Making 16yo move out

[hungryhippos]

Has anyone gone this far? We have spent enough evenings in tears over behaviour, attitude and failure to adhere to house rules. Often sanctions are accepted with a mature attitude but there is no demonstration of an ongoing commitment to do as we ask. We could rent a room near the sixth form college and can afford to do this. Maybe we would all be happier then as DC can do as they wish and we won't be suffering from sleep deprivation, lack of food (feel too sick to eat due to emotional turmoil at times) and the dominance of this issue over every aspect of our lives.

Seems like if he was at boarding school until recently, it isn't that he is terrible, just that you are not experienced at living with a typical teenager?

Hungry- to an adult your house rules seem fair. However I would have trouble enforcing them and I would be laughed at for having rules like that in my house.
Our rules are more like no illegal drugs in the house, no smoking in the house, keep in touch by text when you are out, adhere to curfews ( which are flexible). Our wifi switches off at night anyway.
My kids don't do chores, of course I know they should and we are slowly teaching them how to wash up and put on their clean bedding but our expectations are very low. For example DD15 was caught putting away unwashed crockery into cupboards because she couldn't bothered to wash up. DS16 made his own lunch the other day but refused to wash up- his justification ? He said he saved me a job by cooking it himself so why should he wash up too ! I am learning their brains are just not functioning as an adult's- yet!!
If you have no violence no drug abuse no going missing etc then what you may have is a normal teen. Not wishing to belittle the problem ( I know how awful it is, we have been in tears many many times ) but it sounds like you have a fairly normal teen here. Unless you are not telling us everything?
Hang in there, ignore the crap, detach, and relax the rules if that makes YOUR life easier.

Ok, so the rules aren't difficult or awful for your DS, but on that note are they really worth getting that upset about that you can't eat and are crying all the time? Over lights and baths? Really? Don't sweat the small stuff and you'll all be happier. If you can afford to rent him a room you can afford the odd light left on and overlook it surely? Don't give him pocket money if he doesn't do the chores. Simples.

I'm sorry, but if he is self harming and being seen CAHMS, there is a lot more to this story. I think you are getting overly emotionally involved and then blaming him, OP. This is not what a PARENT does, it is what a sibling does. You need to take it all on the chin, you need to be strong for him, and if you need some help to do this, then by all means get counselling or go on a course or whatever you need. Chucking him out will send him into some serious depression I think, and then you will suffer the consequences. He is your child. I think you have got far too used to not having him around and I actually feel very angry on his behalf. Grow up, OP.

I would try to help with the self harm and do anything I could think of to make him feel loved and cared for. I would try to get him to do a few things to feel like he has a link to the rest of you, whether that's helping with housework, hanging out with younger siblings, cooking with you occasionally, picking up some groceries, etc. I would take an as much of an interest in his studies and his plans for the future as he would allow.

All your list of problems seem trivial except the self harm and the creating bad feelings. (I have two boys aged 18 and 16.)

Sorry, but you are being totally ridiculous with those rules. He is 16, not 10 or 12!

I have a 19yo and a 17yo (turned 17 on Christmas Eve). We don't have rows, we never have because they are not controlled by ridiculous rules.

If they make their bed then it's fine. If they don't, I pull the door to and walk past it. They have to sleep in it, not me.

Internet is free range in this house. DS2 is often doing his homework or revision until 9pm. No way am I turning it off then, he needs to have some down time and relaxation. 10pm on a weekend, never in a million years. You do realise he will be coming in at 4am when he is 18, don't you?

Baths or showers, what does tj matter? Be grateful he is having them, so many teens don't. It would not occur to me to dictate to someone with an adult body how to keep it clean.

Turning lights off is infuriating, but not worth chucking your child out over.

Mess and chores is something that goes with the territory of having a child, especially a teenager.

You sign up to be a parent for life, for all of it, not just the nice bits. Stop shouting and talk to each other. I feel really sorry for him. He's been at boarding school and now he isn't wanted at home, poor boy.

Bath thing is really cruel. This much fuss over saving a bit of water?

Why is he not seeing his dad?

I think you need to lay off him a bit and relax into him being back at home. I think you are holding on too tight and giving him grief over too many little things.

Just want to add with experience of working with struggling families that asking him to leave the family home at such a young age will have an impact and effect on his life for a very long time. Probably a negative effect. Try and hang on for your childs sake and seek some support.

teenagers take the piss massively
in fact I have my twins and one of their partners living with me at the moment and they all royally take the piss. although I do not have to deal with behavioural issues at the moment.

my issues would be in terms of life chances.

If he moves out - I reckon he will suddenly have a lot more 'friends' party time, drugs

but even that doesn't bother me as much as debt.

even before uni, he could get himself into a world of trouble with debt

and the likelihood of him studying without mum around to nag? not very likely

I say this as someone who asked my son to leave aged 18 - he now has his own flat, he also has a lot of debt

I did all I could, I gave him every opportunity in life to succeed, my conscience is clear. I love him unconditionally even though he has the maturity of a 4 year old and is thoughtless to the point of unkindness.

I don't understand why Internet access has to stop at 9pm for a 16 year old. That seems bizarre. If he's doing A Levels that would be bang in the middle of his relaxing time after homework or possibly still doing homework he needs access for. The bath thing is just ODD.

When was the last time you had him living at home full time?

have to agree with other posters re: rules

make your bed: who cares? stay out of his room

no internet usage after 9pm school nights (10pm twice a week) - not sure why this isn't 10pm weekdays and unlimited at weekends

do an hour's chores per week for pocket money - aha! I don't agree with other posters here - I think this is perfectly reasonable, I would however say that you need to work out a fair family rota that includes you other dc and dh
baths at weekends only, showers in the week - If this is a water meter issue because you are skint - I see where you are coming from, otherwise not sure why this matters

if you make a mess, clear it up - fair enough
turn off unnecessary lights - unless you are running multiple chandeliers in a huge house, not sure why this is an issue

As mum of four over 16 I think the rules are really petty and definitely wouldn't be getting into battles and ending up in tears over them. If they really are all the problems you have with his behaviour then really you have a pretty much easy, par for the course, teen tbh.
At sixteen here there are very few rules other than let me know if you are out when I'm going to be doing food, tell me where you are going and when you expect to be back and text if your plans change and try and contribute something to the running of the house every week (no set chores here everyone pitches in when they have time)
They are responsible for their own rooms, if they are a mess (dd I'm looking at you ) I shut the door. They do their own ironing (and cooking and washing if they want to eat outside mealtimes and if the clothes aren't in the wash bins)
There are no internet restrictions as they get up for work and college, mess isn't too bad and I don't nag as generally each of them does something in the house every week. So I may tidy some of their mess but equally I might come home and find one of them cleaned the bathroom or cut the grass so it seems fair enough.
They all had weekend jobs so pocket money was minimal at 16 anyway.
Don't ask him to leave, talk, do less battling and more listening and treat him like a teenager rather than the pre teen that your rules suggest.

I'm afraid I also think the rules are petty. Why limit the wifi? He's 16, not ten and will very probably be working, using the internet, until well past 9 each evening. And 10pm on the weekend nights is ridiculous.

My older three are 17, 19 and 20. I couldn't care less if they make their beds - their shitpits can be shitpits frankly as I also have a four year old. Sometimes they tidy, more often they don't, but they also know that I will laugh at them if they ask me where something is.

They do do chores, but they have always done them, it's part of being part of a home, surely. They don't have curfews (obvs the oldest two are adults), but they respect that I like them to keep in touch and so they do. They are/were also at boarding school, with two now at university, and while sometimes they can drive me potty, I do get that they're teens/young adults - a whole breed away from us.

House rules don't exist in our home, everyone knows what is acceptable and what is not. Too many rules and they will give you a two fingered fuck off. If all they hear is no, no, no, then they tend to think 'meh, fuck them'

They all have jobs too which give them the freedom to do what they want with their own money. I'll sub them for babysitting etc, but I'm not funding their nights out or endless ASOS deliveries.

I don't want him to move out permanently but when he stays with a friend we all breathe a sigh of relief. The other three of us need a break from him and we are all counting the days until he goes off to uni, if he doesn't screw his A levels up completely.

OP please read this again as if you were your 16 year old self. Chances are he will be picking up this negative attitude. He may be obnoxious, but there is a way to deal with that without turning it into further stress for the rest of the family. Treat him like a toddler - ignore the bad behaviour, reward the good. Take time to bond with him by just being around him for no reason. Play games with him, hug him. Unplug the wifi at 10.30.

actually I don't think the rules are petty at all. Perhaps the bath thing is because he spends hours in there and someone else needs to wash?

the filthy behaviour of those who refuse to wash up disgusts me. That kind of entitlement should be rapidly addressed. They can live in a slum when they move out.

but there does seem to be more to it. No child should be hell to live with. I hope everyone gets the help they need.

I'm another who thinks those rules are really petty.

I have three teen DSes around that age, maybe I'm too slack with them, but seriously telling them to shower not bath?? Why the hell would you??

The pettiness of the rules probably drive him mad, and if you nag him to adhere to them too, well, that is probably why he rebels in other ways.

I would hate to live in your family set up. Do you try and have any fun together?

Teens are jolly trying that's for sure, but your rules are a bit silly for a 16 year old.

My main point would be that a child with serious mental health issues (self harm and CAMHS involvement) NEEDS to be at home with lots of love and support and kindness. Not moving out where he would be vulnerable to all kinds of pressures from peers, no one to cook or clean for him (people with MH issues are poor at self care often), and feeling abandoned.

Plus he's already had boarding school to contend with...some children find that environment very difficult.

He needs to be at home being given a lot of slack and a lot of love.

Why is he not in boarding school anymore op?
Was there a reason he went? Does your younger dc go to board or are you planning to send them? I'm only asking incase there is history of difficulties not identified so far.

I'm sure you are not so upset just because your ds wants a bath during the week

It can sometimes be hard to put into words how frustrated you feel & the reasons for it.

What are the good things about him? What fun things do you do together? What nice or encouraging things do you say to him?

It sounds miserable for him.

Sad to hear that a young boy who has spent time at boarding school now faces the possibility of being asked to leave the family home because he has broken some petty rules and upset the applecart. Have a read through some of the posts on destructive teenage behaviour, this will give you an understanding of what trouble actually is and the dilemmas other families have to endure and count your blessings.

OMG - 3 teenagers in our house and they wouldn't follow any of your house rules but it would never occur to me to want them to move out. I get exasperated with them all and sound like a cracked record asking them to bring dirty dishes downstairs, pick wet towels up etc. But they're not behaving like this because they're bad or malicious - they just don't notice! And I put up with it because I love them with all my heart and I would be appalled at the notion of cutting them loose at 16.

You really need to pick your battles - and most of your house rules really aren't worth the effort.

Those rules are always broken by 16 yr olds. Turn a blind eye they do come out teh other side