I wish mumsnet had been around when I was having mine (didn't even have computers then!!!)I thought mine was just untidy, then realised that old bus tickets, biros with the inside taken out, yakult pots, toilet roll insides etc were all evidence. All used to smoke cannabis. They always hide the actual stuff, or leave it with friends.

BudaBabe · 29/08/2006 21:14

Can she go and live with your mother? Or stay for a while? It would give you a break (and your other children) and show your mother what she is really like.

Kathlean · 29/08/2006 21:15

Hope you are OK and on full ignore (-:

Pop around to the neighbours and apologise saying she is having a tantrum. If you do it when she is having one they are back up that you are not flushing her head dow the loo or being otherwise mean to her (-:

Ignore your mother too she's a waste of your energy. Save it for the important battle with your DD.

Got a camera on your phone can you video part of her tantrum so yuu have proof next time she lies?

SpaceCadet · 29/08/2006 21:18

budababe-mum wont have her living there but went behing my back and told dd she could stay for a few days at the end of this week, but told me that she wont enforce any of the punishments, so dd can go on msn etc, whats the point in me punishing her if my mother undermines me.
kathlean-im in full ignore mode

losingdd · 29/08/2006 21:19

Message withdrawn

Wordsmith · 29/08/2006 21:22

Oh SC I have absolutely no idea or experience of what you're going through but just wanted to say how sorry I am, it sounds as though you are doing a fantastic job with no support at all from your DD's dad or your mum. Why don't you suggest to your mum, if she's so keen to encourage your dd ignore your rules and punishments, that she moves in with her? Tell her you'll be changing the locks and going away for the weekend with your other kids while your dd is at her house, and if she wants her for the weekend, she's got her for good. If she and your ex are not preparaed to take the shit that you are taking they should butt out for good.

I can't believe the lack of support you are getting from social services and the like. It sounds like she is a seriously unhappy young lady who needs treatment now before it affects the rest of her life.

Again I have no idea what it must be like for you - I have two boys under 6 who hopefully will grow up reasonably happily and non-violent but who knows? There for the grace of God... good luck anyway and stick to your guns.

SpaceCadet · 29/08/2006 21:22

well. i hung up on my mum and said sorry but if you cant stand by me, shes not coming.

losingdd · 29/08/2006 21:23

Message withdrawn

tissy · 29/08/2006 21:24

Stay strong, SC. I'm going to print off this thread and save it for when my dd's a teenager- she has the makings of one already, and she's only 4!

Kathlean · 29/08/2006 21:25

How far away is your mother? How is your DD getting there I(if whe goes)?

SpaceCadet · 29/08/2006 21:33

mum is 40 miles away, step dad was going to pick her up.
i thought i would just mention as well that after dd and i went for the assessment meeting at CAMHT, i suspected that they wouldnt take things further and i was right, dd lied about her self harmimg etcw hich im furious about because shes still doing it.
i received this letter today from the CAMHT
Dear Mrs xx and Dd.
Thank you for coming along to see me last week to discuss your concerns.
I talked about dd in our team meeting yesterday as i explained.
although it was clear that xx has problems with her temper, unfortunately due to staff resources our service is not able to deal with these problems on their own.
we were more concerned with xx low mood and self harming behaviour, we felt however that this has improved in recent weeks and xx reports that she is no longer self harming.
we decided that the best course of action was to leave things as they were, and if you have further worries, do not hesitate to come back to us.
yours sincerely
xxxxx

Kathlean · 29/08/2006 21:38

Is step-dad more reasonable will not come get her if you say not to?

Dunno what to suggest about the self-harming I have no knowledge/understanding of why people do this. Either write them a letter saying she was lying you stupid twats or ignore her and hope that by doing so she will stop doing it.

themoon66 · 29/08/2006 21:40

Keep a record of her self-harm attempts. That way you can see whether its getting better/less frequent or whatever, plus have a record to show the team when you ask for their help again. At least they've acknowledged your concerns. Are you going to get back to them??

SpaceCadet · 29/08/2006 21:42

step dad will probably wont to stay out of it tbh.
the self harming has become worse since she got in with a new group of friends..they are emos..dress like goth/grebs and they self harm for fun

SpaceCadet · 29/08/2006 21:42

themoon, im going to write to them because im not happy with the response i got.

Molesworth · 29/08/2006 21:57

Just caught up with this - I really feel for you space, well done on staying strong.

My dd is in with the grunge/emo/goth crowd too and they do the same re: self harming (i.e. compare scars, take photos of cuts and show each other etc). Crazy isn't it?

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