I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

Vic, that's my last resort, I'm haemorrhaging cash on cab fares, but the situation is getting desperate r.e. Crappy GP. I need to get my own current investigations finished, rather than have to start them again and explain to another GP exactly why he can shove his Mirena coil up his behind, but I have set a date of mid-March and if that's not completed, I'm going to HAVE to change.

Yep, getting everything benefits wise that I CURRENTLY can. Can reapply for DLA at the end of March, if I close down my existing one that's been waiting for a tribunal date since October. When I get to the 6-month mark of waiting for a tribunal date, it's easier to just close that claim down and put in a new one!

Only issue there us that it will be PIP rather than DLA, and I may not qualify anyway...

It's just a case of not knowing where to shit even more taxi fares from, when my current crappy Surgery can be accessed for free, though with time/logistics issues, on my bus pass...

I'm actually starting to wonder if a) I was a dictator on a former life, and Karna really IS a bitch, or b) I stood in life's shitty stick queue far too many times...

well while you still have your sense of humour your doing ok....i do remember what it feels like to keep getting doors shut in your face one after the other....i do sympathise. its bloody hard work.

sounds like a good idea to me re the GP surgery....it cant be any worse....maybe you could explain that any appointments for the family need to be together so you only need to get one taxi per job lot ?

i know its never that simple.....

i reckon you need to deal with one thing at once.
change gp. tick.
ask for referral. tick.
complain. complain and complain some more in writing....copy to everyone and anyone. CAHMS. PALS. MP. LEA. YOT. SS. all of em. both barrels.
(i did this. i just didnt follow through to SENDIST....which in hindsight was a mistake)

when you have 10 mins....ring around and talk to psyches with experience in the field of ASD and PDA....just talk to them....ask them questions, ask them how you would access their services if you cant pay in one lump.....never hurts to talk..... tick

look at legal advice.....just look. i got loads of info just talking to a solicitor on the phone - free of charge. tick.

just make a list of things to do....prioritise them. and just make a start....plough on through the crap. change your name to
couthytenaciousmow.....

and i would make a list for each child.
start with dd....she is in a critical situation - you only have weeks until you are going to end up back at square one....with her at home.

so she would be priority number one right now simply because its so time critical.

you could do with an advocate from a disability advice service to just bolster you up a bit....it is knackering. its knackering with one child with SN....let alone a few.

have or and sleep....

(yes i know exactly what you are thinking!)....but things seem so much bleaker when you are physically and mentally exhausted)

^Can reapply for DLA at the end of March, if I close down my existing one that's been waiting for a tribunal date since October. When I get to the 6-month mark of waiting for a tribunal date, it's easier to just close that claim down and put in a new one!

Only issue there us that it will be PIP rather than DLA, and I may not qualify anyway...^

It would be better to wait for the Tribunal because if you win your appeal they will backdate your claim, whereas as if you start afresh with PIP you are starting a new claim from scratch.

I felt I needed to respond to you lasr night as you had addressed so many points to me personally but I cannot physically post the response I prepared. Vic has covered the points anyway.

Were you to spend a day focusing on the GP issue and writing complaint letters that will enale you to register elsewhere you may find that improved care for your own medical problems helps your own overall wellbeing and reinvigorates you to take on more of this nonsense that seems to fill your life.

I would not worry about changing GPs in respect of medical tests / results etc. It's all computerised these days. It's quite possible to change while acutely and seriously ill. I changed shortly after my time in intensive care when I literally had appointments almost every day for different tests.

Don't accept obstacles - challenge them.

I've been lurking intermittently on this thread - haven't read it all so please forgive me if what I'm saying is daft.

A couple of people have suggested writing to your MP. Could you manage to go and see him/her? Sometimes they can put pressure where it counts.

Can you ask for a family conference I'm having issues with my ds and we have had an initial meeting with the person running it today he was very very supportive is your dd behaviour effecting your other dcs at school because ask them for a report as well

Are you eligible for a mobility scooter that would allow you to access the new GP you have been offered. Obviously it wouldn't help with the dc but would give you more freedom while they are at school.

Mobility scooter? On the NHS? Here?!

Lol.

I'm still waiting for my additional banister from the equipment service, and a seat for my wet room. I've got a perch stool in the kitchen and bars for my upstairs loo.

If I need to use a mobility scooter, I either have to BUY one, or get into town (how do I get there in the first place?!), hire one, go all the way TO the (potential new) GP, and then do the same again in reverse.

And I can't push DS3's Mac Major if I'm in a mobility scooter...or DS2's wheelchair...OT STILL haven't come up with a way for me to push 10yo DS2 in his wheelchair that really needs to be joined to DS3's Mac Major, whilst having mobility issues myself...

DD is coming here for a couple of hours tomorrow evening, for first face-to-face contact since 26th Jan.

SW has told me I'm likely to get the extra week in FC to get appointments set up.

I DO have to pay the victim surcharge of £15. Here is the letter I received :

HM Courts & Tribunals Service

Essex Magistrates' Courts

Dear CouthyMow,

RE : Victim Surcharge regarding CouthyMow's DD

The Court must impose victim surcharge on a youth, when imposing a referral order. It is £15 where a defendant is under 16. Court must order parent to pay even if parent is the Victim. The Magistrates have already queried the rational (sic) behind this, however, they have been instructed, that whatever their opinion they must impose it , as it is a mandatory legal requirement.

Yours faithfully,

XXXXX

Duty Legal
Essex Magistrates' Courts

I think I'm going to end up with the bill for her solicitor too.

Police assured me that I wouldn't have to pay if they arrested DD for Criminal Damage.

PAH!

Parents in this situation basically have NO legal protection any more.

If the offence happens in the home, it will be deemed by the Legal Aid Board "not to be in the public interest", so there will be no legal aid paid to cover the costs if the legal representation that the MINOR is 'technically' legally allowed to request, WITHOUT the permission of the poor sod (PARENT) that will end up footing the bill, DESPITE being the victim.

And then to add insult to injury, the victim legally has to pay the victim surcharge when the child responsible is under 16.

So even if your under 16yo teen stabs you, or seriously assaults you, you will end up paying their legal costs AND the victim surcharge DESPITE BEING THE VICTIM.

So the parent has the option of being assaulted / having younger DC's assaulted / having their house trashed and smashed OR getting into debt in order to have the police remove the child...

THE LAW IS AN ASS!

Couthy, have you considered contacting a journalist?

There SO needs to be more public discussion about support for those of us who are being domestically abused by our children.

Couthy, that decision about victim surcharge is SOOO palpably absurd, that a journalist, pro-bono lawyer and/or MP will be interested. IF you have the energy to take this particular battle on as well. :( If not, perhaps you can make the costs more palatable by telling yourself it's the price you're paying to finally get DD appropriate support.

And yes Mini, there so does.

I agree. I did think about contacting Journalists yesterday, but decided against it. You only need look at what happened to a Riven to see why it's not such a good idea. And I don't want to involve DD in a media circus.

It's all well and good looking at a £15 cost as the cost of getting DD some support, but if I am landed with her legal fees too, which looks increasingly likely, it's going to push me into life being financially unviable - I'll have bailiffs out, as there's just no goddamn way for me to pay it...

I can't request that DD's solicitor challenges / appeals the decision over legal aid not being paid because I'm the victim, so they can't talk to me about the details of DD's case.

So that leaves me with a 15yo unable to do it due to her LD's, as she needs an adult to do that for her, but the only adult that CAN do it is someone with PR for DD...and I'm the ONLY person with PR...

What did the Children's Law Centre say?

Children's Legal* Centre. Sorry.

Couthy - could you post something is Legal as I'm sure your DD isn't the first child with LDs who has needed an advocate in court when her interests potentially conflict with the interests of her parent.

Waiting for the Children's Legal Centre to get back to me, once they've decided whether or not this is within their remit yo deal with.

(You have to ring them, explain the situation, and then they go and talk about it and decide if they can take it on)

I'll keep my fingers crossed. It does seem very unfair that your DD is subject to the law, but without the appropriate support to ensure her interests are protected.

Although TBH there is nothing about this thread which is fair to your DD, you or the rest of your family.

I agree...

DD popped round to use the loo! She's coming back round later for dinner, doing one she really likes, fajitas.

She's up town with her mates, but has a 'thing' about using public toilets, so she's always come home for the loo.

Her boyfriend is having a driving lesson today!

I hope you have a good meal together and enjoy each others company.

What was said above re an advocate, I know it's different and I don't know how it works for children. Adults who are assessed as not having capacity under the Mental Health Act and do not have family to represent them are entitled to be represented by an IMCA (Independent Mental Capacity Advocate).

I know it's not education but wonder if IPSEA might be able to point you in the right direction ?

This dropped off my threads I'm on for some reason, even though I've got threads from days ago in there?!

DD behaved, she enjoyed her fajitas. She was angling for money from me, but I had none to give! She has been a lot more open with me about her friends, and boyfriend, and has even put his phone number into my mobile! He texted her back on my phone after she texted him on there (hers was out of battery) and he asked her to say hello to me.

Maybe the FC is getting through to DD where I can't?

I think it is a universal truth that teenagers listen to other people's parents/any other adult before they will listen to their parent. Even if the words they are saying are identical.

I really hope that things will work out. A change of environment can be so therapeutic for everyone.
Good luck CouthyMow. You have coped incredibly well through all of this.

What choice do I have but to cope? I have 3 younger DC's who need me not to fall apart. If DD was an only, I probably WOULD have fallen apart. But DS1 needs me emotionally, he's spending a lot of time with me since DD has been in FC.

He kicked off just as DD got here, getting all tearful and angry and rude with me because I asked him to stir the dinner - a pretty usual occurrence, for me to ask whoever is handy to help me whilst I wash up.

Don't know why he reacted that way to DD being here - he's been saying he misses her, yet acting more relaxed with her not in the house?

It wasn't as if she was here for ages either, only 2 hours, so I understandably wanted to spend a little time with her. She behaved herself too, no kicking off or anything.

I also have to stay strong for DS2 and DS3, who need me because of their disabilities.

So falling apart isn't an option, even if some days I feel like giving in, I just CAN'T.