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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I'm done

999 replies

CouthyMow · 23/01/2014 11:03

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

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yegodsandlittlefishes · 26/01/2014 11:07

You're far better at dealing with it all than I am (than a lot parents are) I can see that much, and I can't give you any advice (but I have learned a few things reading this!)

DD was 'only' horribly behaved 3 or 4 days this week and managed to behave properly for 3 of the days. It's a big improvement on recent months but some of the behaviour has been beyond the pale. She wanted to borrow something of mine on Friday and kept nagging me and asking why I wouldn't let her and I kept saying no. (I think she needed a reason as she was thinking of taking it anyway). I said to her that after her recent behaviour, she needed someone to say no to her about something like this. That it's an opportunity to be politely assertive and show respect for someone else's assertiveness. that kind of reasoning doesn't usually work, she is usually too angry and wrapped up in herself to listen, but she did listen and went quiet and found something different she could use instead.

It's a tiny example, but it was such a huge step for her/us. It doesn't mean she's able to do things other teenagers do, or that she's any less frustrated at how she's 'different' but she was able to see the boundary as a positive thing.

Commander6 · 26/01/2014 13:20

There do seem to be flashes of hope with her.

Do you know if she had meltdowns while at her dad's?

CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 19:42

I've had to call the police on her. She's trashed a whole wall of plasterboard and still wasn't calming down. All I said was "you can't go out, you're grounded",in a calm voice.

When the police got here, they witnessed her punching and kicking the walls.

They've logged it as a DV incident.

They started off by giving me the choice of whether to have her charged for criminal damage, and I was in a quandary as I didn't want to be the cause of it affecting her College.

Then she started smirking at the police officers, and they went outside and had a chat, and they took the decision out of my hands.

She was in a onesie with cords, so the female officer asked her to get changed, as she can't wear cords in the cell. DD refused.she was warned that she would have to remove it at the station and wear a jumpsuit they provide. She still refused.

They took her away in handcuffs. Sad

They came back to take a statement. And told me that when she changed out of her onesie, they could see she's been self harming again. Sad

DD told them she did it yesterday, and apparently DD said she 'needs the release', but that she hadn't done it for months beforehand.

They said that she was still laughing and smirking though.

I feel like a cunt now.

They wouldn't let me go with her as I'm the victim. So DD will be waiting for an 'appropriate adult'. She will be in a cold cell on her own. Sad

Her bloody charity counselling sessions are due yo end next week apparently too. Just 6 20 min sessions. Fucking useless.

And as she's almost 16, the police fear she will be too old for children's MH services, but too young for adult MH teams.

She was lifted at 2.30pm. I've heard nothing since around 4.30, when I had to email a picture of the damage to DD's wall.

If I've not heard anything by 8pm, I'm going to ring them.

What do I do to get DD the support she needs? What do I do to protect the rest of the household and the house from her violent rages?

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Badvoc · 26/01/2014 19:46

Oh couthy.
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
I'm sorry.
Where is her dad in all this?
You have to protect yourself and your other dcs from the DV.

CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 19:49

Her Dad lives 600 miles away, and is a SAHP to his younger 2 DC 's, while his lovely helpful wife works FT...dealing with problem teenage girls in a care home !

She can't get the time off work, so he can't leave the kids. No neighbours to help as they live in the arse end of the arse end of nowhere in the top end of Scotland...

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RandomMess · 26/01/2014 19:49
Sad

You have done the correct thing though.

Have you got anyone who can come and support you for the evening?

I can only suggest phoning SS and explaining that she can't come home due to her violence towards all of you. She desperately needs some specialist help.

Big hugs Flowers

Badvoc · 26/01/2014 19:51

I see.
You have done he right thing. You know that. Won't make it any easier though.
Time to get SS involved, your MP, anyone who may listen!

RhondaJean · 26/01/2014 19:57

Oh couthy massive massive hugs I was so hopeful things were settling at least for a bit.

You have done absolutely the right thing, you must be in bits I know but you had no other options.

I'm thinking about you tonight and wishing you strength x

CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:00

I'm just about to ring the station and find out what's happening.

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Foodylicious · 26/01/2014 20:02

Hi I have been following your post but have not added much.
wow, you are going through so much right now. So sorry you are having to deal with this, it must be tearing you in all different directions.

Re your DH
he needs to come down and she (other half) will have to not go to work & look after the children just as she would if she needed to look after them for some other reason.
He really must be there to support you both.
There are are always reasons people feel they 'can't' take time off, poor sick record, work won't manage without etc,etc.
But at the end of the days its all crap.
If you need to not be at work you don't go. right now he need to be with you both, so she needs to not be at work.
Hoping you get some help with resolving this Flowers

Foodylicious · 26/01/2014 20:03

Also, ask the police to get the on call mental health team to see her -they might be doing that anyway.

CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:03

The appropriate adult is there, and DD is just about to go into interview. I've to ring back in about an hour.

Do I have her home tonight? I don't know if that's sensible? If I don't have her home, what do I do? What do I say?

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CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:04

They can't a afford the flights either - she's a care worker and it's just been Christmas, he's out of work. He doesn't drive.

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RhondaJean · 26/01/2014 20:13

They may not give you the option to have her home couthy. Wait an hour and see what's happening.

Foodylicious · 26/01/2014 20:15

I am not being flippant and suggesting it would be an easy decision to make, but if he came on his own he could get a train Edinburgh to London for about £65...

CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:17

They live the far side of Inverness-shire. The remote part. If he doesn't feel able to come down yet, there's not much I can do, is there?!

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ForTheLoveOfSocks · 26/01/2014 20:17

Couthy I know you've got a lot on your plate, but have you thought about what impact this will have on the relationship with your landlord? I am unsure if you have her back you will be in breach of your tenancy agreement with the LA/HA?

WRT not having her back, I think if you refuse to have her back then they will have no alternative but to put her into emergency foster care. But maybe now the police have witnessed her actions, you will be in a better position to get her the help she needs.

I know Vicarinatutu has said on MN before she is a police officer. Maybe you could pm her and ask what would usually happen in these circumstances?

CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:18

We haven't been together since BEFORE I found out I was pregnant, I was the one who moved away, he's lived that area all his life.

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CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:19

I may well be in breach of my tenancy agreement. It HAS helped that I'm personal friends with my housing officer. Blush (Predates my tenancy by 15 years...)

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CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:20

I. Unsure though, actually.

I live in a square that is for people with disabilities. I got the house on the basis of mine and my DC's disabilities. Not all disabilities are quiet, peaceful ones...

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CouthyMow · 26/01/2014 20:20

Pm'ing Vicar might be helpful. Thank you.

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ForTheLoveOfSocks · 26/01/2014 20:22

Could you use that as leverage with SS/MH services - play on the fact you and your DC could be made homeless by your DD's actions?

As for you ex, well if he can't afford to get down to you, then he wouldn't have the money to send her back if she turned up on his doorstep, surely?

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 26/01/2014 20:23

Sorry, I was thinking more the criminal damage to the property than noise

RhondaJean · 26/01/2014 20:25

Don't worry about tenancy agreements right now, it's definitely something to be aware of but try to get tonight sorted first?

Just so you know, as you have reported it to the police, make sure you get the incident number and when you contact your ha give them it.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 26/01/2014 20:27

Rhonda I was only thinking about it because if she takes her back tonight, her landlord may use it against her so it would be wise to consider it when making a decision.

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