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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

866 replies

canttakeanymore · 26/08/2006 19:23

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

OP posts:

Molesworth · 29/08/2006 21:59

Yes, don't let CAMH get away with that wishy washy response. I'm sure they're low on resources, but the squeakiest wheel gets the oil. Keep at them if you want their help. Do you think that counselling/therapy would benefit your dd though? I ask, because I don't think it would help mine - she's not ready to take it and imo it's not something that can be forced.

QueenEagle · 29/08/2006 22:08

spacey, just wanted you to know you have my sympathy and obviously support on this one.

I once fostered a 14/15 year old girl who acted ezactly like your dd plus she stole from me and the kids too. She had no respect whatsoever for me or her mother but put on a brilliant act for social services and the CAMH team.

I really feel for you, you need support right now and you should be getting it from your mil and ex-h. Can you phone them again and tell them you need them to show a united front in view of her appalling behaviour? It's outrageous that they should undermine you in this way.

fwiw I agree with the withdrawal of ALL privileges, ALL monies and ALL luxuries. It may take a few days, even weeks but it WILL start to hurt her. Friends generosity can only last so long. You have to be the tough one here, without resorting to shouting and screaming matches with her. Tough love is what's needed here, bloody hard but we will all be here to support you through it when you need us x.

makemineadouble · 29/08/2006 22:11

space your doing fantastic!!! shes trashed room? she sleeps in it ..do nothing else now tonight no rows no talkin till tomorrow..

you say when, not her, talk when shes calmed down, tell her this, your not prepared to talk to her when shes going off on one, tell her this.

take control again even in this small way..

as for your mum ffs tie her to the train tracks lol

runkid · 29/08/2006 22:34

My dd has decided not to com home again as if im not tired enough already i am sick of reporting her missing it is pointless

runkid · 29/08/2006 22:54

Ive had four years of this crap when is going to end her room looks like a squat dirty dishes dirty washing cigerette ends where she has smoked when i am not in.I totally refuse to go in there she takes the piss.Just like your dd space c she trashes it regularly.SS are doing nothing nor is YOS they told me there at a loss of what todo.SO WHO THE HELL CAN HELP

Tortington · 29/08/2006 23:23

how old is she?

Chandra · 29/08/2006 23:32

Gosh Space, I'm speechless at your mum! perhaps she should endure her company to see for herself what your DD can get up to?.

Probably Custy's response to social services would do for your mum: If you are not allowed to discipline your own daughter please ask her to keep her.

Please stay firm, just imagine a toddler tantrum, if at the end you let toddler win, he would have only learn to scream louder. Same would happen here if she is allowed to. Best of luck!

losingdd · 29/08/2006 23:48

Message withdrawn

makemineadouble · 30/08/2006 07:47

Well its a whole new day

I woke thinking of you and what kind of night you'v had? How is it this morn how are other kids?

Pixiefish · 30/08/2006 07:53

Sorry Spacey- I haven't read all of this in detail but have got the general gist.

If you fancy a day out away from it all then let me know, we could take the kids to the zoo or you could come here and we could do the beach or something. My dd would love to see your ds1 again and it would be a nice escape for you all.

We could arrange something quickly if you like or we could just come down to you and stay local to you. Ring/text or msn me xx

runkid · 30/08/2006 08:39

morning spacy im thinking of you
custy,dd is 14 and she is hell

anorak · 30/08/2006 08:43

I have lost faith completely in social services. I don't know what they actually do other than 'blame the parents'. There seems to be nothing of practical help in their resources.

When my DD2 ran away recently just after her 14th birthday they were told we were violent, abusive, that my DH was having an affair and was angry because the kids had found out about it, that I never listened to them, didn't care about them, that my DH had kissed DD goodnight in 'a creepy way', and they just believed it all until the kids admitted none of it was true. We could have lost our 5 year old DS because of it

DD kept running away, she ran away from me and then from a foster home, I said can't you do something? and they said what do you want us to do? so I said don't you have a care home that's secure where she can go and have some psycotherapy to deal with whatever is making her put herself in danger like this? No, we don't have any place like that. If she runs away you just call the police and bring her back and wait for her to run away again. But you can't physically restrain her or drag her home. That would constitute an assault. However all the time she remained my responsibility Even when no one was telling me anything and after waiting in for 14 hours by the phone and no one called me back I called the emergency childrens' home in desperation. They talked to me as if I were some kind of threat. No, they couldn't give out info about my daughter, tone of voice said it was a real cheek my calling.

Oh sorry I am rambling but social services...social services...I am sure there are some good ones out there but in my experience all they did was interfere and absolutely no practical good at all. They take everything on face value. Why can't we have proper professionals with at least enough training to notice if stories don't add up and someone might be lying

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 10:39

molesworth- i think my dd and yours would get on!
yes the emo scene is pathetic imo, they all walk around looking so depressed and its cool to self harm, fgs, i was a goth and i didnt walk around like that.
pixiefish-that would be lovely..i think a change of scene would be nice,possibly your way this time, im sure ds1 would loves to see your dd again..will text you.

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 10:42

runkid-
anorak-ive even less faith in social services after i watched a real life documentary on a girl in care last night.
its not a dig at social workers..i was very nearly one m,yself..but more a complete lack of faith in the system..

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 10:43

QE-ill do you a swop..your dd is delightful

anorak · 30/08/2006 10:43

This was the first time in my life I've ever asked anything of social services and they totally let me down.

No faith at all, sadly.

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 10:48

right..last night..dd finally calmed down at midnight...at which point i could hear her sobbing..i went upstairs and she was sat on the bed..crying out" no opne wants me..even my dad doesnt want me"..cue long chat that went on till 2 am. dd sat glaring at me as though i was godzilla, but against my better judgement, i told her that her real father..did love her but had difficulty showing it and as he had problems of his own at the moment was probably wrapped up in those.
i told her that i loved her too, that just because she was a teen and nearly grown up, didnt mean id stopped loving her..she said, but you hate me, i said no, i hate your behaviour..not you.
there were a lot of tears and she went to bed, she let me cuddle her and i reminded her that above all she was my daughter and i loved her, that i loved all my children
i dont know what will happen today..she is still in bed.

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 10:50

anorak-

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 10:51

oh anorak, what you have been through just makes my blood run cold

I am wondering how on earth we can stay sane while going through this madness?

How are things today space? Is dd at home or has she gone off again? Does she know she's not going to your mum's?

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 10:51

oops cross posted!

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 10:58

molesworth-how are things in your department?
btw, this is just a lull, it wont last, next time i say no to dd, she will kick off and it will all start again, however at least i get an inkling as to y she is like this..i know a lot is to do with her dad.

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 10:59

Your chat with dd sounds positive SC. I have found with my dd too that there are times like that when a chink of light appears and you can get through. Even if it all goes back to being a nightmare the next day, it's important to grab those opportunities to let them know you do love them. Another thing I have tried with my dd is that when she is being at her most obnoxious, I tell her I love her and then walk away ... it really takes the wind out of their sails!

Whatever it is that makes them behave like this, there's a lot of inner turmoil going on. It's so frustrating to find yourself in the position where you can't help them, because your efforts are just rejected over and over again. But I am guessing this is because they are on the cusp of adulthood and can't or won't submit to our help, but have to do it for themselves somehow. I wish to hell that my dd would try the counselling, but she's refusing it and I know it will only help her if she wants to be helped.

Rambling on now, sorry. I do think you need to prioritize yourself and your other children and have some time out if at all possible. The problem with taking the hard line is that the fall out from it affects everyone in the family so much. I really don't know how that can be avoided or minimised.

runkid · 30/08/2006 11:02

anorak,for the last four years my dd has been running away taking drugs drinking alcohol and having sex with much older boys one of which is on the sex offenders register.i have asked for my daughter to be secured many times and they have always said no!! She was put in a home ran away she didnt get to foster home because SS lost her on the way and she was missing for a week. Eventually she was secured but by the courts as she was getting in so much trouble and i have a goob soliciter but dd was in court 30 times before that happened. she is out after six months and back to old tricks she wasnt in long enough due to a judge who cut her sentance in half without even talking to me.The whole system needs looking at because it just doesnt work. I have asked for dd to be secured again but SS are not interested so i am going to WAR and i amgoing to write letters to everyone to try and get something done.I understand your frustration but your not alone.

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 11:04

My dd isn't here - she ran off with two of her friends about 10 days ago. She has called me a couple of times to let me know she's ok, but I don't know when she will be back. Like anorak, I've been through the whole call-the-police-sit-by-the-phone thing so many times. Yes, they find her eventually and bring her home, but the whole process only seems to alienate her more and she just runs off again. So now I have stopped calling the police, and am just letting her get on with it. It's horrible, I hate the thought of her being "out there", my heart breaks every time she disappears. I honestly don't know what I can do now other than let her get on with it and hope that she will be safe and come home when she is ready. It's weird because when she's at home it's stressful and affects everyone badly, but when she's not here, although there is peace in the house there's a huge hole where she should be.

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 11:06

omg runkid, what a nightmare you are going through! How old is your dd?

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