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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm done

999 replies

CouthyMow · 23/01/2014 11:03

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

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nilbyname · 27/01/2014 08:18

Couthy, as difficult as this is, the approach you've been trying isn't working, yes you love your dd and want to care for her, but you can't. Not in the conventional way.

Listen to vicar, listen to maryz.

She can't come home. Be the broken record, you're a victim her, you need to be really really tough now, cos this is the hardest bit and it will trigger some good support but only if you are really really firm.

Be really strong. You can do it.

RhondaJean · 27/01/2014 08:21

Still with you couthy for what it's worth. Completly lost at the legal system as its all different here in Scotland and no help at all therefore but willing you on.

MrsTomHardy · 27/01/2014 08:28

Still hand holding Couthy....not much help I know but I am thinking of you this morning.
Take care xx

FreakinScaryCaaw · 27/01/2014 08:29

Thinking of you.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 27/01/2014 09:08

Just catching up with the events of last night, couthy.
Maryz is right, your DD's MH is more important than her place at college or how many GCSEs she does (or a school's league tables!) What has happened last night, happening today, and what plays out IS her education. Learning the boundaries, to respect the 'no's of society and live peacably with them is a vital part of our life education. She has had to encounter so many more 'no's than most, true. It is not fair. True. She is a fighter, true, but that fight in her can be the death of her or her saving. You need help to get her the help she needs. Do not accept her back now or it will have been for nothing that she was in a cell overnight. Then it will be a negative thing and harder for her to make sense of. Consider what help she needs (urgent MH assessment from CAMHS for self harm and violence, to get her MH help and support, where they travel to her? Other assessments?) and what care package you all need to make it possible to have her back home.

If SW brings her to the door, that is not a time to cave in. It is a time to say your DD needs more help for her MH difficulties than you can provide. That IS the best you can do, the best anyone could do, under these circumstances. This is a continuation of you having done the best you can, as you have been doing.

ThatVikRinA22 · 27/01/2014 09:14

couthy - you wont get constant updates , you will hear.from them when they have something to tell you. that may very well be after court now. hope you got some rest.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 27/01/2014 09:26

Ive had to find out about self harm too...When it is done for 'release' as your DD was doing, it can be because the pain is a distraction from emotional pain/inner voices, or a numbness and lack of any emotion. It is actually a step AWAY from taking ones own life under these circumstances (but doesn't mean that people who self harm don't have such negative thoughts, often they do). So the fact her sh was for release, and the violence (probably along the same lines and acting out her feelings) shows there must be some MH problems she needs professional help with. The 6 charity 20 minute sessions shows you have tried, but it was not enough. She needs a proper assessment and someone to find out what her immediate needs are, how to meet them, then CBT and 1 hour/50 minute sessions to work through it. Like hen's teeth, but see if the police can help with getting an urgent referral?

Original poster
CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 09:30

I got about 2 hours. I'm worried that they are trying to force my hand into taking her back. Or that they will threaten CP plans for the younger DC's if I don't have her back...but they will do that if I DO have her back anyway, I'm not bloody daft, I know how they work.

It's far easier and cheaper to place my DS's with their Dad's than it is to find a suitable placement for my DD with complex needs.

My heart is breaking to think of her STILL being in cells, even her SM is bloody aghast at SS's refusal to place.

She's going to put in a complaint when the dust has settled.

SM has said that placement with them IS a possibility, but the impact on their DC's, and the impact on DD's education will have to be seriously considered first.

I've to text her when I've got an update, as she's in a child protection meeting for work...

I'm just so torn in two, my need to protect my younger DC's weighed against what feels like the very real possibility of making DD's already fragile MH even worse.

I feel like crap.

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Original poster
CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 09:34

What do I want before DD can come home?

This is what I'm trying to formulate in my mind.

First and foremost , a FULL assessment by CAHMS, and decent sessions put in place.

Some support for me, with respite care available?

Support for the younger DC's to work through what's going on with DD. I hate them also feeling like if they are 'too naughty' that I will kick them out, they don't seem to understand that I'm doing this in their, and DD's, best interests. Sad

After that, I don't know!

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ExcuseTypos · 27/01/2014 09:58

Oh Couthy- of course you're torn in two. You poor thingSad

At least her SM is on board, it sounds like she will be a good person to have on your side, working in this area.

Write down the things you have said here about what you want and need, before she is to be allowed home. So you have it ready when they finally contact you.

colleysmill · 27/01/2014 10:00

Couthy I've followed your thread but haven't posted as I didn't really have anything useful to add but in terms of having dd back from my limited knowledge and experience the very least ss will have to do - legally I think they are obliged now to do this but someone else more knowledgeable might confirm - is have a CP plan in place for your other children. As you've said they are at risk from dd, particularly your eldest ds and they can't just ignore this.

Look at it this way - if it was a violent adult in the house with a history of dv then ss would be doing this and putting measures in place. Whether this also applies to under age I don't know sorry.

CPU plans would also mean that ss would have to stay involved with you as a family rather than walking away and leave you floundering once again.

Wishing you all the strength in the world

Original poster
CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 10:19

Even the police operators can't get an answer from the local station to find out what's going on with DD. She should have been seen by now in Court. No contact from YOTS, no contact from Social Care...

Can't get hold of anyone who knows what is going on with DD.

Wven though I can't have her home, and I am the victim of this crime, I'm still her mum and still have PR for her, so surely they HAVE to find someone who can give me an update of how she is?!

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ExcuseTypos · 27/01/2014 10:25

Are the police operators going to keep trying to ring? If not ask them to and to call you back ASAP, as you are very concerned that you don't know where your 15 year old is.

Could you also get her dad to try phoning?

Original poster
CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 10:28

HerDad is in a meeting with the HT of his local High school, chatting about DD... It seems they may not be able to offer her a place...he will ring when done.

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Original poster
CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 10:30

Nobody from the police is answering. I'm in a queue waiting to speak to 'My County' Control room.

Nobody can even find a number for 'My town' Children's Social Care online! Not even the police operator.

Been in the queue for 11 mins now...

[Message edited by MNHQ at the request of the poster]

OP posts:
colleysmill · 27/01/2014 10:33

The other option is to call the county council general number and ask for ss/duty sw that way?

Original poster
CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 10:37

Finally got through to control. They are going to contact the station and see what's happened / happening with DD and call me back when they know something.

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somuchtosortout · 27/01/2014 10:45

Couthy I don't have any expert advice. However I do agree with others on this thread, in the long run you can use these events as a positive step. Just don't loose focus of what is important

Your DD's Mental health, Your other children's peace of mind, Your need for intervention and help from outside.

I really hope for all of you that this will lead to your DD getting a lot more help and support.

I do think (even as a teacher!) that Gcse's and college will have to be put right down the bottom of list of priorities for now. How would she ever get any decent results with the way she is feeling at the moment anyway?

If I were your friend or acquaintance in real life I would not for a minute think you were doing the wrong thing by prioritising her needs and your other children's needs before her education. It's obviously too much for her at the moment, there will be another chance for her to do her exams when she is in a better place.

Hope you hear some news soon. I usually find writing really helps me to focus my mind on what is important. Would you feel up to writing your DD a letter while you are sitting around waiting for news?

ExcuseTypos · 27/01/2014 10:50

It must be awful waiting Couthy.

Try to be calm- keep breathingWink someone will find out what's happening although it might a wee while.

Travelledtheworld · 27/01/2014 11:01

Couthy I am sure they will be waiting for the court processes, doing paperwork, travelling slowly back from court to wherever next. It is crap that no one is keeping in touch with you but I am sure someone will be on the phone too.

Do you know if a social worker went with her to court ?

Travelledtheworld · 27/01/2014 11:03

Meanwhile lots of people have gone to work but I am SAHM and hand holding this morning.

Have a coffee Brew.

Commander6 · 27/01/2014 11:15

Hi Couthy.

I can tell that you are a wonderful mother.

But. There is always a but isnt there! Smile
There are times, even when a mother, that the best thing we can do for our children is to let go.

Maryz · 27/01/2014 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:00

Right. Finally got through (after a run around) to someone who has a SMALL idea of what's going on.

DD has been given a referral order. She has been released into the care of the YOTS worker (from other town where the Court is) and her Solicitor.

However, the YOTS worker has another 3/4 DC's in Court today, so I assume DD is waiting in cells still.

No SW yet.

YOTS lady in office is going to try to get hold of YOTS worker at Court to find out if she's rung SS yet.

She will ring back when she has news.

I've been warned that DD might not be placed in either my town OR the town the Court is in, due to her being such a complex placement.

What about her school? What about her College? What about me seeing her? I don't want her to think I've totally abandoned her.

If she's ++ miles away, I won't have the money to get to her, or the time between school runs.

I have no daytime help.

FUUUUUUCK!

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Original poster
CouthyMow · 27/01/2014 12:02

It seems like SS are using DD as a pawn in their bloody money-saving game, rather than just bloody giving her the help she obviously needs.

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