I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

She cried tonight and asked when she can come home. This is horrible.

I know that this is for her own good, but it's bloody horrid to have to do.

DD's SM says that if CAHMS get back to you this quickly, that it is almost always because they HAVE found something that the DC needs help with, urgent / immediate help.

So, as awful as it is, I KNOW that I have to stay strong, to get her the help she needs.

Still a bit leaky of eye though...

Even the FC has clocked that DD doesn't function at a 15yo level though. She has realised that there is no way DD could manage to catch the bus from my town to her rural location AND get off at the right stop AND wait for the FC to pick her up.

And the FC has noticed that DD has no concept of money, too. DD might be able to pay for things, but she has no concept of how much of something X amount of money will buy.

It is soooo painful to me that it has taken this much to even get outside agencies to realise JUST how far behind with stuff like this DD is.

Worst of it is that DD doesn't understand That she can't manage these things, thinks she can, and gets upset and violent when she isn't allowed to, and she still TRIES to do all the same things as other 15yo's.

I do feel like fishing out the portable brick wall I used to use when dealing with outside agencies, spending well over a decade TELLING THEM EXACTLY THIS FFS!

:

Resist with all your strength easy come (to her) easy go...

Once again, I am just in awe of your sheer smartness, Couthy.

Couthy delurking to say that I'm so glad you're getting the help you and your DD need and deserve. You absolutely have nerves of steel

I'm with you all the way Couthy

I haven't even sent my daughter a text

It's breaking my heart

Why does it take these agencies so bloody long to acknowledge something that you've known for years? Why don't they listen to us? We know these children, we're their mothers ffs. Do they think we want our children to have these problems, do they think we're making it up?

Rhetorical questions, although I'd like the agencies to answer them

Couthy

It's worth getting the FC to describe your DD's difficulties to CAMHS. That helps back up what you are telling them.

I say this because CAMHS are a bit 'patchy'. In some areas the service is good but in other areas they are rubbish. Having a united front with the FC to back you up will make them take her difficulties seriously.

What you are describing sounds like my son at 15 (developmental delay disorder ASD) so one would hope that CAMHS would notice and make a diagnosis.

I agree with CAHMS being patchy. We've had 3 referrals and been turned down every time

DD - has dyspraxia, dyslexia, GDD that magically transformed into moderate LD's according to her school when she was 14 (?!), and I have suspected her (especially given my family history, and that of her Dad's family) of being on the Autistic Spectrum since she was 3yo.

When DD was 3.5yo, her Paed at the time told me that she thought DD might be on the Autistic Spectrum, handed me a stack of leaflets about it, and left us to it...

We shall see what CAHMS say on Thursday next week (first mutually convenient appointment unfortunately. Three school runs a day and endless meetings and medical appointments have a lot to answer for...).

Also, I'm going to have to rearrange DD's College interview next Wednesday, for her Catering Course. Because it is at the same time as one of her major...Catering GCSE assessments.

So I will be ringing the College in the morning to try to rearrange.

hi couthy - just catching up.....

as far as legal aid - what reason did they give for refusal?? you need to speak with a solicitor about this - i cant quite believe that that is correct though as my job deals mainly with things before court i arent gemmed up - but as the victim i cant see how you can end up liable.....you really need some legal advice - or she does to be precise - i know that legal aid criteria changed recently but as a minor without any income i cant believe that this is correct - im pretty sure she will be entitled but you to clarify this with someone in the know.....and that does not always mean solicitors! but its a good point to start....

wishing you luck for the CAHMS appointment - i agree it needs to take priority over anything else. college will be fine with you moving the appt if you explain.

your doing brilliantly.

Quick hi jack sorry

Vicar the police said it was ok for my daughter to be handed over to her 19 year old boyfriend ( she's 15) . She had to be taken from home as the situation was heading towards violence(not from me). Does this sound right?

hi doin

can you pm me with what happened so far?

when you say handed over to bf do you mean him and his family? or does he live alone?
if its him and his family then yes ive known this to happen before, its not so much the 19 yr old they are handing her over to - more his family - its preferable to her staying with you and causing injury or damage and in the interim its as good as any a place temporarily if it stops the situation escalating.

id be more dubious though if he lived alone....

He lives with his mum. They didn't ask her permission though ( I did speak to her and she it'd be ok for 1 night) and he has friends who do have their own place. The school spoke to the BF who told them all is ok. But no one knows for sure that they stayed at his mums.

Bloody hell, Couthy! I haven't been on MN since last weekend, so I have just caught up on everything that has happened since then. I am so glad things have moved on, and (like everyone else) I think you're handling this amazingly well.

It IS awful. I have never done anything harder than have my son arrested, and then refuse to have him home again. Unfortunately, they released him to my ex, who promptly gave him a fiver for a take-away and never saw him again. And I lost my nerve after a week and had him back.

I'm puzzled about what you've been told about legal fees. There shouldn't be any. She will have been entitled to legal representation, and if you didn't instruct anyone, she will have seen the duty solicitor. That's free. I'm pretty certain children under 17 continue to have a right to free legal representation in court - my DS didn't get as far as court, but he had free representation in the police station a couple of times, including twice when he accepted cautions. The Children's Legal Centre website has more info, or you can phone their Child Law Advice Line (freephone) on 08088 020 008.

Fwiw, having my DS arrested was a turning point for us. He has never been violent to me since, nor smashed doors or walls, though he does occasionally still get angry enough to break things. He's come a long way. I hope your DD will make similar progress over the next couple of years.

CAHMS have rung, and have brought forward my appointment with them to discuss DD's assessment to Tuesday.

Did they say why? I thought that you'd already got the earliest possible, mutually convenient appt.
At least a Tuesday appt may mean that they are able to action any outcomes next week. I've found that outcomes from meetings on Thurs/Fri usually get parked until the following week.

I've had to shunt a different appointment to the following week...

Also, the Court has made a 15yo minor, whose only 'appropriate adult' was her legal representation, who has LD's and so e sort of MH issue, responsible for her own Victim Surcharge. Which means that there is a chance that I might have to pay it. The Court fines dept. is working on that now...

And she's been refused legal Aid for her representation in Court on the basis that it's "not in the public interests". Which may mean that I become liable for that too.

I WILL refuse to pay. Everybody is in a quandary about this, nobody seems to know exactly what the protocol is in this instance, because I am both her parent, and have financial responsibility for any fines and legal costs she incurs whilst she is a minor, but I am also the victim in this case, and everybody agrees that the victim cannot be made to pay the legal costs and the victim surcharge...

Argh!

They need to discuss the results of her CAHMS assessment sooner than Thursday.

I'm not even sure that DD understood the implications of what happens if she was refused legal aid, or the implications of agreeing to pay a victim surcharge.

Surely her legal rep should have been made aware of the fact that DD has LD's, and the fact that her parent was the Victim?

I hope that it is just a case of finding the right person to make the right decision for you.

BTW - I've just looked at the gov.uk website and it says
^Criminal cases:
A police custody officer will help you get legal aid if you’ve been arrested and held at a police station. A solicitor will check if you qualify for legal aid if you’re charged with a crime or have to go to court.

You’ll get legal aid automatically if you’re under 16 (or under 18 and in full-time education) or on certain benefits.^

No iffing or butting about if you are under 16 and your prosecution is in the public interest... www.gov.uk/legal-aid/eligibility TBH I am shocked that there could be any doubt about this at all.

Thing is, they've deemed the offence NOT to be in the public interest...and that's where it becomes a grey area. And it becomes an even greyer area if the financially responsible parent/guardian is ALSO the Victim...

And even greyer when the child involved has a learning disability. Especially when one of the criteria relates to whether the defendant "may not be able to understand the court proceedings or present my own case" - because she is 15 yo with a learning disability.

I think you are right to fight this one - I only wish I could help. But you are doing a grand job so far.

I've just had it confirmed that I WILL be liable for the Victim Surcharge. They are going to refer it back to the Court to try to get it reduced down to zero.

I know that part is 'only' £15, but it's the bloody principle of it!

How the hell can the Court make the Victim pay the Victim Surcharge?!

And it doesn't fill me with hope when it comes to the legal costs either...

And it should be borne in mind that I am still paying off her LAST fine of £477 from her previous Criminal Damage conviction at £5 a week, too.

The Victim Surcharge is meant to be paid by the 28th February. I can't scrape it together by then. And I'm going to refuse to bloody pay anyway, on sheer principle!

They'll probably take it straight out of my benefits though, for what it's worth...

God only knows what is going to happen wrt the legal costs...

Can i just ask why they are prossecuting her? Couthy, is it your decision?

I only ask because now that help is being accessed for your dd (finally), can you not drop the charges? If it's not in the public interest to give her legal aid, surely it's not in the public interest to take her to court.

Given that the parent is meant to apply for a child's legal aid, and you didn't, do you know who did complete the form on your DDs behalf? In fact could you get a look at a copy of the form? You would be able to check that all the relevant information about your DD was included and also see the exact reason that the judge gave for declining the application.

She's already been prosecuted. And although I called the police, they took the decision out of my hands as to whether to charge DD, the police made that decision. She also admitted her guilt in the Court.

I would imagine that it was her solicitor that completed any paperwork, as DD is unlikely to have been able to do so herself. (She has a. Scribe at school...)