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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

866 replies

canttakeanymore · 26/08/2006 19:23

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

OP posts:
SPACEdoutzombieCADET · 09/10/2006 22:18

dd went and did a trial at the shop yesterday, they made her work four hours which i found out is not legal and they didnt pay her!

runkid · 09/10/2006 22:22

oooh thats not good they should have at least paid her for the time

SPACEdoutzombieCADET · 09/10/2006 22:24

i know, think its way out of order, if you ask me, they had no intention of taking her on, just short staffed yesterday, as you can imagine its done her the power of good

runkid · 09/10/2006 22:33

Think its called cheap labour. Think i would go and complain. Bet that didnt do her self esteem much good

SPACEdoutzombieCADET · 10/10/2006 22:24

runkid, no it didnt and they havent been in touch so it was obvious that they were just using her, they were probably short stsaffed and got them selves some free labour.

Molesworth · 10/10/2006 22:26

oh spacey that makes my blood boil!

SPACEdoutzombieCADET · 10/10/2006 22:30

mine too, im going to ring them up and have a right go at them, im so

Molesworth · 10/10/2006 22:35

How's dd apart from the work thing?

Things aren't too awful here apart from my constant dealings with the school and EWO (all of whom are lovely but I still wish I didn't have to deal with them!). It's so draining though isn't it? I've been physically ill for the last few days, just been in bed (catching up on some studying) feeling very fluey.

SPACEdoutzombieCADET · 10/10/2006 22:41

molesworth..things have been a little calmer actually, i have a gp appt booked for monday about my feeling low, but strangely, i have been ill with a flu like illness last week, feel quite poorly, obviously doing the rounds.
i think when you are mentally exhausted you are more likely to become ill, it weakens your immune system, hope you feel better soon.
has dd been compliant and been going to school yet?

Molesworth · 10/10/2006 23:14

calmer = good

Yes, absolutely agree about the flu thing - I mean I know it's the time of year for colds etc, but definitely if you're stressed out your immune system isn't as strong.

Dd has managed one and a half days at school so far (in 3 weeks), so it's not going great tbh. We have a review meeting at the school next Monday, but in the meantime she has agreed to go in on Thurs and Fri. My expectations are set very low - anything at all is an achievement at the moment. At least she has stopped running away and her behaviour at home - although lazy - has been pretty good.

Good luck at the doc's on Monday

winnie · 11/10/2006 14:26

Molesworth, I can completely relate to your comment about lowering expectations.
I am glad things are more settled with dd although the school situation must be hugely frustrating.

Spacey, I feel on your dd's behalf following the so called trial day. I hope this hasn't had a huge impact on dd's behaviour but I imagine it has. How are you feeling and how did you get on at the drs?

Runkid,how are things since the violent bf? Is dd still seeing him? I hope things aren't too dreadful.

Makemineadouble and anorak, how is it all going with you haven't seen you post on this thread for a while. Hope that means it's all ok (fingerscrossed)

anorak · 11/10/2006 15:02

Hi all, got myself a bit run down and spent a couple of days resting. I forgot to take my Kalms one day and went to pieces I'm afraid.

Gradually feeling better each day. Saw DD2 at the weekend, she wrote the letter to my DH and we all had a hug, I know he is going to forgive her it is just taking him a while to get over what she did.

She needs us, the honeymoon with her dad sounds very over and I think she is regretting her move. Only trouble is she likes her new school much better than her old one.

runkid · 11/10/2006 18:07

Hi Winnie have found out he has been here while i have been at work he shouldnt be here and im but what can i do. As far as i no he has bail conditions to stay away from dd

anorak · 11/10/2006 19:14

oh runkid, isn't it difficult? it seems to me our teenagers can get away with behaviour in our homes that would be illegal if anyone else did it.

makemineadouble · 11/10/2006 21:08

Hi all been really busy hope you all getting there Anorak thats so cool bout letter and hug, made me go all gooey Spacey your poor girl that is awfull way to treat a youngster! Mole at least some progress better than none

I'm still having probs with lil bro! he is staying most nights with his recently ex gf think they're back togeather??? trouble is they finished because she stole over £100 from my mums debit card, I am trying to understand that he loves her?! but my poor mum is in right state, she's been really good to gf and does'nt deserve this?! I feel he is being so disloyal and I want to shake him

runkid · 11/10/2006 21:19

anorak and winnie the worse thing is there is more and it is terrible but i just cant bring myself to put it on here

webcrone · 11/10/2006 22:16

Here's a thought on expectations - pretty generally applicable but something I found particularly useful during the teen years, which is when it was offered to me.

I understand about lowered expectations. I have rewarded and celebrated the most trivial and mundane gestures, ever - the tiniest concession or movement in the desired direction, any evidence at all of taking some responsibility, and it got a thank you (and dp was a rock - even though our relationship was under some pressure he stood by me and my kids all the way and supported me in every attempt to restore sanity, mine included). It was hard to see any sort of future beyond getting through the next day. And there were times when I compared what was happening to the dreams and expectations I had when my kids were younger, and wept.

A very good friend asked me what I wanted to be true for my kids (and myself) 5 or even 10 years down the line, by the time they were 25 say. I realised that what I really wanted to be true was that they would be responsible young men (I've passed 40 so mid-20's is now young to me!), leading lives that they found satisfying. I wanted them to be able to form good relationships with other people, and for them to be able to be themselves. Needless to say, beginning to think about the future this way, with some sense of possibility, was a total turnaround - a day without a meltdown was the closest I got to a good day.

I was told to simply hold this thought in mind and expect it to happen, without giving any consideration whatsoever to how to get there, and regardless of what else was going on in any moment of time. So I did, most of the time, and it was useful.

As I'm writing this DS2 and his gf (?) are watching Family Brat Camp, after coming up here so that gf could get some help with her college homework from dp. I told them that Channel 4 are looking for families to participate in Brat Camp and they suggested we borrow a teen from somewhere because it would be really cool to do all that stuff in the desert together. DS then went on to say he'd like to do some volunteering charity work in Africa someday, maybe next year when gf finishes college.

wtf! as they say!

HTH

runkid · 11/10/2006 22:26

Thanx Webcrone

makemineadouble · 11/10/2006 22:28

Webcrone my dd is Suergluegirl few years ago she could'nt be in same house as me! now she is doing all she can to help? wtf hey

winnie · 11/10/2006 22:29

runkid, mail me I will pick it up asap but probably won't be able to reply until tomorrow because for some reason I can't write emails (other than from my work email address on this [work]PC). I am sorry it is so tough{{{{{}}}}}

webcrone · 11/10/2006 22:31

Runkid - keep the faith
MMAD -

makemineadouble · 15/10/2006 17:15

hoping everyone is ok

mummisery · 17/10/2006 21:12

Have had to change my name to protect my family but need to chat. Have just found out dd is pregnant my worst nightmare come true

Mell2tingPotofGooooooo · 17/10/2006 21:35

oh mummisery - how old is she

mummisery · 17/10/2006 21:43

She is 14 and tells me she wants to keep this baby she just cant i have a 2 yr old son as well no room for another baby