Making 16yo move out

[hungryhippos]

Has anyone gone this far? We have spent enough evenings in tears over behaviour, attitude and failure to adhere to house rules. Often sanctions are accepted with a mature attitude but there is no demonstration of an ongoing commitment to do as we ask. We could rent a room near the sixth form college and can afford to do this. Maybe we would all be happier then as DC can do as they wish and we won't be suffering from sleep deprivation, lack of food (feel too sick to eat due to emotional turmoil at times) and the dominance of this issue over every aspect of our lives.

did he actually want to leave boarding school or did his df or you decide you didn't want to pay for 6th form boarding so he had to come home and go to the local college?

he's been away from you at school for ages, he has mental health problems serious enough to get him support from camhs (not easily achieved these days - i've seen teens with awful problems left without) and a history of self harm. in the face of that causing drama over fucking lights and baths and bed making is utterly ridiculous and frankly callous.

the only thing to worry about now is - is he safe, is he ok, how is feeling, how is he coping, what treatment and support does he need. fuck your 'house rules' at this point.

perhaps we need to give you a few rules:

1. a child is for life, not just for christmas
2. you can't discard a dog let alone a child just because you don't like it anymore
3. always remember you're meant to be an adult
4. your issues with dealing with problems and emotional reactions to them are YOUR issues - not to be blamed on others. seek help so you cope better and can be a better parent - see rule 1) and 2) and 3) for clarification.

to say oh they have mental health problems and are really unhappy so i think i'll kick them out seems mental! you know? not even just cruel or lazy but literally you sound insane or personality disordered. your response to your own child's suffering and problems is near sociopathic.

christ just try to imagine you are having a mental break down of some sort, it's so bad that you've actually been harming yourself and the one person you have to rely on and hope may help you spends every day going on about friggin' lightswitches and bed making and how you should wash your body today. your only lifeline who knows you're breaking down and suffering awfully chooses to focus instead on their 'rules' for their house.

surely you have empathy? can you imagine it the other way round? even if it was you now, as an adult with those problems and your partner just went on about his 'rules'?

Actually the more I think about this, the more concerned I am.
OP I think you can't see the wood for the trees and that you need to stop, get advice and really prioritise your relationship with ds.
You've been given a right bollocking here, and I don't know how you're feeling now- perhaps angry or that we have no idea, but can you please just try and accept that there's probably at least a grain of truth in what so many strangers are saying, take stock and try and salvage this situation.

Can you explain more closely exactly why you are having such an intense emotional reaction to what seems like fairly normal teen uncouthness and rebelliousness?

I find it annoying when my teens talk back or make a mess. I have been known to lose my temper. But the reaction you describe is so extreme: feeling too sick to eat, unable to sleep. As a reaction to an unmade bed it seems to completely out of proportion. Do you think there could be underlying issues that are causing you to react this way? Or is there something far worse about his behaviour that you aren't telling us?

i have been harsh and i'm sorry if it's kicking you when you're down but i'm afraid i just felt strongly for your child. dealing with mental health problems even as an adult can be so traumatic - as a child a million times harder. your child is ill and it sounds like despite that and a lot of change he's actually keeping on going with his life, keeping up his education and still engaging with the world. a lot of adults don't manage that whilst suffering mental health problems. i think you need to step back and think about this again. focus on the real issues rather than being an authority figure who needs to win at this point.

parents who have lost children to suicide go through utter hell - i'm sure there are some on this site who have been through, and still go through, that. think about what you're suggesting here. even social services would not abandon one of their charges at 16 with mental health problems. does a parent not have a duty to do at least as much and ideally a million times more for their children than the state does for those without parents?

if it comes to you really not being willing to have him in your house he needs to be dealt with by camhs and ss and ideally found some sort of supported living situation - not be dumped in a room near college.

think further than solving your own problems. Think ahead to when he is gone and the further problems he will encounter out there alone feeling abandoned.
He may not come home again at all.
You may never see him again.
He may start a steady downward spiral.
Drugs.
Alcohol abuse
Skipping his studies and responsibilities due to no parental controls.
None of your problems are serious. Do you seriously think that getting him to leave will be the end of your/his problems.
Believe me it will be the start of more serious ones.
He will never forgive you.

For the record, my own teen has just been discharged from CAHMS and returned to full time education after years of school refusal and self harming. I am going singing about the house, not bursting into tears over an unmade bed or a bit of carelessness over a light switch.

I came home just now to find that the two numpties who represent teenagehood in this house had managed to spill their coke over the post and then dumped it in the bin (including my letter from the bank). No, I wasn't best pleased. It was idiotic of them. You could even say I was angry. But I am still planning to eat my supper.

There is something more here, isn't there, something underlying your distress?

Numpty, I was nearly one of those parents. I came home one afternoon last year to find dd had taken an overdose. Nothing could compare to that feeling.

Op, If your teen is under CAMHS he must have fairly serious problems as from experience I know that teens have to be considered at risk to be taken seriously. You sound under some strain, but chucking him out isnt the answer and places him at a very high risk of harm.

I have a depressed teen and its hard at times. Really, really hard. But I love him and we are in it together. And I try to put him first. Even if he wears me down, I try to remember that it is so much harder for him.

The behaviour is probably a symptom of his underlying problems, so try to take a step back. My rule when stressed is: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

cory . that is always my worst fear

I'm another who think your house rules are a bit bonkers for a 16 year old. Look at it from his point of view - he is being treated like a small child.

Our 15 year old sometimes drives us to drink, but even if he was a hormonal monster all of the time, there is no way we'd consider him living independently, it makes me sad to think of it.

OP, I'm wondering your DP fits into the dynamic? Do you feel able to say a little about that?

thank god she has you cory and you managed to get the help of the right services. i really hope her future is a lot smoother even if she continues to suffer with mental health problems it'll likely never be as hard and totally off the rails taking as when it hits in teens ime. plus you've learnt so much about it and know you've gotten out of it before and have accessed help before so you are far more equipped to deal with it if it happens again later on. fingers crossed for her though that's all behind her.

i think the rules have to be taken in context from the ds's perspective also - re: hang on, you didn't give a toss what i was doing at boarding school for x amount of years when i was younger, now i come home and suddenly you want to micromanage what methods of bloody washing i use on use on myself and monitor my internet usage?

in that context it could really bristle even without the fact the boy is ill and suffering aside from that adjustment.

he's been home what..? 5 or 6 months after being at boarding school for how long? to already want rid is so sad.

where are you op? ashamed now?

Maryz right, and once you stop sweating the small stuff you will have a much happier house hold.

Im still wondering if the dp has something to do with this? Its awful when you feel you are stuck in the middle and there has got to be more to this if you are crying all the time and unable to eat

ssd Your berating of the OP isn't helpful.

Hippos, you're being given a hard time, and I wouldn't be surprised if you'd stopped reading, but in case you haven't...

I really understand the urge to kick your DS out. You did actually say upstream (though most people seem to have missed it) that you don't really want to throw him out, you just want a break. There are some of us here who have lived with difficult, unlikeable teens, and know how badly parents sometimes need a break. If you don't get one when you need one, you can get quite desperate, can't you? I guess that's the point you're at...

Your family has been through some difficult times. I feel for you all. Your son has had to deal with a lot of changes, many of them beyond his control: your divorce, not living with his dad any more (and it sounds like perhaps not seeing him either), coming to terms with you having a new partner, leaving boarding school... You say he is self-harming, so he is obviously struggling.

I might be wrong, but I guess you are caught up in a powerful, confusing cocktail of emotions: I can imagine you might be angry, guilty, bereaved, frustrated, upset, exhausted, resentful, worried, and more - all at the same time. If you think that's true, it might be worth asking yourself if really it is these horrible feelings you want to go away, rather than your son?

He is probably also feeling a similar nasty mixture of emotions. It may be making him behave badly. I know my own son behaves badly when he's angry and upset; many people do. It's likely that his emotions and yours are clashing a bit...

In a similar situation with my own son a couple of years ago, I discovered some useful things...

Firstly, like Maryz says, you can't change anyone else, only yourself. If you focus on trying to change your DS's behaviour, you will probably fail, but if you aim to change your responses to his behaviour, you stand a good chance. Secondly - importantly - I discovered that I needed to be kind to myself. No-one else was, except occasionally (that's not meant to sound self-pitying; I think that's true for very many mothers, esp single parents), and it turned out that kindness was a sort of rechargeable energy, so while I wasn't receiving enough, after a while I wasn't able to give out much... I wasn't unkind, but nor was I able to be very kind, tolerant or compassionate - especially towards my son when he was behaving like an arse. But once I started being kind to myself, and my 'kindness batteries' got sort of recharged, I found myself much better able to be kind to him, and more likely to react with sympathy and understanding rather than frustration...

Also, incidentally and quite amazingly, being nice to myself seemed to encourage other people including my son to be nicer to me, as if I'd suddenly given them the message that I was worth kindness and respect. :)

All of this may be totally off the mark. Just ignore it if it doesn't ring true. :) But maybe it'll help... Good luck. :)

i like the kindness battery theory. i feel the same (and am another single mum) in terms of certain energies needing recharging in order to give/be on form/etc but i hadn't applied it to kindness specifically before and it does fit. i've gone back to teaching this week and after being argued with by a few difficult teens to the point of losing the will to live in the day i really can't deal with arguing with ds when i get home and i had a big chat with him about being kind to mummy and not being argumentative especially on the days i'm working.

OP if you're still around it would be good to find out where the extra stress is coming from - is your DP being supportive of you and your ds or just piling more stress or resentment on you?

There's a lot of smug, self righteous unpleasantness on this thread.
I hope none of you who have ridiculed or judged op find yourself in a desperate situation with your children.

op i hope you ignore the unhelpful comments and take advice from all those who have reached out in a positive way.

As i said before, i'm sure there is lots more to your story but unfortunately you haven't been back to share it with us.....can't say i blame you.

I hope you are feeling better today & that you have support in rl for you & your family.

OP my mother started throwing me out when I was 16. I kept going back because I had nowhere to go. At age 17 she took my house keys away and that was it, I was homeless. I kept going to school and somehow got my A Levels. But it was a difficult time. With the tenacity of teenagers and probably lack of awareness of my situation I managed to keep going. I spent months hungry, dirty and confused.

I see my mum regularly now and to all intents and purposes we have a normal relationship.

Thirty years after her throwing me out I am seeing a therapist for various reasons. The main thing that has come out so far is a huge amount of distress and anxiety about my young self being cast out and alone. I know realise that the lack of support I had led to bad decisions on my part and I struggle financially and emotionally to this day.

I have brought up 2 DCs on my own and DS is the same age as yours. He can be infuriating and there are no medals for getting through this time.

But I will keep the promise I made to myself when they were born: That they will never be put through what I had to go through.

I hope you can take the advice of the majority of posters on your thread and find a place in your heart (and home) for your DS.

I have to agree with most of the recent posts - your detachment when faced with the manifestation of his pain (self harming) is extraordinary.

I'm really shocked... He must be feeling such rejection from all of you.

I'm saving my sympathy for her son.