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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Making 16yo move out

169 replies

hungryhippos · 08/01/2014 08:06

Has anyone gone this far? We have spent enough evenings in tears over behaviour, attitude and failure to adhere to house rules. Often sanctions are accepted with a mature attitude but there is no demonstration of an ongoing commitment to do as we ask. We could rent a room near the sixth form college and can afford to do this. Maybe we would all be happier then as DC can do as they wish and we won't be suffering from sleep deprivation, lack of food (feel too sick to eat due to emotional turmoil at times) and the dominance of this issue over every aspect of our lives.

OP posts:
longingforsomesleep · 08/01/2014 14:42

I really don't understand why flouting your house rules (some of which frankly seem rather odd) is causing you so much emotional stress that you can't eat or sleep?

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 08/01/2014 14:48

make your bed
no internet usage after 9pm school nights (10pm twice a week)
do an hour's chores per week for pocket money
baths at weekends only, showers in the week
if you make a mess, clear it up
turn off unnecessary lights

I've yet to meet a 16yo who does any of these things voluntarily. Mine will make beds, clear up messes, do chores if nagged, but I think a 9pm internet curfew at 16 is a bit strict.

And why no baths during the week?

Teenagers are well known for their inability to turn off lights, or do anything that saves household money!

If these are the only rules he flouts, then you have a GOOD teenager on your hands!

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 08/01/2014 14:50

I collected 12 dirty glasses, 4 dirty plates, a couple of mugs half full of coffee with mould growing on them and numerous knives, forks and spoons from my DDs (18) room last night. It exasperates me, but doesn't make me want to throw her out.

noddyholder · 08/01/2014 14:53

I agree with middle. My ds is at uni now and even when home for xmas the bulk of our crockery and glasses were in his bloody room and he is 19! H eis lovely though so I don't care and the difference between 16 and 19 is when I rant now he clears it up with no attitude and laughs about it!

Technoprobe · 08/01/2014 14:54

hungryhippos I too try to get my teen DC to adhere to these rules:
if you make a mess, clear it up
turn off unnecessary lights

We are in constant conflict about internet usage as what may be fair for my DD (aged 16) - i.e., open access - doesn't work at all for my DS (aged 13), whose access needs regulating otherwise he'd be on screen 24/seven every waking moment.

Plus:
flush the loo after using it Hmm
wash up (unless they cooked, which happens about once a year only if I beg and cajole)

I really feel for you as unlike some of the other posters, I don't think your rules are too strict. Sadly, I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that what I (and DH) regard as normal, reasonable behaviour and expectations is no longer seen as the norm among the current generation of teens and their parents.

What's the answer? No idea Sad

CouthyMow · 08/01/2014 14:56

Some of us HAVE to control baths and shower usage due to not having enough money for that amount of water and gas bills...

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 08/01/2014 14:57

But Couthy - the OP can afford to rent him a room somewhere else and send him to boarding school, so needing to save money on water bills is not an issue in this case.

HavantGuard · 08/01/2014 14:58

I'd totally understand if that we're the reason CouthyMow but the OP says 'We could rent a room near the sixth form college and can afford to do this,' so I don't think they're worrying about the cost.

HavantGuard · 08/01/2014 14:59

X posts

Proudmummytodc2 · 08/01/2014 15:00

I moved out when I was 16 and I have turned out well I moved in to my own flat paid my own rent went to college and uni got a law degree had my 2 kids who are nearly 3 and 10 months im nearly 23! And I'm still living I'm my own home with dp and kiddies and I'm going back to uni to become a midwife so it may give the independence needed and make them mature because I have now got a better relationship with parents than I did living with them but I always liked to be Independant x

Technoprobe · 08/01/2014 15:00

I suppose for me it boils down to whether they are generally pleasant to have around.

In my family, sadly, particularly in the case of my DS, the answer is no, so having our very basic and easy to follow house rules flouted can feel like the last straw.

Not only does he not do the very simple things we ask him to do, but he is also rude, unappreciative, entitled, apathetic… I could go on forever

However, I don't think the solution is to find your DS somewhere else to live, however tempting that may be. Sad Unfortunately, as their parents we just have to get on with it and hope that they will grow up as fast as possible Smile

HotCrossPun · 08/01/2014 15:04

Aside from the self harm, everything you have described is very minor.

Is there more to the story? Why are CAHMS involved?

Technoprobe · 08/01/2014 15:04

Take my hat off to you Proudmummy Or maybe I should eat my hat? Grin

CouthyMow · 08/01/2014 15:08

I HAVE to fight DD on the chores thing - if she isn't made to do her chores, then DS1 and DS2 refuse too on the basis that it's 'not fair'. Then none of them do any chores, and I can't always PHYSICALLY do them myself due to my disabilities. I actually had yo send DD to her Dad's for the Christnas holidays, 600 miles away in the top end of Scotland, because I needed the break. I've been so close to calling SS & throwing in the towel too lately, and DD isn't even 16 yet.

We have the added layers of DD's SN's, though. She unequivocally could NOT cope away from home without Carers. Which I don't get. But her meltdowns make my 10yo and 2yo cry and shake, and hide under their beds because they are scared, as she breaks things around the house.

Most of it is over : the fact that I can't afford to buy her separate dinners, and have time to cook them when SHE wants to eat, thus meaning she has to eat a cheaper, home cooked meal with all of us, at a set time if that dinner can't be reheated (like risotto etc.). That she can't have £15 a week pocket money like her friends do - because I would also have to give DS1 and DS2 £15 a week each. That's £45, out of £71 income support...

And last but not least, actually imposing times that she must be in by. Because she is still at school. And I want her in by 8.30 pm on a school night, 9-9.30pm at the weekend. That's always been non-negotiable until the end of Y11. All my DC's know that.

Claybury · 08/01/2014 15:08

Techno - you make a valid point about expectations. The book I mentioned earlier 'get out of my life....' addresses the point that teens now really are different and on reading it I realised a lot of my stress came from DH and I repeatedly thinking ' we were not like this', thinking it is our fault that our teens are unhelpful etc , plus having no family support because I don't wish to talk to my parents about my kids' behaviour for fear I will be judged as an ineffective parent. I'm sure my dad would say things like ' don't allow it' or ' I wouldn't put up with that '. I don't wish to hear this as it doesn't help in the least.
For me the way to reduce my stress is to lower my expectations for the moment. We have to focus on the big stuff, not neatly made beds.
The book also addresses the issues of technology in the home which was certainly not an issue in my childhood and causes a lot of conflict nowadays.
Life is just different now as are teenagers and it is NOT our fault !!

itstooearly · 08/01/2014 15:15

Let me get this straight This child has been away from his family in boarding school, his father doesn't want to see him but still sees his younger sibling and now his mother wants to throw him out at 16 because he wont follow house rules.
Poor boy. Teenagers are very hard work, more so than toddlers in my opinion,however your ds doesn't sound any different to my teenager and i am sure most others.
If you give up on your child now because its a bit rough what message are you sending him?

DaveBussell · 08/01/2014 15:19

I would be very worried about setting a self-harming young teenager up in their own place.

Technoprobe · 08/01/2014 15:20

I've read that book Claybury… but I still don't really understand why teens are so different to the way we were (I was born in the Sixties).

Like you, I don't discuss my problems with my DC with my parents because they wouldn't understand. The fact is, we didn't behave like our DC do. I might have disagreed with my parents' views as a teenager, but I respected them and would never, ever have challenged their right to expect me to behave as they wished while I was living with them.

My DC have zero respect for me and DH and think we are ridiculously strict. I just don't get it Sad Why do they not want to behave in a way that makes us dare I say it? proud of them?

AbiRoad · 08/01/2014 15:29

I dont get how getting him his own place solves this. If he lives alone her can:

not make his bed
use internet when he likes and go to sleep when he likes and do as little studying as he likes.
not do any chores and leave mess
have bath or shower as he sees fit
turn lights on as he sees fit

it does not solve this, it just means you do not have to witness it (or clean up after him). I think it is highly unlikely to solve your sleeping issues. I know I would be much more worried about a self-harming 16 yo living away from home, so unless the idea is that you think you will emotionally switch off if he is not there, this does not work even form your perspective.

uptheanty · 08/01/2014 15:41

proudmummy you give me hope

Thanks
longingforsomesleep · 08/01/2014 16:32

Proudmummy - did you choose to move out or were you asked to leave?

Claybury · 08/01/2014 16:37

Techno - agreeing with your most - I don't understand why they are like they are, but I accept that as a generation they just are different.
How many DC's do you have?
My DS1 is our problem, having a delightful DD just a year younger is lovely, but also highlights the difference between them. Neither is helpful, I'm getting over that, but DD 15 is lovely company, tells me school gossip, has a joke with me and DH, gives her little bother cuddles and is a pleasure to have around.
DS16 has been hostile and distant for 3 years and all the time acts like he dislikes us all intensely. Sad

Technoprobe · 08/01/2014 16:58

Claybury I have one DD (16) who is generally fine as long as things go her way, although she too feels we are terribly strict by not allowing mid-week sleepovers Hmm although I think we are incredibly lenient and open-minded.

Plus DS (13) who sounds like your DS (hostile, distant, uncommunicative, rarely expresses pleasure, e.g. even re exciting upcoming events such as a ski trip). It's wearing. Even more so when I think we are probably in for several more years of this sullen behaviour before he everything crossed comes out the other side. Really cannot imagine him ever being nice/happy again.

To add further 'interest', they don't get on at all. To say that our home life is a battleground most of the time is no exaggeration.Sad

Technoprobe · 08/01/2014 16:59
ssd · 08/01/2014 17:12

op, your rules sound stupid and inflexible

I can almost guarantee when your ds eventually leaves home you wont see much of him, ever...and the younger ones will be the same

pity they didnt do boarding school 24/7 so you didnt need to bother, eh Hmm

poor boy, no wonder he plays up (just like every other kid his age)