I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

And I can easily show I can work a till - I've been an assistant manager in my last job, before the shop shut down at short notice because the owner couldn't have organised a piss up in a brewery...

Anyhow. DD was a bit 'naughty' for the FC yesterday. She had arranged to go to the cinema, to see a 15 film, but she didn't have I.D, and neither did her friend. So instead of calling the FC to ask to be picked up, she buggered off with her friend, only calling the FC when it was time to be picked up. So nobody had any clue where DD was. Apparently they had gone round DD's older boyfriend's house.

And DD pointed out to me that I was a bit hypocritical to be saying that her boyfriend is too old for her by asking me how much older than me her Dad was, and how old I was when I started seeing him.

I had to grudgingly admit her point - the age gap is almost exactly the same, and I was almost exactly DD's age when we started seeing each other...

I'm unsure how to deal with that one. All I felt I could tell Dd was that when I was her age, I reacted and felt exactly as she does about being told I couldn't see him, but now I'm old and decrepit, I can understand everyone else's point, that he WAS too old for me at the time, and looking back, I can see that there was a huge difference between a child in the last year of school, and a 17, going on 18yo almost adult, who has been working and at College for over a year, and is learning to drive.

I explained to her that the people who didn't want me to see her Dad were only doing that because they cared for me, even though I couldn't see it at the time, as I'm sure she doesn't. I even joked that I will remind her of this when she has teenagers...

I hope I dealt with that the right way, God knows, it's such a minefield, and tbh, she DOES have a point!

CAHMS are due any minute. Will update after appointment.

Gosh - she's too bright by half . Sounds like you handled talking about your relationship with her dad very well.

Good luck with CAHMS.

CAHMS wanted to talk about her early life...and MY upbringing. God knows how my shit childhood is relevant, I dealt with that long ago. Yes, I had a crap childhood. Which is mostly the reason why my mother has very limited, supervised contract with the DC's for just a couple of hours on their birthdays and at Christmas...

Yes, it does mean that I have done things differently than my parents. It'd be harder to make more of a hash of things than they did!

I have another appointment with CAHMS next week so they can tell me what they have decided to do, but apparently self-harm isn't necessarily seen as serious enough to get CAHMS intervention unless it involves attempted suicide, due to recent budgetary constraints.

So it looks like help might not be forthcoming from CAHMS. At least not until or unless DD attempts suicide. Super. Because obviously, it makes so much sense to leave teens until way BEYOND MH crisis point rather than to intervene when they are showing signs of MH difficulties...

The lady from CAHMS was very apologetic, and says that a couple of years ago, self harm would definitely have met the criteria for CAHMS support, but now they can't look at that in isolation...

God, I hate these budget cuts. It was hard enough to get the help needed before them, never mind now. And MH services, especially for teens, were chronically underfunded 17/18 years ago when I was a teen, let alone now...

Well, just had a call from CAHMS, they can't offer her any help because her MH issues 'aren't severe enough'.

They've referred their info on to Dbit, in the hope that they can offer some support - but from when I met with Dbit, their aim is to repair the relationship between me & DD with a view to her returning home as soon as possible.

There doesn't seem like there's ANYONE who can help me with helping DD to understand her emotions and how to deal with them in a way that doesn't adversely affect my other DC's.

So I'm left with the thoughts that either I have to 'abandon' DD to the FC system in order to protect my younger DC's, especially DS1, or have her home and be right back to square one and being unable to protect my other DC's from her violent, aggressive rages.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW ??!!

There just isn't the help available. I feel like I'm being asked to sacrifice the happiness of one of my DC's for the happiness of the other, no matter WHICH option I choose!

I've got to go and sort out some more clothes for DD, as the SW will be picking them up to take on to her FC later.

I think I'm broken now.

Whose happiness do I sacrifice? DD's, or DS1's? And not forgetting that DD's violent rages scare DS2 and DS3 as well.

I don't think I know where to turn from here.

Oh love this is horrific!

OK, my initial thoughts would be to keep DD in FC and keep good contact with her, tell her she needs to work through her problems in a supported way out of the home as her behaviours are too extreme for her younger siblings. This fracture family set up might be the only way to ensure everyone's safety? If she was to stay in FC and the FCs were to witness her behaviours in a more sustained way, do you think that might trigger more support?

Initial thoughts, and of course I am not emotionally invested in this, and cannot for a minute imagine how difficult this all it.

Hugs.

Good contact is subjective - I can't drive due to epilepsy, DD is in the only suitable placement, which is rural, and I rarely have Childcare to get to see her after school hours, especially as it would involve TWO bus journeys each way. And that begs the question of what I do with my other 3 DC's whilst I am seeing DD...

There ISN'T suitable Childcare for DS3. Ex MIL can do school hours only due to the fact that SHE lives rurally and doesn't drive, so is limited by her very limited bus service.

So 'good' contact is unlikely. I could probably align all the planets and manage once a week after school and POSSIBLY a weekend visit, though that would be more likely EOW, when the two younger DS's are with their dad...

I haven't yet HAD face-to-face contact as we haven t even had the placement planning meeting due to the fact that the FC's Social Worker was off on annual leave until today. I've been talking to Dd on the phone every evening, but that's all I've had since she went into FC over a week ago.

Surely there has to be reasonable efforts made by the SW team to make sure DD sees you, so her in a taxi to you?

I am sure someone more knowledgeable than me will be along to advise you, hopefully these are issues that you can raise with the SW?

Paragraph 16 of Schedule 2 of the 1989 Children Act gives local authorities the power to make payments in respect of travelling, subsistence or other expenses incurred by anyone visiting the child.

Your LA will have their policies published on their website - just google.

It's not even the cost - I have a bus pass on the grounds of my disability. I have the younger DC's and no Childcare after school hours for them, until my Ex finishes work and gets across town. He gets here around 5.30- 6pm, depending on the buses. It's bloody logistics, as per usual in my life!!

I've had a brief word with the SW about it when she picked up DD's clothes, but she's going to speak to me in the next day or two.

If it was money, that would be far easier to solve than Childcare for a DC with SN's that require FT 1-2-1 even at preschool...

The location of the FC, combined with my inability to drive, not 'knowing' people that run a car, and bring unable to source Childcare outside of school hours for a 3yo with multiple SN's are the difficulties, not the cost of a bus fare!

And if I have contact at home, what happens if DD kicks off at one of the others again...it's the reason she's in FC in the first place. I'd be putting my younger DC's at risk by having the contact at home, surely?!

God, this is so difficult.

Ask SS to provide childcare while you visit your DD. OK it may need to be more than one person who provides that care as your youngest needs 1:1 but the guidance says 'other expenses incurred in visiting the child'. Child care for your other children to enable you to make that visit could be a reasonable 'other' expense.

CouthyMow Tue 04-Feb-14 13:15:10
"Well, just had a call from CAHMS, they can't offer her any help because her MH issues 'aren't severe enough'."

I can't believe this!!!! on your behalf!!

From everything you you've told us she is in far more need of help than dd (who did admittedly attempt suicide a couple of times but didn't have the massive other problems your dd has). Dd got help because she was a danger to herself- your dd is not only a danger to herself but also to you and to her younger siblings. I just don't get how they're thinking.

Anyway, I think you have to stay very firm here: insist that your dd is currently a danger to her younger siblings and that you cannot see her at home- then leave it for them to sort out how/when you do see her. Agree with others that it would not be a bad thing if she were to kick off at the FC's. But it may take some time.

I know, it's just so bloody frustrating.

I think we have 'provisionally' pencilled in the placement planning meeting for Thursday morning, provided we can get everyone else there then. I'm going to discuss contact then.

I can't do morning, too early to get anyone else to do the school runs, Ex-MIL's first bus out of nher village doesn't leave until after DS2 has to be at school and DS3 has to be at preschool. I think I have managed to sort out a Thursday after school one week with my Ex-MIL, and a Tuesday after school the other week, with my Ex, on a fortnightly basis, and I can do EOW.

Even the lady from CAHMS seemed very frustrated, she wishes she had the choice of who to help, but she doesn't control the budget unfortunately.

I will have to see what happens in the placement planning meeting and the next appointment with Dbit.

On the plus side, she's actually doing her Maths homework for the FC. And accepting their help. When she won't accept help from me.

It is indeed a shit system MaryZ. I was hoping miraculously for that to have improved since I was a teen, but nope, it's got even worse.

The lack of support is really stressful. Parents don't ask for help until they're already really, really desperate. And to then find there isn't any is utterly terrifying. :(

Terrifying IS just about the right description.

God knows what to do next, Flow.

Placement planning meeting booked for tomorrow morning, SW going to pick me up, drive me to the FC's, and drive me home after.

They are going to look at alternative routes to get DD some MH support.

That sounds hopeful. :)

I found that all I could do was hang on in there and try to look after myself as much as my kids. I gave up asking after agency no. 8 or 9 said they couldn't help us. A lot of stresses reduced or vanished naturally as time passed, as he turned 16, then 17, then 18...

It made me ill(er) though (I have health problems and disabilities too). I have this theory that the money they think they're saving by cutting CAMHS is in fact more than spent dealing with parents, mostly mothers, who get ill trying to hold it all together without support.

Oh, definitely, Flow. I'm utterly exhausted. Am also having to deal with LA over DS3's move for next year, pondering continuing at his (excellent) preschool, with FT 1-2-1, or going to the (by all accounts, of parents with DC's with SN's, equally excellent) School Nursery.

Lots of things to consider - he will be with a bunch of 2yo's when he's 4 at the preschool, but he is unlikely to get total FT 1-2-1 at school nursery, and I'm not sure he's ready for being in a school nursery environment. That's oversimplifying the issues MASSIVELY, but lots and lots to consider.

And the preschool need a final decision by half term...

Then there's the not so insignificant issue of DD's College SN help that I'm trying to sort, as SA+ vanishes in September, and I can't get the LA to even assess for a Statement, and not enough energy to go the IPSEA route...again...when I'm busy trying to organise DS3's Statement anyway.

Added to which, I'm trying to find the right Secondary school to deal with DS2's physical disabilities, as he's currently in Y5...