:-(
Many posts on this board about dd.
She went to stay with my mum and sister for 6 weeks at the start of the academic year after some violent outbursts which ended in us getting the police involved.
Things had been a bit better since she got back, but the last few weeks she has started to become more and more difficult with me again, and started getting into trouble again at school.
The long and short of it is that she is verbally abusive to me pretty much every day at the moment and it's destroying me emotionally to the point where I'm starting to feel ill and unable to function as a parent to my other 2 younger dc's.
This morning she asked me to buy her a McDonalds for breakfast. I said no - there was bacon and eggs, bread, yogurt, porridge, flour for pancakes. I told her to make her own breakfast. This precipitated an hour of verbal abuse - I am tight fisted, poor, pathetic, a loser, friendless, lazy, my work is worthless, nobody likes me, I'm useless to everyone.
I try to detach and ignore, but she will follow me around insulting me.
She bullies me and shouts me down, refuses to comply with any requests, constantly reminds me that she can do what she likes when she like, and there is NOTHING dh and I can do about it. She often tells me to 'shut up', makes obscene comments (in the car on Wednesday she spent 10 minutes telling me how she had sucked 5 men's cocks and fucked 15 boys one after another - all rubbish but just said to disgust and distress me. I am pretty sure she is not having sex with 1 boy, let alone dozens), shoves past me in the hallway of the house.
She shouts at me and abuses me if her uniform isn't ready in the morning (if I haven't remembered to hang it out to dry after it has been through the washer), tells me my cooking is disgusting and that the house is disgusting because I'm lazy and useless. She berates me for not having a full-time job or much money, laughs at me, tries to play DH off against me. Says he could do much better than me and that I should just leave.
The abuse is pretty frequent and almost always starts in response to me saying 'no' to her - no you can't have a sleepover on a school night, no you can't have money for the kebab shop, or if I ask her to do something she doesn't feel like doing eg get up in the morning, do some homework, whatever.
She is aggressive, nasty and disrespectful to some of her teachers at school as well, and is currently facing a possible permanent exclusion for disrespectful and disruptive behaviour.
She has a rationale for it all: apparently I am abusive to her because I let her sleep on a new mattress on the floor for several months (was trying to sort all the children's beds out - new bunk beds for the little ones, and she didn't like her old bed frame as it is old fashioned, so I dismantled it ready for storage). She also until recently had no door on her bedroom - it had come of its hinges after she tried to slam it in DH's face a few months ago and he pushed it. Her room is at the end of a long hallway with no other rooms going off it so she still had some privacy. Plus her window is cracked after his cousin kicked a ball into it - not so that there are holes in it, but the glass is crazed in one of the 4 squares. Also took her curtains down to wash and haven't put them back up (no privacy issues, her room overlooks a private garden) and sometimes condensation goes a bit mouldy on her window frame. None of these things are great but the rest of the upstairs of the house is worse. It's a biggish Edwardian terrace and quite scruffy - there is so much to do that we feel overwhelmed by it. Never the less - her room is decent by the standards of the other bedrooms. We put new laminate flooring in about 2 years ago, all the (sadly single glazed) windows were refurbished 3 years ago
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In despair - can't go on
minifingers · 14/12/2013 14:24
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Can't restrict her to her room - she just refuses to move if she doesn't want to. But I can remove myself from the situation! 
minifingers I totally agree. I cringe at these responses from well-meaning posters who really think repairing a window, giving a hug or being positive will help these children.
My own mother alternates weekly with calling me weak and spoiling him to calling me cold and too strict. She took him on holiday when he was 13 and came back terrified. He was combative the whole time, refused to wash, change his clothes, be polite, even drink water (it was a hot country) - when pushed he would square up to her. He is not afraid of anyone. I have to remind her of this when she judges me. Which is often.
I have developed stress related conditions - fibromyalgia, migraines, TMJ, weight-gain, insomnia, depression.
There is NO-ONE to help. NO-ONE.
The other thing is it's tearing my marriage apart. Living with that kind of tension and misery in the house is so corrosive.
It's also tiring 'pretending'. Lots of extended family have boys the same age. I would be mortified if they knew the truth. Concealing a big secret is exhausting. They are all visiting Boxing day. I will clean his room and play happy families on the day 
Palika - you are right. DH could do more than defend me and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable.
He could stop taking her out on her own. Make her hate and resent him as much as she hates me. Maybe if he got really firm with her she would have run away. She has often threatened to.
I'm sure that would help.
As for the negativity - yes, I have become negative. It's taken three years, during which time I have experienced the police being called to the house to deal with her threatening and hitting me, a search with dogs for her when she ran off into the night, her kicking holes in doors and walls, dozens of complaining texts, emails and calls from school, repeated meetings with teachers, the threat of large fines in response to her failure to attend school, the current threat of permanent exclusion from school (still hanging over us), watching my younger children cry in fear of her, having to listen to her call her 8 year old brother 'retarded' in front of him and for him to hear her blame me for his autism (because I had him at the age of 38). Yes - this has ground me down and made me feel negative and guilty.
Would you like to add to the guilt by pointing the finger at me and at my marriage as being the main source of the problems we are having with dd?
Do you have a teenager yourself or is your interest strictly academic.
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