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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg!!!! [ a dead chick too far]

90 replies

brighterfuture · 27/10/2012 18:02

Ds1 17 is having a massive dope comedown, depression , hormonal teen. Dh has escaped with dd to find some normality. House is a total tip because I have been working all day and noone has cleared up. I also am a messy tip because I've been working outside in a dirty environment.....

Final straw 2 very well turned out mums with their 2 Ds's just arrived to drop them off for a 2 day stay with my ds214. I do vaguely remember him asking me if his friends could come over in the holidays but my brain is so full of other things I pushed it aside. I am sure I never agreed to 2 days.... As I am making polite conversation with immaculate mummys I notice dead chick dd8 has left on the kitchen table Blush

I should have said no but ds 2 has had such a crap time lately because of his brother's behaviour and its rare for him to invite friends. We also live quite remotely so they'd driven a fair way.

Am now defrosting burgers, hoping Ds 1 will not explode again, and can keep it under control and wondering

a) how I can keep our dysfunctional mayhem under control for the next 2 days without collapsing from the stress of it all
b) How do other families retain normality for their dc when one sibling has really challenging behaviour
c)what the fuck am i going to feed them all.....

OP posts:
PickledFanjoCat · 27/10/2012 18:04

Oh love! I got no advice as ds is only 1 but just stuff sine burgers in them and lie in bed with pillows on your head!

MaryZcary · 28/10/2012 00:01

I sympathise.

We are having a horrible weekend as a result of a visit from the drug squad Shock and making ds1 clear out his room.

We haven't found anything, but I know he is smoking a ridiculous amount of weed and his behaviour at the moment is becoming psychotic again.

Luckily dd and ds2 were out when the police came, so know nothing about it. But dd has friends here on Wednesday, so I hope I can calm everything down by then.

It is so hard, protecting younger ones from older dysfunctional teens.

So:

a) pretend everything is ok, keep calm and carry on.
b) they pretend.
c) pizza.

Good luck.

Startailoforangeandgold · 28/10/2012 00:06

Drugs = fuck off out the door and don't come back. DH looses his job for any trouble with the law.

My DDs have been told this since they were about 8, I pray it's sunk in. They are a bit young yet.

Original poster
brighterfuture · 28/10/2012 07:09

Maryz That must be so horrible having the drug squad visit ... although maybe that is the sort of shock my Ds needs.

My ds is lovely one minute and then at the slightest provocation can lose it so badly. He's so off the scale that the only way to deal with him is to be incredibly calm and loving even though he's being a total psychotic dick.

He really has moments where he is quite insane. He has recently 'lost' everything, all his money is gone, his computer is gone, his mp3....he is so depressed because life's such a bitch. All this of course has nothing to do with his drug taking and the people he chooses to hang out with.

Yesterday was particularly bad day for us all. I asked dd 8 a question and she couldn't hear me , turns out she'd found ear plugs and put them in her ears to protect herself from all his roaring !

I do fear for the effect its having on her and my other ds. They see him ' getting away' with the most apalling behaviour , past experiences have shown that coming down hard makes no difference , it just means he doesn't come home and gets even more fucked up Sad

startail I'm not ready to show him the door yet. I'm not clear if its the drugs or if he's mentally ill or both. He needs compassion.. underneath it all he's really suffering that's why he's making us all suffer so much too.

OP posts:
Original poster
brighterfuture · 28/10/2012 07:23

Just re read above and it sounds like I'm a total soft touch muppet... I really am not at all. Its just that normal sanctions, taking away privileges, punishments etc. don't work.

OP posts:
MaryZcary · 28/10/2012 09:42

We've been through that - I will never forget the day ds1 decided to go camping in the middle of December. He just went absolutely nuts, banging around the house finding tents and sleeping bags. And another day he went at ds2 with a hurley Sad.

I think he completely forgets things from day to day when he is "coming down".

And the trouble with cannabis is that it lingers in the bloodstream, so as far as I can see, it takes about three weeks. Week one is ok, week two he gets progressively more and more twitchy, panicky, can't sleep or eat, becomes paranoid, turning psychotic towards the end of the week.

I presume after that it settles down. But sadly ds always gives in and has a joint.

Start, I thought that was how I would be. But in fact it isn't that easy. ds started smoking dope at 12. He has Asperger's, suffers from depression and anxiety and wouldn't last if I threw him out. He would be on the streets.

And we aren't quite there yet. He is improving as he matures, just very slowly with two steps forward and one step back. Five years ago I thought he would be dead by now, but he isn't and he is back in education and he is (generally) civilised at home. Had I thrown him out he would definitely be dead.

MaryZcary · 28/10/2012 09:45

Oh, and brighterfuture, if it is any consolation, dd and ds2 (now 16 and 14) despite the shitty times, have massive understanding of ds1. They recognise that he is sick, and they know that they wouldn't want to be like that, even if it did mean them getting away without rules.

In fact, dd wants to do occupational therapy or SN teaching and work with autistic children.

Having ds1 around has taught them a lot, and it isn't all bad (even though some of it is really, really awful).

MousyMouse · 28/10/2012 09:49

you know what:
can you offer the guests and your dc a fiver each for cleaning, tidying, doing laundry? whilst you have a long soak or lovely rest

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 28/10/2012 09:49

My children would be out on their ears if they brought drugs home. DH would lose his job, we would lose our home. They know that and at 15& 17 have absolutely no interest in any type of drug.

Anyhow, what I wanted to say OP, was it is incredibly offensive to use the term 'eppy'Hmm. I do hope that no one close to you never suffers with epilepsy!

Sparklingbroomstick · 28/10/2012 09:53

Oh. I ready 'eppy' as 'having an episode'. Blush

Original poster
brighterfuture · 28/10/2012 10:03

tuttu I am so sorry to give offense. stupid me... i never even realised that's what it meant ! I will never use it again !

I am glad your son is improving maryz it must be such a relief, even if you are not out of the woods yet all credit to you for hanging on in there.

I had such a vivid dream a few years ago that my son was dead... I too fear for my ds Sad Its helpful to hear how your other dc have managed and gained from their experiences.

OP posts:
Sparklingbroomstick · 28/10/2012 10:04

brighter is it possible his behaviour will improve as you have guests or am I being naive?

I am only 5 months into my 'Mum of a teenager' era and I am already a bit baffled. DS1 was vile most of yesterday, we had a huge ding dong about nothing before bed. He's got up this morning as if it never happened and is being all nice.

I am guessing this teenager malarkey is an ongoing learning process for all and you never quite know what you are going to get.

MaryZcary · 28/10/2012 10:08

Yes Tuttut, I'm sure yours would.

[sigh]

I also knew exactly how I would deal with things, but sometimes it isn't that easy. As the parent of a troubled teenager, sometimes you have to take the least worst path.

WofflingOn · 28/10/2012 10:13

God help your children if they ever have complex issues or are in desperate need of help because they have broken your rules TutTut, you have made it very clear to them what your priorities are. Sad

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 28/10/2012 10:15

Eppy?! That is INCREDIBLY offensive.

cluelessnchaos · 28/10/2012 10:17

I've heard lots of people say they would chuck their kids out if they were involved in drugs but never heard of people actually having done it. I don't think it's as clear cut as that, so do you chuck them out age 12 after having a spiff. Or hear they have done a line of speed at a party and chuck them out or are we only talking about habitual users over the age of 16 and just wait for the knock at the door from the police. My dd1 is 14 and isn't involved in drugs ( but is hormonally all over the place and can be vile as they come) and I have three others younger and I just think oh but for the grace of god go I

Original poster
brighterfuture · 28/10/2012 10:18

I've already apologised couthy don't have a go at me I'm already up to here with it !

OP posts:
cluelessnchaos · 28/10/2012 10:18

Couthymow, op said she didn't realise what it meant and wouldn't use it agian

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 28/10/2012 10:19

Why sigh Mary? I can't help the fact that my children aren't interested in drugs can I? I explained what I would do, I gave the reasons why they probably aren't. DS1 wants to join the Army in a few months, he is hardly going to be chucking weed down his throat is he?

I am sorry for all of you who are having to deal with this. I am sure it is very difficult and puts a lot of strain on your families. I hope you all come out the other end very soon, and I genuinely mean that.

cluelessnchaos · 28/10/2012 10:19

Shite just realised dd1 is 15

MNHQ
KatMumsnet · 28/10/2012 10:20

@brighterfuture

tuttu I am so sorry to give offense. stupid me... i never even realised that's what it meant ! I will never use it again !

Hi OP, just to let you know we've removed that word out of your first post.

Best of luck with everything Thanks

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 28/10/2012 10:24

I see I'm not the only person who has mentioned that. I find it offensive as I DO have epilepsy.

On the thing with your DS - I used to be a very heavy dope smoker as a teen. I haven't touched it since I was 22. It is possible to come out the other side, even if you are a nightmare to be around for other people in the meantime.

How to look normal to visitors? I don't bother any more!Grin I have a sign on the inside of the front door that says "You don't have to be odd to live here, but it helps!"

Food for teenage boys? Lots of crisps and some pizzas. They should be able to manage cooking pizza themselves and this leave you alone.

cluelessnchaos · 28/10/2012 10:24

Tutu it's a little patronising to suggest the reasons why your kids aren't doing drugs is because you have told them not to, in fear of your dh losing his job and all of you your home. If it was as simple as that there wouldn't be any kids doing it.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 28/10/2012 10:27

Sorry, OP, I can see you are having a hard time, but that doesn't excuse casual disablism.

And as I have epilepsy, I CAN bloody well be as offended as I want about someone using that word in that way, ok?!

Sparklingbroomstick · 28/10/2012 10:28

Do any parents of teenagers know absolutely for sure that they aren't dabbling with drugs?

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