I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

If you could afford to buy an ipad for you DD, I should hope you wouldn't go rushing out to buy one now just so she can have one too! It wouldn't solve anything. That isn't what she needs right now.

Besides, if she were to be badly behaved and sent to her room, she'd have the ipad taken off her, and if she were well behaved then she has new people there to socialise with which is better than staring at a screen (besides MN of course). You love her and you have let your no be no to SS, and it hasn't been easy. She will never appreciate fully what you're going through, but don't let that stop you from wanting what is best and only accepting what is good enough from SS.

Couthy you've made me tear up a bit. You are amazing.

I will be thinking of you and your DD.

Just spoken to SW. She's going to give the FC my landline number, so that if DD wants to call me she can, I won't force it on her. It's awful not being able to speak to her, when she is at her Dad's, I ring twice a day. I really miss her, but she needs to feel ready and able yo talk to me without it stressing HER out IMO. SW can see by that apparently that I AM just as worried about my DD as I am my other DC's.

SW AGREES that DD NEEDS a full CAHMS assessment, and input from CAHMS!!

And she has said that her aim is yo ensure that we have a better experience of Social Care than we have had in the past.

Gawd knows what DD was like last night for the SW to be so with the idea of CAHMS...

They've always been against it before...

SW also agrees that until there is CAHMS input, DD is best where she is.

Her placement IS in County, but only just will require her leaving in a car / taxi at around 7.45...the SW was worried about it until I pointed out that DD has to get up at 6.30 and leave at 7.30 here.

SW is coming out to discuss the support package on Thursday afternoon.

This is so so so so hard, probably the hardest thing I have EVER done, but it was obviously the ONLY way DD was going to get the help she so desperately needs.

I want to hug my 'DD's name'-bunny.

I HATE knowing that she probably feels like I don't want her, and that I have 'abandoned' her. I just hope that one day she will understand that I have done this BECAUSE I love her, not because I don't...

Oh, God, my eyes have sprung a leak again, and I've got to go pick up DS2!

(No, I'm not late, he doesn't finish school until 3.25pm)

DS3 is with his Dad, at a Sensory Therapy Session. I can't do those with him, only medical thing I can't do for him, because of the bloody strobe lights.

I've not done my College homework, because I had just started it when DD kicked off on Sunday - I hadn't done it before then because of her kick offs either - and I've got Science tonight at College.

I'll be like a bloody teenager, doing my homework on the bus, trying to do TWO past papers in a 45 minute bus journey.

And I have the European food mountain of shopping to put away after the school run, I've only done the fridge and freezer stuff.

I've been up since 2.30 this morning!

CouthyMow, you are allowed to look up the answers to past papers set for homework. ;)

You can allow yourself a bit of acry after having neeves and norks of steel. But you haven't done anything wrong, your dd has to know the limits. Perhaps your DD will be realising that her violence was a cry for help and a way to get extra help she knew deep down the family needed. I don't mean in a way that she would repeat it, I mean in a way that she couldnt put into words, so the violence became the best way to show the intensity of her feeling (and the sh the best way she's found so far to deal with it.)

The SW can agree that DD needs a MH assessment but that doesn't change waiting lists, so try to see if she can get a date before DD's birthday. In the end (after waiting 4 months) I was given the number of our unit to roll some heads. Then waited another 4 months before getting weekly appointments, by which time we needed another specialism and that took another 4 months, and so on. Still no CBT... (It's a bit more complicated than that but don't want to risk outing dd.)

Hate that energy drain after a shop! I know it qell. Grab 5 minutes with a coffee and your feet up. xx

H Couthy- you're actually doing really well. You've spent your time concentrating on DD and making sure she's in the best place. Thank goodness the SW has finally agreeed to CAHMS input. That wouldn't be happening if YOU hadnt insisted DD stay away form home. You're doing a great job to help your DD.

So don't worry too much about everything else you've had to put aside over the last few days. Just tell the college you've had things to sort and you'll be back on track next week.

You really are doing great. I know it's hard...

Is there any possibility of getting some time off college, some deferment time on tests? Perhaps worth asking, give yourself some breathing space.

Would it be helpful for you to write a short letter to dd, date it, give it to the SW to pass on? Maybe keep a short journal for her of the things you have been doing for her and what she is missing? Talk this through with your SW, sometimes getting thongs down on paper can take the heat out and maybe your dd would be able to repond in writing too?

The eye of the storm has passed now, keep on keeping on.

I'm doing 2 GCSE's in 6 months, it's a very intensive course, AND I'm doing an extra 3rd one with NO tutor time at the same time...no option of time off!

I have just read this thread either side of the school run and I wanted to delurk and say well done Couthy. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling but I applaud you for sticking to your guns and doing what needs to be done to ensure that your DD gets the necessary help however hard this has been.

One thing that struck me throughout all of this is PDA as another poster has mentioned. We went through hell last year with my DS at nursery and strongly suspect that he fits the PDA diagnosis. There is a fantastic PDA support group on fb that I am sure will be able to offer help and advice when you feel ready to look at it. Good luck for Thursday.

Please be v kind to yourself and allow for some time to lick your wounds.

You cannot be everything to everybody - it's impossible, don't try.
Talk to your DSs - how are they with DD's disappearance from the scene? They'll have unanswered and maybe not-really-formulated questions in their heads.
Do what you can for college, but be realistic wrt to your strength and time and talk to your tutors. I think looking at possible deferment is not a bad idea at all - at least find out what your options are.
It must be very odd to consider that DD may well not be at home for her birthday - I think your present is fab; I know I would like it .
Write to DD.
She can phone if she feels up to it.

Eat, breathe, sleep, look after yourself. You need to re-group, now that you are not walking on egg-shells just now.

Ah crap, x-post again, no deferment then

Couthy that is amazing progress and I really hope that your experience with Social Care is much better from now on. My Mother's SW has been very supportive to me in very difficult circumstances and I know the difference a good one can make. Great news about the CAHMs assessment, things are really moving forward for your DD.

I think I'd be a bit worried if your eyes didn't spring a leak, the last few days have been very traumatic. As everyone says, you really are doing brilliantly and the best for all your children . Sounds like you have your hands very very full with college and children. Totally get you can't get time off from college with your workload but think it would be an idea just to fill them in a little bit so they understand the immense pressure you are under and can support you.

Such good news that things are moving forward and it sounds like SW is on board and going to put a good support package in place.

Well done Couthy, and such good news that the ball is finally rolling in the right direction!

Have spoken to SW AND DD.

SW : DD had a 'kick off' when asked to go to bed last night (sounds very mild compared to the ones she has at home, mind you...). They can see DD urgently needs input from CAHMS, and DD is having a full CAHMS assessment...TOMORROW!!

(Fuck me, it's usually a 4+ month waiting list. And her kick off sounded bloody mild to me...)

The SW apologised for the previous 15 fucking years lack of support. DD MUST have CAHMS input before returning home. They have also urgently referred her to Dbit, which deals with adolescents at risk of being taken into care and/or custody. Apparently they have quite good results in these situations.

The SW said that she wants our experience of SS to be a "far better experience than those we have had previously".

I am seeing the SW at home on Thursday afternoon, and there will be a placement planning meeting within the next week.

It sounds like the placement is ok for a while.

They are looking at taxi to school. The placement is close enough that DD can be driven to school, but is rural and NOT close enough for DD to 'hang out' with her bloody mates.

Spoke to DD. First of all she demanded her phone (lol, typical DD!), and a list of other stuff.

Then we had a breakthrough...DD said she understood why she was there, and that she KNOWS now that she needs some help.

And she said she loves me at the end of the call too.

I now feel much happier knowing that this was absolutely the right thing to do for ALL of us!

Oh - also got a call from DD's science teacher. DD had neglected to tell me that it is parents evening TOMORROW! I now have to ring the school in the morning and arrange appointments with her teachers. DD has known for 2 weeks plus...

Hurrah for helpful SW.
Hurrah for proactive science teacher.
Double, triple hurrah for your DD coping with this upheaval so positively and being able to reassure you.
And quadruple hurrah to you for keeping it together.

So pleased for you couthy, I so hope this is the start of things getting better for you.

What fantastic progress, what a difference a day can make .

**Spoke to DD. First of all she demanded her phone (lol, typical DD!), and a list of other stuff.

Then we had a breakthrough...DD said she understood why she was there, and that she KNOWS now that she needs some help.

And she said she loves me at the end of the call too.

I now feel much happier knowing that this was absolutely the right thing to do for ALL of us!**

De-lurking to say that my eyes sprang a leak at that.

Well done for getting this far Couthy. You sound absolutely fantastic.

What fabulous progress - thank you so much for updating.

I am most pleased about your DD saying that she loved you
I mean it.
She knows what you did for her, not 'against' her.

I suppose you should use your previous treatment by SS and whichever other agency you felt let down by as leverage to get VIP/red carpet treatment henceforth - if they owe you 15 years of help, that might be some catch-up they'll have to do

Seriously, I am very very pleased that you seem to be getting somewhere and a timely MH assessment is so important to plan your DD's future care and support.
Goog luck with parents night - is your DD's school aware of the tumultuous events of the last week or so?

Fantastic.