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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I'm done

999 replies

CouthyMow · 23/01/2014 11:03

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

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CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:02

I'm between a rock and a hard place, trying to safeguard DD but also safeguard my younger DC's.

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CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:03

Still haven't heard from anyone who can actually tell me how DD is, if she's scared, if she's upset, if she's just angry...

AngrySad

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CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:04

Last update on her well being was at 2.30am. Surely that's not right?!

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ForTheLoveOfSocks · 27/01/2014 12:09

Just wanted to say I'm still thinking of you all. I haven't got anything useful to say not that I have usually anyway

I would imagine Mondays are quite busy for the YOT. But you are right, you should be updated with how she's doing.

ashtrayheart · 27/01/2014 12:11

If she's placed by ss they can give you travel warrants to see her. Contact will be arranged try not to panic. A lot of this will be a waiting game I'm afraid. At one point my ss was in a secure unit about 3 hours from me- ss paid for travel and a hotel room as we had small children to take with us to visit.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 27/01/2014 12:15

In terms of what you all need for her tobreturn home, yes she needs an urgent MH assessment (whether she meets the criteria for an urgent referral, I do not know. Our local children's MH services team still treat up to 18 I believe, but I don't know if that is for chileen who have been referred before they're 16. One way or another, need the ball rolling on this, and with the difficulties you have getting to see a doctor, it would be good if this process could be begun while not at home, and someone else got her to appointments. (I got my dd to appointments but wasn't allowed in for them anyway, so don't feel you are letting her down in any way if someone else is doing that.) If she gets a standard referral she may have to wait months for an assessment, which could be at an inconvenient time and place, so in your position I would be asking for transport (a driver) to takebyou to such appointments - and your own medical appointments too, if that is possible. (I have no idea if it is but whould that be useful practical support?)

Next, you mention respite. How much do you need, when and how often and how near. Write it all down. They need to provide transport too, of course.

I've always been told that SW will do all they can to keep a family together and for DCs to be at home, so if you are showing you want her back (with vital support) and that it's best for you all, then wouldn't it be better for them to provide the support? Of course, that makes a lot of work for them, but that is their job. The reason they get paid out of taxes is precisely to help and support families who have these needs! :)

CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:15

Thing is, I can't disrupt the DC's education any further. Three school runs a day, DS3 at preschool. Nobody else to do school runs.

Ex can't take any time off work right now - he is on a warning about time off as I was unable to care for DC 's just before Christmas due to injury, and I was unable to care for them when I had a severe stomach bug, and then he had the stomach bug right after. His work has this 'Bradford factor' thing. He would actually lose his job. Then he wouldn't be able to pay his rent...

I have help from him every other weekend and every other Tuesday & Thursday. Other than that, there is nobody due to the severity of DS3's allergies - even at preschool he has to have FT 1-2-1 to be safe to attend...

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CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:16

She isn't 16 YET, it's 6 weeks till her birthday...

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CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:18

She had better meet the criteria for an urgent assessment - she's violently out of control, and she is self harming. What more indications do they need of a child that desperately needs MH services involvement?!

Nope, there is no transport available to medical appointments. Not if you are under 60 here.

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CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:19

Got yo go pick up DS3 from preschool in a minute. I will be back later, if and when I hear anything.

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Travelledtheworld · 27/01/2014 12:23

Couthy

Stay calm and be strong.

The most important thing is that she is safe and that she has a referral. Her needs will be properly assessed.

You needed a break from her. She will benefit from a break from you.

DO not get stressed now about things you do not know are going to happen. If you need help with child care, school runs etc someone will step up and help. But you will need to ask.

I am sure the YOTS or SW will arrange for you to speak to her later today. When you do get this opportunity stay calm, do not fuss or cry. Take the time now to note down a few things you would like to say to her.
Go and have a cuppa and then look at your notes again.

Then use the time so write her a longer letter to tell her you love her, you care for her, but her behaviour was making it impossible for you to carry on as you were. Hence the call to the police. Now you both need to move forward.

Write the letter. Take a break, read it again. Have it on hand to pass on or post to her when you get the opportunity.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 27/01/2014 12:27

I hope so too. I just don't know Couthy, but sh and agressiveness isn't enough for an urgent referral ime. :( Perhaps last night's incidents will bring things forward. Do you know what the police put it down to when they were choosing between MH, SN/LD or DV?

Yy to extra support with transport for you and family. Maybe there are volunteer drivers who can provide long term, reliable care. I know a lot of children with SN get (paid for) taxis to school when parents cannot manage the school run.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 27/01/2014 12:37

Yes agree that police help is not a punishment, it is just outside help from wider society to help when things are more than you can manage and maintain order.

CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 13:17

OMFG! YOTS were going to release DD to 'go and buy her train ticket', and send her from Town Court is in to my town by train ALONE!!

DD has never bought a train ticket, has never travelled alone on a train...

It took her 6 weeks of travelling with me on the bus before she was able to get the bus to bloody school without getting lost. Even now, she gets off at our old house and walks the same way she used yo even though there's a bus stop 10 minutes closer to the school.

WTF were they thinking, releasing her to travel alone when she has LD's??!!

ShockShockShockShockShock

I'm waiting for someone to get back to me, as I pointed out that she is a vulnerable teenager with LD's, and they can't leave her to travel 30+ miles without an appropriate adult...

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CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 13:19

She needs yo go to YOTS in our home town.

Apparently SS won't do anything unless it comes from me or DD. But it's impossible to find their fucking phone number so I don't know how to bloody phone them!!!

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ashtrayheart · 27/01/2014 13:25

Do YOTS not have a contact number you can phone? can you look up the duty number for your local county council social work team? they will have an emergency number.
What a nightmare for you.

CinnabarRed · 27/01/2014 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CinnabarRed · 27/01/2014 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 13:37

Thank you, Cinnabar. YOTS in court town have come up with a more sensible answer now - they are going to DRIVE DD to YOTS in my town, who will take DD to SS.

God, I need nerves of fucking steel to deal with all this. Unfortunately, I don't HAVE nerves of steel...

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ashtrayheart · 27/01/2014 13:40

That makes more sense. You will have the nerves of steel, you're already living it. I find beta blockers handy for the times when my head is about to pop off x

CinnabarRed · 27/01/2014 13:40

Yes you do. And you have us.

nilbyname · 27/01/2014 14:01

You're doing, right now, you're being strong and venting on here and you're doing well.

ashtrayheart · 27/01/2014 14:02

Ss will probably tell you no foster care is available btw, and that you have to have her home. It's true that foster places for teens are scarce, but they are able to look at private foster agencies if no in house placements can be found.
They will try and make you have her home, you have to remain very firm to get them to take action. Once ss did help, I have to say they've mainly been brilliant in our case.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 27/01/2014 14:15

Write it all down! If YOTS now understand that she needs to be driven from court town to YOTS in your local town, how much more transport/ driver help do ss think you will need to have her back home, when the time comes to discuss that.

Thank God you got them to drive her in time! Not a omething to argue about with her when you speak to her. ;)

PacificDogwood · 27/01/2014 14:36

Good grief - I've just caught up.

Totally agree, you have nerves of steel to still be standing
So lucky you got to speak to somebody before she was sent for the train Shock.

I think the idea to write a list of what support your NEED is a good one; also a more personal letter along the line of you love her, but hate her behaviour and what it does to you all.

CAMHS here runs as a 'Child and Family' set up which means any troubled child will be offered a family assessment and support as well as it's recognised that a child with MH and/or behavioural problem serious enough to warrant referral to CAMHS rarely exists in isolation and of course interacts with their family. Might that be similar at yours wrt for your younger DCs?

Don't forget to eat, take you meds (if you have any) and breathe. Yy to this being a waiting and riding-it-out 'game' - 'tis not a game of course, but YKWIM hopefully.