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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I'm done

999 replies

CouthyMow · 23/01/2014 11:03

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 17:52

There isn't a GP that will take my family on...we are too expensive - allergy meds for DS3, his £££ a week special formula and supplements, my ££ a week epilepsy meds, my painkillers, DS2's special asthma meds and nebuliser pods, his other meds, they HATE my family at my surgery, but even the health authority access thing can't find a surgery for my family that I can actually PHYSICALLY reach by public transport that ALSO has spaces AND is willing to take my expensive family on...

They told my current GP that despite me being massively out of area, they can't take my family off the books as there IS no alternative for my family!

Believe me, if I COULD change surgery, I bloody WOULD!!

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wetaugust · 06/02/2014 17:55

Couthy

You can let this go or you can kick up one hell of a stink about CAMHS refusal to assess. A young person who behaves in rhe way she does obviously has unmet mental health needs.

I would pick up a pen and start writing your letters of complaint. To Director of CAMHS, to YOTs, to SS, to PALS, to your MP. And I do mean write not ring /email. A letter still carries weight that more casual communications don't. A letter, especially if it's copied to a third paty, demands a response and is evidence.

My DS was seen by CAMHS until age 21 although they did try to kick him out at 16. I wrote a letter to CAMHS complaining about that intention and they continued to see him.

Without a formal diagnosis she is likely to be judged very unfairly and will probably end up very emeshed in the criminal justice system. With a diagnosis, there is the possibility of accessing help for her. I'm not pretending it wil be easy but a fresh concerted effort in writing now that things have deteriorated as far as they have must be worth a final attempt?

The past is irrelevant. Start afresh with all the agencies with whom she is now involved. A GP can make a tertiary referal to a specialist NHS diagnostic team. If they refuse to do that and CAMHS have already stated they don't dx then you should complain to PALS and your MP.

Don't let them get away with this.

wetaugust · 06/02/2014 17:56

We x-posted Couthy. So my advice is impossible?

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/02/2014 18:27

ok, so you cant change GP. Given the fact that she is now in foster care following being arrested, i cant see how your gp can simply refuse to refer her?

do as wetty suggests up thread - letters - to anyone and everyone - i wrote to my MP, i wrote to the LEA, i wrote to the governors at the school, i contacted IPSEA and ACE and NAS, i spoke to other parents who had been or were in the same boat, i got myself copies of codes or practice for how special needs should be handled in the education system....you need to start knocking down some doors and refusing to take no for an answer - and i know how flip that sounds - i really do - but god you have to be like a bloody dog with a bone - and that was BEFORE the budget cuts....i know its exhausting i honesty do, and i sense you are so near the edge....
one of the things i did was get a "befriender" to come and help me.

i would be making an appt every single day to see that gp.....every day. dig out what ever leaflets or bumf you were given when she was seen by the pead at the other practice you were with.

you gp cant stop you accessing help - its not up to him and his opinion doesnt matter.

if you get stonewalled then i would start threatening legal action. threaten, write, speak softly, carry a bloody big stick, look for laywers that specialise in educational law and disability discrimination. I know these cost - but you have 2 options.
1 - free first appointment and get as much advice as possible
2 - make your DD the "complainant" - when i did this my son got legal aid. this could be worth investigating if it comes to it - but sometimes a well worded letter making it very clear that you wont simply go away is enough to start the cogs moving.....

x

Lilka · 06/02/2014 18:29

Do you have any idea when you'll find out whether the FC placement will be extended for another week or not?

I do think wetaugusts advice is excellent

How big is the surgery? Any chance of one of the GP's being more likely to make a referral than the others, or not?

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/02/2014 18:36

oh and another idea - its jsut an idea.

when i was at the end of my tether i started ringing various psychologists with specialism in ASD and asking about private assessment - some of them were absolutely lovely and offered all kinds of help - one said he would take payment in installments, another said he could not bear the thought of us being left and said we could sort something out but he didnt want money to stop DS getting assessed.....if you start to ring about and talk to people they can be so kind and there may be a way....

its that or fight on - letters, advice, legal advice, being that proverbial squeaky wheel....

CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:19

If I only had to fight for one, it would be possible. I'm fighting for THREE DC's right now, and all the while my own health is rapidly failing. Tbh, it's getting to the point physically where if I try to keep going at the pace I have been for the last 15 years, I'll be wheelchair bound. I'm not far off now.

There's only the one GP in my practice currently.

He HATES me, and keeps blaming every physical symptom I have on the depression I had 17 years ago. Even when I needed LLETZ - THAT was blamed on my historic depression.

I'm not bloody depressed, I'm exhausted.

I am at the point where I actually KNOW I'm just going yo grind to an utter halt, hospitalised with exhaustion soon.

I don't know how many battles one parent is meant to be able to fight against the system, when they aren't fully fit themselves.

I am NOT depressed though - I just need to be alone, in a room, asleep, no appointments.

The longest I have gone in the last three years without an appointment is 10 days. I can't do this any more, I'm on the edge physically, my body is failing, my thyroid is fucked but not fucked enough for meds from the NHS, I've been having heavy fortnightly periods for the last 6 months, I am still having seizures, I take 1,200mg/day Gabapentin, max dose of prescription strength cocodamol three days on, three days off, and 1000mg/day naproxen.

I'm killing myself trying to do what my DC's need, and the help just isn't there. Sad

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:22

And the GP surgery is two buses, 1hr journey, right across town. How do you get THERE every day when I have appointments every day, sometimes two, and I get complained to because I can't fucking FLY to a third appointment on a day because it's convenient for whatever HCP wants to book that day, when I have 3 school runs a day to do too!

I spend £30 a week on taxis alone, just getting to and from Hospital appointments, that I can't actually GET TO on time by bus, and I don't qualify for Hospital transport because I'm not over 60...

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:24

Gap got pissed off because I refused to accept anti-D's, and requested Counselling if he thought I was depressed...

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:24

Gap = GP

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:27

I can't even find time to book an appointment for myself for the GP to inspect my chuff again, seeing as blood tests haven't explained why I'm having two periods every fucking month. He won't prescribe Spatone for me, I can't take iron tabs TMI but I can't poo if I take iron tabs, so I even have to pay for my own Spatone.

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ThatVikRinA22 · 06/02/2014 20:28

sorry couthy im just trying to make suggestions, but im out of ideas if none of them are any use.

i cant think of anything else useful to say. Sad

CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:29

Even the SW today threw her hands up & can't understand how I manage to cope...she admitted to not understanding why the SW from the CIN case last year closed the case without offering any ongoing support.

The answer is simply money.

I don't beat, starve, abuse or neglect my DC's, so until I actually DO drop dead, there's not going to be fuck all to help...

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:35

That's the thing, Vicar - there isn't anything I HAVEN'T tried in the last 15 years. There really ISN'T.

IPSEA told me two years ago that my LA have been taken to court repeatedly about their blanket levels for assessment for a statement, and the only way to get DD assessed would be to do the same.

Only solicitor willing to do it pro bono (yes, I did go that far) was the other dude of London and I couldn't get the Childcare or afford the transport.

DD can't do it herself until she has left the education system. And I won't get legal aid for it now, as there's not legal aid FOR this any more.

I'm right back where I was at the start of this thread...I'm done!

I just don't know what else to do. Either Monday coming, or the Monday after, I'm going to be left with no choice but to have DD back, as SS will not fund FC after that.

Then the only real input will be 12 weeks from Dbit plus whatever YOTS do. Because SS WILL close the case at the first possible opportunity once DD is home.

How much 'more' am I meant to have in reserve?! It's GONE.

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:37

I'm tired. That sounds so trite and whiny, but it's true. The last time I slept a full night was before DD was born.

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yegodsandlittlefishes · 06/02/2014 20:37

I am shocked that your DD is not getting treatment from MH services, Couthy. Beating, starving, abusing or neglecting DCs is not why those that do get help get it though. MH services are full to the brim with patients who are really very ill.

CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 20:42

I KNOW that. I really do. But that doesn't mean that DD doesn't NEED some help too.

They can't even guarantee any further sessions with the Junction (Charity thing that deals with cases below those CAHMS have the budget for). She got 6 sessions, not tailored to her specific issues, and that was BEFORE she went into FC.

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flow4 · 06/02/2014 22:00

It's a pile of pants, couthy. A great big one. Angry

Either next Monday or the one after, you are going to have to choose the Least Worst option. You are either going to have to have her back and deal with it all, or you are going to have to point-blank refuse. Fuknose how you decide, other than to follow your gut instincts about what you can or simply cannot cope with.

lookingforbaubles · 06/02/2014 22:18

contact a family have a good reputation for help/advice/support ??

www.cafamily.org.uk

0808 808 3555

wetaugust · 06/02/2014 22:57

Couthy

I know you're tired. I was tired too when I had to fight 'the system' as a single parent. I was so ill I was signed off work for 2 months. But I tried every avenue to get DS the dx and help he needed. If you continue to believe that you have exhausted every avenue you will get nowhere.

You need to prioritise. The most pressing need at the moment is your DD's. The rest of the family wil have to wait. I had to prioritise when DS when acutely unwell and in hospital.

You keep harping back to 'years ago'. Things have changed. It really is worth another shot at this. I could not sit back and let them do this to me.

And the GP surgery is two buses, 1hr journey, right across town. How do you get THERE every day when I have appointments every day, sometimes two, and I get complained to because I can't fucking FLY to a third appointment on a day because it's convenient for whatever HCP wants to book that day, when I have 3 school runs a day to do too!

That alone should be a cause for complaint to your local PALS as it is not reasonable to expect any patient to trvel that far to see their GP. Our GP and all the others in the area have very small catchmnet areas. They would not take someone who had to use 2 buses to see them. A new GP would give you the chance to establish a new relationship with your GP. If PALS can't get you into a new GP's practice then complain strongly to your MP in writing.

GPs cannot refuse to take people based on the fact they need high levels of care and expensive drugs. They simply cannot do it and that has been estbalished in law. I simply don't see why you cannot say to PALS that the current geographical distance is untenable and you demand a closer GP and ask them to put their reasons in writing back to you should it not be possible to register at the GP of your choice. At the very least a caring GP would help you overcome some of your own helath problems. I doubt very much if anyone has bigger health needs than me at the moment and I changed GPs a few months ago.

A few other possibiities:

Your DD is curently living in a different area. She could register with a GP in that area - albeit temporarily.

Your DD has a father who appears to be married to a very able woman who has experience in this area. OK - he's a long way away geographically, but he too could write letters on his DD's behalf. He doesn't have to be in your area to do that.

As I said, my first complaint would be to PALs complaining that CAMHS have refused to see my daughter who has mental health needs as evidenced by the fact that she had to be removed from my house by the Police and has faced Youth Courtm yet does not warrant a CAMHS assessment of her difficulties, which are lobg-standing. And copy the letter to CAMHS and to your MP.

How long would that take? A couple of hours?

Worth a try surely.

And if you're on a roll write to the GP of your choice requesting registraion and if they cannot register you then ask for their reasons in writing so you can take the matter up with PALS. FFS they cannot all be full all the time. Patients do get ill/old and die. They do keep waiting lists.

You cannot just accept the status quo.

CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 23:37

Wetaugust - DD's ISN'T the only urgent issue. I have a 3yo who I am fighting tooth and nail to get a statement for because without FT 1-2-1, he will just be unable to attend ANY educational setting whatsoever.

I have a 10yo who needs thrice-daily Physio to try yo prevent him needing to go back into the wheelchair that he has only been out of for 5 years - and it's not working, and I actually need to find a Secondary school that can cope with his physical issues. Without a statement, as he doesn't meet the behavioural OR educational criteria.

So no, I CAN'T just continue to prioritise DD as I have done for her entire life (and I HAVE, even to the detriment of 10yo DS2's statementing needs tbh), without ALSO putting DS2 and DS3's educational/medical needs on AT LEAST an equal footing with DD's now, and without putting DS1's emotional needs on AT LEAST an equal footing with DD's - HE'S also having counselling, for different reasons (connected to HIS dad's ex partner, and the violence he has had to deal with from DD for HIS ENTIRE LIFE).

I can't KEEP sacrificing them for DD - they NEED me to have them on an equal footing with DD, WetAugust.

DS2 AND DS3 ALSO have Autistic Traits...

WTF do you suggest I do?!

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 23:38

DD's Dad also has moderate LD's. Hence him being a SAHP to his other 2 DC's. He's never been able to pass his driving test...

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CouthyMow · 06/02/2014 23:44

And yes, I KNOW it seems like I am just putting obstacles in front of your suggestions...but these ARE my RL obstacles to fixing things. I have tried PALS. The ONLY surgery they CAN offer me is one a 45 minute walk away (would take 15 mins for a fit, healthy person...) up a VERY steep hill. That I cannot physically manage, and neither can my DS2 or DS3. And there is NO bus service from where I live to that surgery. But that's the only one being offered to us, on the basis that it's the third closest to my address in distance.

PALS have discharged their duty as far as they are concerned, as they have suggested the only surgery with spaces that is willing to take us.

The fact that it is actually physically impossible for me to fucking GET TO is irrelevant, apparently.

How do I fix THAT?!

I HAVE done what I can there, staying at my old crappy surgery was the 'least worst' of two bad options...

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ThatVikRinA22 · 07/02/2014 00:40

dont shout me down - im just throwing stuff out there so if its no good then its no good....
but
the surgery offered was a 15 min walk for an able bodied person....would it be possible to take that surgery and get a taxi?
im thinking it would be a 5 min car journey.....if you are not in the stix?

are you claiming everything you entitled to with all the kids being disabled plus yourself?

could it be just an idea to speak with the practice manager of that surgery and ask if they would be willing to refer?

i didnt speak to the doctor initially - i called the practice manager first....
worth a shot?? just to put some feelers out?

wetaugust · 07/02/2014 00:42

I can't seem to post so testing.