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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

prepare to be shocked;but at this moment in time, i wish i could throw my teenage dd out , ive reached breaking point.:-(

866 replies

canttakeanymore · 26/08/2006 19:23

this is long, im afraid.
im a regular with a namechange.
my eldest daughter has been a handful since she was 18 months old, she started having violent rages which have just got worse and worse.
when her brother was born, she took her rages out on him and i never dared leave her alone with him.
by the time she was 9, her behaviour was so bad that she punched me in the tummy when i was 9 months preg with ds2, just because i told her off for hitting her brother.
her father and i seperated when she was a baby and he has been no help, he always made it clear that he couldnt care less how she behaved in my house.
the last couple of years have been really bad, the trouble is, when shes calm, she can be lovely, and also puts forward a very convincing act of being a little angel, so previous attempts to seek help have fallen flat on the ground as no one beleives that anything is wrong.
she will usually errupt into a rage because shes told she cant have/do something, she will attack my other children, throwing things at them, shes smashed her bedroom door on the inside and chunks are missing from the walls.
the last time she went beserk, she went to a friends and told them i hit her!!!! the mother threatened to phone social services, it took a while for me to convince her otherwidse and im sure she thinks im cruel to dd.
i cant touch dd otherwise she screams child abuse.
this week shes grounded as she had an explosion a few days ago, i also took her phone away from her.
today she started kicking off demanding her phone back, i ignored her and she went beserk, she terrified 2 year old dd, and i dread to think what my neighbours must think.
she smashed her room up, then stormed off to her friends, i was powerless to stop her, shes probally down there now telling lies that i abuse her....i cant stop crying..where did i go wrong...ive even considered suicide because i seem to be in a no win situation..today is the final straw, i just want her out of my house, i refuse to let her terrorise my other children, but shes ponly 15, so i cant make her leave, but if i could i would....

OP posts:
runkid · 30/08/2006 11:16

Molesworth, DD is 14 now and a get what you say about ringing the police but you no what i ring just to cover my own arse in case [god forbid]anything ever happens to DD

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 11:21

Blimey RK, so she has been behaving like this since she was ten? My heart goes out to you. See what you mean about covering yourself in case anything happens. Perhaps I should let them know, but surely if you ring to report them missing the police will go out looking?

runkid · 30/08/2006 11:33

Yes they will look but its rare they find them and you should report it to cover yourself otherwise you could find yourself in trouble.How old is your dd.It also shows your daughter that you care and your not going to put up with this behaviour

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 11:35

My dd is 15, and I think there is a world of difference between a 10-14 yr old going missing and a 15 yr old, especially in the eyes of the police and social services. They seem to consider a 15 year old not worth worrying about (i.e. they prioritise younger children). If she was younger I'd certainly be onto the police.

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 11:37

Meant to add that I do know roughly where she is and who she is with and have telephone contact with her. If I had no idea where she was or who she was with then I certainly would be calling the police!

runkid · 30/08/2006 11:46

Yes that is very true. Why does your daughter run away if you dont mind me asking. I am setting up a website as a support for parents in this situation along with all the other problems i thought it might help not to feel so alone and abandoned

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 30/08/2006 11:51

Spacecadet- it's taken ages for me to catch up with this thread and God it's been difficult reading .

I've had some traumas with ds1 but nothing on this scale, although we did come to blows a couple of times.I'm with the Custy school too and things have improved immensely. I feel for you and I'm thinking of you.

Anorak -your post way down at the beginning of this thread (11.19 26/8) is so true. I'm so sorry that dd2 has gone now too, I thought things were getting better. One day they will know that you did your absolute best for them and that the decisions they made weren't the right ones.

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 12:00

Support group website sounds a great idea runkid, I'll join up!

dd keeps running away "because she wants to hang out with her mates". Many of them are a few years older and have their own places to live. She runs off with her best friend (another 15 year old girl) and an older lad who is supporting them out of his dole money. It could be a lot, lot worse. Also I think the situation will change when the weather gets colder and the charity from friends runs out.

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 12:32

runkid-i would definitely be interested in your website.
molesworth-what a horrible situation though and at the end of the day, the police should bloody well care, shes 15, still a child technically..grrr

runkid · 30/08/2006 12:36

Would welcome ideas on what you would like to see on website apart from being able to chat to other families

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 12:38

ill have a think when ive had a good nights sleep..lol..seriously..im shattered from last night.
i guess, coping strategies would be nice, we could all pool our own coping techniques

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 12:40

Are you setting something up from scratch runkid, or using something like Yahoo Groups?

sydneygirl · 30/08/2006 12:50

Not sure if this has already been mentioned, but all schools now have Connexions Personal Advisers based within them. They offer one-to-one support on all issues, not just school issues, and it may give your DD a chance to speak to someone - a third party - on familiar ground. I've spent the past ten years working with teenagers and there is tonnes of support out there. Other organisations you could contact are Barnados, youth and community services, the local "bobby" who works with teens, Youth offending team (who will have loads of support contacts for either you or your DD). Your local Connexions centre could be a good place to start. Hope this helps, and really hope things get better for you.

Papillon · 30/08/2006 12:58

Hi All

I have been reading your thread because I feel for you all and I guess as some sort of warning system of what teengagers can get up to. I had a brother that just about turned my mothers hair white overnight. But in the long run things haved smoothed themselves out. They had to let him run his own course in the end, until he wised up really.

I would like to tentatively mention that I would be careful of too much police involvement. I have read of two families in the last year who decided to get the police involved and I hate to say, but their kids died whilst in being held by the police. One was beaten by cops, the other by a prisoner while being transported. My parents got an ex cop to talk to my brother and it enstrangled them further from my brother and he was bitter for years. It did nothing to stop his behaviour.

(((Anorak))) I am so sorry to hear your dd2 is now with the father.

Take care All

runkid · 30/08/2006 13:06

Starting website from scratch. I have to say the police are not all bad i have no choice otherwise SS are all over me for not cooperating. Thats a joke in its self

Molesworth · 30/08/2006 13:12

My experience of the police so far has been surprisingly positive: every policeman/woman I have dealt with has been 100% sympathetic. One policeman in particular sat with dd for over an hour just listening to her talk (this was after I had to call the police out at 2am when dd had hold of my hair and wouldn't let go!). Having said that, they have not been able to do anything of practical help at all, and the ones I have spoken to are aware of this and sorry that they can't be more helpful. The fact that they sympathise is helpful in itself though, from an emotional point of view.

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 13:24

sydneygirl-yes dd met with the connexions team.

runkid · 30/08/2006 13:25

That is the experience i have had also they are very sympathetic and they are also frustrated they cannot do more i suppose it depends on your own opinion of the police and the situation you are in.You have to do whats right at the end of the day

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 14:45

well dd got up, was perfectly civil to me..then went out.

Mum2FunkyDude · 30/08/2006 15:51

SpaceCadet

I haven't read today's post but just for your information, there is a story on channel 5 tonight at 9 called The Teen Tamer. It might be insightful to you and your situation. Hope things work out for you both at the end, it must be really hard being the parent and seeing your child self destruct.

Best whishes!

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 15:53

thanks M2FD-i ,may well be watching that!

generaldogsbody1 · 30/08/2006 17:17

hi there, I'm going through a similar thing atm. However I'm the wicked step mum. SDs behaviour has been atrocious(sp?) for 4 years. She will be 16 an a few weeks time and dp and i are waiting for her bm to trow her out. The unfortunate thing is that i will not have her here full time. this is due to her physical violence, drug and alcohol abuse, the risk she poses to my 4yo and 8 month old dss. I can understand you wanting to be rid of her (sorry if i worded it harshly) but you have to keep going for the sake of your dd.
as custy says YOU ARE THE MOTHER!!!!
My sds mother has mentally abused her children for many many years, she has been violent towards her dd, she has supplyed her dd with alcohol and drugs, what chance has this child got. my dp basically has not got a clue how to deal with her, he fears that she will dissapear and he will lose her, that, i'm afraid has already happened. SS are involved, as are various other organisations, they are as much use as a chocolate fire guard imo. they seem to reinforce all the negative behaviour by rescuing her from facing the concequences of her actions. for eg imagine yourself as the mother of teenage dd who has been left with a fractured jaw and cheek and more besides, would you be ok if said sd was not punnished???
my dp and i do not have the tools to deal with this young girl, we simply cannot cope. don't get me wrong contact will not be removed from her, she will be supported wherever she ends up, I'm pushing for supported accomodation, no doubt it will not be put in place for 16th bd. ss are dragging thier heels as per. i have posted on th step parenting board but i cant do links so if you want more back ground, its all there. under step mum about to explode, and, I have reached my limit this time. sorry to go on for ever, but this subject is very emotive for me. It gets me so angry that there is no taylored services for these seriously troubled youths

SpaceCadet · 30/08/2006 18:36

generaldogsbody-so sorry to hear about your nightmare..im guessing that you and dh were awarded residency.

runkid · 30/08/2006 19:21

GDB,I totally agree with the statement about the taylored services there is definetely a real need there seems to be more and more troubled young people. Hope everything works out

themoon66 · 30/08/2006 19:22

Hi all.. just dropped in to mention that there is a programme called The Teen Tamer on channel 5 at 9pm tonight, but I see someone has already mentioned it.