Wealthy family - how to make Teen realise this is not "real life"

[homebythesea]

Will try not to drip feed - and this is not stealth boasting - just the facts...

We are a wealthy family by dint of good luck, mad property market in the past and inheritance. However both DH and I come from very ordinary families - me especially (grandparents factory / manual labour, Council house, Mum left school at 14 etc etc). Dh from Professional family but again his Grandparents were shop owners, generally very ordinary MC family.

As a result of our financial position the children have always been privately educated and we enjoy several nice holidays a year. We live in a big house in leafy Home Counties. All their friends are the same if not wealthier (staff, pools etc).

We have been painfully aware of this privileged "bubble" we live in and have constantly tried to drum into the DC's that they are fabulously privileged and the vast majority of people would give several limbs to enjoy the kind of things they deem normal. We do not give them all the material things they ask for (much to their disgust) and are constantly accused of being mean (eg not buying extra trainers before the old ones are worn out, limiting day trips in the holidays because of the expense etc.). They get limited pocket money.

However my 14 year old has become the most monstrous snob and comes out with comments on all sorts of things that make me wince, and make me fear for his realtionships with others out there in the wide world that he will have to deal with when he inevitably has to go outside the "bubble". It also makes him look and sound appalling - something he doesn't seem to get.

He comments on peoples dress, accent etc, can't seem to understand that the solution to a problem is not always to throw money at it, seeems without any empathy or understanding for those who have less than him, and will actively refuse to do things or go places that might be populated by "chavs" who, according to his warped view of the world will inevitably cause trouble and be unpleasant.

Because I always pull him up on these types of comments and ideas we are in almost constant conflict and on many occaisions I have pointed out that this family is not "all that" and it is only through luck that we are in this position. We have half seriously threatened to take him out of his Public School and send him to our local State school just to make him realise that he world is not populated by some kind of alien race as he seems to think.

One day he will come down to earth with a bump - it can't come soon enough. But in the meantime any suggestions for practical things we can do now to stop the rot?

irrespective of where he goes to school,his mum can set behavioral boundary
private doesn't mean he's snotty horah
and state doesn't mean worthy and grounded

What's horah?

My DS went to bog standard local comp and at 14 was coming out with similar comments - social stratification happens within schools as well as between them! Though we're not at wealthy as you, we are reasonably comfortable MC but DH in particular is from a very WC family who had very little money.
But - DS is now 18 and has had real drudge Saturday and holiday jobs since he was 16 - I helped him find the first but all the rest he's done independently. He had no allowance once he start working. And he's now fiercely egalitarian and would never dream of saying the bigoted things he used to.
So - they do grow up and get a broader world view, but they need to experience the world to do that. Volunteering can be fine, but isn't sufficient IMHO.

I think I'd tell him that he sounds obnoxious and a brat when he makes these comments but I do think that fourteen is quite a daft age - they feel and want to be grown up but - in most cases - haven't got the first idea of what goes on outside their own little world. In that sense, most kids do live in a bubble.

I think I'd just be at pains to make sure that he is not under the impression that you're always going to fund a fabulous lifestyle for him and would be making bold statements along the lines of precisely how and when, specifically, it will stop and that he will need to work, budget, save, prioritise and live within his own limited means. I know several adult DC who are failing to grasp the concept of living a "real" life on a "normal" budget for a young person.

My daughter rows with some boys from Eton (local club is at Eton wick !), and it's been a great social experience for both sides. DD at local comp when started & boys used to be quite rude (their teacher told them off for it but their attitude was exactly like your sons). Over the years she not only got better exam results than them but she rowed faster too. All of them now at Oxford and the boys always invite her to the 'posh' parties - she has learnt to laugh at the snobby comments and the boys learnt a lesson in humility. Oh and that she has lots of pretty friends ! When I dropped her at one of the boys houses for a party it took 15 minutes from the gate to get to the house (27 bedrooms anyone !!). Our family would once have been their servants and now the kids are great mates (might be a bit more now but won't know until they reappear from group holiday in Majorca). Oh & his parents are lovely and ever so slightly bonkers - never seen the dad in anything but slippers or wellies. So getting you son to have a more diverse social life will help a lot.

Some of the most dreadful snobs I know are at the state school I work in, not the independent school DS attends. Some of the comments the wealthy kids at my school make about the ones on FSM's or who bring in a 10p bag of crisps for lunch make my blood boil.

However OP, spending time volunteering for a charity, (foodbank project, the homeless) or with your extended family might help. Does your DS do any out of school clubs or sports? This is something we have always done and as a result my DS has friends from backgrounds across the financial spectrum and knows how bloody lucky he is.

Noddy, ridiculous to you maybe, but not offensive, why black hat something? This family can afford to go abroad, the consensus appears to be avoiding rewarding the Op's Ds or punishing him, or giving his sister a bad time? Learning about other standards of living, abroad or here, is surely good. My Ds, not so wealthy as the Op's but still comfortable, was made to appreciate the general standards of living and social secir

The thing about staying with a family in Malaysia/volunteering in a developing nation is that whilst it might address his massivesenseofentitlement, it would do nothing about the greater problem which is his vile prejudice against "chavs" ie less advantaged Brits, and tbh might make it worse (cue comments about plasma screens, cigarettes and work ethic).

Noddy, ridiculous to you maybe, but why black hat something? The Op has asked for ideas.

This family can afford to go abroad, the consensus appears to be avoiding rewarding the Op's Ds or punishing him, or giving his sister a bad time. Learning about other standards of living, abroad or here, is surely good.

My Ds, not so wealthy as the Op's but still comfortable, was made to appreciate the general standards of living and social security that we have here after visiting my sister in the far east. He could see the difference, and as well as frankly liking the material goods that the wealthy can get there, understood far better the issues around health and education and housing. That has come out of holidays that were not entirely limited to resorts, although we did some of those. A spoonful of sugar etc. And having thought about that and seen how hard many people work there, he is much more discriminating about what his peers say than he was before. Not perfect, still mysogenistic to wind me up, but better.

I agree the comments are grim.

But if you can get him to question his peers that's a start.

Then the rolling of eyes at his or j Clarkson's statements and preferably an admired role model, cousin or whatever, telling him what a twat he sounds when he sounds off, will start to contain it.

Teenagers are deeply tribal creatures. Everything they do is about building an identity and fitting in with the microgroup. So it will be tough trying to change your DS's perceptions while his peers stay the same. Perhaps you could encourage him to think for himself, make him realise these are views he's absorbed rather than ones necessarily from within him.

My DS is at an indie school where the ethos discourages arrogance. The ethos of a school can have an enormous impact. As some others have suggested, it makes sense to find a teacher at the school who might have a chance of influencing these boys for the better.

You said he isn't sporty, but what about other out of school activities? He could join a drama group or choir or something like that maybe? Anything that will get him mixing with others who aren't from the same background as him, and who don't necessarily have the opportunities and lifestyle that he is lucky enough to experience. I don't really know what teenagers who aren't into sport or drama/dance do outside of school, because all of my spare time was spent performing, but I'm sure there must be other things....