:-(
Many posts on this board about dd.
She went to stay with my mum and sister for 6 weeks at the start of the academic year after some violent outbursts which ended in us getting the police involved.
Things had been a bit better since she got back, but the last few weeks she has started to become more and more difficult with me again, and started getting into trouble again at school.
The long and short of it is that she is verbally abusive to me pretty much every day at the moment and it's destroying me emotionally to the point where I'm starting to feel ill and unable to function as a parent to my other 2 younger dc's.
This morning she asked me to buy her a McDonalds for breakfast. I said no - there was bacon and eggs, bread, yogurt, porridge, flour for pancakes. I told her to make her own breakfast. This precipitated an hour of verbal abuse - I am tight fisted, poor, pathetic, a loser, friendless, lazy, my work is worthless, nobody likes me, I'm useless to everyone.
I try to detach and ignore, but she will follow me around insulting me.
She bullies me and shouts me down, refuses to comply with any requests, constantly reminds me that she can do what she likes when she like, and there is NOTHING dh and I can do about it. She often tells me to 'shut up', makes obscene comments (in the car on Wednesday she spent 10 minutes telling me how she had sucked 5 men's cocks and fucked 15 boys one after another - all rubbish but just said to disgust and distress me. I am pretty sure she is not having sex with 1 boy, let alone dozens), shoves past me in the hallway of the house.
She shouts at me and abuses me if her uniform isn't ready in the morning (if I haven't remembered to hang it out to dry after it has been through the washer), tells me my cooking is disgusting and that the house is disgusting because I'm lazy and useless. She berates me for not having a full-time job or much money, laughs at me, tries to play DH off against me. Says he could do much better than me and that I should just leave.
The abuse is pretty frequent and almost always starts in response to me saying 'no' to her - no you can't have a sleepover on a school night, no you can't have money for the kebab shop, or if I ask her to do something she doesn't feel like doing eg get up in the morning, do some homework, whatever.
She is aggressive, nasty and disrespectful to some of her teachers at school as well, and is currently facing a possible permanent exclusion for disrespectful and disruptive behaviour.
She has a rationale for it all: apparently I am abusive to her because I let her sleep on a new mattress on the floor for several months (was trying to sort all the children's beds out - new bunk beds for the little ones, and she didn't like her old bed frame as it is old fashioned, so I dismantled it ready for storage). She also until recently had no door on her bedroom - it had come of its hinges after she tried to slam it in DH's face a few months ago and he pushed it. Her room is at the end of a long hallway with no other rooms going off it so she still had some privacy. Plus her window is cracked after his cousin kicked a ball into it - not so that there are holes in it, but the glass is crazed in one of the 4 squares. Also took her curtains down to wash and haven't put them back up (no privacy issues, her room overlooks a private garden) and sometimes condensation goes a bit mouldy on her window frame. None of these things are great but the rest of the upstairs of the house is worse. It's a biggish Edwardian terrace and quite scruffy - there is so much to do that we feel overwhelmed by it. Never the less - her room is decent by the standards of the other bedrooms. We put new laminate flooring in about 2 years ago, all the (sadly single glazed) windows were refurbished 3 years ago
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Teenagers
In despair - can't go on
minifingers · 14/12/2013 14:24
I have just read this and wept, mainly because up until around a year ago this could have been me writing, except my DS was even worse. I totally get it when I read how people feel that no one can ever imagine how bad things can get and how bad you can feel as a mother when it all goes wrong. My ds was a nightmare from very young, tantrums, verbal abuse and later physical abuse. GP referral to Cahms amounted to nothing, they agreed he had behavioural issues. ffs he was screaming abuse at me trashing my things, punching holes in doors and gave me more than one black eye and bruises all up my arms. I wanted to throw him out but knew I could not give up on him. I felt like I hated him and it was all my fault but did not know what I could have done to make him so angry and vile. I cried so many tears and came close to leaving or doing myself harm because of it all. it felt like no one understood or cared, when I tried to tell people they would smile and say 'teens eh' or platitudes to that effect as if he was just a bit naughty. ss came round but because we are a middle class articulate family with another perfectly well behaved DS they did not seem to care or believe us when we described what was happening. Like Maryz one day I came to the point where I had to stop caring, I backed away from the constant confrontations, hid in my room a lot and avoided him, stopped letting his hate affect me and it did get easier. I accepted I had failed him and concentrated on the DS I seemed to have got it right with. I stopped the endless hours of self analysis and recrimination and changed the way I felt about what he did.(helps o focus on not what they do but on how you respond to it, classic cognitive behaviour therapy which I read a lot about and it helped) he gradually got better, he reached 18 and had the freedom he craved. made his decisions himself and I know this sounds crap and stupidly easy for anyone going through it right now but he did seem to grow up. Getting a gilfriend helped and when they broke up he coped well. He left home recently and turned 21 started Uni (later than most as he took a while to figure out what he wanted to do) he has been living a wild student life recently but comes over every week, I now get a hug, texts saying he loves me and at xmas he came round with really thoughtful presents for us all. he has transformed into a nice man! I never would have believed it possible. he still has a terrible temper and is stroppy when things do not go his way but today he came round, hugged me and kissed me, told me all his girl problems, asked my advice, told me he loved me and went again. I am now a calmer contented person who sees the good in him. point of this post? partly to get it off my chest, partly to say to those going through it, unless there are circumstances such as SN and Mental health issues which may not make it easy for the situation there is hope for a happier future and I know what you are going through. sorry, very self indulgent of me here but reckon its a post that not many are reading still so might get away with it. advice? battle on, get help for yourself and try to detach a bit, they can only fight if someone fights with them, doing the 'oh dear' as maryz suggested and walking away, whilst really hard is really the best thing you can do. I used to say to DS ' whatever you are angry about is your issue, not mine, I will talk to you when you have calmed down' then I would busy myself elsewhere or go in the bath or out and sit in my car away from him. he calmed down better than when I screamed back at him.(which I did a lot of 
) you are not alone, there are loads of us who know what you are dealing with and that its not just a teen strop. take care, it won't feel like it but it can get better.
olive, I really like your Italy/Holland analogy; that's exactly what it felt like to me too.
mini, I'm glad you had a good start to the day. Hope it continued. :) I do think that for a lot of teenagers, the utterly horrible phase does pass, and they simply are not aware of how awful they can be... My DS1 recently pulled DS2 up on the way he was speaking to me, quite harshly. Later I pointed out that DS2 had learned that rudeness directly from him... And after several minutes thought, (he was washing up) he came back to me and said, "Mum, if I ever talked to you like that, I'd just like to apologise". 
Eventually, providing drug use or other extra difficulties don't get in the way, many of them do seem to gain more self-awareness as well as more self-control, and become more pleasant to be around again... Fingers crossed, mini! :)
He's 29 now and better but still a weed head and can't keep a job. He's a compulsive liar and I live in fear of him having to come home.
He got into harder drugs too but no more.
He's got a nice girlfriend so I worry that if that ends he'll fall apart.
The only thing I can attribute it to is that he saw a lot of violence from his dad but we went on to have very settled life with my exdh who was fab to him.
I was very young though so I wonder often if i could have done things differently.
I am so glad that the day has started on a wonderful note for you, may it continue at least for a little while.
Hang in there and detach detach detach.
More hugs and of course 
Olive
I'm with you.
You know the school refusing thing? I used to think I was going to explode it would distress me so much. I'm also a qualified teacher (though not working with children now). Thankfully dd has stopped school refusing for the time being, because she has a good time at school (lots and lots of friends) and most of her teachers 'get her'.
So many people here believe in punitive parenting. And I have had otherwise sensible people advising me to hit DD round the face when they hear about her behaviour. 
Ironically, after making this thread I am sitting here at 7am drinking a cup of tea bought to me in bed by DD! :-)
First time ever.
Thank you Santa.
And thank you DD! 
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....and anyone that precious about a swear word definitely hasn't encountered an aggressive teenager 
Your comment about mini not wanting solutions is downright nasty 
. Your "solutions" are things she has already tried and they haven't worked.
You are implying that if she just parents her dd better her dd will behave better. That is ridiculously simplistic and fucking unfair.
If your intention is to make her feel shit, then congratulations, you have probably succeeded.
Your last sentence is a shocker. And don't say you are withdrawing, but withdraw with a condescending dismissive final sentence - that's pathetic.
Hey flow
what's up with the bad language? I am disappointed in you that you are not capable of keeping this conversation civil Also, you seem to sit on a barrel of anger...you may want to do a few relaxation exercises otherwise you'll give yourself a nosebleed.
So, you do think I am talking ....? Well, all I can say the feeling is mutual. I could spend the rest of the evening going through your posts and pulling them apart for every depressive and defeatist 'advice' you are giving other people here. I tried to tell you that in a nice way but obviously you don't want to hear it. And for goodness sake, come down from your high horse that your are the queen's bees counsellor on this forum. In my eyes you are absolutely not.
Also, I find it rather unfair that you attack me so personally when I have already withdrawn from this conversation as Mini does not want to hear my ideas.
I don;t want to go over them again as they make mini feel worse and that is not my intention. I have now understood that she only wants sympathy and not solutions and I accept that.
All I want to say is that EVERY SINGLE point I have made here I have either done myself or I have read others do here successfully - particularly how to get violent children into foster care. I also read an article in the Daily Mail about two charities which exist for the sole purpose of helping parents with violent teens. Everybody who cares could find these charities after a 10 minute internet search.
Flow, for mini's sake can please stop attacking me here on her thread as I want to withdraw from it. If you want to have it out with me you can pm me.
Mini, I apologise that I have come up here again. I will not say any more to you and wish you all the best.
Also, apologies for taking so long to understand that you are not really looking for solutions but more for sympathy.
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