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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

866 replies

canttakeanymore · 26/08/2006 19:23

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

OP posts:
Molesworth · 12/09/2006 20:56

{{{ Anorak }}}

SpaceCadet · 12/09/2006 20:58

awwww..anorak

runkid · 12/09/2006 21:01

A good cry does you good i find and never give up hope anorak

SpaceCadet · 12/09/2006 21:06

anorak-if its any help, i went to live with my dad when i was 13, as my mum was remarrying and i was basically horribly jealous.
boy did i regret it, i thought life was going to be a piece a cake with my dad but i was wrong, i left home at 16 and virtually severed all ties with my father whilst rebuilding my relationship with my mum.
reading your post made me realise how mum must have felt at the time.

Molesworth · 13/09/2006 08:40

dd and I have an interview at the pupil support unit this morning < nervous >

hope you're all ok - I find myself wondering about you all every day now and hoping things are peaceful

anorak · 13/09/2006 09:28

Good luck molesworth - don't forget to report back here.

Molesworth · 13/09/2006 09:38

I will anorak, this thread has been a godsend!

webcrone · 13/09/2006 09:40

Ladies,

I'm new to mumsnet and have been catching up on this thread. Many of the situations and events you describe are familiar to me - I have been through the mill, and then some, with DS1 (22), DS2 (21) and DD (fostered - 18). Although we're about through them now, I found the teenage years unbelievably difficult - as we hit one crisis after another (drink, drugs, behaviour, arrests, drop in performance at school etc) I felt more and more helpless and unprepared, and everywhere I turned for advice and support seemed to be a closed door. A forum like this would have been a godsend - at the time I thought it was only me and mine that these things were happening to, and for a while I was convinced that I was the most appalling, failed mother in the world.

Anyway, I'll contribute more soon (I'm away for the next few days) about how I got through and how we managed to turn things around and some of the stuff that I've learned about parenting teens over the past 5 or 6 years or so, if that would be of any use. I have no right, easy or quick answers (I suspect there aren't any) but I do know that it is possible to change direction, and what worked for us.

For now I just wanted to mention that there's a message on the media board about Channel 4 looking for mums who feel strongly about a particular (unspecified) issue and wondered whether this might be somewhere to take the teens and the law issue?

Molesworth · 13/09/2006 14:42

Hello webcrone and welcome to mumsnet

I'll look forward to hearing your top tips!

losingdd · 13/09/2006 15:42

Message withdrawn

Molesworth · 13/09/2006 16:15

Argh, sorry to hear you're having a horrible week losingdd

Is your dd in contact with her father, or is he hassling you to let him contact her?

Our meeting went well, but I don't know if dd will attend the new school - the place seems great though, and they reckon she could do 7 GCSEs in the next 9 months without too much difficulty. Lack of confidence is a big problem though.

SpaceCadet · 13/09/2006 17:57

glad the meeting went well molesworth.
i could cry, i really could, i knew she wouldnt keep it up, she has today
exploded because i wouldnt buy her cosmetics, yet has done nothing about getting a saturday job.
refused to revise for her mocks and gone to her friends.
not even bothered speaking to her teachers about the subjects she needs at sixth form etc, when she prmised my mum she would

runkid · 13/09/2006 18:59

Molesworth great the meeting went well i hope it all turns out well.

Llosingdd im sorry to here your having a bad time.

Spacey it seems to go in cycles doesnt it there calm for a while lull you in to a false sense of security then blow!!!

Welcome webcrone

SpaceCadet · 13/09/2006 20:31

runkid..i knew it wouldnt last!
welcome webcrone
losingdd-((hugs)), sorry you are having such a rough time lately, you dont need the added pressure of grief from your dd's father aswell.

losingdd · 13/09/2006 20:47

Message withdrawn

runkid · 13/09/2006 21:03

losingdd i would go for the injunction just for peace of mind at least you would be able to relax a bit.

Spacey keep your chin up

SpaceCadet · 13/09/2006 21:23

losingdd, go for the injunction.
i know what you mean about that feeling of high alert, my 2 ds's are being horrible too, probably because theyve seen dd getting away with it.

katienjay · 13/09/2006 21:26

Hi
I am new as of yesterday. I have not had time to read all the postings on this thread as have 4 month old ds and therefore lots to do. However, have the general gist and felt I had to contribute as have been through and to a certin extent am still going through very similar.
I have a 13 yr old step daughter who came to live with us after her mother and stpe father abused her mentally and physically (well everyone believed that at the time!!!). Since then (3 years ago) things have gone drastically down hill to say the least with all the behaviours listed above in various threads.
She too has been referred for help and she too pulled the butter wouldn't melt and convinced a fully grown supposedly professional adult that all was fine and it was me and her father that were the problem. She then got takenonnumerous trips by social services and given pocket money from them to "help" her.
Cut a very long story short I ended up being assessed for sectioning in January 2005 after attempting to take my own life. Luckily my sister in law took her for a few months to aid my recovery but she then came back and it has all started again.
Things are different now though. I feel justified that I have done all I can to help her and at the end of the day until she is ready to chnage no-one can make her (TRUST ME ON THIS ONE! I'm a probation officer and work with it all day everyday!) I am here for if and when she does decide to change and until that point I look after myself first so that I can be there formy step son (15) and my own ds.
My advice is therefore basically as much aspossible leave her to it. It doesn't matter if chunks are missing in her room or if she shouts and screams. If you can find the ability to try to ignore it and not get stressed it will help all round. Get yourself help. I know that everyonehas been saying to get her help but like isaid there is no point if she's not ready but you need support too. My Psychiatrist was excellent and I soon felt strong enough to deal with it better.My two sons have also therefore benefitted and my step daughter knows that she isn't getting to me as much. You have to put yourself first so that you are strong enough to get you and your other children through it.
You are doing realy well but don't let her beat you or spoil your time with your other children. In addition,I know it may sound extremely harsh but violence and threats of violence are illegal and perhaps her knowing that there is a threat you will involve the police may help. Sh could then be forced into seeking help and havea bit of a reality check. A bit harsh i know but it is justg to sho you have not reached the end of the line. There are other ways to address it!
I have told my on step daughter the same hing "I love you and I am here for you but I will not be abused in any way and if I believe you are a threat to anyon else I will deal with it in whatever way I think appropriate". So far it has seems to be holding her from crossing that line so fingers crossed...good luck... you will get through it!
I'm sending you lots of hugs!!!

runkid · 13/09/2006 21:35

Katienjay welcome sorry to here the trouble you have had. All advice is very welcome

Callmemadam · 13/09/2006 21:42

Hi, I have been trying to follow this thread and other similar ones as those of you who know I am a Youth Court magistrate will understand that I can only learn from what you are all saying so clearly. I don't have many answers but the last poster Katienjay, puts it so well, as a mum and a probation officer. So many of you - Spacey, Run kid anorak etc - want to help your teenagers more than anything, but you have to look after yourselves and your other siblings, and that often means putting them first. I really like the way Katienjay expressed it at the end of her post eg ' I love you but.....'. Someone else (Custy?) said that so many of these teenagers think they have a right to everything, no obligations, and that social services are a threast to use against parents. Well, I think that that lack of respect for others is not just confined to home, and that it is about time we as a society took a long hard look at the child centered policies of the last 25 odd years.

runkid · 13/09/2006 21:45

Callmemadam that last statement ROCKS and i totally agree

runkid · 13/09/2006 21:48

Also all you fantastic mums out there i would appreciate some coping stratagies on child missing if you have the time from you who really know what its like. Thanx. Is there a full moon tonight my dd has gone off out doing god knows what but its not good.

runkid · 13/09/2006 21:59

I have to say that i had my dd arrested for ABH on myself and she was found guilty but it didnt make any difference. Im always reporting her to the police but nothing happens im told i just have todo it every time she goes missing but it just makes her more resentful

Molesworth · 13/09/2006 22:28

hello katenjay and callmemadam - wow I can't believe how this thread is growing with so many others who have experienced these problems with their teenage daughters and stepdaughters. It's so helpful to hear how others have coped, and also to hear it from the teenager's point of view e.g. UrbanDryad's brilliant post.

Runkid, I am and that your dd hurt you so badly she was convicted of ABH. I'm so sorry this has happened to you With ref to her constant disappearances, I am wondering if your calling the police every time is a counterproductive strategy ... I totally understand why you do it, it's the only "sensible" thing to do, yet it gets to a point where sense stops making sense in these situations (if that makes sense!). The last three times my dd has gone missing I have not reported it to the police - I would have done if I thought she was alone, or if I had not heard from her for ages, but I knew she was with two friends (one of whom is 20) and she did make contact with me to let me know she was safe. I know that calling the police on her would have alienated her even more ... so I let her go and waited for her to come back of her own accord. I feel that if I had called the police she wouldn't have come back as soon as she did. I don't know if a more hands off strategy would work with your dd, or if you could bring yourself to leave her to get on with it ... I can completely understand if that's something you wouldn't be willing to do. There are no easy (or even difficult!) solutions in these situations

Spacey, crap I am so sorry that things have kicked off again for you. What a nightmare

runkid · 13/09/2006 22:35

I actually agree with you Molesworth there are many times i havent bothered to report her but i keep getting grief from the SS and police. My dd didnt hurt me badly i just couldnt believe she had done it especially in front of my ds. I deal with it daily at work i dont expect to have to with my dd. Still it taught her a lesson