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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm done

999 replies

CouthyMow · 23/01/2014 11:03

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

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PacificDogwood · 28/01/2014 22:17
Grin Oh my, light banter on your thread Shock
nilbyname · 28/01/2014 22:32

Fist pump for you couthy!!! Who whoop!

The road to recovery. Best wishes.

Original poster
CouthyMow · 28/01/2014 22:48

I'm feeling a little more 'normal' knowing that DD is ok and has started to accept that she needs some help - I know myself that getting THEM to realise they need some help is the first step...

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Original poster
CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 10:55

DS1 is missing DD, despite being the brunt of a lot of her violence. I'm unsure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing - it shows he still loves his sister, but I think he is minimising the effects her behaviour has on him BECAUSE she is his sister IYSWIM.

I think DS1 and DS2 are going to need some support too...

Have to go and rescue DS3, he's off school with his cold and is rearranging my kitchen cupboards.

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TheOneWithTheHair · 29/01/2014 11:10

Couthy I've just read your thread with shock, horror and awe.

Shock at what your whole family unit has had to deal with alone.

Horror at the way the people who have meant to be helping you have behaved.

Awe at what an amazing woman you are! You have so much strength and your love for all your dcs shines through. I wish you all the strength you need for your continuing battles and I'm glad dd at least should be getting some help.

Bloody well done. Thanks

Original poster
CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 21:17

Parent's evening tonight. Did battle with the school, and it looks like they WILL let her drop health & social care - there is no way now for her to achieve a grade at all, and the time would be better used to move her Maths grade from a G to an F - she only needs to find 15 marks across two papers to get an F.

Spoken to DD, and she's broached the question of wanting to see her 17.5yo boyfriend. I told her that that decision was out of my hands, and that I would discuss that with the SW tomorrow.

She did say that she would be VERY ANGRY if she wasn't allowed to see him, but I explained that he is overage, and SS might take a dim view of that right now.

We shall see how the next few days go...

Placement seems to be ok, FC picked up school uniform this evening. I assume that they have found a solution to whoever is going to pay her transport costs. (The LA and school were 'debating' that one...)

So she's going back to school tomorrow.

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Original poster
CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 21:18

Oh - and DD has had her CAHMS assessment, but no results back yet. Also Dbit (the intervention team) are sending out a worker with the SW tomorrow.

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TallGiraffe · 29/01/2014 21:38

This is all sounding very positive - so pleased things are moving in the right direction.

ExcuseTypos · 29/01/2014 21:51

So glad school actually listened to you about the Health & Social care. I expect your dd will be pleased!

Original poster
CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 21:54

She sounded relieved rather than pleased, when I told her. I think schools underestimate exam stress on all pupils, but even more so for those with SEN.

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ExcuseTypos · 29/01/2014 22:03

You're right Couthy about the exam stress. I've had 2dds who've gone through it all and it's all too much- for them and usWink

bubby64 · 30/01/2014 01:16

Couthy - sitting here reading the whole thread through after my 13yoDS had a horrific meltdown earlier resulting in a damaged beyond repair doorframe because I have confiscated his pad because of head teacher ringing me to say he was on report at school for not doing homework(yet again), and also because i cant afford to send him and his twin on a £800+ school trip. Nothing like you have been through tho... From you description of being in Britains oldest recorded town, I am guessing I am just across the border to the south of you, DH comes from that town. If I am correct, and you need any practicle support, please feel free to PM me, I work tomorrow (oh, its already today!) and Friday am, annd Monday,but am free this weekend and Tue, Weds if its of any help, meanwhile, (((hugs))) to you, and I so admire how you have managed to stay so strong all the way through this.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 30/01/2014 09:19

Really hope all this is going to help you and your dd. Plus dss of course.

You've been fantastic. It must've felt like trudging through treacle?

Original poster
CouthyMow · 30/01/2014 10:09

Trudging through treacle is a very apt description...

CAHMS just phoned. They were ready to come out and see me on Monday, but the earliest mutually convenient appointment time is Thursday morning.

If DD only had her assessment yesterday, surely that says that either absolutely NOTHING is wrong with her (I fear that's rather unlikely), OR that there is something so glaringly obvious that it can't be missed?

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nilbyname · 30/01/2014 11:36

Oh couthy, good god, it's all so daunting.

Hope the cahms results are a trigger to comprehensive support.

How's the studying going?

Original poster
CouthyMow · 30/01/2014 11:53

Oh FSS!! DD has been refused legal aid to cover the costs of her representation. Does that mean that I am going to be liable for the costs of her solicitor IH HER CASE OF CRIMINAL DAMAGE WHERE I WAS THE FUCKING VICTIM??!!

She's still under 16, so still a minor, and as I still have PR for her, that would make me liable for the costs, wouldn't it?!

I have rung YOTS to confirm whether I will be liable for the costs or not - surely they can't make the victim pay the legal costs when they other person has got a conviction for it?! They aren't sure, they are going to talk to someone more senior and get back to me...

It's like someone smashing up a shop and then the shopkeeper having to pay the costs for the person who damaged their shop...

Sometimes I just want to yell WTF!!

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NigellasDealer · 30/01/2014 12:00

Does that mean that I am going to be liable for the costs of her solicitor IH HER CASE OF CRIMINAL DAMAGE WHERE I WAS THE FUCKING VICTIM
well as the police station would not even share with you, as a parent, what was going on with your daughter, because you were the victim, I would say no way! they cannot have it both ways couthy

Maryz · 30/01/2014 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CouthyMow · 30/01/2014 14:31

Who would that be? YOTS haven't called me back yet, DD's SW doesn't seem to know, Dbit don't seem to know...

Aargh!

I'm going to ignore that worry though, and celebrate the small success that DS3 has been awarded HRC DLA for another year. Small mercies...

DD is going to go SPARE later - she will be told that as she is still underage, she cannot see her boyfriend on Friday...

I wish the FC's much love. ThanksWine

She WILL be allowed to attend Youth Club on Sunday, as long as the transport can be sorted.

The iPod I was trying to sort for DD is broken, so I can't send her anything yo listen to music on. I'm frustrated at that as I know that it would make her feel better.

DD HAS gone to school today, albeit late because the taxi didn't turn up and the FC had to drive her there. Hopefully just teething troubles...

Dbit seems, well , I don't know, like they wanted me to know what I wanted to have DD back home, and what I needed from them...how do you answer such a nebulous question?!

I want DD to get the help and support she needs.
I want DD to be happy.
I want my other DC's to be happy.
I DON'T want my other DC's to be scared in their own home.
NO VIOLENCE.
I want some basic respect that DD lives in a household with other people in, and that her needs are equal to, but not more than theirs .
(And unfortunately, ALL my DC's have greater than average needs, in one way or another.)

And it would be nice if she could follow the house rules, within reason.

Don't know how they can do all that, with a DC that isn't likely to may not fully engage, in just 12 weeks...

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jinglebellsarecoming · 30/01/2014 14:53

About to pm you

CinnabarRed · 30/01/2014 15:21

DD is going to go SPARE later - she will be told that as she is still underage, she cannot see her boyfriend on Friday...

TBH, that may not be a bad thing. The more people who can evidence her issues to CAMHS, the better.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2014 15:38

DD's and the other DCs' happiness are out of your hands to a large extent Sad.

What you need is your own happiness and an orderly home where nobody runs scared of anyone else.

I agree with Cinnabar that DD showing her ability to go nuclear to people outside the walls of your home is a good thing for all concerned in the long run, and I wouldn't worry so much about the broken iPod either, for the same reason.

You are right to decide not to worry about the solicitor business just now though after all you're going through you have to wonder if someone sat themselves down and devoted a week to thinking of ways to torment you Flowers

Original poster
CouthyMow · 30/01/2014 16:00

Grin I am sometimes having thoughts like that. But I know it's just life...there will be an answer somewhere, and then I can argue it...Wink

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CinnabarRed · 30/01/2014 17:34

Just a thought - but is she going to plead guilty to the criminal damage charges? I can't see how she's got much choice, given her actions were witnessed by two coppers. That being the case, will she need a solicitor?

Original poster
CouthyMow · 30/01/2014 17:58

From what I can make out, she had legal representation, she's already been in court, she went straight from the police cells.

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