County, no practical advice, but my lovely and awesome SIL adopted a child with similar problems to your dd. She manages a hospital dept for vulnerable adults with MH problems and is extremely knowledgeable and capable inher job.
She has watched her adopted child go through exactly the same as your dd, and seen him go to prison as a young man (but one for people with MH and LD). He currently has a flat, a job and a girlfriend, which is more than she ever hoped for. He's mid 20s.
I just wanted you to know that you are not the only parent to go through this, even where that parent is an expert in the field, they cannot live their child's life and make their decisions for them.
She is also an expert at detaching. When crisis hit she would put her brain in work mode, see him as a client, do the best she could, then deal with her own emotions later. I think it's the only way to cope, so use mn as your place to vent, then go and deal with the crap in rl before coming back here.
So wishing you all the best outcome for tonight.