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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

866 replies

canttakeanymore · 26/08/2006 19:23

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 11/09/2006 13:04

Could you both perhaps go to some sort of counselling - a lot of the time teenagers just don't have the verbal skills to be able to get across what they want to say to you and then you blow up.

And I know you probably don;t want to spend all your spare time with her at the mo but how about you and her going for a massage or a facial or just a manicure as a treat for her good behaviour - make her realise that yuo want to be her friend as well as her parent and that nice things happen if you are BOTH nice to each other.

NotActuallyAMum · 11/09/2006 13:16

Same here SC, I've definitely got to change how I handle it, as has DP too. LTHs advice certainly rings true for me, I do often have a negative attitude towards dsd and her behaviour. DP says we have to try and forget the past and concentrate on the future, and I know he's right but it's easier said than done

On a brighter note, I spoke to my youngest brother at the weekend, he and SIL have said I can have their spare room whenever I want so it's good to know I have somewhere to go if I do decide to leave, which I have to say is looking increasing likely

LadyTophamHatt · 11/09/2006 13:18

Sc..that excatly like me with Ds1.

It's really hard to change my behaviour/attitude towards his behaviour/attitude so the bloody viscious circle just rolls on.

I hope this is a permanant positive corner she's turned....

anorak · 11/09/2006 13:23

I don't think you're a fraud, SC. The situation you're in with your DD sounds very similar to the one I went through with DD1 for three years up until she left home. I know only too well the sleepless nights of worry, the being on edge all the time because you don't know what she's going to do next. Feeling relieved when she's gone out for an overnight and has actually told you where she is, so you can relax for a few hours. Feeling so, so abused by your own child. Wondering who is this alien you are forced to help in every way while they piss on you from a great height.

I was relieved when she left home, and I'm sure she was too. Losing DD2 was the big shock. We were all happy together or so I thought. But if she's going to go through a stage like the one DD1 went through her dad will have to deal with it now.

I was devastated to lose her so suddenly, whereas with DD2 the grief was spread over the three years prior to her leaving, if you see what I mean.

Now things are decided and we are all settling down to the new status quo. Losing them both has been a complete nightmare, but now we have to do our best with 'the new normal'. And the new normal is peaceful, easier financially, less work, and has afforded us the opportunity to move to a seaside town (which we plan to do soon) and for my Dh to give up work.

Both DDs are talking to me and DD1 hasn't been rude or abusive for a while now. Their appreciation of this family is going up I think.

Our new future looks very good. I'd rather have DD2 back here, and DD1 as well if she were going to stop being abusive. Nothing can fill the gap they leave. But we now have chances for different good things that we never had before, so we're taking them.

theUrbanDryad · 11/09/2006 13:56

anorak, i'm probably being totally bloody naive, but don't you have a right (as a parent) to see your daughter's new school? me and DP are getting married end of this month specifically for the reason that if we ever split up then his rights as a father are assured. i had assumed that it went both ways...ie, a mother had the same rights as a father? i could be being really stupid and if so then sorry!

SC, hope your calm lasts, maybe she has chilled out a bit? i can totally understand the feeling of walking on eggshells though...and LTH what the hell you doing on here??!! it's like bumping into an old friend at the supermarket??! you've not been posting on the due in jan thread, everything ok?

anorak · 11/09/2006 16:09

Hi urbandryad, yes I do have the right to see her school. It's just that I haven't yet done so.

What if I see it and don't like it? I then insist she isn't sent there. I find a school I prefer and her father doesn't agree. Another long battle and she misses another half term of school.

I've looked at the OFSTED reports and I must say I don't think it looks like a great school. But I feel if I make a fuss it will do more harm than good at this stage. My daughter may start treating me as the enemy again. She would be forced to travel somewhere different from her stepbrother and sister and that is bound to present practical problems.

I have written to the school explaining my position and asking that they directly inform me about anything I should know, parents' evenings, reports, etc.

I wasn't complaining about not having seen her school, I was just feeling sad about the contrast between being the one that made all the arrangements for her to being pushed almost completely out of the picture.

theUrbanDryad · 11/09/2006 17:51

yeah anorak i can get that. it must be so difficult for you. i was just curious as to the legalities. thinking of you chuck.....i hope it gets easier. xxx

kimi · 11/09/2006 22:15

oh anorak, i just saw this,let me know what school shes at i might be able ti fill you in on what its like.
call me, xx

anorak · 12/09/2006 08:18

Thanks both. I can see from the OFSTED reports that it's vastly inferior to her old school here. I had a chat with her last night and she says that she has been put straight into the remedial group for everything - this despite the fact that she acheived spectacular results in her last report at a much higher-acheiving school. Perhaps this is standard practice when a student has missed 6 weeks of school - I wouldn't know. They have already started to move her up from most of the groups after a week, though.

How is everyone else getting on? Have you all managed to get your teenagers to school? When DD1 was playing me up I found school times the most difficult as she was so reluctant to get up and go. I'm sure that a lot of days when I thought she was there she was pretending.

anorak · 12/09/2006 12:23

Lookie here, ladies, I have received a reply from Beverley Hughes's office, as follows:

Dear ,

Thank you for your correspondence. Please be aware that we have passed
on your comments to the Department for Constitutional Affairs (DCA) for
them to provide an answer, as they are best placed to assist you
regarding decisions made by a court.

Regards

Samantha Kennedy
Department for Education and Skills
Public Communications Unit

Hmm, hope that leads to something more constructive, got a feeling they missed the point of my email. While talking about my own personal circumstances I bemoaned the fact that teenagers are given legal rights to make decisions so serious that they don't have the experience or emotional maturity to handle the consequences, before inviting Ms Hughes to read this thread.

I was trying to get the government to see the problem that exists for the whole of our society here, not solve my own personal situation.

alibubbles · 12/09/2006 13:22

Anorak, just catching up post Ofsted with all the threads. Sorry to hear that DD2 has left her good school, that must be hard for you as mum's always want the best for our children and I know what you have to go through to get them there.

Is she still in the dustrict, which school? Initials should be easy for me.

I know what has happened will be hard to accept, but you have another chance with DS, no one can spoil that for you.

Take care.

anorak · 12/09/2006 13:35

Oh hi alibubbles, thanks for your kind words. She's in a different area now, at a school in Berks.

alibubbles · 12/09/2006 13:46

Oh Anorak I didn't realise she had moved out of area. I am sorry to hear that.

I used to go to school in Berks, amongst the 12 I went to!

anorak · 12/09/2006 13:48

It's Datchet.

kimi · 12/09/2006 17:09

I thouht he had moved them back to (near me?)

anorak · 12/09/2006 17:12

Yes he did but that is where they're going to school.

I'm having a bit of a blip just now. All this is so hard to adjust to

kimi · 12/09/2006 18:02

(((hugs)))) call me if you need a chat

anorak · 12/09/2006 18:04

Quick chat on msn if you like?

anorak · 12/09/2006 18:45

Sorry kimi lost msn connection again. Will try again later x

runkid · 12/09/2006 19:24

Hi anorak im glad that you got a reply and if they can solve your situation thats all good

anorak · 12/09/2006 20:12

Hi runkid, they won't be able to solve it and that's not why I contacted them.

I contacted them because I wanted them to read this thread and understand that the law needs to be changed. That parents of teens are being put in an impossible situation.

I wish I hadn't mentioned my own personal situation in the email now because nothing can be done about it, and the focus is going off the real point I was trying to raise.

runkid · 12/09/2006 20:28

well let hope something good comes of it anyway anorak i agree that things need changing and something has got to give.

SpaceCadet · 12/09/2006 20:28

anorak-you do have a right to have know about your dd's school etc and to receive copies of any letters they send out, invites to parents evenings etc.
{{hugs}}

runkid · 12/09/2006 20:33

Oh and i forgot to say i think that you are a remarkable woman and you have coped well and you still have the ability to see things positively

anorak · 12/09/2006 20:49

Well thanks you guys, SC I have requested all info from the school.

If only all this belief in me could get my daughters back, eh? I'm having a shit day today, can't keep my face dry for some reason.