I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

call back in the . morning after.7am. ask to.be put through to the custody desk. for now - sleep! x

Just texted DD's SM. If they're awake they'll ring me back once they've hung out of the bathroom window to get a decent signal. I'm hoping I can get them to ring.

If not, I will have to hope that they look after her. Haven't even been given the number of duty SW.

I dobt think they've even CALLED the duty SW yet if they don't know what CPS are doing. Her interview was just after 8pm and they still haven't come down and told Custody what's happening. They can't really even call the duty SW until they know, can they?

So ringing the duty SW will be a bit premature. Easier to refuse to have her home if I'm doing it through the police. Don't want the duty SW to crack my resolve before the morning, or I'll never get DD the help she needs - if I take her home, I WILL be back to square one. And probably in trouble with SS for failing to protect my DS's.

Just wanted to know that she was ok.

It may be that I'm the victim, but she is STILL my child, and I still care for her and worry about her. It's awful being this torn.

You poor darling. Please try to sleep, even a little.

I'm assuming that DD's SM's phone has no signal to receive a text or call, calls going straight through to answerphone. Morning it is. I'm going yo read a book until I drop off, I think.

And I wish autocorrect would stop changing to to yo.? Only on my iPad, too!

I know this is no comfort to you right now but I swear she will be being well cared for. Please try not to torture yourself. get some shut eye. call back after 7am and ask to be put through to the custody desk, explain you are her mum. I would imagine social services will be contacted in the the morning now. she will not just be turfed out....the police have a duty of care. do please try and sleep. you will need to be awake and ready for social services.

Just got a call from the officer in charge, emergency SW has basically stated that they haven't got a place for her, officer in charge has had a row with them (!) but to no avail. Apparently if she was younger they might have found an emergency FC placement, but as she's in a 'place of safety', they're just going to leave her there.

I thought they legally HAD to find her an emergency placement if I refused to have her home? What do I do if they say that there IS no suitable placement?

She will be kept in cells overnight, and taken to court in the morning. Probably will have involvement with YOTS (Youth Offending Team), and they will release her on bail from Court into the Care of SS.

Bit worried now - it doesn't seem like SS can find her a placement. I knew that would be an issue, combination of her age (not so many placements for teens anyway), her SN's and her MH and anger issues. Can't be an easy placement...

Fucking worried now.

They're going to call back soon to confirm what will happen tomorrow. Officer in charge sounded really cross with SS, and he understands that I can't have her back yet, as it would put my 3 younger DC's at risk.

So it's basically that I can't really have her back yet, without a support package in place, or I will be deemed to be putting my other children at risk of DV, and I will have SS breathing down my neck about the risks to them.

Yet I still care about her and want to help her and protect her, and it seems like SS are drawing a blank on a placement for her.

If they end up placing her out of area, how am I meant to get to see her? I don't drive and I don't have a pot to piss in, and I have 3 other DC's to look after. I can't just abandon her completely.

Sleep isn't likely to come, knowing that I've got another phone call from the police to come.

you must be so worried about everything couthymow i am thinking of you but have nothing useful to suggest - have they phoned yet?
in the morning perhaps her dad will contact you

couthy - im still up.

as you say - she will be released from court into the care of SS.
then its up to them to find her a place, and they will do.

i have been in the exact same boat as your officer in case.....15 yr old boy, mum couldnt take him back, massive row with social workers but in the end they had to find somewhere - they cannot simply leave a 15 year old roaming the streets.
dont fret - i know its easy for me to say from here - but you need to stick to your guns because it would be so much easier for social services if you just take her back - that would solve their problem.
but you cant.
because you need to find the right support for her.

SS are really good at this....at the minute its between the police and SS....dont enter into debate or you will end up crumbling.

police CANNOT legally keep her in a cell so SS will HAVE to find a placement, then you can negotiate because you will hold the cards.
ss will want her home to save money
you want her home but you also want access to help for her
so its in everyones best interest to find that...
stay calm and resolved. you have 6 weeks to find her help - after that she falls into that black hole between childrens services and adults and where no one feels obliged or is legally obliged to care.
right now they are legally obliged.

she is fine right now - she will be asleep. court will be at 10am.

hold your nerve because this is your one chance to help her.

They've JUST phoned. DD will be taken to Court between 8and 9am tomorrow.

Not my local Court though, as there is no Youth Court there. It will be a Youth a Court in a town more than 30 miles away.

There won't be ANY appropriate adult with her, as she will be taken by security.

She will be put BACK in Cells after her court hearing.

Then she will be passed over to the Youth Offending Team, who will have to contact SS.

could she potentially be passed on to SS in another town, god knows how many miles away? (More than 30) That's the other side

Aaarghhh.

She's going to be left in cells until SS can be arsed to go to her. This is a child with LD's and MH issues what the fuck about HER safeguarding? I HAVE to safeguard my younger DC's but what about her?!

SS don't seem to be carrying out their legal duties where DD is concerned. This is a very vulnerable teenager. I don't know if Court cells are the same as the juvy cells in the local police station. Will she get 30 minute checks? Will she have a WATCHED camera in there? Will she be safe?

How can they leave a vulnerable teen like that?

Is it done to make me go and get her? What underhanded bastards if that's the case. And even if I DID, I'd then have SS on my case about not safeguarding the DS's.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

SS are going to leave a self harming god knows how depressed teenager with learning difficulties for almost 24 hours before getting involved - she was nicked at 2.30pm. How is THAT discharging a duty of care?!

(Well, no youth court in my local one TOMORROW)

And 'other side of my very large County'

Again, known to SS, and they KNOW that the DS's can be placed with their Dad's at no cost to SS, whereas DD will be a very specialised placement so it's cheaper to force my hand and play on my emotions rather than JUST FUCKING HELPING DD AND ME!!!

sorry couthy for your troubles - am dropping....

right....

i would call the officer in case back and ask those questions. You should have a name and collar number. If not it will be easy for the call handlers to find for you. call 101 if you dont have a direct dial number.

we as police are governed by PACE, which means once someone is charged we cant just hold them willy nilly for the sake of it or until someone can find a placement. a police station IS NOT a place of safety to be used in this way.

you need to find out exactly what the intention is after court. I cant imagine that she is going to sit around in cells for hours....YOT will hopefully crack some heads.

It matters not if she is placed 30 miles away - now bear with me cos i know right now you are shouting "course if frigging does"....

what ever happens tomorrow is going to be an emergency placement. and yes - you will be played - because its far cheaper and far easier if you just take her back home.....so dont expect this to be easy, but you HAVE to hold your nerve.

you have a 6 week window of opportunity here....so even if a social worker comes knocking with your dd crying and begging forgiveness you cannot back down - yet.

once she has a placement via SS then you can start negotiating. What is it that she needs?
how best can you get it?
does she need a proper assessment from someone who works in the field of ASD to begin to understand what it is she needs? most kids with ASD need a multi disciplinary approach from several different specialisms. (i know you know all this....)

you are in a better position to try and get these things for her if you cant be ignored.

i would advocate calling the national autistic society because they can advise.

i know this is a bit lame but it does explain in laymans terms what kids rights are through court and in care.
www.lawstuff.org.uk/the-facts/crime-police-and-court

i cant stress this enough - dont back down now. this will the hardest thing you ever have to do - but its not forever. its just to get someone to sit up and listen - its a means to an end. you are going to have to detach yourself a bit or its going to eat you up.

just remember - its temporary.

i pm'd you too

sleep now for a few hours.

the next you hear may well be from the YOT.
youth court is usually before adult court - she should be done before 10 when adult court hearings start.

its nail biting but try and rest knowing that she will be cared for through out the process - she isnt going to be alone.
You are thinking the worst - it wont be how you are thinking it will be for her.

remember you were thinking she would be cold and shivering in a cell? the reality is so different - she will have been given blankets, food, drinks, and there is a buzzer for if she needs anything. The custody staff will have been laughing and joking with her, but they will be taking her welfare very seriously.
she will also have been monitored closely. that should still happen through court too.
try not to think the worst.
now sleep so you can be at your best for her tomorrow.

Would a SW do that? Turn up at the home with DD in tears begging forgiveness IN FRONT OF MY OTHER DC'S?!

Surely that is emotional abuse of ALL concerned, including my DD??!!

Couthy Ive just spent an hour reading this, and I just want to give you a massive hug.
I don't know much about anything, but Maryz and Vicar both know what they're talking about. Stand your ground.
DD is safe. Something has to be done now. Hold your nerve and do what Vicar says.
We've met, I'm local, you know I'm no weirdo, If I can help in any way, I will. Ill PM you my number. x

god no couthy, im just trying to emphasise my point - ss won't do that. you just need to be strong now.

Im trying to think of something constructive to say with my non existent knowledge of the situation. All I can come up with is, you needed her out of the house, and she is, in just about the safest place she can be. Maybe this will be a wakeup call that makes her re assess her behaviour. Regardless, she is safe and you and the other dcs have a small breathing space and hopefully someone will arrange some help for you both. Try and rest lovely. x

Still here, Couthy. God what a mess. I used to work at a treatment center for troubled kids and it would have been perfect for her...but here in the US they age out at 18, not 16.

So sorry you're going through this. It's (I know from watching my mother and brother) just so absolutely fucking heartbreaking when it's your own child. You dislike them and their actions so much, but yet you love them so much, and it's so wrenching.

I'm six hours behind you if you're still up, and will be awake for a few hours yet if you just want to talk.

I hope you got a bit of sleep Couthy and that Vicar is posting as she obviously knows how this works very well. I think everyone be say g the same now, that you have to stand firm as this is your one chance to get her help.

You're obviously very good at being able to speak up for yourself but it is hard work and emotionally draining doing this nd I'm wondering if it might be possible to get an advocate to help you ? We had trouble with my Mum and SS, she has Dementia and in dealing with I found that there are Carers Advocates who can help. Just a thought.

Couthy - massive hugs. It breaks my heart, reading this. Not unlike my sister who had learning difficulties, possibly borderline,
Huge depression, no self worth, used to self harm. She spent 6 months in and out of prison for having a knife in public (she was self harming in a deserted park), for trashing my parents home, for assaulting a police officer (she threw a CD at him when he entered her bedroom to try and calm her).

Anyway - she was a bit older than you but my parents fought tooth and nail for her to go to a therapeutic community - paid for by SS. Just doing a quick google - most are for 18 year olds or over, but some cater specifically for the young, and some take 17 year olds and I think one in Ham, Surrey, takes 16 years olds.

It might not be the right solution, but it really helped my sister. Might not be right for now, but if things continue - I wanted you to at least now about them.

I hope you got some sleep - probably not but hope you somehow get through the next 24 hours.

Holding your and your DD's hands today - I hope her court appearance goes ok and a placement can be found for her. Near you.

Please remember you are doing this in the interest of your DD and your other DCs, not because you are 'mean' or because you are washing your hands of her.
Sadly, the way things are wrt care placements for older children with more complex needs, you need to be holding a strong hand for something to happen. Do not take a back until you are satisfied that her needs are met, otherwise You've all been through a distressing experience and are still no further step forward.

My heart goes out to you all - v best of luck today

Am concerned for her. No update since 2.30am. Will ring once dropped DS's at school.