Wealthy family - how to make Teen realise this is not "real life"

[homebythesea]

Will try not to drip feed - and this is not stealth boasting - just the facts...

We are a wealthy family by dint of good luck, mad property market in the past and inheritance. However both DH and I come from very ordinary families - me especially (grandparents factory / manual labour, Council house, Mum left school at 14 etc etc). Dh from Professional family but again his Grandparents were shop owners, generally very ordinary MC family.

As a result of our financial position the children have always been privately educated and we enjoy several nice holidays a year. We live in a big house in leafy Home Counties. All their friends are the same if not wealthier (staff, pools etc).

We have been painfully aware of this privileged "bubble" we live in and have constantly tried to drum into the DC's that they are fabulously privileged and the vast majority of people would give several limbs to enjoy the kind of things they deem normal. We do not give them all the material things they ask for (much to their disgust) and are constantly accused of being mean (eg not buying extra trainers before the old ones are worn out, limiting day trips in the holidays because of the expense etc.). They get limited pocket money.

However my 14 year old has become the most monstrous snob and comes out with comments on all sorts of things that make me wince, and make me fear for his realtionships with others out there in the wide world that he will have to deal with when he inevitably has to go outside the "bubble". It also makes him look and sound appalling - something he doesn't seem to get.

He comments on peoples dress, accent etc, can't seem to understand that the solution to a problem is not always to throw money at it, seeems without any empathy or understanding for those who have less than him, and will actively refuse to do things or go places that might be populated by "chavs" who, according to his warped view of the world will inevitably cause trouble and be unpleasant.

Because I always pull him up on these types of comments and ideas we are in almost constant conflict and on many occaisions I have pointed out that this family is not "all that" and it is only through luck that we are in this position. We have half seriously threatened to take him out of his Public School and send him to our local State school just to make him realise that he world is not populated by some kind of alien race as he seems to think.

One day he will come down to earth with a bump - it can't come soon enough. But in the meantime any suggestions for practical things we can do now to stop the rot?

Yes, stop his 'pocket money' and tell him to get a weekend job!

Chores..... What household chores does he do?

Stop his allowance and force him tho get a mcjob for the money?

Spend a week on a budget based on the minimum wage, and show them what this means on terms of food choices, transport etc ? would also be educational for all.

Have them earn holidays by volunteering at weekends

Any good?

He says he wants to do a job when he is old enough - he is certainly motivated by money - and we will definitely encourage that!

Humility is a good word! Telling him why he is wrong about so many many things is exhausting and ruining the relationship - but I feel I can't let these things go as it will make him think he is being reasonable

I think its a good idea about the school thing, actually.

Fanny all good ideas but he is only 14 - and has to go to School on a Saturday

I agree with Asmywhim - some voluntary work will, hopefully, open his eyes and make him a more well rounded individual.

Is it possible that some of his comments come from fear? We most definitely do not come from a privileged background but live "in the nicer part of town" so to speak. DS1 & 2 have come out with some similar comments in the past such as "if I go there, I'll be stabbed". It stemmed from hearing bad reports / reading local papers and was more to do with fear than any kind of snobbery.

I'm going to ignore the snobbery a bit as it's really about a teenager fitting out where they fit in, in life. Fitting in with peers, figuring out what their life is going to be like - and this happens whether you're fortunate monetarily or not.

I would stop arguing with him about it and just curb any actual behaviour so he doesn't show you up in public (and himself).

The reality is he is going to continue to be 'fortunate' isn't he? He is going to get to go to university etc? He is going to inherit from you isn't he? If so, he is always going to be more fortunate that 95% of the population. My best friend has a life like this (and lovely children who have all grown up to capitalise on the confidence and opportunities they have provided to them)

You have clearly done a really good job in providing for him - it is likely you have communicated to him your values and he is just teenagerly reacting against it - what you have done for him will have gone in.

Make him spend time with your extended family who are not so fortunate.

Make him get a job at McDonald's. It's akin to the army. Hard physical labour, rigid routines, being treated like shite by people with a tenth of your education, and (seriously) fantastic personal and professional training for any job he does in life.

Do you think he feels intimidated by the other children. I went to a private school and I always felt like other kids could tell, even if I wasn't in my uniform. I felt in the minority as my friends were spread all over the city whereas the other dc were all in the one area. All together. I saw them as more normal than I was. My mam was proper working class. She shared an outside toilet with four other families until she she was 9 so she wouldn't have understood.

I don't know what I would do. I imagine that if he joined a sports team or some other club with these kids and acted like a condescending arse, then he would get his head kicked in and his prophecy would be forfilled.

Any chance of a trip to a developing/poorer country? My DS went to a poor european country for a sports tournament with the school and came back with a completely different attitude.

Mintyy - we have really thought about this, but sending a boy to a school (any school) as a kind of punishment???? I'm so conflicted about that aspect, and then there is his sister (who couldn't be more different btw!) who would thereby be treated fundamentally differently, which again is just not right...

I didn't realise you wanted to punish him, I thought you wanted to encourage him to change his thinking and see the bigger picture.

Perhaps you could sign him up for one of those reality tv shows where teens swap their lives, or go over to India and see where Primark clothes really come from, that sort of thing.

Don't forget that as a teen it is practically his job to annoy the hell out of you. Part of it might just be him winding you up on purpose?

Pick a week and live like ordinary people as a project then. Take away most toys/gadgets, have them help menu planning on 40 quid, no unnecessary journeys to save fuel etc - worth a go?

Talk to the school he's at? If he's not getting these attitudes from you, they're coming from his friends and what he experiences at school. Try getting the school on your side and see what they think.

You can't force a teenager to get a job. Jobs aren't 10 a penny now, and a stuck up, arrogant rude teenager has a cat in hells chance of getting a 'weekend job' without some contacts from their parents.

I imagine sending him to a state school with all the plebs :o may only reinforce the idea that they are beneath him - e.g if he's intelligent and is doing well, putting him in a class of 30 that may be slightly behind him, will only make him feel superior and right in his knowledge that they are plebs, iykwim.

I'm sorry it's causing so much trouble in your relationship with him, OP. Is it possible he's picked it up from his friends? I know my DC have had voiced strong opinions on things they know nothing about from what they hear at school :) they may not really be his opinions at all, just repeating what he hears to fit in with the crowd.

I agree with Laurie. I think it's just teenage acting-up manifesting itself as snobbery. He will probably just grow out of it, especially when he gets to university and there will be people there who were state educated their whole lives and still got into the same uni as him.

Also, as Laurie says, this is 'real life' for him. He will probably always be privileged. There's no point threatening to take him out of school because you are clearly not going to do that.

Unfortunately, if he is rude to people's faces it may result in him getting a smack in the mouth if he continues that when he is older/in pubs and things.

Are he and his sister at the same school? You say she is very different. I wonder if this attitude is something that's common among his schoolmates.

Thanks so much for all the comments!

He will get the oppportunity to travel with his school and we are able to (and will) send him on all and every trip if he likes it or not with a hope it will open his eyes.

We do spend time with family and he is quite canny about what he says with others - so maybe we are doing SOMETHING right!

Maat - Fear is a good point - fear of the unlnown, which only exposure can hope to eradicate.

Laurie - you are right I suppose about the conflict, but the fact is that some of the things he comes out witha re so outrageous and ignorant they really grate and are so contrary to my values that I feel I have to put him right (which turns into lecturing..). In rare moments he will accept that what he says isn't right so again I occaisionally feel that maybe the message is getting in.

And yes he will likely be comfortable financially due to his education etc but we are determined not to give him more than minimal support when he leaves home so he can learn to support himself. At some point we will probably be able to buy property for the children but will choose the moment carefully

A 14 year old can't get a job at macdonalds.
Can you get him some volunteering. There are projects around thay may take 14 yr olds

My father always lectured us about this, I come from a very privileged background, but Dad always, always told me that you speak to people how you would like to be spoken to, we are no better than anyone who has less than we do. We also got an allowance and out of that we had to buy everything not school related, when the money was gone, the money was gone, so we couldn't buy any thing else until the next month.

Volunteer him for a community project, or have him join his local army/navy/air cadets? He'll have fun, learn to rely in other people who might not be as fortunate as him, gain qualifications and may get a career out of it.

Mintyy - he would see it as a punishment, especially if his sister doesn't have to move school

They are at different schools - DS at a "pukka" Public School, on the whole wealthy kids (especially the group he has fallen in with) whereas DD's school smaller cuddlier school with wide range of kids (and she is generally a more empathetic nature anyway)

Burlington - I feel a smack in the gob would be a good thing but as Snapes says he would see this as a self fulfilling prophecy!

I am reassured by your comments that this may be a manifestation of teenage buggeriness generally

Does the school not have a voluntary work programme? I'd be very surprised if they didn't - make him get involved. And I would talk to the school - friends of mine have had children at some of the very best schools and when pockets of this kind of bratty snobbishness has emerged it has been leapt on from a great height. If the school are t as appalled as you there's your explanation - its an accepted attitude there. But I would be v surprised if that was the case.

*aren't