:-(
Many posts on this board about dd.
She went to stay with my mum and sister for 6 weeks at the start of the academic year after some violent outbursts which ended in us getting the police involved.
Things had been a bit better since she got back, but the last few weeks she has started to become more and more difficult with me again, and started getting into trouble again at school.
The long and short of it is that she is verbally abusive to me pretty much every day at the moment and it's destroying me emotionally to the point where I'm starting to feel ill and unable to function as a parent to my other 2 younger dc's.
This morning she asked me to buy her a McDonalds for breakfast. I said no - there was bacon and eggs, bread, yogurt, porridge, flour for pancakes. I told her to make her own breakfast. This precipitated an hour of verbal abuse - I am tight fisted, poor, pathetic, a loser, friendless, lazy, my work is worthless, nobody likes me, I'm useless to everyone.
I try to detach and ignore, but she will follow me around insulting me.
She bullies me and shouts me down, refuses to comply with any requests, constantly reminds me that she can do what she likes when she like, and there is NOTHING dh and I can do about it. She often tells me to 'shut up', makes obscene comments (in the car on Wednesday she spent 10 minutes telling me how she had sucked 5 men's cocks and fucked 15 boys one after another - all rubbish but just said to disgust and distress me. I am pretty sure she is not having sex with 1 boy, let alone dozens), shoves past me in the hallway of the house.
She shouts at me and abuses me if her uniform isn't ready in the morning (if I haven't remembered to hang it out to dry after it has been through the washer), tells me my cooking is disgusting and that the house is disgusting because I'm lazy and useless. She berates me for not having a full-time job or much money, laughs at me, tries to play DH off against me. Says he could do much better than me and that I should just leave.
The abuse is pretty frequent and almost always starts in response to me saying 'no' to her - no you can't have a sleepover on a school night, no you can't have money for the kebab shop, or if I ask her to do something she doesn't feel like doing eg get up in the morning, do some homework, whatever.
She is aggressive, nasty and disrespectful to some of her teachers at school as well, and is currently facing a possible permanent exclusion for disrespectful and disruptive behaviour.
She has a rationale for it all: apparently I am abusive to her because I let her sleep on a new mattress on the floor for several months (was trying to sort all the children's beds out - new bunk beds for the little ones, and she didn't like her old bed frame as it is old fashioned, so I dismantled it ready for storage). She also until recently had no door on her bedroom - it had come of its hinges after she tried to slam it in DH's face a few months ago and he pushed it. Her room is at the end of a long hallway with no other rooms going off it so she still had some privacy. Plus her window is cracked after his cousin kicked a ball into it - not so that there are holes in it, but the glass is crazed in one of the 4 squares. Also took her curtains down to wash and haven't put them back up (no privacy issues, her room overlooks a private garden) and sometimes condensation goes a bit mouldy on her window frame. None of these things are great but the rest of the upstairs of the house is worse. It's a biggish Edwardian terrace and quite scruffy - there is so much to do that we feel overwhelmed by it. Never the less - her room is decent by the standards of the other bedrooms. We put new laminate flooring in about 2 years ago, all the (sadly single glazed) windows were refurbished 3 years ago
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Teenagers
In despair - can't go on
minifingers · 14/12/2013 14:24
Palika have you been to the gp and said that re your dc?
You know they won't arrange foster care if there is a family member willing to have a child?
Have you had to call the police on your child and seen them screaming at the officer calling them a paedophile 
Just wondered. No amount of 'good parenting books' helped my dd.
Thanks for that Palka. 
DH and I have been thinking that we WERE pulling in the same direction - we are both clear about our expectations of DD and our expectations are the same.
I did point out to you, didn't I, that most of the time DD is amenable? It is only when she is being thwarted that she becomes objectionable? When we have an 'episode' both of us make it clear to her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and she is denied sleepovers, money to go out with friends etc. But then things go quiet for a while (usually because we have lowered demands to avoid continual conflict) then normal life resumes, and DH at this time will take her out and try to have a few hours with her which are not destroyed by anger and conflict. Usually they go to a film or out for a meal. I sometimes take dd out myself, but less so because I feel angry with her (because she is so much more difficult with me) and don't feel like doing it. But maybe you are right, that ALL treats and days out together should cease. This has been going on for three long years now. Maybe we should have abandoned all attempts at a normal family life and permanently suspended all family outings etc until dd could prove she could behave decently for six months or something.
And maybe we could confine her to a cellar or loft, so she could live in isolation (I am being sarcastic now, but it beggars belief that you are suggesting I stop the rest of the family using a whole section of the house in order to isolate dd. Maybe you live somewhere with multiple bathrooms/entrances or something, but I don't - I'm in a London terrace with a husband, a dog and three kids). Honestly - I want my children to have SOME semblance of a normal childhood, even if overshadowed by their sisters bad behaviour. We can't live in a state of siege for years on end, and neither do I think it would help.
We have decided after last weekend, that her being taken into care is something that we will do EVERYTHING to try to avoid, because of the permanent damage we fear it will do to dd and to our relationship with her. As for going to my GP and telling her I will hurt dd if they don't take her into care.... I have 2 younger children here, and I really don't want it on record that I am threatening my children with violence. Particularly as it isn't true - I would leave myself before laying a hand on dd.
As for me behaving like a teenager and feeling that nothing can be done (other than dd growing up and stopping being like this) - let me tell you what I HAVE done that hasn't improved the situation:
- 2 courses of family therapy with CAMHS (didn't help)
- Changed dd's school to one with better pastoral support
- Asked her school to provide help - she has a mentor and counsellor at school and is on a special programme of support there
- two parenting courses, including one on parenting teens
- Repeated calls to Family Lives helpline
- Sent her to live with my mum and sister for several months when her behaviour became impossible at the beginning of this term
- Called the police in response to violence
I have tried, I have had support and help from friends, teachers and professionals. Some of it has been useful, temporarily. But we are still here struggling and I have no hope, given what we have tried, that anything will improve much until dd grows up and stops of her own accord.
I come here for sympathy and support, and generally get it in spades. I am grateful for it. It helps me survive and go on, the feeling that people understand and are listening.
I appreciate you mean well and are convinced you have a solution to my problem, if only I would do exactly what you say. Maybe you think that criticising my attitude and wagging a finger at me will encourage me to pull my socks up or something. Honestly? It makes me feel reluctant to come back on this board.
Palika, parenting books and other mums didn't help me at all - God knows I tried.
If you are progressing, great, I'm happy for you. But I can tell you now that you are progressing because your teenager is willing. Mine wasn't, and mini's isn't.
I actually stopped dh dealing with ds a lot, because I felt and still feel that it was important that ds kept a reasonably civil relationship with someone since he was never going to have one with me.
Finally, your points:
- Go to the GP and say that you are about to harm your daughter - they will HAVE to take action then and find a safe place for her, e.g. foster care - I did that, they don't have to. They offered to take ds2 into care to protect him though . Trying to get a child into foster care is pretty much impossible
- Section off part of the house with a locked door and only allow DD into the main part of the house if she behaves herself - won't work, she will kick off and rightly so. You can't, in this day and age, lock kids into cellars. It's against the law - and locking her out of the house will mean her running away
- Stop DH do nice things for DD and pull in one direction with him - she will hate both of them and probably run away
- Stop thinking and speaking like a teenager yourself that 'nothing ever ever' can be done - it probably be can't, not if the dd isn't willing
- Get yourself the book 'parenting out of control teens' and follow it to the letter (that was a life-safer for us) - bollocks. This book again only works if the teenager is at least a tiny little bit willing.
- There are charities that deal with teenage abuse towards parents - try to find them and see if you can get some counselling from them - yes, you can get counselling. That's the one thing you can do, but it won't change the child's behaviour one bit. And you can't get counselling for them if they refuse to go.
I know you mean well. But there is another scale of difficult after what most people think is impossibly difficult, and having read many threads like Mini I think she is beyond that again.
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Pal, I know you mean well, but good grief you talk shit sometimes!
Here are some straight answers to your 'advice':
1. Go to the GP and say that you are about to harm your daughter - they will HAVE to take action then and find a safe place for her, e.g. foster care
No. If the GP actually believes mini, s/he will make a child protection referral. SS will then probably phone or maybe visit. They are likely to conclude DD is at no real risk and go away again. If they think that mini really is a risk to her daughter then they will (a) ask her to leave the family home because that is far easier than taking her daughter into care, and/or (b) remove her other children.
2. Section off part of the house with a locked door and only allow DD into the main part of the house if she behaves herself
Assuming this is possible... This would be seen as abuse. See (1) above for the action SS would then take.
3. Stop DH do nice things for DD and pull in one direction with him
Communication with difficult teens is rare and valuable. The girl needs her parents, and the OP needs a go-between, or family life will get even more awful.
4. Stop thinking and speaking like a teenager yourself that 'nothing ever ever' can be done.
I've resisted the urge to say this to you before, but really, think before you speak. This is so offensive that mini has done well to restrain herself from telling you to f* off. The reason she feels 'nothing can be done' is because she has asked for help dozens of times and spent three years trying everything you can possibly think of, and more.
5. Get yourself the book 'parenting out of control teens' and follow it to the letter (that was a life-safer for us).
In other posts, you have admitted you are struggling, so I'm not sure you can honestly say this approach has worked for you. You want to believe it will work, but sadly wishing does not make it so. Goodness knows it's frightening to face the reality that in fact nothing 'works' with some teenagers except perhaps time; but ultimately, those of us who have faced this and still survived are incredibly strong, and worth listening to.
6. There are charities that deal with teenage abuse towards parents - try to find them and see if you can get some counselling from them.
No, there aren't.
mini, I am so glad you have decided to try to detach. 
It's the only way to survive. I echo what mary and laura and others say about it being about control. It certainly was with my DS, too. I have lots more thoughts about this, but I'm going out now, so I'll save them for another time. But for now, give yourself credit for having made a bit of a breakthrough. :)
Hey flow
what's up with the bad language? I am disappointed in you that you are not capable of keeping this conversation civil 
Also, you seem to sit on a barrel of anger...you may want to do a few relaxation exercises otherwise you'll give yourself a nosebleed.
So, you do think I am talking ....? Well, all I can say the feeling is mutual. I could spend the rest of the evening going through your posts and pulling them apart for every depressive and defeatist 'advice' you are giving other people here. I tried to tell you that in a nice way but obviously you don't want to hear it. And for goodness sake, come down from your high horse that your are the queen's bees counsellor on this forum. In my eyes you are absolutely not.
Also, I find it rather unfair that you attack me so personally when I have already withdrawn from this conversation as Mini does not want to hear my ideas.
I don;t want to go over them again as they make mini feel worse and that is not my intention. I have now understood that she only wants sympathy and not solutions and I accept that.
All I want to say is that EVERY SINGLE point I have made here I have either done myself or I have read others do here successfully - particularly how to get violent children into foster care. I also read an article in the Daily Mail about two charities which exist for the sole purpose of helping parents with violent teens. Everybody who cares could find these charities after a 10 minute internet search.
Flow, for mini's sake can please stop attacking me here on her thread as I want to withdraw from it. If you want to have it out with me you can pm me.
Mini, I apologise that I have come up here again. I will not say any more to you and wish you all the best.
Also, apologies for taking so long to understand that you are not really looking for solutions but more for sympathy.
Your comment about mini not wanting solutions is downright nasty . Your "solutions" are things she has already tried and they haven't worked.
You are implying that if she just parents her dd better her dd will behave better. That is ridiculously simplistic and fucking unfair.
If your intention is to make her feel shit, then congratulations, you have probably succeeded.
Your last sentence is a shocker. And don't say you are withdrawing, but withdraw with a condescending dismissive final sentence - that's pathetic.
....and anyone that precious about a swear word definitely hasn't encountered an aggressive teenager 
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Ironically, after making this thread I am sitting here at 7am drinking a cup of tea bought to me in bed by DD! :-)
First time ever.
Thank you Santa.
And thank you DD! 
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