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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm done

999 replies

CouthyMow · 23/01/2014 11:03

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

OP posts:
Badvoc · 26/01/2014 20:28

I think having her home would be a huge mistake

Original poster
CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:28

I don't have the money to send her there either! I can't afford new boots, I can hardly pay for coach tickets for me and her AND flights AND a coach and buses at the other end.

I don't drive either, and not does the Ex that helps me out. None of us drive, except DD's SM who can't take time off work. And she can't drive DD's dad down as someone has to get their 10yo to school. And they still have their 4yo with autism to look after too...

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 26/01/2014 20:30

Socks you're spot on its important - didn't mean to sound like it wasn't, just worried about couthy panicking about everything at once.

The ha are likely to be more supportive because she has got the police incident number, in my experience.

Original poster
CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:30

So what do I say? Do I say it to the police, or do I phone SS? Where will they find an emergency FC placement for someone with all the issues my DD has?! They couldn't even find anyone willing to do respite for her, and there's a massive lack of FC's in my area.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 26/01/2014 20:31

If you possibly can, don't have her back tonight. She really needs to see, with her own eyes, that her actions have consequences (and, from what you've written, it will be better for your DS1 too to see that not following house rules doesn't go unpunished).

Original poster
CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:32

The police have estimated the damage at £200-£300. (It won't be, I have a mate who tarts up houses for a living, he's fixed her messes for me before, it'll cost a slap-up meal and a glass of wine! But I AM lucky in that)

OP posts:
Commander6 · 26/01/2014 20:32

Sad and hugs to you.
If it is alright with you, I will pray for you and for your daughter.
I dont have all the answers myself.

Badvoc · 26/01/2014 20:44

Agree don't have her back tonight.
Ask police/as to try and get an emergency foster placement.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 26/01/2014 20:45

If you refuse to have her back, and SS can't place her maybe they would send her to her Dads at their cost?

I think the police will contact you when they are ready to release her. If you have decided she cannot possibly come back, then you say that to the police. Then they would contact SS, who would have no choice but to find a temp home for her.

Maryz · 26/01/2014 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellasDealer · 26/01/2014 21:05

Surely SS would have to find her an emergency FC placement if you refuse to have her home in view of her age? as Maryz said.
sending you Thanks as am here with 15 year olds too.....

Maryz · 26/01/2014 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 26/01/2014 21:06

I'm so sorry you are going through this Couthy. I think in your circumstances I would refuse to have her back tonight on the grounds that you are safeguarding your other children as can't guarantee their safety if she returns and you have a duty of care to protect them. Emphasise this and get it in writing to SS at some point following the conversation with the police.

Maryz · 26/01/2014 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 26/01/2014 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhondaJean · 26/01/2014 21:10

Maryz is right.

At Thr very least it gives you a break to regroup yourself.

RandomMess · 26/01/2014 21:12

I really agree with Maryz, the crowd she is hanging around with and everything, if she gets placed out of area that could be a really good thing. The fact that her school are no longer supporting her appropriately and the major negative impact it is having on your other dc.

What is going to change if she comes home tonight?

PacificDogwood · 26/01/2014 21:14

Oh, Couthy, I am late to this {{hugs}}

Do use this incident as leverage with SS, whatever happens tonight.
Don't have her home tonight so you can all regroup and consider what happened and really think through all your options.

I am so sad it has come to this, but not surprised from what you have been posting about her before. Poor DD - she'll feel all out of control and helpless too, which is a horrible feeling but maybe what she needs to feel.
Thanks

SauvignonBlanche · 26/01/2014 21:26

I hope you get the help you all need. Flowers

Original poster
CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 21:42

Spoken to the police. They've interviewed her, but aren't yet sure how to deal with her as they're not sure what category to put her under?

They are trying to decide between MH, SN and DV. too many acronyms lol

I have asked what will happen if I refuse to have her home.

Been told that a) they keep her overnight, and rather than being bailed, they take her straight to court in the morning for criminal damage. She would stay in cells overnight.

B) they put her under police protection for her own safety (MH). She spends the night in cells.

OP posts:
Original poster
CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 21:47

They said that they would phone emergency SW, but the criteria here for an emergency FC placement are so high, she probably doesn't meet the requirements and the Emergency SW would probably not make it till the morning anyway, meaning she will be in the cells overnight.

I've been told it's probably the only way to get her the help she needs, though. Hmm

They can't put her in the only Children's home round here as her ex boyfriend that she only split up with 4 weeks ago lives there - he was the one she WANTED to go out with today when I said she was grounded...

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 26/01/2014 21:49

Both A and B sound like OK outcomes, TBH. She gets a taste of reality, you get some respite alongside DS2&3, DS1 sees fair treatment, DD might just access the help she needs.

(((((OP)))))

RandomMess · 26/01/2014 21:50

Argh, that is so frustrating Sad

The harsh reality of a night in cells may bring it home to her that her behaviour is going to take her to a place that is less pleasant/acceptable than being at home?

PacificDogwood · 26/01/2014 21:51

Yes, go with a night in the cells if you can bear it for all the reasons stated by Cinnabar.
Sad

ThatVikRinA22 · 26/01/2014 21:54

couthy ive pm'd you back.

ive also given you my number if you want to ring me. x