Making 16yo move out

[hungryhippos]

Has anyone gone this far? We have spent enough evenings in tears over behaviour, attitude and failure to adhere to house rules. Often sanctions are accepted with a mature attitude but there is no demonstration of an ongoing commitment to do as we ask. We could rent a room near the sixth form college and can afford to do this. Maybe we would all be happier then as DC can do as they wish and we won't be suffering from sleep deprivation, lack of food (feel too sick to eat due to emotional turmoil at times) and the dominance of this issue over every aspect of our lives.

I would sometimes get v angry with DCs, very occasionally, so if they really went over the top I would blow my top.

Which imo is healthier than tears as tears suggests disappointment to me and not just anger (anger seems reasonable to me when pushed to the end of your tether)

You seem to be in a rut of petty rules, and stubborn disrespect. With mistakes on both sides.

Is there an outsider who can come in and be present at a quiet discussion of rules etc with DS. Ask him what he might be happy to consider doing to contribute to household. Maybe cook the evening meal once a week or something that is less tedious than making bed (who cares?) or maybe helping DSibling with homework?

Sounds like he is not one of the household at present but an unwanted intruder which must be heartbreaking for him if he ever admitted it.

My DC know if I flip they have let things slip and I am really pissed off.

But because we don't have stupid, petty ridiculous rules we bimble along just fine most of the time. I went out to pick DS2 up earlier, I came back to DS1 hoovering. The kettle doesn't get put on without shouting out to everyone else.

We all treat each other how we want to be treated. I don't think my teens are worse than I was as a teen, I don't think their friends are. You get back what you put in IME.

Techno- if he's already worn you down at 13 I am very sympathetic and I'm afraid you may be in for the long haul. Oddly we suggested a ski trip in December and the idea was met with horror by both my teens.
People say find things to do together and we rack our brains but there is NOTHING we could suggest that would appeal as DS simply will not spend time with us except watching a box set ( which we do together ). Any 'special ' 1-1 time with a parent is out of the question. It's very sad.
Things came to blows in the summer and he said his grievance bores down to the fact that his friends are allowed a 3am weekend curfew and he is not. Fortunately that is so ridiculous to us ( as are weekday sleep overs!) it was easy to stand our ground! He is in with a crowd who have different family values and this is what we battle against. He is highly secretive , smokes weed and i think a lot of his behaviour is based on a need for secret relating to the drugs.

Sixteen year old doesn't want to be treated like a ten year old, has mental health problems and nevertheless behaves like a normal sixteen year old = throw him out.

You are a bad parent to even be considering it. Take a good look at your parenting - it's substandard.

My 2 teenagers would never cope with your rules either.

I can't get in their rooms most of the time, they both blitzed them at Christmas but they are untidy again now, I'm not sure that their beds have been made in the last 5 years. Internet is available 24/7.

In fact there are few rules here but most of the time we manage to get along, I have learnt not to sweat the small stuff, they respect me Nd their DF by keeping the family a areas tidy and I let them do what they want in their rooms and bathroom, they are responsible for their own cleaning and washing.

I can't understand why you are having so much difficulty and tears except for the fact you are trying to enforce petty rules.

^^ what Colditz said.
Take a good look at yourself. Talk to someone at Cahms. You opted out of parenting him when he was at Boarding School (I'm not completely anti BS, having used them for 2DCs but I do recognise that my role as a later was hardly onerous for those years) and now you want to kick him out because he leaves lights on and doesn't make his bed.
Shame on you.

I don't think I'd have so many rules and so on, especially with a more vulnerable teen. Yes, it's great if the bed is made but it's not the end of the world - choose your battles. My teen has a room that is a like a bomb site but works hard at school and gets top grades so I live with the room being like that.

At 16 they are old enough to choose when they have a bath and use the Internet, my teen has been relied on to set their own bedtime for some time now. I might make a friendly suggestion that it's time to stop revising and relax then sleep but that is about as far as it goes.

Making a mess and clearing it up and not leaving lights on seems fair enough.

Things are quite calm here with my teen; they have to wash up and dry up - two of them so one does washing and one does the drying up and they have to look after their pets and put their own laundry away. If they have exams and so on or a lot of homework then I wash up and the drying up can be left to drain. We have worked on compromise

pity they didnt do boarding school 24/7 so you didnt need to bother, eh

Which bit of boarding school are you unsure of. It IS 24/7 you know.

Sorry that should be 'my role as a parent was hardly onerous when they were at Boarding School.'

Uptheanty sorry been logged off just seen your message I chose to move out so which is obviously different from being kicked out because I was barely at home anyway lol plus if I stayed at home had to pay my mum and dad 500 pound as a one off digs off my first college nursery money n I didn't want to bring that age of course lol and it was easier for me and do as we stayed so far apart so was easier to just move in together xx

I haven't read every post so I could have missed something by looks of comments being made will need to go catch up lol x

Hmm, your DS is not old enough to use the internet after 9pm but he is old enough to live on his own?

What, exactly, have you been in tears and so stressed you are unable to eat about? If it is the self-harming then I sympathise, but - really - your rules would not work with my 12 year old let alone my 16 year old!
I do hope you are not working yourselves into a state because DS has had a bath on a designated shower day (or other such minor irritations).

As they say, pick your battles. If it were my 16 year old DS you were describing (and I do have a 16 year old DS), the only thing I would be worried about is the self-harming. Do you not understand that putting pressure on him to abide by such silly childish "rules" is causing stress for him too? And do you really want to heap more stress on a child who uses self-harming as a coping mechanism?

Omg this phone for changing things not nursery money bursary it was supposed to say x

Please don't throw him out.

Why the CAMHS involvement? Is that for the self-harming or is there something else?

Poor little bugger.

The only law you've listed that is worth it is earning money... its their choice. If they don't do it then they don't get paid.

What's happened is he's been sent away for a decent chunk of his life and it's very clear to him you don't want him poking at your nice comfortable bubble.

Step up and be a parent for fucks sake.

He's struggling emotionally.. kicking him out will backfire on you.

And what the frigg is going on with he bath thing? Just be happy he's going in the sodden thing.. I have to shoehorn mine.

The rules aren't the issue - anyone can make their own rules to suit their household and apart from the internet curfew they aren't unreasonable.

I feel so sorry for him - he has been completely rejected by his father (while continuing to see his sibling - enough to screw anyone up) and now his mother wants him out. If you really meant it when you wrote 'My love and support is infinite' then now is the time to really show that in words and actions.

What input does he get from his df? Does he already feel rejected? Self harm indicates trauma. You need to love him and accept him. Doesn't sound like he has had much of that so far

My 'D' M kicked me out at the age of 16, I have never forgiven her, she didn't care where I went, I ended up in a hostel. Please don't kick your child out, I would phone SS if I found out anyone did this to a sixteen year old after my experience.

You need to pick your battles OP, your son sounds like he needs your support.

I agree wholeheartedly with Sauvignon. He really needs your support, not to be shown the door.

Whos idea were all these rules, yours or your dps?

Im only asking because dp had some made ideas about rules, which I knew just wouldnt work but he didnt as he hadnt lived with a teen so suddenly having a 14 year old pushing boundaries and being far worse than your ds (drugs,fighting, police) was a shock.

Dp is still far more easily stressed about the state of ds1s room and things.

Although I suppose its all a new experiance for you too if hes been boarding.

I moved out just after I turned 17 (from choice) and its hard, its not what id want for mine.