Making 16yo move out

[hungryhippos]

Has anyone gone this far? We have spent enough evenings in tears over behaviour, attitude and failure to adhere to house rules. Often sanctions are accepted with a mature attitude but there is no demonstration of an ongoing commitment to do as we ask. We could rent a room near the sixth form college and can afford to do this. Maybe we would all be happier then as DC can do as they wish and we won't be suffering from sleep deprivation, lack of food (feel too sick to eat due to emotional turmoil at times) and the dominance of this issue over every aspect of our lives.

16 year old is too young to leave home, try to stick with it all, maybe get advice from somewhere?

I thought about it seriously. But I couldn't afford it, and I knew if I threw him out, he'd spend more time with the people I wanted him to avoid, doing the things I wanted him to stop doing. So I hung on in there.

Sixteen is still a minor. You are not allowed to evict a minor. He/she needs your support and boundaries, not to be moved out tok a place of convenience.

You've not written anything to suggest this is a good idea. What are the problems? Are there other children? What have you tried so far?

Can you give us some examples OP of his behaviour?

It's not so much about the behaviour as the impact of it over a prolonged period on myself, younger sibling and DP. How many evenings do we spend in tears before enough is enough? My love and support is infinite but I cannot carry on living like this. If this was a partner not a child he'd have been out the door long ago.

I think it's about par for the course for a 16yo. Sorry :(

He's not a partner. He didn't chose to be in this relationship. You've described nothing more than exhausting typical behaviour so far. And no one can advise you to kick him out based on that.

Does he want a flat mate? My DS is available !

Seriously though can you give examples of what he does that causes the stress? Is he violent to you for example? Does he respect your rules even a little ? Do you have any good moments together?
We are finding this an awful age too, the constant rudeness and ungratefulness etc and pushing of boundaries. It helps a little to know it's 'normal' and but what's hard is the feeling that we did not behave like this as teens and would certainly not heave treated our or parents so badly. The book 'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town' did make me feel a lot better as it explained that this generation are just different and parenting is probably tougher than it used to be. You should read it if you haven't already.
My DS is just 16 and we have often considered setting him up to live elsewhere- we feel we are all enduring the days until he goes to university. On the plus side he can't wait to leave either which motivates him to study for his GCSE's....he realises this is his route to freedom.
Sorry to not be helpful just know you are not alone!

16 is way too young to move out. They seem like they know their own minds, but their erratic behaviour is enough to show to that they haven't a clue what's going on. The very boundaries you are setting are what are showing DC how to live, however much they break them. I heartily sympathise because it's beyond knackering and makes all the childrearing of the past look like a total doddle. Look to the future... you want to maintain a relationship with your DC into adulthood. Review your boundaries? Are they reasonable. Strip them down to the bare minimum and perhaps be prepared to be more flexible - for your own sanity. Good luck

Accept that your 16 year olds behaviour is normal and won't last for ever. He is kicking against you in an effort to be independent but he still needs your care and security.

Is there another family member who could take him in for a bit?

I left home at 16 but it was to work in a different city. I had 'carers' who were in close contact with my family and looked after me.

It was still scary though. Nights on my own, cooking my own meals. Scary at thhat age and far from exciting or liberating.

Not sure you're allowed to give up parenting 16 years in just because you're having a rough time.

You made a commitment to at least 18. You can't evict a minor.

These are our house rules:
make your bed
no internet usage after 9pm school nights (10pm twice a week)
do an hour's chores per week for pocket money
baths at weekends only, showers in the week
if you make a mess, clear it up
turn off unnecessary lights

There is no violence involved, but endless flouting of rules, ingratitude and being taken for granted. Tears and shouting aplenty, a history of self harm and currently under CAMHS. I don't want him to move out permanently but when he stays with a friend we all breathe a sigh of relief. The other three of us need a break from him and we are all counting the days until he goes off to uni, if he doesn't screw his A levels up completely. That is over a year away though.

When the bad times far outweigh the good, what else can you do? There are no family nearby and his dad refuses to have anything to do with him while still seeing younger sibling every week.

Of course you can evict a minor, plenty of people do. However I wouldnt and we had all sorts of problems with ds1.

Youve not said what the problems are, maybe if you did someone could offer you advice?

colditz Yes, you can force a 16 year old out. I know of one case where a girl woke up on her 16th birthday to find her bags packed. She had to take all her worldly possessions to school.

Children's services knew of her family's intentions (they were completely open about it) but could not help her until she was actually homeless. It was a mess.

OP - What other options are there? Staying with a host family? Boarding? How do you think your DC will cope?

Cross post.

Sorry but this all sounds like normal 16 Year old behaviour. Not cleaning up after themselves, not turning lights off.

You really want him to move out because he wants a bath in the week, doesnt make his bed or clean up and leaves lights on?

How is he at school?
What are his friends like?

Sounds like lots of little fights over things which could be perceived as being petty?

Would a part time job/volunteering help him mature a bit?

How does he contribute positively to the household?

I really feel for you, we went through this when our dd was 17. We were desperately trying to make it through to Uni, but just couldn't do it.

We nearly divorced & i was considering leaving my dh & taking our youngest dc with me. I didnt want to throw my dd out as i love her, but i was terrified of the effect it was having on our youngerdc.
Our home was full of anger, rage, aggression and soo much crying.

There was a huge incident last summer & our dd went to stay with family, hundreds of miles away from us ( arranged by us). We financially support our dd but she is still very angry with us for sending her away & at the moment our relationship isn't great. I'm hoping this will change with maturity.
I know that things at home had reached a point where we could not continue.

I feel like a terrible failure as a parent and have had to attend counselling to help me come to terms with my decision. I also endure the judgement of other "better" parents.

I really feel for you op it is a desperate situation to be in. I'm sure you're not giving up as a parent or being lazy...something which is often suggested by others who have no understanding of the horrors of difficult teenagers.

Controlling baths and Internet usage for a 16y is plain stupid.
Making allowance dependent on chores doesn't work with 8y, so as sure as hell it won't work at 16.

All teens make a mess and I'm a 100% certain your DC doesn't make as much mess as my DH.

Lights drive me nuts too!

nilbyname those are our key words! He doesn't contribute at all. Treats the place like a hotel, doesn't involve himself with others much except to wind up his sister, does everything under duress/threats of sanctions, and then omits something so nothing is ever quite as it should be.

He was at boarding school until the summer, has made a few friends at college and has a lot of freedom to come and go as he pleases.

moomins it's really not that simple...when you ask someone to do something, and they ignore the request, are they not just taking the p*ss?

OK. All the following are totally normal: flouting of rules, tears, shouting, bad times outweighing good (you have good times?? Count yourself lucky!). Really sorry to hear about the self-harm. BUT I'd cut the following rules: baths and showers, turning off lights -unless they're left on all night, internet use (make later or ignore), make your own bed (bed does not need to be made); chores for pocket money (DC can get a saturday job - which will get them out of house too). My DC is 19, still at home and I still prefer it when they're away. Also sounds like there's an issue around dad access to explore...

Does sound very petty. You surely aren't stressing because he doesn't make his bed? Does it really matter? Why can't he have a bath in the week? That seems very strange. As long as he isn't blocking the bathroom at inconvenient times, most parents would love for their teenagers to actually be washing!

Think you need to not sweat the small stuff and maybe the big stuff which you haven't mentioned? will go away.

Seriously it sounds like you are trying to apply house rules for a 10y to a young adult.

I just can't see how that is expected to end well.

Yes of course they are taking the piss, im constantly on at my 18 year old to clean his room. Im not going to throw him out because of it though.

He has a history of self harm and is under camhs, have you managed to get to the bottom of why hes doing it?

He's been at boarding school?

For fucksake, if you'd lived with the kind of rules schools have to have, you'd want some freedom at home.

He's going to push every boundary. You need to start very gently praising the good and ignoring the bad and negotiating everything.

Try how to talk so teens will listen, it may help.